Cirilla Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Hi all, I've posted a few topics on here before. Here's something new for ya: Ex dumped me over 5 months ago in a very dramatic and insulting way. NC for over 4 months. He sent me a brief small-talky email a couple weeks ago that I ignored. He sent me another email today speculating on why I didn't respond to him, offering me an "opportunity" to see if we could get back together, saying that if I don't respond he'll start pursuing other people, and that if I care what he's been doing then he was right to break up me and right about me being overly controlling, etc. If he wants me back, why insult me and threaten me with other people?
Oregon_Dude Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 If he wants me back, why insult me and threaten me with other people?Because he's a controlling, manipulative, mean, selfish douchebag who you will now never, ever speak to again. 2
Author Cirilla Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Well the thing is, I admit to being controlling in the last part of our relationship after he lied to me. I was no saint myself. He was, until the day he started plotting (and I do mean plotting) dumping me, as patient and giving as he could be while putting up with a lot of crap from me.
La.Primavera Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 He sent you the email threatening to date other people because he is feeling angry and frustrated because you have all the power in the situation, because you have ignored his previous emails (breadcrumbs). Whereas before he was the dumper with all the control. I understand there are two sides to every story. Perhaps you were controlling during your relationship but that doesn't change the fact that the message he sent you was very rude and hostile. It is also presumptuous to think you still care or are even single for that matter. It has been five months, anything could have happened. His behavior is very telling and I would be very hesitant about reconciling with someone with that kind of attitude. I think you deserve better. 2
Author Cirilla Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Oh, trust me. I'm not interested in reconciling--even though memories of our good times are painful in light of how things ended. I'm just having a real "WTF" time and trying to figure this all out. Friends say he's masking his desperation.
pidgeon1010 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I don't know the guy and his message annoyed me! How cocky to think you should be pining for him and care. He may be masking his desperation but I don't doubt that email reflects who he is at the core. Delete. He sounds like a winner...not. Good riddance!
15Love Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Do NOT give him the time of day or a second thought. He wants his ego stroked. This is the evidence you're still something to him. Let YOUR ego be stroked and walk on. He's nothing now.
MrBojangles Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 He sent me another email today speculating on why I didn't respond to him, offering me an "opportunity" to see if we could get back together, saying that if I don't respond he'll start pursuing other people, and that if I care what he's been doing then he was right to break up me and right about me being overly controlling, etc. Translation: He has had crap for luck meeting other people since he broke it off with you. Block, ignore and then move on with your life. Not worth a second of your time trying to figure him out. 2
kenmore Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 tell him to F*CK OFF. Immediately. I like this response. It will close that door that you need closed. Ignoring him is a bit passive-aggressive. Since you are adamant that you are done, make it clear to him which will release both of you. Be advised though, it will open up some old wounds...but I think he already did that. It may make you feel guilty but since you are done, don't feel that way. It's life and it happens. Nothing to feel guilty about especially since he broke up with you first. You're just finishing the job he started! Ken 1
Tobin Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Oh, trust me. I'm not interested in reconciling--even though memories of our good times are painful in light of how things ended. I'm just having a real "WTF" time and trying to figure this all out. Friends say he's masking his desperation. You care about what he says and does and try to figure out why he does what he does- way too much. If you're not intending to reconcile, then why do you care? Be honest with yourself.
Author Cirilla Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Morbid curiosity, honestly. And there is a small part of me who feels twinges of sadness that we ended the way we did after starting off so well.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 You have two options: Either completely block, ignore and not respond, reply or react to it at all. Not worth the time of day... Or: Follow Maharishi's advice: Tell him simply, in 2 words (as given) what your decision is. (I'm kind of taken with it: Dame Helen Mirren recently said that if she could give her younger self some advice, it would be to use that term more often...! ) However, that risks inviting dialogue, or entering into a verbal sparring match, which will do neither of you any good and keep you stuck in animosity and resentment. Much as I do LIKE option 'b', I think in the long-run, the former one is more advisable.....
Author Cirilla Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 Would the second email be considered "breadcrumbs"? Would he try harder if I ignored him or follow through with his " if you don't answer me, you prove me right" kind of thing and stop emailing me? Or would it make him more desperate?
