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Ever had a huge crush on someone and it turns out they're a huge disappointment?

Swan89

By Swan89
in Coping

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Swan89 Established Member

Swan89

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The girl I was dating for four months was the most sexy, stunning and striking looking girl I've ever seen. We had a mutual strong lust. It turned out when I met her, she was very blunt and cold, she is like this to everyone because she was sexually abused as a kid by a family member. None the less, this trait of hers always made me doubt myself and my self esteem suffered for it. I really value kindness, openness positive attitude and I'm very sensitive.

 

It hurt that she never smiled when we met up or seemed pleased to see me. She is so hard to read and she admits she can't be read. She said she takes about a month or two to open up but I apparently set her back because early on in the relationship, I was still bung up on an ex gf and I agreed to meet her to hear her out, which I admit is a terrible thing to happen in a new relationship. We seemed to move past it though because I cancelled on my ex at the time.

 

We didn't have much in common but we did have things to talk about. She is very negative and is cold to people. She never made an effort with my friends or my mother to chat and she dismissed my friends as '*******s', which I found disrespectful. I never felt completely at ease around her, I felt almost judged like I was inferior to her. I think this may be because she is a bit condescending. She wasn't all bad though because I wouldn't have been with her otherwise. She was honest, fair, hard working and loyal, even generous at times.

 

She complained that I was dramatic and childish. I don't know why but I was so insecure that I got angry over small things and took it out on her. I was thoughtful and loving in the beginning but as time went by I found myself feeling more agitated to the point where I pushed her away whenever we had a misunderstanding (happened a lot).

 

Me pushing her away and giving her the silent treatment was the final straw, I really hurt her by that but I took her some cookies and flowers to her house and apologised for being a brat. After that she stopped any intimacy with me and needed space, she was 'put off'. This made me panic and I became a bit clingy. I called her up after she didn't reply to my text when she was on a night out and insisted that she wouldn't text me because its anti social but I find that hard to believe because she is on her phone quite a lot in general, I think it was an excuse perhaps. But this phone call led to a big argument and she stormed off.

 

For about another week she said she wasn't sure what she wanted but decided to take things slow, so we did. She wanted things to work out. I met up with her about once or twice a week and each time it was just damn awkward. She expected me to do all the hard work of fixing things by myself. I tried my best to make conversation and be affectionate but the tension felt immense because she gave me NO affection at all. She said that I was being awkward and that I never stopped going on about the problem. She wanted to act as though nothing had happened, but I sensed the barriers were up.

 

She reclaimed her belongings from my house and hugged my goodbye. After that I explained my actions to her via Facebook and she said I was just pissing her off even more and that she wanted nothing to do with me any more, she has lost interest. We work in the same building but different departments so I occasionally see her and it hurts because I'm still very attracted to her and keep thinking about my mistakes and what I've lost. She gave me an ice cold stare yesterday and doesn't even speak to me now. I really thought that our relationship could have been fixed if we agreed to try and communicate a lot more efficiently.

 

She is so bitchy now. Do you think I could possibly re-kindle her interest? I really want to change my bad habits. Why would she be so hateful towards me all of a sudden??

Raena Established Member

Raena

Posted
Posted

You've described her as being cold-hearted, callous and closed off. You aren't going to change that about her. It's part of who she is. If that's the case, do you really want to be with someone who can't give you what you need?

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Swan89 Established Member

Swan89

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Posted

I guess I was hoping that in time, she'd let her walls come down, but I apparently never gave her the chance for that to happen. Maybe I'm just emotionally immature.

SerCay Established Member

SerCay

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I'm sorry but you set this relationship up to fail when you decided to meet your ex-girlfriend. Done deal. When things like this happen at the start of a relationship, when you're supposed to be having only eyes for your new gf, things never clear up again.

stillfiguringitallou Established Member

stillfiguringitallou

Posted
Posted

I think YOU are validating her behavior.

 

Speaking from someone who suffered from sexual abuse as a child - and other forms of abuse as well. While it does make you more guarded - it doesn't make you cold and callous to everyone you meet.

 

I am a blunt person - I WILL call you on your bull**** and inconsistencies - and - I expect to be called on my own as well. I WILL be that ******* who will not allow you to take me to task if you are not willing to sweep your own doorstep. But you can ask any of the close friends I've kept over the years - I am the sweetest, kindest person you will ever meet.

 

Now the question is - are you rationalizing her behavior because it directly effected you and you don't want to face your own issues and so you hyper focused on hers? (my ex liked to do this and then call me childish when I did the same - it made our interactions a BLAST - lemme tell ya)

 

Or - are you chasing her because you need to be the "better person" in your relationships. You've admitted you have issues - ya know what man - we all do. No one can fix you but you. Stop looking to other people to heal your wounds - all you do is end up sharing them.

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

These aren't her walls. It's who she really is, someone who thinks to be above everyone else without any empathy or sympathy for anyone.

Be glad you're rid of her, it would never end well and I hope her future BF will see that too.

Rig88

Rig88

Posted
Posted

I recall commenting on one of your previous threads about this , I've been in a virtually uncanny situation myself not so long ago so I wholeheartedly sympathise with your struggle.

The key thing to remember is that you should never sacrifice what you want and value in a person and relationship for attraction.

