I do my best but.. (stream of conciousness rant!)

[fireflywy]

I have been posting here a lot and try to help everyone where I can with either wit, humor, serious discussion, and even a video or two.

 

I after reading about a POF posting tonight, began to think about my ex-gf who, after a year and half of our relationship, which I tried very hard to maintain and keep going (very one sided which ultimately lead to me breaking it off with her). She was on dating website 1.)I suspect incognito the next day 2.) most certainly within two weeks on another site openly. I know I shouldn't have looked but I wanted to prove if my reasons for the break up were justified and I was proven right in that her "love" for me was shallower then a 5 minute rain puddle. lol

 

Anyway, it has now been almost two months of no contact. My last message to her was one of "no hard feelings and I know it's over" left on her voice mail sixty days ago (she blocked me because I had ONE moment of angst where all I had asked is that she talk to me a little bit longer and which, I'm not proud of fyi) I have not heard a thing back.

 

I guess, it hurts knowing she has someone else. Before people judge me, I honestly, and more then I ever have before, tried so very hard with this person. I never raised my voice in anger, never broke her down, supported her in her ventures (she had some big ones), and was there for her. All I had ever asked from her was true, loving affection which wasn't forced from her, and I always told her that if she didn't have it, to please let me go before I got hurt. She never did.

 

She had only been divorced for about 9 months, (and yes I made sure to check her pulse about dating and commitment when there were issues involved) and we were together 1.5 years (ended in January at my hand)

 

Here's some of the red flags I overlooked.

 

-Hid me when we started dating even though she was plastered over a dating website.

 

-Heard from a friend she was still on dating website after we had become official. (That was doozy of discussion! lol She finally took it down.)

 

-Never gave me any appreciation, compliments, affirmations. She sure could swoon over her male boss though! Ugh.

 

-Yelled at me in public for innocent comments (even knocked my hat off once in front of a group of her friends when she was being a jerk and I was being quiet. I didn't react to her motion as she is very explosive) My friends had a field day with this one! They all said I should have left her a** there but I was the driver for our group and we were 50 miles from home.

 

-Never introduced me, in certain situations as her boyfriend when there were other guys around (her friends did though!)

 

-Always spoke badly of other people, very judgmental with no real true friendships beyond those who are there for the moment.

 

-Very successful, and attractive (she was a 10) but always wore tight clothes to show off her body. Even said she was "much better looking" then her friends. (When I warned her of hubris, she went balistic lol)

 

-Still talked to her ex (no kids, no financial assests, no ties!) who had left her, moved on and with a new girl, forced her to divorce, abusive to animals, and was arrested not long ago (domestic abuse of his gf) and called her for bail money. I was okay for the first year of her talking to him and accepted it because she said "Oh, he'll eventually stop. He only calls every now and then" (it was every three weeks and apparently HIS gf hated him for it) and after his arrest, I finally had to ask "WTF. Why?" (I got called controlling for this. Perhaps I was, but damn it, a year together and she couldn't even tell a p.o.s. like him, who lived off her, ruined her chance for an important job btw! to reduce contact even though we had discussed the future, in many ways, together.

 

-Never wanted to spend time with MY friends. (My friends wife eventually told me in the aftermath, that she was very rude to me. I guess I had taken it as her joking.)

 

-Was increasingly investing more and more time with her friends (I was invited to many of these outings but they happened EVERY F'ING WEEKEND. I was also okay with her having her time. Her friends, in their 30s! btw, were guy crazy and wanted her as a wingman!

 

-Would make jokes with her lady friends, in front of me, and other single guys (not connected to anyone) they her friends collected at mutual parties, with comments like "Maybe I'll go spend time down at xhot guys place then!" I eventually, and politely told her that these comments were troublesome to which her response was "You're trying to change me." Um, no, I just wanted a little respect.

