Shifting your mindset

[Oregon_Dude]

Happy Friday.

 

I'm guessing many of you are feeling hurt, abandoned, betrayed, deceived. And maybe you were, to some degree. Maybe your ex left you for someone else; maybe they were lying to you. Maybe you have proof of this; maybe you were left abruptly, as I was, and merely have suspicions.

 

If you feel like this, there's a good chance you kind of hate your ex. For putting you through so much agony, for not living up to your expectations, for going back on promises such as they will be with you forever. These feelings are natural, I'm sure, but ultimately destructive only to you. They serve no purpose, save for getting you through the 'anger stage'.

 

I propose that we shift our thinking entirely. Be happy for your ex. Wish them well, truly. Not just in that phony, self-protective, insincere "I wish you well" crap that you tell them early on in an effort to show them how 'big' you are and manipulate them back. Fact is, your ex is merely pursuing the life that they feel is best for them. Yes, this vision did not include you in it. Hurts for you, but best for them. Your ex is only doing their best, striving for their own happiness. Is this something you can truly begrudge them? Don't we all want happiness? We have differing ideas of what happiness is sometimes, and while your vision included them, theirs didn't include you... and that's OK.

 

I made a thread earlier about being able to handle the 'worst case scenario' of what my ex could be doing. Basically this was her finding true love and being happy. Though I don't really believe she's capable of finding 'true love' by my definition right now, as I feel she doesn't understand what that is and possibly never will... the question remains, why is it that my WCS is her being happy? That's absurd. We should all want happiness for our fellow humans, and that includes exes.

 

When you let go of the anger and self-pity, the hoping that they're miserable out there, etc. (which, BTW, they're probably not - they're probably a little happier without you - go ahead and swallow that truth slowly), you are no longer in a mental war with the ex. When you truly wish them the happiness they seek, there's nothing eating you up inside. I'm sure this thread has been made before, but I am hoping we can all have a great weekend, giving up negative thoughts towards our exes, and finding peace within ourselves by wishing them nothing but joy and love in their lives, despite the fact that we will not be the ones to provide them these emotions.

 

Take care guys and gals. Be at peace today.

 

OD

[Yummm]

Such wise words yet so hard.. During conversation with my ex yesterday I genuinely felt at ease and was glad that she was happy, I'm so proud of myself!

 

Yeah, dwelled on it a little bit after and it brought back some emotion, but no resentment, which is a massive step.

 

Thanks for the positivity bro! hugs

[Chronograph]

Be happy for your ex. ... BTW they're probably a little happier without you ...

 

Wise words, man, wise words! But - God damn it - this is freaking hard!! Can you actually be that self-less?? Without hurting? Can you? Tell me how!

[Oregon_Dude]

Can you actually be that self-less?? Without hurting? Can you? Tell me how!

I don't consider this to be particularly selfless. And I do hurt still, sometimes. But I have plenty of talents and gifts that can be shared with others, not just my ex. She chose to forgo those things - that was her decision. Being happy for someone is a choice. When you start to think negative things about your ex, your body will tense up in a minor panic. You can counteract this process by noticing when you are thinking negatively about him/her, and immediately think, "I wish him/her happiness, peace and love." Eventually you will actually believe this. It's essentially mindfulness directed towards your healing.

[TunaCat]

It's nearly been 6 months since I was blindsided by the breakup. And at first I did say "I just want him to be happy" and I think I was just trying to be the bigger person at that point even though my heart was breaking.

 

Now, I can say it confidently and honestly. I just want him to be happy. No matter what. We were amazing friends for nearly two decades and, I only want the best for him. He never mistreated me, he never cheated on me, he never hurt me in any way while we were together.

 

He just no longer saw forever with me, and that's okay.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Oregon Dude, I like your post and the revelation you came to,

However, I'd like to bring up a point on a different point of view,

I can wish my ex happiness, and I still do to this day,

However, I can't agree to the following that you had to say:

 

When you let go of the anger and self-pity, the hoping that they're miserable out there, etc. (which, BTW, they're probably not - they're probably a little happier without you - go ahead and swallow that truth slowly), you are no longer in a mental war with the ex. When you truly wish them the happiness they seek, there's nothing eating you up inside. I'm sure this thread has been made before, but I am hoping we can all have a great weekend, giving up negative thoughts towards our exes, and finding peace within ourselves by wishing them nothing but joy and love in their lives, despite the fact that we will not be the ones to provide them these emotions.