I was with a similar sounding woman for just over 7 months. I was so infatuated with the way that she looked that I chose to overlook what a toxic person she was and the negative impact she was having on my life and self esteem. My friends and family despised her and I became isolated in a world that revolved around making her happy. I constantly felt like I needed validation from her. She gave me no support or emotional fulfilment.

It's clear that you had your doubts from the start , hence the temptation to meet your ex. A relationship that's built on lust is great at first but ultimately , Ive learned that unless you can fall in love with someone's personality too , that's all it will ever be. It doesn't matter how much you try and change yourself to try and be more compatible with her , her personality isn't going to change. She may always be your ideal looks wise but that doesn't mean that she's going to be the right person for you in the end. I don't see you achieving any long term happiness out of this pursuit , just like I didn't. Beauty really is only skin deep it's only when you realise this , that you increase your chances of finding a soul mate. Good Luck!

amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

Posted
Posted

You have to be a really special person to be able to deal with someone who was sexually assaulted as a child.

 

Really special people don't meet up with their exes when they're in a relationship.

 

Leave her alone.

dclan Established Member

dclan

Posted
Posted (edited)

The answer is simple: She was a "crush" :rolleyes:

 

1) The problem with crushes, is that, waaay before you actually date them, you tend to fantasise about them a lot, and usually in a good way. For example, you might think things like:

 

"Oh...if we were dating, he/she would probably be the most awsome bf/gf ever! I bet he/she is a great partner, and we will probably have lots of fun".

 

But then you actually date them...and they won't be 100% as you imagined them (they usually are only 50% of what you expected).

 

They might be a bit cold, distant, etc.

 

The real problem is that you've been thinking for too long that they were a complete different person, than what they actually are. And now you are dissapointed with the "true" person infront of you

 

In other words, you expected a prince/princess, but it turned out to be a frog (in terms of personality, of course).

 

Its called over-expectation, it happens often :o.

 

2) All the things you did, were bad, mean, selfish and wrong. But by reading your story, its clear you were unsatisfied with your new relationship. The problem is, I think, that since u waited for soooo long for this girl, you sort of want to make it work.

 

I mean, for how long did u like her? Its obvious that despite you hating some aspects of her personality, you will care for her, and try to be with her.

 

But maybe, just maybe, you are chasing after the girl in your dreams, not your actual dream girl ;)

 

------------------------------- o o o!!!

 

The truth is, I think, that you like her and dislike her...!!

 

You like who you thought she was. And you want to be with her.

 

You dislike who she actually is. And don't want to be with her.

 

...(as a Gf at least, you could always remain friends)....

Edited by dclan
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SomeHeart Member

SomeHeart

Posted
Posted

The bitchy and hateful behaviour is exactly what I'd expect from someone who's cold and unfeeling. You're not going to get the compassion or second chances from someone like you've described here. It's easy for people of that nature to walk away and cut you off without a second thought so don't hope for anything different because it's a waste of your time. If you didn't find her warm and caring during your relationship then she's certainly not going to be now that you've split.

 

Instead of subjecting yourself to more misery take the lessons you've learned here and put them into practice for your next relationship.

 

For future reference :

 

Always be cautious of people who make no effort with your friends and family as it usually indicates that they're not in it for the long term and aren't concerned about making you happy.

 

Be aware of narcissists and sociopaths. (They come in female form too)

 

 

 

It's a crush. Failed crushes tend to dent the ego , not break the heart. You'll survive.

Rar0 Established Member

Rar0

Posted
Posted

No, not a huge disappointment

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

i was raped at five and have had multiple sexual assaults...long story...i dont believe i am ever cold instead of internalizing pain i turn it out in helping others because of that i feel others pain.......or have compassion......for hurt people ...they find me i find them....i find it very hard to stay angry at anyone....even fi it is anger it is more likely because they hurt me...i think normal people get angry when they get hurt my anger is usually my crying hurt and by myself.and i get over it quickly......i mostly bounce.....

 

 

i have had crushes i have never been disappointed and i trust my own heart...i crushed on a boy who white knighted me from being beaten when i was very young....he knew because others had told him he would always smile at me, we worked together after school he would always talk to me, he was a good guy and he often used to get cheeky with me because he knew i liked him .....he would tease me........i never made a move.....massive crush and i treated him with respect over many years of knowing him. ....i adored my grandfather and his coffee brown eyes that looked at me with such love(no lust involved or sexual it was innocent so please dont twist it. he means the world to me and rip both grandpas .... im doing fine.........)

 

 

 

my first ever dj boyfriend who was warned off because i was young by my parents..........and he was 21...never got pissed at him even when he broke it off after threats from my parents ...he never admitted they threatened him......he was kind and remained a friend.......

 

 

and now....i know i dont get disappointed in crushes..i might get confused and go nah no way i journal that i dont say it.........because my heart knows good guys...i crush on good guys....bad guys are often first to ask me out....vulnerability and me .......and i agree because i give guys a chance....if i get rejected ro ridiculed i would get hurt extremely hurt......and i would lash out.....but that fades again rather quickly..i journal a lot.get negativity out of me i want nothing to do with it.....when i feel for someone i truly feel for them.i am friends with my exes and i was friends with them before ......

 

 

it doesnt come back to her child hood it comes out to who she is now....not her past....she made you part of that past as well.....and being angry at you wont help her heal ........leave her if she contacts you and wants to talk....i believe she does need counselling...and by the sounds of it it needs to be mutual....i wish you all the best....deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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