 

-Judged me for my current job, all the while making a ton of money as very successful, educated career woman (I always told her how proud I was of her and I was!) who was trying to find his way back up. (I always paid my own way and always would!) She knew how much angst I had over this and how much she hurt me. She, at the end, said her "hen" party judged me too. (I have a masters, a b.a., and two associates one of which I recently got to pad the resume/job skills.)

 

-Always said "I can't do this!" and even threatened a break up and did so because I contradicted her in a political discussion and finally got to the point, on my end, where I wasn't going to simply roll over after having done so for so long. And yes, I never yelled at her or demeaned her in these discussions instead utilizing only logic. (I enjoyed learning from her and had learned long ago not to devalue people or throw them away for political differences!)

 

-Throwing me under the bus to her friends who thought I was trying to pull her away from them BECAUSE, at one of their parties, the party was going into "Have you ever" teenage games and because a guy had his hands on her (she was drunk) and threatening to show all the girls there his d*** (he and I were only males and he came over late that night at midnight) and I politely asked her, after being there for six hours, if we could go home. She said, the night of the incident she understood but the next time we argued she let slip that she told her friends that "Yeah. We left because he was annoyed with you."

 

OMG.. there are a TON more. Just giving some people a little insight into what I went through. I have a paper of forty more things.

 

Anyway, I don't know why, so many days after we ended it, that it still bothers me so much. Thinking about her moving on, and her not wanting to be with me has been hard. Oh, and not EVERYTHING was bad by the way. We had some very good moments and she was actually quite calm, my friends say "cold" during our breakup and was being more expressive then she ever had been in subsequent post break up discussions (which made it even harder and lead me to brief week and half of wanting to make it work to which I, the dumper, became dumpee. Lol Never doing that again.)

 

I guess, I'm posting this, because I want to let it go. Since "Start your Long Walk Day" I've had moments where I wanted to be this kind, loving, and forgiving man (even told her I forgave her on one message, yeah wimp I know), but lately, I'm starting to see her as a horrible person. I don't want that. I really don't want that.

 

I know that at the end of the day, she's just a human being, flawed like me, and has the capacity to be decent and light hearted (but still not enough for us I guess) and I'm searching for goodness. She works hard, is confident, attractive, easy to talk to (when not political) has good intentions and nobility for her career, and loves the idea of children. However, in searching for those things, it only makes me more heartbroken because its what I did to keep hanging on to her in the relationship.

 

Anyway, it's just a long rant. I know it's done, I know she isn't EVER coming back, that I shouldn't WANT her to come back, that it's broken and perhaps was ALWAYS brittle, and I suspect she's a love avoidant attachment style. However, with that said, I DO love her even in my anger, and even though I got shafted and, I fear, ultimately lead on as a rebound, I want her to be happy while also wanting, (and this is what I hate) for her to have a little remorse.

 

How do you all cope with this/felt like this?

Edited April 10, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

And... my answer. No need to respond everyone.

 

I wrote this when I was 28 years old. I just found this thread trying to help someone else.

 

I feel like I just met myself in a time machine! So damn weird.

 

I wrote this in 2006.

 

"One of the reasons why I wrote what i wrote is because I'm reading a book called the "Four Agreements." In that book they talk about words as having power. We can either use or words to curse someone, thus hurting them in various ways, or we can use our words to show who we truly are. We can even label people without them ever knowing and thus carry around a poison which effects our future relationships. It does damage to ourselves. I know that there were moments on this very board where I once called her cruel and heartless, but for me that is a type of poison. I don't want that in my life. She's not cruel and heartless, she just is what she is.

 

There is also another part of the book that discusses not taking things personal. If she doesn't respond to me, then she doesn't. If she is angry, than she is. Those are her own internal mechanisms for dealing. In a sense, the book talks about people as mirrors. If I send out light to someone in one way it's going to be reflected back to me. If I send it out to her, and it bounces off the mirror, then I still see myself in the action I did as it reflected back to me. If I send out the same light, and she returns it, I still see myself in the mirror reflected back from her because she may return the same respect and grace. If I hold onto a grudge, hold onto thinking she's cruel and heartless, everytime I see her, I'll feel that anger reflected back to me. Make sense?

