I hate having to cope. [Vent/minor progress]

[Ashurii]

It's only been 1 1/2 days so it's not like I have much progress to speak of at all. Just some. I just feel extremely pent up, and I don't know how to let it out, no matter how much I cry.

 

The Break happened Tuesday night. Doesn't make sense to me, nor do I think it makes sense to him from what he said. I cry a lot. No appetite. What I do eat I throw back up--currently trying not to hurl up the contents of my two mini chicken fajitas. Depression and suicidal thoughts, both of which aren't new but with the Break it made them really, really bad.

 

I 100% I was going to do something permanently to myself, so in a brief window of clarity I told a manager and my mom about how I was feeling, then went to a counseling center and am scheduled for an appointment tomorrow morning (was threatened with hospitalization, thankfully I begged out of it). Will likely be put on anti-depressants.

 

Meanwhile I keep thinking about him, his quirks, his hobbies. Saw a Spongebob outlet in the counselor's room and almost lost it. Keep thinking about all the things we didn't do together, the future we planned together and now won't have.

 

Most of all I keep thinking WHY. He was happy. He loved me. Loved having me in his life. Those feelings didn't change, but he always felt something was 'off' so he called it quits, wanting to be single for the first time since 2007. I don't know if that, not being single since '07, when he was 15, or the stress of his exams, graduation, and no job lined up. I keep hearing how stress does crap to a lot of people, especially highly intellectual ones like he was, but he seems sure his mind won't be changed. Doesn't feel right to me in the least. Feels so, so wrong. He was the greatest of friends, the rock in my life, and I have a giant hole where he left.

[jinxycat]

After reading your post, the first thing I thought was; No person is ever worth you taking your life over. Seriously. I struggle with depression, and went into a major tailspin where it was very hard to get out of bed in the morning or do anything productive when I first broke up with my ex. You just have to take it one day at a time, and trust me, it does get better. I used to roll my eyes at people when they said "life goes on" but really, it keeps things in perspective. This person will not be your last relationship nor the last love of your life. Just take this time to really heal, and work on loving yourself. Also, I highly suggest the no contact rule for at least 60 days. When I first broke up with my ex, I couldn't watch certain shows, or go to places just because it reminded me too much of him. So, I avoided them, and saved myself a lot of pain. Its only been 2 days, this is when the shock and hurt is the worst. You'll get through this.

[SLee]

I feel your pain I really do.

 

You're in a lot of pain right now. You're allowed to grieve, so let yourself grieve.

 

My break made no sense either, it often doesn't. Don't try to seek out answers right now, you're in no state to.

 

Crying a lot is fine, but do your best to eat when you can. I barely ate for a month and a half, just because food made me nauseous and I had no appetite. I've lost 20 pounds (I'm short and small framed) and I looked and felt like complete crap constantly because of it. I barely could keep anything I ate down. Choose light foods. Fruit is great, drink a lot of water and even add juice just to get some calories in you. Soups are also really good because all the nutrients are boiled into the broth already. I almost had to go to the ER for malnutrition and dehydration, and my health started taking really bad turns. So eat when you can, even if it's not a lot and stay as hydrated as possible. Your appetite will come back. Right now your health is the most important thing.

 

I also have depression and just before the break up I was in a much better place after spending months taking care of my mental health. When the break happened, I was at rock bottom once again, so I understand where you're coming from. Relying on the help of family and friends, and seeking therapy was the biggest step I took there that helped me climb out of it.

 

I thought of my ex constantly, and still do a lot. Thought of all the things we planned to do that we never actually did and all that. It's really hard. Immediately after the break up, instead of ignoring those thoughts, I let them be. I poured all my feelings out on this huge word document that was like 15 pages long. It helped immensely and to help me make sense of what was happening to me. Articulating your feelings on paper/word document will help them feel less pent up inside. Otherwise they just swim in your head and torture you.

