Resentful to ex fiancee after leaving him over 3 years ago

[tinagrah]

My ex fiancee and I were engaged for 10 years. I really tried with him. One day he found an email on my laptop from another guy that I was flirting with. I dumped him and moved on with my life after that time. When I dumped him he lost it, said he loved me...cried, said he couldn't live with out me..he went crazy...crying to ex neighbor (She actually called me saying she couldn't deal with this)

 

I got curious and checked out his facebook page. All I can say is ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! He lost a ton of weight, he got an apartment in manhattan, his picture page shows him drinking a beer, he NEVER drank when he was with me...and he hated bars. He lives in my old neighborhood where I went to college, how did he do that when his credit was shot!?!?!? I used to go to every movie with him that he wanted to go to, and every now and then I'd bug him to go to a concert with me and he never did because he didn't like concerts and I go on his page and see he is a big billy joel fan now!?!? I've loved Billy since I was 8 years old. Subconsciously he must be doing this to piss me off.

 

I inquired with a couple of people that still talk to him and they say he is not the same person anymore. He's much more outgoing, funny and laid back than he used to be apparently. He's seeing women left and right, living the life I lived in college but he's in his mid 40s. He was very rigid, I used to hang out at my brothers house but he would never go saying the smell of pot gave him a headache...pathetic huh?

 

I guess my resentment is why wasn't he like this when he was with me? I pushed and pushed and pushed for over a decade and he just worked and played video games. My current guy proposed to me a few months ago, I accepted and I can not stop thinking about my ex fiancee. Combined with his current outlook on life and the reasons I fell in love with him even before that I'm having second thoughts. I find myself almost daily unblocking him from my facebook page so I can see what is going on in his life, I feel like I'm missing out. I'm with a wonderful man now and I thought it would pass, but it's been over 2 weeks since I looked him up.

 

I can not stop thinking about him, he was half the man I wanted 10 years ago, now he's become all of it.

 

I want to forget about him, or call him...or something...It keeps me up at night. Thanks for letting me spew.

[TaraMaiden]

GIGS gone wrong, eh?

 

So?

He moved on.

 

I hate to say it, but - good for him.

 

Did you actually believe he would mourn your loss for ever?

 

You resent what he has become and feel you've been tricked... sadly, there's no going back.

You need to quit checking up on him, and work on building a better life for yourself.

 

precisely as he has done, in fact.

[tinagrah]

Since seeing him I can't get him out of my head, I wish I could but it's driving me nuts. I'm a 38 year old woman and I'm feeling like this, I tried giving it a couple of weeks but i can not stop thinking about him.

[pickflicker]

He changed his life after he got dumped. He's not the first, he won't be the last.

[Zahara]

I want to forget about him, or call him...or something...It keeps me up at night. Thanks for letting me spew.

 

When you were unhappy with your ex, you flirted with another guy and dumped your ex.

 

Now you want to call your ex even when YOU HAVE a great boyfriend.

 

Can't win, eh?

[TaraMaiden]

Since seeing him I can't get him out of my head, I wish I could but it's driving me nuts. I'm a 38 year old woman and I'm feeling like this, I tried giving it a couple of weeks but i can not stop thinking about him.

 

That's because you have no will-power.

Quit unblocking him.

 

Ask your current BF to put a keylogger on your computer, and a different password on FB.

That should do it.

Take drastic action, because as a 38-year-old woman, honey, you really should know better.

 

as your post implies.

[FortunateSon]

In my experience, I was in a long term relationship/engagement with someone who was insecure and controlling. When we initially broke up, I was devastated and desperately tried to get her back. I eventually moved on and have been happier without her. I find myself doing the things I want and being the person I wanted to be but couldn't because of the unhealthy dynamic she brought to the relationship. I have cut contact with her as I feel she has no right to be in my life anymore, but I believe if she saw me now, she would be very frustrated to see that the person I am now is what she wanted all along with the other good things we had before. She never allowed me to be that person.

 

I am not saying any of this is your fault, I don't know what your overall relationship dynamic was, but maybe the dynamic wasn't right for him. It sounds like he blossomed without you.

[TylerDurdenn]

Good for him. Leave him alone please.

[flightplan]

To all lovershackers out there... I give you exhibit A: A life well lived is the best revenge.

[EuTuBrute]

Karma *itch

[Imajerk17]

THIS is how you get a woman wanting you back--what this fella did. Somedude81 are you taking notes??

[Woggle]

First off leave your current guy because if you are still obsessing over your ex then you are not ready for marriage. It is unfair to him.