 

For herself, she may have difficulty seeing what was being sent, but in time, she may also understand it and learn from it.

 

This is not to say that I don't learn from relationships or let that I let someone walk all over me. I can still have my boundaries, my needs, desires, and wants. This also doesn't mean that I can avoid all conflict or take a principled stand when the cause is called for. If I disagree with someone and I send it out, and I truly believe where I stand, people may either respect it, and reflect back their respect, or it may bounce off but I can still view my own self respect one way or the other. In doing so, I also understand that I'm a mirror to other people as well. In that way, we are all the same.

 

For me, putting it in these terms, has made a world of difference.

 

Either way, I feel that by offering my peace, I'm being true to myself and to my core. I learn to be a better a human because I see myself more clearly in the mirror. That strengthens me for future journeys and the next person who steps into my life. For me, I believe it's healing. "

[fireflywy]

This isn't helping me. I'm still falling backwards. I feel like I just broke up with her. Is this.normal after the two month mark?

[NopeNah]

This isn't helping me. I'm still falling backwards. I feel like I just broke up with her. Is this.normal after the two month mark?

 

If you keep rehashing the "Why's,if's and but I could have's"...Yes..you will stay stuck..time to get on with your life for you,my friend.

[badpenny]

Who knows? For some, it's 'normal' after the 2-year mark.

 

I confess your 'Stream of Consciousness' title drew me in.

I thought I might find a thread contribution touching on aspects of Buddhism... That'll teach me...!

 

Well, hopefully, I can still help... even if not along that line of thinking.

 

Basically you still love her because there's an element to her you want to fix.

She's broken.

Badly broken.

She has horrendous issues, and she's damaged goods.

There is so much wrong with her, from what you say, that it would be hard to know where to begin to put matters right, but here's the thing:

 

You can't fix her, it's not your duty to do so, and she can't be fixed by anyone other than herself.

 

Your feelings of affection are tinged with feelings of failure.

Jiminy, you tried moving Hell and high water to be the person she needed, but nothing you did, or could have done, would have made any difference.

 

You CAN call her what you perceive her to be, because that image, to you, is the real thing, and it's the effect it has had on you.

 

In time, this perception may change, soften, harden, transform... who knows?

But it won't stay the same because nothing ever does.

 

She was abusive. She was rude, and a bully. She mistreated you and unfortunately, your passive attitude was misinterpreted by her as you accepting her the way she was.

 

She masks her real emotions regarding your break-up, I'll bet. You think, you believe, you perceive she doesn't care, but you know what she's doing? She's using band-aids to try to fix a broken arm.

Everything she's going through is just a mask to hide the terror of who she is. And she KNOWS she's damaged, for sure. Either she won't admit it, or she's pushed it so far down she'll deny it until her dying breath, but I bet you, she knows.

 

And that's what Suffering, is.

In Buddhist terms, she is 'Suffering' because she believes that some things will make her happier whereas in fact, they will just compound her misery.

 

I know you feel down right now, but you at least can look at the situation in its grimmest light and heal.

She? She may take years, until she gets it.

And until then, her relationships, however long or short, will be dysfunctional.

[fireflywy]

Thanks. I'm trying. I only want to know that I mattered. It's not about what ifs anymore I guess. I want to hear that but at the same time I know that hearing from her will crush me because she had no idea what this is doing to me (I know she's not doing anything directly but her silence is painful especially when she knows who I am.) Maybe she's doing the right thing in not communicating with me because she knows how painful it was for me. I don't know. I'll stay no contact of course on my end, but the longer thattime goes on WITHOUT hearing from her, is more time that I fear I'll never even get consideration from her about what we were. It's a catch 22. I feel stuck.

[Jonp219]

If you keep rehashing the "Why's,if's and but I could have's"...Yes..you will stay stuck..time to get on with your life for you,my friend.

