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Changing negative thinking patterns?


Stuck74

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I came out of a bad relationship with a BPD female. After all the sh*t she put me through and everything I've done for her she still dumped me three months ago.

 

So I should be happy not to be in her life anymore, right? Well, I'm not happy at all, for some reason.

 

I just feel bad for the way things worked out and I still miss the 5% of times we had it good. "She couldn't help it being a BPD and I let myself be her pushover so i got what I deserved". Thoughts like that ...

 

I have recently started seeing a counselor for every two weeks. Last time she told me I need to stop my destructive way of thinking, writing them down, checking them, etc. So far, it feels like I'm just ripping up old wounds and I'm feeling worse by doing that.

 

Obviously I'm doing something very wrong here, any thoughts? What helped you?

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For example, this thought:

 

I do not have women as beautiful as my ex lining up for me, otherwise I would probably have dumped her way before she dumped me.

It makes me wonder if I've ever loved her or just feared the thought of being alone.

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Sadly there's no magic way to change these negative thinking patterns. (that I know of)

 

It really is as simple as just realizing that what you're thinking is destructive, and not letting it drag you down. You don't just stop having these thoughts overnight. I know that those negative thoughts are comfortable. It's much easier to just have them because they're all we know. You need to fight them, and push them out. Your ex is still living in your head, but hasn't paid the rent. Time to evict her!

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Last time she told me I need to stop my destructive way of thinking, writing them down, checking them, etc. So far, it feels like I'm just ripping up old wounds and I'm feeling worse by doing that.

 

Obviously I'm doing something very wrong here, any thoughts? What helped you?

 

How you describe feeling is exactly how you should be feeling. See, you're taking your discomfort to mean that acknowledging your destructive thoughts by writing them down is a bad thing. It's not. It makes sense and it's a step in the process of ridding yourself of behavior that does not serve you well.

 

What you've been doing up to now is shushing the voice, or letting it talk to you really quietly and guiding your behavior. You've essentially been enabling and tolerating the voice or running away from your pain and trying to ignore it. That hasn't been working.

 

What your therapist is trying to get you to do is to bring those thoughts into the conscious realm so that you stop your usual pattern. Once they are out in the open, you can deal with them in a more constructive manner, but you have to be fully aware of them before you can do that.

 

Then you'll hear the thoughts, you'll hear the voice that speaks to you, and you'll acknowledge it and listen. Then you can start getting to where this stuff comes from and healing some pain from a long time ago that is behind the destructive thinking. And in doing all this, you will finally move forward and away from destructive thinking.

 

It's a process. Feeling bad by doing what your therapist is asking you to do is a good sign that you're on the right track. You need to confront pain that you've always chosen to run from if you ever want to heal.

Edited by idoltree
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I came out of a bad relationship with a BPD female. After all the sh*t she put me through and everything I've done for her she still dumped me three months ago.

 

So I should be happy not to be in her life anymore, right? Well, I'm not happy at all, for some reason.

 

I just feel bad for the way things worked out and I still miss the 5% of times we had it good. "She couldn't help it being a BPD and I let myself be her pushover so i got what I deserved". Thoughts like that ...

 

And, in general, it sounds like your ego is hurt moreso than you missing this girl. You describe being upset that you could have dumped her but she ended up dumping you. That's not about her, that's about your pride.

 

And you do realize that there are types of men who are drawn to BPD women, and if you've done it once, you're at risk of doing it again? You sound like you're addicted to the highs of a relationship with a BPD woman and to the drama. You won't find that with a stable woman, so you need to learn to dissociate drama from true love. They're not the same, they've never been the same, you just have them mixed up in your brain after being with a mixed up woman.

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Sadly there's no magic way to change these negative thinking patterns. (that I know of)

 

It really is as simple as just realizing that what you're thinking is destructive, and not letting it drag you down. You don't just stop having these thoughts overnight. I know that those negative thoughts are comfortable. It's much easier to just have them because they're all we know. You need to fight them, and push them out. Your ex is still living in your head, but hasn't paid the rent. Time to evict her!

 

Right so. We have to fight them. And it's true they are comfortable. I learned something about the so called Thinking – Feeling - Behaving model and see how my negative thoughts are going wrong here.