 

Second of all it seems very unfair to expect him to stay mourning and crying over you forever. He has the right to move on and live his life. Would you rather he just stay depressed over it? Let him be.

[Woggle]

THIS is how you get a woman wanting you back--what this fella did. Somedude81 are you taking notes??

 

Yeah man. I want to meet this guy so I can buy him a drink.

[tinagrah]

This isn't some guy who just dated, we were together for over 10 years. we lived together, it was just the last year (2009-2010) he just fell into some type of depression and it was taking it's toll on me. I don't know if I made a bad decision or not, but I'm terrified of always thinking "what if."

 

This is also a guy who never drank before now i hear he hits the bar several times a week, so while it did hurt seeing him with another girl, (I dont think they are together anymore) i worry he rushed into drinking.

 

I used to be the party person and he was so conservative, worked, came home, played video games on weekends all night instead of sleeping with me...he's new to this life and I do worry he may make some bad decisions out of exploring "living life to the fullest."

 

Am I jealous? Yes. I wanted these things with him soooo badly. I told him and showed him on more than one occassion.

[notthathard]

This guy is truly inspiring to all dumpees, thanks for posting tinagrah.

[Riou]

This isn't some guy who just dated, we were together for over 10 years. we lived together, it was just the last year (2009-2010) he just fell into some type of depression and it was taking it's toll on me. I don't know if I made a bad decision or not, but I'm terrified of always thinking "what if."

 

This is also a guy who never drank before now i hear he hits the bar several times a week, so while it did hurt seeing him with another girl, (I dont think they are together anymore) i worry he rushed into drinking.

 

I used to be the party person and he was so conservative, worked, came home, played video games on weekends all night instead of sleeping with me...he's new to this life and I do worry he may make some bad decisions out of exploring "living life to the fullest."

 

Am I jealous? Yes. I wanted these things with him soooo badly. I told him and showed him on more than one occassion.

 

After being together for 10 years you left him while he gets "some type of depression". I am sure he felt those 10 years with you were wasted. You don't worry about him making bad decisions,you just feel jealous and afraid because he is leaving you behind.I have seen 16 year olds more mature than this and what's your age again?

[radiodarcy]

Being dumped cam be a life-changing experience for some people. I remember when I was dumped, I started gravitating towards doing some of the things my ex wanted me to do, but I had always resisted: I started a new workout, became more social (I've always been very introverted), and became more organized.

 

I didn't do any of those things out of spite. It's just that he had been so much a part of my life during the 5 years (three of which we were just friends) I knew him, that I couldn't help but internalize a lot of his suggestions.

 

Some to his suggestions, I genuinely liked and kept, others I discarded because they just weren't for me. Overtime I learned to merge the things he wanted me to change and the things about myself that I wanted to keep (but he wanted me to get rid of - - like my interest in politics and books and old movies)

 

Eventually I became a new version of me: one that incorporated that time with him (because it's become such a part of me), but at the same time allowed me to embrace core parts of myself that I had cut out in order to make him happy.

 

It sounds like your ex is on that path as well. He's accepted his life without you, but at the same time has incorporated his time with you into becoming a new person. Which ironically probably wouldn't have happened had you not dumped him. But that doesn't mean you don't have a life of your own to live and a fiancé you love. Focus on that and don't allow those what ifs to cause you to lose someone special a second time around.

Edited February 19, 2014 by radiodarcy

[StringsAttached]

That man is my inspiration. Wish I could meet him one day.

[Zahara]

You're not thinking about what if. You're just feeling entitled and bitter that he's thriving. You claim some sort of significance that you invested 10 years together but the moment he hit a hard spot you were flirting with another man and soon dumped him. If you checked his FB and found the same old guy, you'd thank your lucky stars you're with your current boyfriend. Now that he's looking great, living in Manhattan, having a great life, you feel entitled. If you really love your boyfriend, your life with him would be gratifying and enough for you. Now you know it isn't.

 

You're selfish. You want it all. When you had him you dumped him because he made you unhappy. Now you have a great boyfriend but you aren't happy because you're bitter about someone else's life. And even if you're thinking about what if, it's too late. You had your chance but you chose to leave.

 

You're doing a disservice to your boyfriend. If you're not really into him, let him go. And leave your ex alone. Sort yourself out.

[Tripz]

this is exactly the scenario I'm hoping to achieve. I want my ex to KNOW she made a grievous error having an affair and ending our marriage. I want the exact same reaction as the OP. I want my ex-wife to regret every poor decision and watch me happy, successful and in love with someone else, living the life WE were supposed to have together.

