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How to cope: have to see Ex every day


Phonebooth

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Phonebooth

Hi All.

 

Please can you help me.

How do you cope when you have to see your ex every day.

We work together within the same team so I have to see him every day. Note to self never date at work or class!!!

But please help he has been really vindictive he was the dumper but he has been acting like I have hurt him greatly. My first strategy was to come in as if water off a ducks back. Not be visibly sad at work/class etc. that seemed to really annoy him so he has started to boast loudly to our team about his recent conquests which is pure torture.

I asked him to stop and he admited it was immature and hurtful and he wasn't sure why he was doing it but he doesn't want me to hate him etc but since I turned down his request to "hang out" as friends (too painful for me I still love him) he has gone back to boasting.

 

It is very hard to cope I have actually started working from home to get some relief but I cannot keep this up.

So please tell me how strategies of how I can cope I want to move on not feel this hurt its been 2 months post BU

The mean way he has treated me has made me think twice about any potential reconciliation even if my heart doesn't agree my head knows he is bad news. He never acted like this in the relationship. Was a great BF I thought we would marry.

 

Also for summary there was no foul play or cheating we argued like any other couple but he ended out long 4 yr relationship due to "doubts" need to be single unsure. After two weeks BU we met up and he said it hadn't been long enough to know if the break up was the right decision. But told me he had been on dates Torture he has since told me he misses me etc all crumbs I know which I try to ignore

 

I want to go NC for my own sanity but he keeps acting out at me for attention

 

I know he doesn't want to reconcile as he would make that clear and he is just playing me as a back up option when he gets over this life crisis

 

Help please this is getting me very very depressed :( :( :(

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Maybe find one or two female or male friends within the team who will be more sympathetic and supportive of you? Lean on them when he is immature. Talk to them and look to them for strength when you feel weak. Like literally look at their faces when you need support.

 

I think you are doing great to let it slip off like water on a duck's back. Just be pleasant but assertive, don't make it too obvious you are avoiding him.

 

Hopefully the team will end soon? Good luck and try your best with the NC!

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Phonebooth
Maybe find one or two female or male friends within the team who will be more sympathetic and supportive of you? Lean on them when he is immature. Talk to them and look to them for strength when you feel weak. Like literally look at their faces when you need support.

 

I think you are doing great to let it slip off like water on a duck's back. Just be pleasant but assertive, don't make it too obvious you are avoiding him.

 

Hopefully the team will end soon? Good luck and try your best with the NC!

 

Thank you. I have a friend at work who knows the situation. Whilst a lot of people in my team are probably aware the situation they probably found out through the grape vine. So it is extremely awkward for everyone :(.

 

I think I just have to use a show of strength and try and ignore every thing he does / says.

Sigh I am so sad it has come to this but I know NC is for the best. :(

How long till it stops hurting?

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Lesson learned about dating on your doorstep so to speak. Sadly there's no quick fix following a break up, and yours will be harder due to the work thing. At least with him now showing his true immature colours you'll slowly start to realise he isn't the "man" you thought he was, and maybe that will give you some release. His attitude alone should tell you that it's best you two didn't stay together as he's clearly not adult enough for a serious relationship (tosses you aside then throws his toys out of the pram when you don't want to be his friend... please!). Just take each day as it comes and know that it's okay to feel low during these times, but it does always get better.

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Phonebooth

Thank you everyone.

There is a work drinks this week with a few mutuals. They will all know the situation through the grape vine should I avoid like the plague he will definitely be there...

I would like to go so to expand my social circle at work - I used to be quite lazy with that. However I am not keen for drama?

What should I do brave it or give this one a miss?

 

Thank you

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You know it'll be tough, but will you regret it more if you don't go? Sometimes we have to struggle through the tough times to finally get to the good ones, so maybe you should slap a brave face on and show that you're better than him and not going to put your life on hold for one single individual. Yeah, I totally understand that work relationship fall out pain, been there many times (one day I'll learn), and there is no easy fix. Personally if it were beneficial in a work way to attend, then I'd go. However if it isn't that important and you have other things to do (not just staying in alone eating ice cream) then do them instead. Just aslong as you're doing something - it's the quiet alone moments where our minds wander...

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TaraMaiden2
Thank you everyone.

There is a work drinks this week with a few mutuals. They will all know the situation through the grape vine should I avoid like the plague he will definitely be there...

I would like to go so to expand my social circle at work - I used to be quite lazy with that. However I am not keen for drama?

What should I do brave it or give this one a miss?

 

Thank you

 

Please read the NC Guide in my signature; near the bottom, is a paragraph on how to deal with a situation where contact with your ex is inevitable.

 

Hope it helps.

 

(PS: it will definitely help, without question, if you stick to it like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.... ;) )

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Phonebooth

Hi guys update.

He told me that he is unsure what he wants but still loves me and doesn't want me to get over him, and that he can't imagine me not in his life in some capacity.

I am trying hard to get rid of hope as I know these are nothing but violin strings to keep me as a back up option should he discover the grass isn't actually greener!

How do you get rid of the hope factor so you can truly move on?

Also he keeps breaking my NC I have not initatiated any contact since the break up but he keeps trying to talk to me.

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Trinity_84

How do you get rid of the hope factor so you can truly move on?

 

Keep telling this to yourself: "these are nothing but violin strings to keep me as a back up option should he discover the grass isn't actually greener!"

 

Honestly. Your instinct is correct.