 

One recent example: I saw my ex a few days ago passing by while I was at work.

 

Immediately I thought: oh man... there's my lost love of my life, the person that I should never even talk to anymore. I knew I'm not over her, but didn't know it was that bad, maybe I should change my job.

 

Then I started (or let myself) feeling depressed and didn't even try to stay focused on my work and dwelt on my misery, until my boss asked me if I was okay, I started crying ffs, got home early, got drunk, etc and thought, man I made a fool of myself. Now I know where I went wrong and I should've changed my thinking immediately.

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....

 

It's a process. Feeling bad by doing what your therapist is asking you to do is a good sign that you're on the right track. You need to confront pain that you've always chosen to run from if you ever want to heal.

 

Thanks a lot, this is giving me the will to carry on writing. Sorry, my English is a bit rusty and I will have to reread your post a few times more until your words are sinking in

 

Facing the pain instead of tucking it away.

 

 

And, in general, it sounds like your ego is hurt moreso than you missing this girl. You describe being upset that you could have dumped her but she ended up dumping you. That's not about her, that's about your pride.

 

And you do realize that there are types of men who are drawn to BPD women, and if you've done it once, you're at risk of doing it again? You sound like you're addicted to the highs of a relationship with a BPD woman and to the drama. You won't find that with a stable woman, so you need to learn to dissociate drama from true love. They're not the same, they've never been the same, you just have them mixed up in your brain after being with a mixed up woman.

 

 

I'm not that sure if I didn't love her or feeling just sorry for her, to be fair. If I would admit if I loved her and she left me it would be an even bigger blow for my "ego". I was completely addicted to her love. It hurts me just looking at the typical BPD symptoms and how much she relates to them. :(

 

I do have a weak spot for damaged women and I have the ability to make them trust me and keeping a good friendship with them, at first. Each time we take a step further it ends up bad. Researching things I think I suffer from the white knight syndrome

 

But of course that's no excuse keep doing what I'm doing

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Its difficult to change negative thinking patterns, when that's all you're writing. You are just engraving it in your mind, which connects to a sad broken piece in your heart. All this equals negetative thoughts, negetative feelings, then you become stuck in a downward spiral.

 

I don't mean to interfere with what your counselor has told you, but from experience, writing with gratitude is the way to break this. Each day and evening, write down the things you're greatful for, be it the delicious food you made, the phone call/catch up with a friend. Keep spilling the gratitude out on paper. I promise you will see a shift. You won't be in panic mode , your body won't go into downword spiral mode. You will feel clearer. Yes, the break up will still heart. But each trigger is a new layer to work through. Not the same as the last. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of you.

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It hurts me just looking at the typical BPD symptoms and how much she relates to them. :(

 

This is part of your codependence and urge to "help" or "heal" her. Now you're familiar with BPD, but you should focus your time on researching men who choose BPD women and how they are able to break the cycle.

 

You've started to look into it, and I'm going to urge you to make it your focus. Getting out of a relationship with a BPD woman leaves you at high risk to fall for another one. You must put conscious effort into preventing this.

 

Her stuff is her stuff, your stuff is your stuff. These are emotional boundaries you must develop, since part of the sick BPD relationship is the push to enmesh and become one, without a clue where she stops and you begin. Enforce that boundary until it becomes second nature.

 

Focus on yourself from now on. Make yourself better in terms of codependence, caretaking, and early recognition of BPD red flags so that you can choose a stable woman for yourself the next time.

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This is part of your codependence and urge to "help" or "heal" her. Now you're familiar with BPD, but you should focus your time on researching men who choose BPD women and how they are able to break the cycle.

 

You've started to look into it, and I'm going to urge you to make it your focus. Getting out of a relationship with a BPD woman leaves you at high risk to fall for another one. You must put conscious effort into preventing this.

 

Her stuff is her stuff, your stuff is your stuff. These are emotional boundaries you must develop, since part of the sick BPD relationship is the push to enmesh and become one, without a clue where she stops and you begin. Enforce that boundary until it becomes second nature.