[RespectfullyAlone]

tinagrah has to be a person trolling here, surely!?

 

If not, wow. Thank you for sharing your mindset with us. You sound like an utterly horrible, heartless person.

 

You dumped your ex when he found out you were flirting with someone else...

 

You then tried to defend that action by saying he was suffering some form of depression...

 

He pleaded and begged for you to stay like any committed person who was in love or had strong feelings for someone... and you made fun of that, even dragging in an neighbour's response as though him doing that was pathetic in some way...

 

You seemed shocked he picked himself, got fit, got an apartment, went out and met other people...

 

How does his bad credit have anything to do with things? Did you like it when he had bad credit? Did that mean you could control him more maybe, step on him when you felt he was getting too far out of your tentacles?

 

You are concerned for him because he's drinking? No one here bought that line you tried to sell.

 

You blew it, and the only winner here is him. You showed your true colours. He probably went through hell until his life started to turn around again.

 

And you have a fiance! Wow, he must be so happy. Another persons life you are going to potentially crush.

 

You deserve nothing. You deserve to be alone for a considerable amount of time. Leave your ex alone. But I have a very strong feeling even if you tried to contact him, he'd wouldn't respond, or would tell you to F'off.

 

Maybe you can become a better person yourself knowing all of this has transpired, but I think you'll just go on messing up peoples lives. You seem extremely selfish, arrogant and basically in another world entirely from common sense and decency.

[JDPT]

He has to fend for himself and make changes for the better, nothing wrong with that. And you can't be upset at him for improving himself.

[Never Again]

I'll add in that your "investment" of 10 years only means something to you now because that's the kind if man you wanted him to be. It didn't mean much back when he was going through a rough spot.

 

You may have shown your ex what you wanted, but people in a depression have a hard time functioning and pursuing even what makes them happy. If he was really going through "some sort of depression", he needed you to be HONEST not KIND. He didn't need to know what you wanted...he needed to know he was hurting you and that he needed to sort himself out.

 

A breakup is the kind of trauma that shakes people and gets then to change. It shakes foundations and puts things into perspective.

 

If your story is anything like countless others I've read on this site, I bet you never told your ex that his behavior was hurting you or that his demeanor had changed. You likely silently suffered and pouted that he didn't pick up in your hints of what you wanted to do. You saw that he was in a funk, but because you didn't want to "rock the boat", you enabled his bad behavior by never calling him on it. You were a doormat and resented it, and chose to leave because you hit a breaking point...without ever really sitting your boyfriend down and telling him that he was doing you wrong. And now you're doubting that decision?

[RespectfullyAlone]

Pfenixphire, I think you're giving the OP too much credit. I tend to this the scenario you posted about is not what happened with the OP. In fact I'd be surprised if the ex did anything wrong at all, or really was going through a depression. For all we know, the "depression" was as a result of the OP treating this guy badly. And from her descriptions, we can see she hasn't acted all honorably or nice.

[Never Again]

Pfenixphire, I think you're giving the OP too much credit. I tend to this the scenario you posted about is not what happened with the OP. In fact I'd be surprised if the ex did anything wrong at all, or really was going through a depression. For all we know, the "depression" was as a result of the OP treating this guy badly. And from her descriptions, we can see she hasn't acted all honorably or nice.

 

It's possible.

 

However, I've seen the same story over and over on these boards and have even lived it myself. It tends to have the same major plot points:

 

- The dumpee is goes through a rough time, and their behavior changes as they struggle with it.

 

-The dumper avoids talking about how they don't find the new behavior attractive because they want to avoid conflict.

 

- The dumper effectively becomes a doormat for the dumpee's emotional turmoil and begins to become bored, lonely and resentful.

 

- The dumpee continues along their negative path because their behavior is being enabled.

 

- The dumper's negative feelings continue to grow, slowly overshadowing any love/attraction they may have once felt.

 

- The dumper begins to wonder if they'd be better off leaving the relationship, and instead of communicating their discontents, they allow that seed of doubt to grow.

 

- The dumper leaves. The dumpee feels completely blindsided because they were in too much of a personal rut to see the signs.

 

- The breakup communicates very clearly to the dumpee that something was wrong (something the dumper should've been doing the whole time), and they genuinely want to make the necessary changes.

 

- The dumper was already emotionally checked out, so this all comes off as needy/desperate and "too little, too late".

 

- The dumpee, who was already in an emotionally fragile place, hits rock bottom briefly, but (if they work at it) begin to make changes in themselves anyway.

 

- Possible Epilogue: The dumper matures looks back and gets pissy.