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Would the second email be considered "breadcrumbs"? Would he try harder if I ignored him or follow through with his " if you don't answer me, you prove me right" kind of thing and stop emailing me? Or would it make him more desperate? Who cares - ?! My advice? Stop caring! There's no point, you can't get into his head and witness what effect it would have, and frankly, if you never intend to be with him again, the above question isn't relevant. Quit even thinking about it. He';s already successfully messin' with your mind - which I think is half his point. Turn the tables. Mess with his. Ignore, delete, block and forget about him. If he wants to create dramas, let him do it in his own time, and without involving you. He can try, but if you effectively delete all traces of him, he will fail, and not know it....
kenmore Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 As much as I love Taramaiden and think her advice is usually great (and it may be this time), I must say if you ignore him, he will be back. He will always have the "itch." If you want to be rid of him, give him option B and tell him to f-off in no uncertain terms! THEN never talk to him again. I completely agree with Tara's assessment that he's trying to manipulate you. That makes him all the more dangerous. You can ignore for awhile but if he keeps pushing, it will be more and more difficult to ignore him. If you end it firmly and then ignore him, he should hopefully get the message. Just my opinion. Good luck! Ken
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 No. If she feeds him a line - any line - he will know he's got under her skin. If she responds in any way at all, then he will know he can get her attention any time he wants, with persistence, insults, carrots dangling or empty, hollow meaningless breadcrumbs. answering with anything at all, will signal a go-ahead for him to just keep being persistent, because he will know that persistence will eventually crack her shell. If she maintains total silence, he will have no clue as to what is going on, and his manipulation will be ineffective. Best to leave him in the dark, dangling, wondering, not knowing whether he has hit the mark or not. As far as he should be concerned, his efforts would seem totally wasted. 1
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 I agree with TerrorMai... uhh.. TaraMaiden. Sometimes the best action is inaction. 1
Author Cirilla Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 Yes, I'm stuck between ignoring altogether and sending something brief and polite to say I'm not interested but I wish him well. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow and we'll talk it over as well.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Ask yourself honestly why you want to do either, and see what justification you find for responding. Honestly? I think your therapist may advise you to entertain dialogue - but your therapist may not be a relationships expert. So while psychologically they may advise that talking to your ex- would clear the air, put something to bed, give you closure - I hate to sound prissy and know-it-all - but experience here, specifically in discussion regarding such issues, relates that it won't work, or figure out the way you'd hope or think.... Honestly, I really totally believe that to contact him or reply, will merely truly make things worse for you.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 If you do open up dialogue, even if you tell him to "F off, I don't want to hear from you again", just the fact that you responded lets him know that you WILL respond given the right circumstances.
kenmore Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 IMO, the answer lies in your heart Cirilla. How tough are you? My ex is so tough, her hide could no doubt be used to re-line my couch but most ladies are not that way. If you could say your piece, make it say what you want then ignore after that, that's my advice. If you can't and would play to his manipulation, then keep ignoring. Be honest with yourself and truthfully answer how you would react if he did X. Tara makes a good point. It's not for everyone to just tell some guy off then leave it for the snails. You are relatively recent into this so that's why I suggest ending it. You don't need years of BS from him, and wish to move on from what I recall. When I say "ending it" I mean put a friggin' nail in it! You know what I mean. Let me tell you something about a breakup: My wife put a huge nail in it! She left nothing uncertain. That's her way. Still, it took me almost a year to really "get it." If she had strung me along or just ignored me, I'd still be strung along. It would be my own stupid feelings but I have to say as the dumpee, it's nice to know where I stand and adjust. I know he's the dumper but since he's in touch with you, he's the future dumpee. Also, don't underestimate the feeling you will have in your heart when you have upper hand! That's gold! Make your decision but don't be bullied into it by anyone, including me. do what your heart says. I wish you peace and strength! Ken 1
Author Cirilla Posted September 22, 2015 Author Posted September 22, 2015 Sent an email saying we were done. There were times after the breakup when this was what I wanted to be able to do. So now that I've done it, why do I feel so sorrowful and empty?
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Sent an email saying we were done. There were times after the breakup when this was what I wanted to be able to do. So now that I've done it, why do I feel so sorrowful and empty? Because you're yearning for the guy you wish he could be. And he does not come up to expectations. If you're 'sorrowful and empty', he's at the bottom of it. It's not you - it's him. He WILL reply, you know that, don't you...? (And so it will go on.... )
Author Cirilla Posted September 22, 2015 Author Posted September 22, 2015 Time will tell but there will be blocking. I don't think he's dumb enough to waste any more of his time.
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