The Worst Hurt Yet

[lakerman34]

I came here to cope with my ex, and it helped a lot.

 

I've been after this girl for 14 months. There are A LOT of threads I made of her on here. It was very "up and down." 2 months in "the chase," she was on top of me, naked. I denied sex to her (I could tell another guy she still liked, and I felt like I was being used).

 

Fast forward about a month, I got a "I don't want a relationship with you" notice.

 

Fast forward 5 months, we start talking again, and we hang out twice. Right before we are supposed to go to a haunted house together, she friendzones me. Hard. So, I message her telling her that I won't be taking her, I like her, and whenever I'm with her I can only see her in a romantic light. She appreciates the honesty, I need space, we don't talk for about a month.

 

She starts talking to ME a month later. I'm very short with her, she sends me LONG messages. We grow closer and closer.

 

She goes to Costa Rica for a month. During her stay in Costa Rica, she messages me things like, "THE PEOPLE HERE LOOK SO MUCH LIKE YOU" and "OH MY GOD YOU WOULD LOVE IT HERE."

 

We start talking about traveling together. She's VERY excited about this prospect.

 

We set up a date. I called it a date AT LEAST 3 times. We had dinner at a restaurant last Wednesday. It was LOVELY. Lots of laughing, joking, and just acting ourselves. There was no "putting on," it was just very natural.

 

I'm a very intuitive guy, and I usually can tell when a first date went horribly wrong or if it went well by the end of the night. This was the best first date I've ever had. There was no physical touch, but I felt as if I was on a date with my other half. She understands me. She knows depths of my soul that no one else in this world has seen. We know each others brains. We are genuinely interested in each others inner workings. It's perfect.

 

I asked her out on a second date this morning. All day I was waiting for her to respond. Then, I got this bombshell: "maybe. I have to ask though, what are your intentions?"

 

I was honest. She declined the invitation. "I like you as a really close friend, I enjoy your company, I genuinely love talking to you. I hate being cliche, but I'm being honest. I just never felt a romantic connection with you. I'm sorry."

 

We had an hour's long conversation. It got really profound. The thing that bothers me is, she told me "you always say the nicest things to me that anyone has ever said, and then you outdo yourself." Then, when we talk philosophically, we find out that we have the SAME EXACT world views, religious views, values, morals, ambitions. Today, I told her how I wanted to live a simple life. Own a coffee shop with a woman that loves me deeply and whatever money we make we travel the world. She tells me that she had the SAME EXACT conversation with her BEST FRIEND last night and feels the SAME EXACT WAY.

 

I swear, anyone who looks at us both would think we were PERFECT for each other. But, she still says she never felt any romantic compatibility with me.

 

My response: "We hung out only 4 times. FOUR TIMES. I can't say you're wrong, but I don't think you're right. Because of that one time (night we almost had sex), the romantic chance went out the window. I feel as if it could be revived, because I feel so strongly that there is so much potential here. But you don't see it."

 

Then she said something else that was in COMPLETE agreement with something I said, and I told her "when you say things like that, it does this to me:" [picture of confused puppy]

 

I told her that she was, in a way, doing me a favor because now I know. She understood what I meant.

 

That was the end of the conversation.

 

I STRONGLY feel as if she made a HUGE mistake, and she's going to be VERY hard to get over. It makes it a little bit easier thinking that the Universe put me (and her) through this for a reason. There is a reason why she and I had this "on and off" for 14 months. I really STRONGLY believe that we are one of each others "The Ones," but because she wouldn't let it play out, we may never see it again.

 

I've dated quite a few girls, but none anywhere CLOSE to this one. Even my ex, I would tell people, "yeah I love her, she is cool," but this one had something else to her. She was just so much different. So unique. Being around her was like music playing. I can't describe it. As if she was put here for ME. It's just, she didn't feel the same way about me, I guess.

 

She's 21. I feel as if she is making a 21 year old girl decision who isn't exactly the Feelings/Emotional type decision about our relationship. She once researched "love," and was distraught when I told her "love is an irrational thing. Once you rationalize it, it no longer is love." She is confused about it. I feel STRONGLY that she and I could have been something, but she threw the possibility away out of "no romantic connection" based off of 2 hangouts, 1 drunk night of almost sex, and a date (which, she now says, she was unaware was a date).

 

I'm an emotional mess. I'm not a crier, and I've let out a BIG cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to go get stoned with my best friends who are tired of hearing about her. She sent me a link to the Costa Rica thing she did and said, "I think you should do it. Just for a month. You'll come back and you'll be a whole new person. Just look into it."

 

I tried therapeutic things that worked with my ex. I can't think of many things that I hated about this girl. Everything I wrote down that I "hate" was really a quirk that I loved about her.