 

Focus on yourself from now on. Make yourself better in terms of codependence, caretaking, and early recognition of BPD red flags so that you can choose a stable woman for yourself the next time.

 

I don't think we have to worry about me getting into a new relationship soon, but it's surely something I need to work on. I've been reading this pdf file about surving from women like her, it hurts like hell but it had to be done and I don't think I'll read it again soon :sick:.

 

It does give some closure however and I know now that it's not strange to be feeling like this for the last months. She really messed up my mind. I think it's all about confronting the negative automatic thoughts and rumination which are haunting people like myself

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Two definite ways to change negative thinking patterns that are proven to work if you apply yourself: cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy.

 

Both incorporate a Buddhist-Jungian approach of self-actualization, self-observation and monitoring, to the point where you can retrain your brain to stop negative thinking once you identify what triggers the negative thought, how to take the power of fear out of that negative thought, and how to extinguish that negative thought, and then replace it with a realistic thought.

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Jimmyjackson

I would also like some advice on these negative thoughts. I'm 6 months out of a break up myself, I feel good but the past and what happened still haunts me sometimes. It's nights like tonight, its nearly midnight here in the UK and I'm feeling down and lonely.

 

I miss what I had with my ex, I miss her looks, personality etc. I haven't contacted her for about 5 months so the urge isn't there, I just miss it and worry I won't meet anyone else again that I will just "click" with.

 

Obviously the logical side of me knows that there are tons of good looking girls out there with great personalities, just when you miss someone...well you miss them, right?

 

Any thoughts on how to get past these and move on? I feel i'm almost there but something is holding me back.

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I don't think we have to worry about me getting into a new relationship soon, but it's surely something I need to work on. I've been reading this pdf file about surving from women like her, it hurts like hell but it had to be done and I don't think I'll read it again soon :sick:.

 

It does give some closure however and I know now that it's not strange to be feeling like this for the last months. She really messed up my mind. I think it's all about confronting the negative automatic thoughts and rumination which are haunting people like myself

 

Sounds great. You're on the way out of this.

 

When you are eventually ready to date, do thorough research on early warning signs of a woman with BPD and run like hell if you find any.

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Sounds great. You're on the way out of this.

 

When you are eventually ready to date, do thorough research on early warning signs of a woman with BPD and run like hell if you find any.

 

Yeah, I never met someone like her.

 

She got pregnant from her only child at young age and her boyfriend left her. Her daughter has gone through all her sh*t and her mother's promiscuous lifestyle, watching her being abused, stalked, etc.

 

In these years she has been sleeping around with many, many men. Sometimes she didn't even know with who she was. She easily dumped them when she had enough of them. Having tons of men's numbers in her phone and how they just wouldn't leave her alone, she told me with some pride. She has three sisters and they all have their own issues with men.

 

A few years ago her mother died which struck her hard, in that time something happened (she never told me the reason) leading her being abandoned by most of her family, including her dad. Her daughter has moved out, became a mother herself.

 

All she lives for is her daughter who lives nearby. Spends most of her days alone, often blowing and drinking, hiding from reality. Sometimes one of her exes show up at her door, when she's wasted enough she has sex with them. She said to me she's tired of her wild lifestyle.

 

Then I came in the picture. She trusted me as a friend and was always nice to me, we chatted endlessly, she said I was her soul mate she was looking for. I saw her bright side. After years of friendship we became lovers and I said I would treat her different than all the other guys and she was real good for me the first weeks. God, I loved her.

 

I discovered that she was depressed and frustrated and it turned out that I couldn't be her savior. She started to play a push and pull game on me. I've put up with it, because I knew who I was dealing with, hoping it would just take some time. But she couldn't change.

 

Six months later we split up. I couldn't handle the stress anymore and she was sorry for not feeling the same for me and the pain that she caused me. She wanted to break up with me before we would be too much involved. She said I was suffocating her with my love and felt sorry for having an relationship with me, otherwise we would probably still be friends.

 

It's so hard for me moving on. I haven't spoken her in weeks, the silence is killing me. I hope she's doing fine, but I doubt it. I never felt so much for anyone and it feels so wrong being out of her life.

Edited by Stuck74
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