 

It's really not that simple, i'm currently going through this myself. I feel like I had the chance to save a puppy from an oncoming car but instead I just stood there and let it get ran over. Everyday I go through the constant struggle of trying to forgive myself and I just can't. I feel absolutely scarred by my own incompetence and no knowledge of how to improve on it is going to fix that, ever.

[fireflywy]

It's really not that simple, i'm currently going through this myself. I feel like I had the chance to save a puppy from an oncoming car but instead I just stood there and let it get ran over. Everyday I go through the constant struggle of trying to forgive myself and I just can't. I feel absolutely scarred by my own incompetence and no knowledge of how to improve on it is going to fix that, ever.

 

I don't really have any major guilt. I know there were a few things I could work on. (insecurities which, funny enough were exacerbated by the treatment I received above) but I did do my best. I guess I'm torn between accepting that maybe she is as cold as she once described herself, which does me no good while I'm in pain and creates anger (which I don't want to have) or realizing, based on her behavior above, that I'll just never get it because she never had it (which is also hurtful because I tried so hard.)

 

Ugh. Anyway, I should stop hitching I guess. Fate has played its hand but I just wish I could figure out the lesson.

[NopeNah]

It's really not that simple, i'm currently going through this myself. I feel like I had the chance to save a puppy from an oncoming car but instead I just stood there and let it get ran over. Everyday I go through the constant struggle of trying to forgive myself and I just can't. I feel absolutely scarred by my own incompetence and no knowledge of how to improve on it is going to fix that, ever.

 

Forgive yourself,man. Then work on improving yourself. I suggest buying a fast car or strip clubs!

[fireflywy]

Who knows? For some, it's 'normal' after the 2-year mark.

 

I confess your 'Stream of Consciousness' title drew me in.

I thought I might find a thread contribution touching on aspects of Buddhism... That'll teach me...!

 

Well, hopefully, I can still help... even if not along that line of thinking.

 

Basically you still love her because there's an element to her you want to fix.

She's broken.

Badly broken.

She has horrendous issues, and she's damaged goods.

There is so much wrong with her, from what you say, that it would be hard to know where to begin to put matters right, but here's the thing:

 

You can't fix her, it's not your duty to do so, and she can't be fixed by anyone other than herself.

 

Your feelings of affection are tinged with feelings of failure.

Jiminy, you tried moving Hell and high water to be the person she needed, but nothing you did, or could have done, would have made any difference.

 

You CAN call her what you perceive her to be, because that image, to you, is the real thing, and it's the effect it has had on you.

 

In time, this perception may change, soften, harden, transform... who knows?

But it won't stay the same because nothing ever does.

 

She was abusive. She was rude, and a bully. She mistreated you and unfortunately, your passive attitude was misinterpreted by her as you accepting her the way she was.

 

She masks her real emotions regarding your break-up, I'll bet. You think, you believe, you perceive she doesn't care, but you know what she's doing? She's using band-aids to try to fix a broken arm.

Everything she's going through is just a mask to hide the terror of who she is. And she KNOWS she's damaged, for sure. Either she won't admit it, or she's pushed it so far down she'll deny it until her dying breath, but I bet you, she knows.

 

And that's what Suffering, is.

In Buddhist terms, she is 'Suffering' because she believes that some things will make her happier whereas in fact, they will just compound her misery.

 

I know you feel down right now, but you at least can look at the situation in its grimmest light and heal.

She? She may take years, until she gets it.

And until then, her relationships, however long or short, will be dysfunctional.

Thank you for posting this. God bless you!

 

 

I missed this earlier when I posting on my tiny cell phone screen. You are right in the broken aspects because she even once said, post break up "Gee. I hope I'm not broken or anything..." to which I tried to reassure her of her positive qualities and to seek positive qualities in other people.