 

The best thing you can do about all those reminders is to do your best to get rid of them. Delete conversations on Facebook/phones, pictures, gifts, his favorite stuff, etc. Get rid of all of it. I hate throwing away memories, so I packed all that stuff in a box and gave it to a friend to hold on to for a very long time. Avoid all his favorite music, TV shows, movies, etc. Otherwise, you're just going to fall into the trap at looking at all that stuff and end up being more miserable and sad.

 

It's still hard too. I heard one of his favorite songs come on in a restaurant when I was out with a friend and had to excuse myself from the table for a few minutes.

 

What you're going through is normal and you're definitely not alone in the least.

 

If he was 15 in 07, I'm guessing he's in his early 20s now. He's probably around the same age as my ex. Similar to you, my ex has been super stressed and defeated with work and school and is one of the "intellectual" types (I guess I fall into that category too). My ex is also the same way in that his minds doesn't seem like it'll ever change. Personally, in my situation (I can't speak for yours), my ex blamed the stress of the relationship for a lot of his troubles, but now that the relationship is gone, he's still a mess. But, it's his problem now, not mine. You have to think the same way.

 

I know this is hard to digest, because I was right where you are not very long ago. The last thing I wanted to hear was to "let it go" or "just focus on a life without him". But after hearing it over and over, I began to digest it and make strides in that direction.

 

Unfortunately, a LOT goes down at that age in life and the stress and uncertainty of the future catches up to people. It happened to me to, but I came around. If that's the case, he needs to take this time for himself, so let him. And more importantly, YOU need to take time to. Give yourself time. Allow yourself to grieve. Your feelings are totally valid.

 

What helped me and still does help me on low days is to make a list of everything that was objectively wrong with him/the relationship or things I just didn't like. Did he have a really annoying habit? Did he handle arguments in an immature way? Did he get a really stupid haircut that he thought looked awesome? etc. Anything and everything you can think of. Get others to add to it too. Hearing the things my friends, family, and acquaintances said about him helped me see him as he actually is way more clearly than this idealized version of him I made immediately following the break up.

 

Telling others my story has been the BIGGEST help thus far and hearing others. My friends and family came out in droves to help me through everything. The outpouring of love and support was overwhelming (in a good way) and reminded me how wonderful the people in my life are and how loved I really am, even if my ex doesn't love me. When I would tell people they would say "wow, what a jerk. why are you still hung up on this guy?" and even though I wanted to believe they were wrong and that our love was real and stuff, I slowly digested what I heard and I hold onto it when I'm down. Keep posting on LS too, believe me the people here will be supportive and direct when needed.

 

You're going to feel that hole for possibly a while. It's normal and it's okay. As you make progress in healing, you'll slowly fill that hole with yourself. What are YOUR hobbies? What do YOU like to do? What can YOU focus your time and energy on that isn't about HIM? It's a long road, but you'll be better for it as you make progress.

 

My mom gave me this advice post break up: "You will feel differently in a year. Not sure what you'll feel or how, but you WILL feel different." Give it time. I already feel VERY differently than I did immediately post break up and I'll keep changing as time goes on. So will you. Everyone has their own timeline in healing and steps they have to take after experiencing this loss, but you'll find your way if you keep thinking in the right direction.

 

If you're EVER considering suicide, call a hotline in your country and reach out to people about how you're feeling.

 

Finally, other posters have directed myself and others to this website that's just brilliant, and I read it whenever I feel low. Please give it a look: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[d0nnivain]

Do not kill yourself over some guy. You will get over this. I'm not entirely sure anti depressants are a good idea either but talk to a doctor about that. Pills work because you have a long term chemical imbalance. You are upset because of a break up. That is not a permanent condition. Pills don't cure heart ache.

 

Do talk to your counselors & do think about a change of school / scenery. Summer's coming. It's time to go home, catch up with old friends, ear a few bucks toward next semester & have fun.

 

You are not defined by your BF.

[fireflywy]

I feel your pain I really do.

