My venting thread

[Van Norden]

I've been here for some days and finally I can share my story, even though I already done something in the same lines with my first post.

 

I've always been a precocious child. I was into Nietzsche and Kafka when my schoolmates were learning the ABC. The school psychologists found out I was exceptionally gifted verbally, and since then I've been really successful with anything that had to do with language (save for my poor foreign language grammar skills, may I admit). Years passed by and I started discovering a hidden gateway of my brain that didn't function that well, which was the emotional self. Got diagnosed with depression at my teenage years and instantly got almost force-fed with antidepressants and chemicals of several kinds. I rejected them, a decision which my mother supported, since I considered I was not mature enough to consider myself a depressed person but an individual with "bad luck".

 

Years passed by and got into a seemingly endless spiral of self-destruction. Started to hang out, discovered women, partied a whole more lot than what I should, got into drinks and drugs, snorting lines with 40+ and 50+ people who closed the bars..., you can tell there was some kind of hell about to break loose. At the time I started to get along with older people (in fact I was already used to talk with people who doubled my age since pretty young), I mimicked their ways, I inherited their flaws and past disappointments and learned nothing but failure. Still I kept some closer ones who shed some light to my critical self and held them (still I do) in high regard.

 

I never was too lucky with women. One friend me at the time told me that I was too clever for them - screw him. I was good-looking (or so I think), funny, interesting, but something didn't click on them. Of course I had ONS and made out with plenty of unknown women. Fell in love a couple of times but nothing serious. I mixed it up with alcohol and drugs to make it serious, indeed. Got some girls knocking at my door in return, but I didn't care for them at all.

 

After years of wandering, I turned 23 and met a wonderful (and busty) woman, two years older. She was into the same things that I was (pretty uncommon ones, dare I say), and we hooked up instantly. She had different features I won't mention that made 'em so imperfect and I loved each of those flaws I'm now missing. +6 months later she started doubting if she was feeling love or just infatuation and finally, after ups and downs ("I love being with you, don't even take into account my behavior", "you've got no flaws to me, you're absolutely perfect", "oh, how you turn me on..."), she broke up. I told her to reconsider, that I'd help her with her inner struggles and lack of confidence. That I'd be patient. But once she decided that, I wouldn't even consider begging. Cried a lot by my own, and told her everything was OK. Won't talk about her breadcrumbs now. Maybe later I'll elaborate more on the subject. In short: severe case of GIGS. "You're absolutely perfect and still...", "I really like you but I'm not in love". Also, her last relationship was really fresh. She told me the night which she committed herself to a "serious relationship" with me. The first night we walked down the streets with her hand in mine. How moving.

 

I'll add something. Three days before the breakup I started taking my first antidepressants. Guess what? She was my reason to face the dragon and start fighting. I needed someone to love by my side to know that everything else was OK - I was the problem if I couldn't reach happiness at a moment as peachy as mine. Side effects started to develop and had some really hopeless anxiety attacks, nausea, diarrhea, erectile dysfunction..., and now here I am, loveless, rejected and with a medication that worsens my state. Tomorrow I'm seeing another specialist to change this issue, for I've been treated for cyclothymia when it is maybe the lithium what's making me feel suicidal these days.

 

And yes, I remark "suicidal". I've had this thought on my head every now and then. I've thought so many times of suicide that I'm sure I won't commit it. At least now. But I genuinely feel the urge to punish those who could care for me, yet wouldn't be able to reach out to fulfill my basic needs. That close friend who deemed me so clever and disappeared when I needed a helping hand. That woman who was so turned on by me and whose menstrual pain I'd gladly undergone given the chance to grow ovaries when she had her painful period, who is not here when I need her the most. Those women who would more than likely feel aroused by my persona, but didn't even give me a chance out of laziness or lack of interest. So many times I've rejoiced with the thought of eating some more pills than necessary and leave a wonderful note in the lines of "f*ck you all, I'm finally off for a nap". God, you're not firing me - I'm quitting.

 

Deep in my gut I want to think that she'll eventually realize I'm unique. That if I was so perfect she might reconsider a second chance when the grass is not that greener. I really hope I'm able to reconsider it without bitterness nor cynicism, for I'm actually trying to keep myself occupied with constructive things and exorcizing inner demons - just like now. But incertainty kills me, and the thought that maybe she was the best I could aspire is gradually taking my illusions.