 

I also said to my ex I wanted them in my life. 3 months down the road I couldn't care less if they are ever in it again. Trust me. Words mean nothing. He might mean it, but that will not stop him from moving on if he meets someone else.

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Phonebooth
Keep telling this to yourself: "these are nothing but violin strings to keep me as a back up option should he discover the grass isn't actually greener!"

 

Honestly. Your instinct is correct.

 

I also said to my ex I wanted them in my life. 3 months down the road I couldn't care less if they are ever in it again. Trust me. Words mean nothing. He might mean it, but that will not stop him from moving on if he meets someone else.

 

Thank you I know it's true! When does your heart catch up with your rational mind. Sadly I even have his close friends coming up to me saying you will get back together because he still loves you. It's soooo unhelpful I never solicit these comments or bring him into conversation as hard as it is to forget his existence given I see him everyday! I really want to and am trying.

 

My mind is like no one who truly loves you would treat you this badly.

But my heart is still pining for some chump that considers me as an option.

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Totally with you - still got feelings for someone who sees me as an option too. It's annoying as I know the facts and the truth, yet it's still a struggle.

 

All that talk about "he still loves you" is rubbish, just words that he (and mutual friends) are throwing around. You know full well how you feel when in love with someone, how you act, how you are around them. Is he anything like that. Words are whispered. Actions are shouted. His actions, or lack of, says it all. Your response to friends saying he loves you should be "really, so why are we not together anymore?".

 

As you say, he's keeping you as an option. Making sure that door is open by doing the odd bit of contact, but never really making any effort to walk through the door. You could block his numbers, but I'm betting that will open avenues of mutual friends/colleagues and you don't need that.

 

Just see his messages for what they are and laugh them off. For me, when I get something from her, I just feel sad. Not sad in the upset way for myself, but sad for her. This person that I thought the world of, that I thought was more mature, understood relationships, was caring and considerate (having been hurt herself in the past)... basically I had deep respect for her, but these little breadcrumbs, pathetic moments of reaching out just to see if I'll bite and feed her ego a bit, they've all destroyed what I thought of her and have lost that respect I had for her. So yeah, that's sad as I truly thought she was special but now, she's just another one of those types of people... the type I don't want or need in my life.

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I'm in the same predicament; I dated a coworker after first becoming friends but we never talked about it openly to anyone. At first I thought it was fun to have our secret but it turns out it was because it allowed her to still flirt with other men. Of course It didn't last very long but I cared for her and still do even now (almost 3 months later). The breakup has affected me so much that my health significantly declined and I've been unable to do my job. She on the otherhand has been doing fine. of course partly because her new guy works there too. It kills me to think about how I was lied to the whole time but more so that I see them almost daily. I know I should be thankful for eliminating a toxic person from my life but it still hurts because I'm emotionally invested... even though I shouldn't be. I'll probably lose my job shortly and all for nothing. at least that's how it feels at the moment. Anyhow, I understand what you're going through and it sounds like you're trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I admire your strength and courage. Remember to take care of you first! Be selfish for as long as you need.

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He is 25,

I honestly thought we would get engaged this year but I understand we are quite young. I don't know if this is just a freak out on his part.

Deep down I still love him but I don't think I can ever trust him again.

He has since escalated his "contact" trying to re add me on face book messaging saying he thought I looked nice. Trying to gesture for me to come over to him.

And also sitting near me deliberately at lunch. I don't understand this behaviour.

Can someone please reassure me? If he really wanted me back he would come out and say it non of these smoke signals or have me read tea leaves to decipher what he wants. People come out and say they have made a mistake which they regret and they want to correct that?

Ahh this is so confusing the only thing that keeps me strong is that unless I get the above I will never trust him not to do this stunt again when times get tough.

Do you guys agree?

 

Also for other people going through this what has helped me is keeping a diary writing down your thoughts understanding that relationships take two to work it out and not assuming you will automatically want them back when the cloud of grief has lifted. Accepting the relationship is dead and that is a good thing as it ended for a reason - that doesn't mean another shot wouldn't be better plenty of couples break up and get back together successfully but you should view that if your next relationship is not with your ex it will be with someone better. So win win. Also understanding that only once you have gotten over this relationship can you truly have a second chance with your ex (should you even want that) basically to help you get over the hump whilst you are still pining you need to think that you have to start again for a relationship to work if you head hates your ex and your heart loves them that is no foundation for a new relationship.

 

 

All this is under the assumption that you want them back which is likely in the early days. The best case scenario is you will go so far down the road to indifference you will never want to look back.

Also use this time to focus on your own self development be introspective but try and take the positives from the situation as you will learn so much about yourself which will benefit you in future relationships. Also finally when you feel ready go on casual dates with other people this will break you fake thoughts that you are not good enough and will be alone for ever. This is wrong and a fallacy but when you break up you feel your ex is your be all and end all. That is not true they are one of many and dating other people casually will teach you that. Obviously don't date seriously until you are in the right headspace as you don't want to hurt anyone so be honest when asked. Also get rid of any notion of "The One" that doesn't exist but it's more "The Ones". Also don't beat yourself up loving your ex despite how badly they have treated you, you can't control your heart and loving someone doesn't mean you should be with them.

 

I hope this helps you as all this mindset has helped me.

Also meditate download the app headspace and practice mindfulness as this will help you think clearly about your situation. And finally at work fake it !! Don't let this affect your job fake it until you no longer have to, concentrate in bite sizes 20 minutes then you can think about your situation then 20 mins back to work etc.

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