 

Tonight though, I finally, FINALLY, had a breakthrough which I hope sticks. The break through was basically similar to what you said about masks. I believe that she wore two of them in that she would say something positive to me when questioned, but something else to others which contradicted what she told me. In the end of the relationship, when I was basically forced to break up with her and then when she went cold, she stated that "We would still be together if you hadn't broken up with me" right when I was fighting to win her back a week a later. (When we broke, I told her that I loved her but her words were speaking to me that she was on a different page and she didn't protest one iota to the contrary.) She then said, after the "still be together" comment, that she didn't want to lead me on. Two different contradictions. She was constantly doing this and I saw her do it with people all of the time. She had one woman who she absolutely HATED, but would still hang out with her. It made no sense.

 

Today, I finally came to grips with that and finally reached a state of apathy, not hatred, not longing to be with her or confusion as my original post outlined my struggle.

 

I'm now, accepting that this is just who she is and this isn't good for me to try and be the loving, understanding, white knight. I realize I have this tendency and also learned I'm a more anxious attachment style which was only exacerbated by her behavior. Simply not good for me, or her for that matter.

 

For the first time, literally since the breakup, I can BREATH again knowing my own failings (admitting my role in the relatonship as I wasn't always carefree and maybe somewhat needy) and finally move on. I may have to repeat this dialogue several times before it sticks, but I finally have a lighthouse which makes sense to ME.

 

In the end, because I love her, I can forgive her whether she knows it or not, and she'll always have someone quietly praying for safety, well being, and happiness where she is one day able to find the joy, power, and commitment of love. I can also forgive myself because I know I only wanted the best for both her, and myself and still do. I can't feel guilt over that anymore as I did the best I could do with the cards I was dealt and what's left on the table.

 

I'll always love her and in time, I'll find someone who I wil open up to again and who will always love me.

 

Thank you for listening everyone!

 

P.S. I also watched "A Million Ways to Die in the West" and the relationship scenes were funny. Like the main character, I'm realizing how good a two way relationship would feel and that, while I care about her, I don't want her anymore. Funny to cite I know, but there has been a lot of weird synchronicity of events right now. Oh and with that, strangely, tonight, one of them came from the scent of stetson cologne, a scent that my recently passed father wore, and that is no longer in the house and others also detected. I actually, cried tonight over it. Id like to think that perhaps, in small, small way, I'm still being looked out for.

Edited April 11, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

One other thing badpenny, buddhist thought is always interesting. I'm currently applying neuro linguistic programming, ancient hermeticism, meditation, visualization, biblical acts of forgiveness, and self help, into a marvelous mental and spiritual stew to nourish my soul.

 

I'm going to read "Mans Search for Meaning" next.

[ephemeralme]

Thank you for posting this. God bless you!

 

 

I missed this earlier when I posting on my tiny cell phone screen. You are right in the broken aspects because she even once said, post break up "Gee. I hope I'm not broken or anything..." to which I tried to reassure her of her positive qualities and to seek positive qualities in other people.

 

Tonight though, I finally, FINALLY, had a breakthrough which I hope sticks. The break through was basically similar to what you said about masks. I believe that she wore two of them in that she would say something positive to me when questioned, but something else to others which contradicted what she told me. In the end of the relationship, when I was basically forced to break up with her and then when she went cold, she stated that "We would still be together if you hadn't broken up with me" right when I was fighting to win her back a week a later. (When we broke, I told her that I loved her but her words were speaking to me that she was on a different page and she didn't protest one iota to the contrary.) She then said, after the "still be together" comment, that she didn't want to lead me on. Two different contradictions. She was constantly doing this and I saw her do it with people all of the time. She had one woman who she absolutely HATED, but would still hang out with her. It made no sense.

 

Today, I finally came to grips with that and finally reached a state of apathy, not hatred, not longing to be with her or confusion as my original post outlined my struggle.

 

I'm now, accepting that this is just who she is and this isn't good for me to try and be the loving, understanding, white knight. I realize I have this tendency and also learned I'm a more anxious attachment style which was only exacerbated by her behavior. Simply not good for me, or her for that matter.