 

All I can say is that I'm grateful for those who are helping me to feel better and recovered, be them in real or virtual life. More than once I'd consider someone who vented his own feelings to unknown people a loser. Now I see it's a rewarding thing, for the joy of helping and being helped by nice people is what fills me these days. As for my happiness, I'm into it. I'm really doing things and starting new projects, but my ups and downs won't stop for now and until we get the right meds won't do so. So it's a long journey what I'm about to start, and I'll keep you updated through the forum, if not in this post to keep out of spam those uninterested in my rants.

[Van Norden]

Quick birthday update: Yesterday I met my new therapist, who dropped me some meds of the total I was already taking daily for three months since what I was being force-fed is something intended for bipolar disorder patients and not for depression, which may have hindered my progress. Truth is that 3 months have passed since BU and I still feel in square one. Also I know she will call/text today, I will answer kindly but shortly and with a false mask of having moved on, and later I'll feel even more miserable. And well, I was the one who broke NC for her bday, so keeping it today is not an option.

 

Bleakest birthday. I feel shattered and worthless.

[KBarletta]

Quick birthday update: Yesterday I met my new therapist, who dropped me some meds of the total I was already taking daily for three months since what I was being force-fed is something intended for bipolar disorder patients and not for depression, which may have hindered my progress. Truth is that 3 months have passed since BU and I still feel in square one. Also I know she will call/text today, I will answer kindly but shortly and with a false mask of having moved on, and later I'll feel even more miserable. And well, I was the one who broke NC for her bday, so keeping it today is not an option.

 

Bleakest birthday. I feel shattered and worthless.

 

Hang in there, man. Also, I think it would actually help if you blocked her so you don't even know if she calls or texts. It sounds like it is only going to make your heartache worse anyway. If I were you, I'd organize a fun night out with friends and try to stop thinking about her today. If you block her and don't even answer, that sends more of a message of "moving on" than a short, kind response, IMO. Stop letting her dictate your happiness and focus on being happy on your own.

[Van Norden]

Hang in there, man. Also, I think it would actually help if you blocked her so you don't even know if she calls or texts. It sounds like it is only going to make your heartache worse anyway. If I were you, I'd organize a fun night out with friends and try to stop thinking about her today. If you block her and don't even answer, that sends more of a message of "moving on" than a short, kind response, IMO. Stop letting her dictate your happiness and focus on being happy on your own.

Thanks for your advice. Welcomed and appreciated as always.

Thing is that I read it late. She texted me something cheerful in the line of "just realized what day it is today...", "happy birthday (my nickname when we were together)!!" and finally "well, have fun" (when I actually get the opposite image of herself not really caring at all and almost missing the day). I just replied "oh, thanks!" and that was all. I don't know why these subtle details shatter me. I know she gets also annoyed reading me in monosyllables when we used to spend HOURS with any single thing. Last time she tried to keep the conversation and I just replied "fine". She really gets my intention to remain NC and I should be proud of her - but still I think our relationship has been meaningless for her and that she doesn't miss me at all.

 

All in all, I'm back to square one - but that's what I expected at the beginning of the day. Chances to reconcile seem less probable to me today than ever, and it makes me feel really miserable for the reasons explained above in the first post. Good thing is that NOW is when REAL NC starts. Bad thing is that I've been finally detached from what I loved the most and while I'm missing her even more, she seems to move on easier without my shadow behind her. I know NC is for healing, but if I could do any single thing to get her back I'd break it instantly even knowing it would bring me additional pain. Hell, I don't want to be just a "forgotten ex", not for her. And seems like I'm the least one of the small list who she'd think of in case grass does not get greener.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Van Norden

[BlackbirdSong]

Happy Birthday man! Keep your head up. We all have to.

[Van Norden]

Happy Birthday man! Keep your head up. We all have to.

Thanks dude! As birthday gift I dreamed I was happily married with another woman as hot and intelligent as my ex. Guess it subconsciously means something. Cannot stop the overanalyzing while awake, though. It may be my own illness, but I never thought it could be so damn hard to bear.

[Van Norden]

Bump for the soundtrack to my break up. Hope you like it and feel identified with the lyrics too - though it would be better not to.

 

Spent some weeks crying since I actually "left behind me the ruins of the fortress I swore to defend" and felt like "a broken soldier" as well. Then I came to reason that no, the fortress was well-built and didn't need any soldier surrounding it. At least not me. Still it has its charm to savour one's own melancholy and despair before it turns to bitterness. Enjoy.