 

You're in a lot of pain right now. You're allowed to grieve, so let yourself grieve.

 

My break made no sense either, it often doesn't. Don't try to seek out answers right now, you're in no state to.

 

Crying a lot is fine, but do your best to eat when you can. I barely ate for a month and a half, just because food made me nauseous and I had no appetite. I've lost 20 pounds (I'm short and small framed) and I looked and felt like complete crap constantly because of it. I barely could keep anything I ate down. Choose light foods. Fruit is great, drink a lot of water and even add juice just to get some calories in you. Soups are also really good because all the nutrients are boiled into the broth already. I almost had to go to the ER for malnutrition and dehydration, and my health started taking really bad turns. So eat when you can, even if it's not a lot and stay as hydrated as possible. Your appetite will come back. Right now your health is the most important thing.

 

I also have depression and just before the break up I was in a much better place after spending months taking care of my mental health. When the break happened, I was at rock bottom once again, so I understand where you're coming from. Relying on the help of family and friends, and seeking therapy was the biggest step I took there that helped me climb out of it.

 

I thought of my ex constantly, and still do a lot. Thought of all the things we planned to do that we never actually did and all that. It's really hard. Immediately after the break up, instead of ignoring those thoughts, I let them be. I poured all my feelings out on this huge word document that was like 15 pages long. It helped immensely and to help me make sense of what was happening to me. Articulating your feelings on paper/word document will help them feel less pent up inside. Otherwise they just swim in your head and torture you.

 

The best thing you can do about all those reminders is to do your best to get rid of them. Delete conversations on Facebook/phones, pictures, gifts, his favorite stuff, etc. Get rid of all of it. I hate throwing away memories, so I packed all that stuff in a box and gave it to a friend to hold on to for a very long time. Avoid all his favorite music, TV shows, movies, etc. Otherwise, you're just going to fall into the trap at looking at all that stuff and end up being more miserable and sad.

 

It's still hard too. I heard one of his favorite songs come on in a restaurant when I was out with a friend and had to excuse myself from the table for a few minutes.

 

What you're going through is normal and you're definitely not alone in the least.

 

If he was 15 in 07, I'm guessing he's in his early 20s now. He's probably around the same age as my ex. Similar to you, my ex has been super stressed and defeated with work and school and is one of the "intellectual" types (I guess I fall into that category too). My ex is also the same way in that his minds doesn't seem like it'll ever change. Personally, in my situation (I can't speak for yours), my ex blamed the stress of the relationship for a lot of his troubles, but now that the relationship is gone, he's still a mess. But, it's his problem now, not mine. You have to think the same way.

 

I know this is hard to digest, because I was right where you are not very long ago. The last thing I wanted to hear was to "let it go" or "just focus on a life without him". But after hearing it over and over, I began to digest it and make strides in that direction.

 

Unfortunately, a LOT goes down at that age in life and the stress and uncertainty of the future catches up to people. It happened to me to, but I came around. If that's the case, he needs to take this time for himself, so let him. And more importantly, YOU need to take time to. Give yourself time. Allow yourself to grieve. Your feelings are totally valid.

 

What helped me and still does help me on low days is to make a list of everything that was objectively wrong with him/the relationship or things I just didn't like. Did he have a really annoying habit? Did he handle arguments in an immature way? Did he get a really stupid haircut that he thought looked awesome? etc. Anything and everything you can think of. Get others to add to it too. Hearing the things my friends, family, and acquaintances said about him helped me see him as he actually is way more clearly than this idealized version of him I made immediately following the break up.

 

Telling others my story has been the BIGGEST help thus far and hearing others. My friends and family came out in droves to help me through everything. The outpouring of love and support was overwhelming (in a good way) and reminded me how wonderful the people in my life are and how loved I really am, even if my ex doesn't love me. When I would tell people they would say "wow, what a jerk. why are you still hung up on this guy?" and even though I wanted to believe they were wrong and that our love was real and stuff, I slowly digested what I heard and I hold onto it when I'm down. Keep posting on LS too, believe me the people here will be supportive and direct when needed.