 

For the first time, literally since the breakup, I can BREATH again knowing my own failings (admitting my role in the relatonship as I wasn't always carefree and maybe somewhat needy) and finally move on. I may have to repeat this dialogue several times before it sticks, but I finally have a lighthouse which makes sense to ME.

 

In the end, because I love her, I can forgive her whether she knows it or not, and she'll always have someone quietly praying for safety, well being, and happiness where she is one day able to find the joy, power, and commitment of love. I can also forgive myself because I know I only wanted the best for both her, and myself and still do. I can't feel guilt over that anymore as I did the best I could do with the cards I was dealt and what's left on the table.

 

I'll always love her and in time, I'll find someone who I wil open up to again and who will always love me.

 

Thank you for listening everyone!

 

P.S. I also watched "A Million Ways to Die in the West" and the relationship scenes were funny. Like the main character, I'm realizing how good a two way relationship would feel and that, while I care about her, I don't want her anymore. Funny to cite I know, but there has been a lot of weird synchronicity of events right now. Oh and with that, strangely, tonight, one of them came from the scent of stetson cologne, a scent that my recently passed father wore, and that is no longer in the house and others also detected. I actually, cried tonight over it. Id like to think that perhaps, in small, small way, I'm still being looked out for.

 

 

 

 

I, for one; am 2 weeks out from my 6.5 year R end... we are both in our young 50s and previously divorced- each w/R inbtween. I came here about 2 weeks ago, posted once and have found myself basically suspended in pain, guilt, sadness, overwhelming loss of hope and the physical body senses of this loss. there are other emotional losses and struggles for me these past 14 months of which this BC has destroyed the last shred of reservoir I have to cope. I wanted to just say.. I empathize with your circumstances, your heart and your struggles and it is nice to read you are finding light ahead of you. This posting, coming back- reads for me with understanding. similarities and commonalities. I was left with much blame for the reason of the end.... my insecurities as well.

I know I have them and laid my cards on the table from the get go. Now I am going to a therapist and not only to heal my heart and soul but to "own" my own baggage and sh*t. I do know though, a R is 100-100% two people. two --NOT one to make it work. Ugh, sigh..... tears. it still hurts so freaking damn much. Yet, I know I love him. I will always carry love for him in my heart and I actually do pray for him... I do want his life to be good to him and healthy and beautiful. That is how I find some forgiveness of LIFE's struggles. I am not in a place to forgive him yet or myself; but I am trying to find some peace with the struggle of life...

Peace to all of you... endings are so painful, loss is such a grieving sadness and it hurts like HELL>.... but too, be kind to YOU.... be as kind to yourself as you gave kindness to your love. sorry, I am not more helpful to everyone here on LS.....but my heart goes out to each of you struggling and hanging onto hope for a shining light in your day.

[badpenny]

One other thing badpenny, buddhist thought is always interesting. I'm currently applying neuro linguistic programming, ancient hermeticism, meditation, visualization, biblical acts of forgiveness, and self help, into a marvelous mental and spiritual stew to nourish my soul.

 

I'm going to read "Mans Search for Meaning" next.

 

I don't currently have PM facility, but when I do, I'll drop you a PM/line and if you want to discuss anything feel free to do so.

 

I'm not pushing myself onto you, in that way, and I hasten to add, emphatically, that I am no expert on Buddhism, but I've been doing it a while and it's fascinating stuff.

 

I would urge caution in trying to absorb too much information, on many aspects of psychology, at once. You might experience a brain-fry or get yourself knotted up with everything swirling around in your mind.

Go easy on yourself; you're experiencing a relationship fall-out, and may still be in a bit of emotional shock....

 

Be well. I'll touch base every now and then.

 

Much metta.

[fireflywy]

I don't currently have PM facility, but when I do, I'll drop you a PM/line and if you want to discuss anything feel free to do so.

