I feel like the world hates me

[DatingDirection]

I just came back from the gym. I've been working out for 7 months now. It's my way of keeping my depression and anxiety under control without medication. I have bipolar disorder- so "they" say. I came back from the gym, and had this over whelming sense of guilt, and fear. I miss my mother. I just had a small panic attack. I havne't had one in a while. Anyways, i just feel like one day is leading to the next, months go by, and im just breathing...trying to reach optimal health physically, and to combat my emotional health as well. But i feel as though we're all slowly dying. I don't want to think this way, but i can't help it. I just think we're all here, slowly getting older and our lives getting shorter, we are dying. Mean while, i feel judged, and criticized, mainly, im paranoid, or it may be true i don't know...that people at the gym may think im stuck up and with low self-esteem. A trainer there, never says hello, and stars me down sometimes, or gives me dirty looks - again it could be my imagination - but it could not be. I feel a bit like people can read my thoughts, and im scared of being humiliated. I don't even know if im making sense right now. How can i get my thoughts under control and get to work today? I just feel like the world hates me.

[Unsur]

It's so great that you are working out! You should feel so proud of yourself that you are going out there and trying to better yourself, even when you don't really feel like it. That's a big achievement, even if it doesn't feel like it!

 

I have social anxiety, so I know how you feel when you say that you feel like people are looking at you, judging you and can hear your thoughts.

 

If you ever feel like they are reading your thoughts, can you look at them and ask them in your mind to do something? I know you probably know that they can't read your thoughts but sometimes it can feel like they can. Sometimes when I get those feelings, I start insulting them heavily (or complimenting them) and when I realise that they aren't reacting to it it proves to me that they can't actually be listening. Maybe give it a try?

 

For when you feel they are looking at you/judging you remind yourself that you can't read their thoughts. They are just as likely to be thinking something nice about you as they are something horrible. In fact I think it is more likely they are thinking something nice! You are in a gym, so they might be thinking "Wow, look at them, working so hard" or they might be looking at you because they like your workout and want to copy it, they might be trying to learn from you. As for the personal trainer, it would be very unprofessional for them to be giving you nasty looks or thinking anything bad about you and I'm sure that they won't be. Again, they might be looking at you thinking that they want to help but they aren't sure how to approach you. People tend to be a lot more focused on themselves than on other people.

 

Have you grounded yourself after your panic attack today? Try to really focus on the environment around you. How does the ground feel? Is it hot or cold? Is there something blue in the room? What about yellow? When you are typing, really feel your fingers hitting the keyboard, take it slow.

 

Have you looked after yourself? Have a drink of water, take it slow and if you can face it, have something to eat.

 

The world isn't against you, you can do this.

[Mrlonelyone]

I know the feeling. I've had my days, months, and years where it felt like the sun itself shone for everyone but me. I'd see starving people, or people in warzones .... who had families ... and envy them. As awful as that sounds, as insane as that is, that was the feeling.

 

You will be able to get yourself out of the hole you are in eventually. Life can change for the better in an instant. Keep on working out, take care of yourself. Consider seeing a therapist if you aren't.

[DatingDirection]

Thank you so much for your reply. You understand me completely, thank you. The panick attack is over. Now i just feel drained a bit. I'm trying to ground myself, feeling my feet on the ground, listening to louis hay...mean while, im beating myself up, saying stop crying, stop being such a cry baby. Then telling myself just to get it all out.

 

I do try to counter argue what the trainers must think about me, or anyone else at the gym. And I also say to myself, why do i feel that important to them, that they must be thinking something about me, im not that important - just another gym goer.

 

But let's also be real and know that some trainers are cocky and judgemental. The don't take into account the entire picture. Maybe some people are over weght because they've had to go to the food bank, and eat whatever crap they give that person. Maybe that person was on medication and it caused them to gain weight, or maybe they couldn't get out of bed for months on end.

 

Anyways, that's a bit besides the point. I am proud of myself for contiuning with my health and fitness goals. I've lost alot of weight - and gained some muscle as well.

 

I've been going introspective as well on this path - and it's very lonely when i don't get much feedback coming back at me, i wonder why i don't have many friends, or that the new people i've tried to reach out to, have not called me and reached out to me or why they seldom reach out to me - just last night, a girl who've i've been trying to hang out with for months, reached out to me out of the blue, b/c she had no one to go to a party with, and thought to reach out to me, again only for convince. So, while it's me myself and I trying to love myself, what good is loving myself when no one else seems to love me? It just makes me feel like there must be a problem with me then. I hope im making sense.

[DatingDirection]

I'd love to go see a psychologist. But most good one's cost 100-200 per hour. I think it's sickening, that these people would like to help only the elite. And please don't say that it's because they're not covered by the govenment insurance. Because honestly, if they charged even $50/per hour, they would have alot more clients, and wouldn't need to over charge to compensate for the times they don't have clients. Do you understand this?

 

If those therapist really want to help - why charge an unreasonable amount of money just for 1 hour?

 

I do see a psychiatrist - but she is patronizing. I mean she said she wanted to explore my history with my family - feelings of abandonment and rejection, but her questions were quick, and short - to just copy some information down, and check it off her list. Not to be supportive in any way about those issues.

 

Then she prescribes medication as a bandaid for the deep wound.

[DatingDirection]

I'd see starving people, or people in warzones .... who had families ... and envy them. As awful as that sounds, as insane as that is, that was the feeling.

 

That doesn't sound insane at all. I also notice that too about people's lives. i feel the same way. I know someone from another country, and she can't understand the concept of depression. She said, people in her country have nothing and yet they're not depressed. Maybe it's because they still have family, or consistant sun. It's not a competition though, I still feel bad for those that go without basic needs, and who live in warzones.

[whichwayisup]

Find another therapist, one who specializes in CBT. The one you have now isn't the one for you.