[flightplan]

Listen man, you gotta snap out of it. She may be the greatest and all, but you're setting yourself up for failure. If she's not feeling it, you gotta believe her when she says it. Let it go because if you try to push this and make something happen, it's going to blow up in your face. The fact that she's 21 and making a "21 year old girl decision", then that's what it is. Accept it and move on or you're going to be in a hurt locker for a very long time.

[Musing]

Man, I'm going to be real with you because I feel like you deserve it.

I've had a few guys do this to me, argue with me that we'd be perfect together and that I've made the wrong choice, and a few of these guy on the outside or on paper were in fact "perfect" for me, with everything in common and the whole 9.

 

But they weren't perfect. Because I felt I had no chemistry with them. And what made me drop them like bad habits was them telling me what I liked and what I wanted and that I was wrong for not picking them. It wreaked of clinginess and obsessiveness and I personally get turned off by guys tell me what I should or shouldn't do.

 

Your post sounds to me like you are infatuated with this girl and she sees you platonicly. A lot of girls do this, not out of malice but I am guess it's a biological response, hence why the term "friend zone" exists.

 

Understand that there is no such thing as "the one" and if there was such a thing, it is not her, because what makes "the one" so special is that both of you are on the same page and things just seem to click, which unfortunately is not what happened here.

 

Tend to yourself and don't talk with her for a bit. It will be painful but the time with soothe things and you'll learn a lot about yourself in the process. One day you will meet a woman who feels for you in a romantic sense that will make you understand why this one didn't work out.

 

For what it is worth my ex and I shared a lot of the same world views, future goals, interests and when he left me it really hurt, I blamed his age (and still do to some extent) but these people are young and can change quite easily. They may have the same views but not the same romantic wants and needs. Let her go and take care of yourself. If you truly admire this girl, respect where she is coming from, no matter how frustrating it seems now.

 

You'll feel better in time. Everything always has a way of working out in the end, I promise.

[lakerman34]

She was very gracious in the "breakup" messaging. I almost wish she'd be nasty, mean, and say something hurtful. Something negative that I can pull away from it all and say, "wow. Thank goodness I'm done with that."

 

She told me that she knew it sounded cliche and all, but she REALLY sees me as a good friend.

 

I told her that I can't be that in her life. I can't be "just a friend." It got to the point we were sending each other long messages. She seemed remorseful, but very adamant that "there is NO romantic chemistry."

 

I still feel like she's making a HUGE mistake. We hung out 4 friggin' times. First time we almost had sex, second time she had a concussion, third time we drove around for 30 minutes, and last time was a date. I've barely been around for her to feel a romantic connection at all. Do girls expect it to be fireworks from day 1?

 

I know the last few guys she felt the romantic connection with. Basing it off their personalities and essences (not their looks), I don't know what it is about them that she felt "romantic connection." All 3 of them lasted about a month each. I have ALL the ingredients for us to last a LONG time if she would just give me a chance.

 

I accept that it's over. In my mind, of course I'm thinking "maybe in the future," but it's over. Which sucks because I really DO like her as a person beyond relationship potential (and I told her this). But, for my own sanity, I have to go NC. She sent me a message at 2:30AM last night (I was with my friends getting high -- only to help me keep my mind off of her), and I only responded this morning "you are absolutely right." I disagreed with everything she said, but I'm just tired. 14 friggin' months.

 

She DID make a mistake. All I'd want is a chance. We had a WONDERFUL date. I think she's kind of pussying out. But, I have to accept it and work on the big bruise left on my heart, turn it to a scar, and eventually get rid of it.

 

I'll be on this website quite a lot for the next couple of weeks/months. It has helped me in the past, I hope it'll help me now.

 

I want to delete my Facebook. I did so with my ex and it helped a lot, but I feel as if it would be a sign of weakness to do it right away.

[clia]

So many people on this site have been telling you for months that this was the inevitable outcome, and yet you wouldn't listen. You kept making excuses, painting the situation with your own brush and ignoring what she was telling you. I'm really sorry you are hurting -- it sucks. But you really should have walked away from all of this months ago. You should think about why you were willing to deal with crumbs from this girl for so long.

 

I swear, anyone who looks at us both would think we were PERFECT for each other. But, she still says she never felt any romantic compatibility with me.

 

This is really all you need to know. She doesn't feel that way about you.

 

I STRONGLY feel as if she made a HUGE mistake, and she's going to be VERY hard to get over. It makes it a little bit easier thinking that the Universe put me (and her) through this for a reason. There is a reason why she and I had this "on and off" for 14 months. I really STRONGLY believe that we are one of each others "The Ones," but because she wouldn't let it play out, we may never see it again.

 

Please don't do this -- you are only going to prolong your hurt. You are not her "one." If you were, she would be dating you. She wouldn't have spent the past 14 months pushing you away.

 

She's 21. I feel as if she is making a 21 year old girl decision who isn't exactly the Feelings/Emotional type decision about our relationship. She once researched "love," and was distraught when I told her "love is an irrational thing. Once you rationalize it, it no longer is love." She is confused about it. I feel STRONGLY that she and I could have been something, but she threw the possibility away out of "no romantic connection" based off of 2 hangouts, 1 drunk night of almost sex, and a date (which, she now says, she was unaware was a date).