 

You're going to feel that hole for possibly a while. It's normal and it's okay. As you make progress in healing, you'll slowly fill that hole with yourself. What are YOUR hobbies? What do YOU like to do? What can YOU focus your time and energy on that isn't about HIM? It's a long road, but you'll be better for it as you make progress.

 

My mom gave me this advice post break up: "You will feel differently in a year. Not sure what you'll feel or how, but you WILL feel different." Give it time. I already feel VERY differently than I did immediately post break up and I'll keep changing as time goes on. So will you. Everyone has their own timeline in healing and steps they have to take after experiencing this loss, but you'll find your way if you keep thinking in the right direction.

 

If you're EVER considering suicide, call a hotline in your country and reach out to people about how you're feeling.

 

Finally, other posters have directed myself and others to this website that's just brilliant, and I read it whenever I feel low. Please give it a look: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

This was well said.

[Ashurii]

Thank you everyone, especially SLee with that wonderful post.

 

I know no guy is worth taking my life over, and I know that, it's just the feelings are so overwhelming, and I've been fighting them for so long (18, I'm 24 now), I'm just so insanely tired. I was better yesterday after I got to my sister's--we talked a lot, and I felt relatively normal. I felt like my life, and me, were going to be okay. When I woke up the feeling was back. Not the complete and utter depression I was in before, but even right now, it feels like a gigantic boulder is on my chest. It feels hard to breathe, to cope.

 

I have the appointment in 20 minutes and I'm scared of that, too. I know I want to change my life, change who I've been and how I've felt and handled things, but the thought is scary is daunting.

[d0nnivain]

Change is scary but this appointment is the first step in getting you the relief you need.

 

tell your therapist your fears.

 

You will get through this.

[SLee]

D0nnivain is completely right. Honestly, going to therapy and talking to someone objective who also knows what they're doing was a big help for me.

 

As far as suicidal thoughts go, I had them too. They passed. Even though I'm still sad and depressed, the really horrible suicidal thought did go away. Going out with friends helped that for me. Even though the last thing I wanted to do was be social, being where other people are in general helps because it reminded me that there is more to the world than my misery and my ex. I was making great progress in my mental health, and then I got dumped and it all came flooding back. It's a struggle but you WILL get through it.

 

If you're ever feeling suicidal, reach out or call a hot line. Going to therapy will also help that as well, I reckon.

 

The sadness is going to come and go. As it stands now, I have good hours and bad hours. Mornings are the worst because I wake up and for a few seconds I believe it was all just a bad dream and everything is fine. Then I remember it's not and it's depressing as he**. You'll have good hours and bad hours too. Venting to people helps keep my head straight, so keep doing that like you did with your sister. Eventually, you'll start doing things that improve YOUR life and the good hours will start to outnumber the bad. Then you'll have good days and bad days. The good days will eventually start to outnumber the bad.

 

The boulder in your chest will start to get lighter. I felt like I had barbed wire strangling my heart causing me physical chest pain, but even that has subsided in only a month in a half or so.

 

Your appointment will be okay. It's terrifying spilling your guts out to someone like that, trust me, but it helps. Don't let the sad/bad thoughts swim in your head, they'll only drive you mad.

 

Try to look at things this way, I remind myself of these things when I get sad about my ex:

 

He's losing someone who loved him, all I'm losing is someone who didn't love me.

 

If my ex comes back after some time of self improvement on both parts, great. If he doesn't, I'm working on myself and will eventually be in a much better place. Either way, I win.

 

Keep getting your thoughts out. Get them out on paper. I carry a journal to jot my thoughts down whenever I need it. Write poetry, doesn't even have to be good. However you need to handle it in a healthy way, do it. Keep posting your progress. Post your whole story in the breakup story if you want, I did. It helped get it all out there.