 

I hold no animosity toward her life or her journey through life,

I hold it toward the way she treated me, how she gutted me with a knife,

I hold it toward the games she knowingly played, and the lack of conviction that followed,

For those actions prove to me that her heart is simply all hollowed.

 

I do not wish her to be miserable, or that she experiences the same,

I do not believe in Karma, I believe life isn't a balance between actions and blame,

My attitude toward her was a direct response to the bull**** that went on,

My choice to ignore her existence without wishing her well is one I must don.

 

Your situation may be different, maybe she didn't play with your heart,

Maybe she was honest and forthcoming, and gave you a head start,

By letting you go because she simply didn't feel the same way,

Instead of insisting she did while also gradually moving away.

 

I do not need to justify my animosity toward her actions that included me,

Nor do I need to pretend I'm happy for her, when really, I'm pissed as could be,

But I do not wish her to be miserable; I actually wish the opposite to be true,

However, I won't even acknowledge her existence because it's definitely through!

 

The peace that I get is that I am out of her tumultuous mind,

That I'm no longer the target of her fake affection anymore; I'm no longer blind,

I have been granted the vision, no longer rose-tinted from the feelings accompanying it,

The view that's been revealed shows that any feelings towards her will result in eventual regret.

 

Once bitten, twice shy, three times the fool,

Any more than that, you are just labeled a tool,

As I wish happiness to her, at the same time, I will wish her farewell,

As my feelings will never fade, but my heart is closed to repeat clientele.

[Oregon_Dude]

Your situation may be different, maybe she didn't play with your heart,

Maybe she was honest and forthcoming, and gave you a head start,

By letting you go because she simply didn't feel the same way,

Instead of insisting she did while also gradually moving away.

 

...

 

Once bitten, twice shy, three times the fool,

Any more than that, you are just labeled a tool,

As I wish happiness to her, at the same time, I will wish her farewell,

As my feelings will never fade, but my heart is closed to repeat clientele.

Sadly, dear doctor, this wasn't the case;

my ex was deceitful, her reasoning vague

It only makes sense that she had somebody else

Even so, ruminating is bad for my health.

 

Though I was misled, I still choose to forgive,

as the alternative only hurts me

She's free to determine her own way to live,

as misguided as it may be.

 

As for you, I implore you to re-open your heart,

not to let several women speak for the rest

The woman that left you, and the girl who hurt me;

in both cases, 'twere for the best.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Sadly, dear doctor, this wasn't the case;

my ex was deceitful, her reasoning vague

It only makes sense that she had somebody else

Even so, ruminating is bad for my health.

 

Though I was misled, I still choose to forgive,

as the alternative only hurts me

She's free to determine her own way to live,

as misguided as it may be.

 

As for you, I implore you to re-open your heart,

not to let several women speak for the rest

The woman that left you, and the girl who hurt me;

in both cases, 'twere for the best.

 

You, sir, are a much better man than I can say I am,

For you walk in the shadow of God, the Shephard of us lambs,

Forgiveness is the acknowledgement with the choice to move forward,

Not the acceptance of such acts in conjunction with your worth being lowered!

 

My heart is open, however, the requirements are stringent,

Forgiveness is there for her, but the animosity is contingent,

For I can forgive her, and move on, and be happy with the choice,

parallel to wishing her happiness, I won't ever forgive the actions that I earlier voiced.

[bluefeather]

Despite the pain, I really did pray to God that she would be alright. I have no idea how she is. but I must stand by my belief that everyone must walk their own path. Thank you for reminding me of that.

 

I heard once, a saying, that no one does what is wrong, given his or her perspective of the world.

 

Well there you have it. Peace out and that is that. May they find what they are looking for...

 

May we all.