 

I'm not pushing myself onto you, in that way, and I hasten to add, emphatically, that I am no expert on Buddhism, but I've been doing it a while and it's fascinating stuff.

 

I would urge caution in trying to absorb too much information, on many aspects of psychology, at once. You might experience a brain-fry or get yourself knotted up with everything swirling around in your mind.

Go easy on yourself; you're experiencing a relationship fall-out, and may still be in a bit of emotional shock....

 

Be well. I'll touch base every now and then.

 

Much metta.

 

Thanks. The funny thing is, is that the nlp, hermeticism, and meditation, are all really the same thing involving visualization. The nlp is about tricking the subconcious to get a desired result, while the hermetic stuff, is basically based on ancient concepts of the mind and alchemy (which really concerned changing lead into gold on a mental level not a physical one.) And the Christian ideas, well that's simple, Corinthians says it all.

[fireflywy]

Just venting a bit here.

 

Today, I was reading a thread here where someoner ex was being wishy washy about being with their ex saying they needed "time" and everyone said that was indicative that they had someone else already lined up.

 

I was with my ex for 1.5 years when, for the reasons above, and many more in a similar vein, ended it but a week later asked her about coming back. She, like the woman being wishy washy, wanted to think about things and how she felt when I had only.been gone for a week but I know she was guying it up with her hen party.

 

In many ways, looking back on it now, it only affirms that I did the right thing in breaking up with her when, at the time I didn't really want to. However, I'm a little annoyed today in thinking that she moved on so fast and that perhaps SHE is thinking the same thing about me in being in the arms of another guy.

 

Its just rough thinking that she sailed the relationship so lightly when I treated her (and I dont say this with delusion) very well. I guess I had counted, in some small way, that she would have regrets, thus, allowing me to feel, in my own mind anyway, that I was WORTH something to her.

 

Ugh. Any uplifting thoughts would be great right now as I feel SO close to putting the final pieces away.

Edited April 14, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Aaannnnd its confirmed. She has met someone else.

 

I guess she has proved herself the person I was always afraid she was. My good friend said that if you felt she was what you thought, then chances are she was. I did, I ended it, she moved on which proves that I was easily traded and that her affections for me were very little even though she knows I would have fought for her.

 

I had thought of writing her, texting her "Please don't ever talk to me again." Or sending the tiny, pitky nick nacks she had once gotten me and then sending them back.....

 

But I won't. The last words she'll ever have heard from me we're that I was sorry for emotional response, and the second to last conversation she had ever heard from me was that I loved her, forgave her, wished her happiness, and thought well for her future.

 

If words have power, then I hope those words forever echo to her. I don't want her ever destroyed, and chances are, she probably won't even remember me or care, but if she ever does, that's what she'll hear.

 

I'm done now. Now its time to climb back out of this pit.

 

This is now what I will be doing. Done with it.

Edited April 15, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Well,.it has been 3.5 months since I last talked to her. I now have her permanently blocked on my phone via account settings and last night I blocked her friend's that I knew of on facebook because I have been tempted to see exactly who the new guy is via those mutual connections.

 

In short, these last two weeks I have been very angry at how quickly her affections for me dissolved (i know she didn't really have then if you read SOME of the things I went through above) and how she is now actively engaged with her new guy. It also makes me angry because I apologized for being annoyed via voicemail after, that one time! And she directed my calls directly to voicemail and it pisses me off that she is most likely talking trash about me to bolster herself.

 

I get anxiety about stepping out of the house or going to events with the fear I might see her (i don't want to see her with her new man) and I have removed all of her photos from ly.phone to a little memory stick put away somewhere else.

 

I have two pairs of socks she purchased for me as gag gifts from Christmas and a knife she got me from a foreign trip.

 

I'm thinking about chucking these items. After all, what's the point? She didn't love me, she is NEVER coming back to even apologize so why should I keep these things? Hell, I've even thought of destroying the pictures of us and thus completing her COMPLETE erasure from my life.

 

It hurts right now this long after and that pisses me off too.