 

Again, don't do this. You cannot be something with her because she does not feel that way about you. She is not confused -- she does not have romantic feelings for you.

 

You need to go no contact with this girl. Cut it off. If you don't, you are only going to prolong your emotional heartache.

[lakerman34]

So many people on this site have been telling you for months that this was the inevitable outcome, and yet you wouldn't listen. You kept making excuses, painting the situation with your own brush and ignoring what she was telling you. I'm really sorry you are hurting -- it sucks. But you really should have walked away from all of this months ago. You should think about why you were willing to deal with crumbs from this girl for so long.

 

 

 

This is really all you need to know. She doesn't feel that way about you.

 

 

 

Please don't do this -- you are only going to prolong your hurt. You are not her "one." If you were, she would be dating you. She wouldn't have spent the past 14 months pushing you away.

 

 

 

Again, don't do this. You cannot be something with her because she does not feel that way about you. She is not confused -- she does not have romantic feelings for you.

 

You need to go no contact with this girl. Cut it off. If you don't, you are only going to prolong your emotional heartache.

 

I am in NC. Day 2.

 

Am I not allowed to think she made a mistake though?

 

I'm speaking to a lot of older women about the situation, and I constantly get stories of "when I was 21 there was this guy......and if I weren't so stupid, I would have gone out with him."

 

I'm trying to accept that 21 year olds are confused as hell. Don't know what they want. I used to date a 19 year old, that was hell, but 21 was only slightly better.

 

I think it's best just to remain single until I'm, like, 25.

[Minneloa]

I am in NC. Day 2.

 

Am I not allowed to think she made a mistake though?

 

I'm speaking to a lot of older women about the situation, and I constantly get stories of "when I was 21 there was this guy......and if I weren't so stupid, I would have gone out with him."

 

I'm trying to accept that 21 year olds are confused as hell. Don't know what they want. I used to date a 19 year old, that was hell, but 21 was only slightly better.

 

I think it's best just to remain single until I'm, like, 25.

 

I think you need to respect her feelings. I know it's hurtful, but she isn't interested in a romantic relationship with you. Perhaps later she will look back and view this decision as a mistake, but right now she is acting on what she feels. By saying that she is "confused" and "making a mistake," you are invalidating her experience. Yes, you feel differently, but that doesn't mean that she is wrong or mistaken.

[lakerman34]

I think you need to respect her feelings. I know it's hurtful, but she isn't interested in a romantic relationship with you. Perhaps later she will look back and view this decision as a mistake, but right now she is acting on what she feels. By saying that she is "confused" and "making a mistake," you are invalidating her experience. Yes, you feel differently, but that doesn't mean that she is wrong or mistaken.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't say that to her. What I DID tell her is that we only hung out 4 times, and I'm in no position to say that she's wrong, but I can't say she's right. That's honest. I feel as if I'm entitled to say that. There weren't any "sparks" because we never hung out in an environment when it was just "you, me, no one else and nothing else matters." There was always something. First night was how she made me feel like a piece of meat, second night she had a concussion and wasn't all there, third night was we went for a 30 minute drive, but FINALLY the fourth night we actually had dinner (and we were STILL working against a timeline -- she had a meeting at 8:30, I picked her up at 7:15). And this dinner was nothing short of lovely. I'm certain there is no other guy that she could share a meal with and tell penis jokes to that she knows....no other guys that she can be as honest with as she is me.

 

My friend (45 year old woman) said that chemistry in this situation isn't the fact that she just doesn't feel it -- there is more to it. It's the fact that she's 21 and I'm 23, she has growing up to do, she isn't ready for a real relationship, all she can take right now are guys that treat her like ****. The last 3 guys she got in a "relationship" with were actually pretty nice guys, but they each lasted only about a month. I think that is very telling.

 

I HOPE my friend is right, because that made me feel a lot better, and I only want the truth to make me feel better.

 

How does she pull of her clothes in front of me, kiss me passionately, want me to spend the night with her, and then say she "never felt any romantic compatibility?" She and I have spoken about relationships metaphorically with driving cars before. She told me she hasn't found a guy able to drive her car. I told her "perhaps you aren't giving any of them a chance?" She disagreed with this, but again, I think she's confused (though I never would tell her this -- I'm not a proponent for telling others what to think or how to feel. I just wanted to give her something to ponder over).

[Minneloa]

In her mind, she did not make a mistake. You might disagree, but she is entitled to her own feelings, experiences, and perspective. Continually emphasizing that she is confused/mistaken and rehashing the details of your brief time together looking for evidence to refute her position is counterproductive. It may make you feel better temporarily, but it can also lead to false hope. The plain, unfortunate truth is that she does not want to be with you romantically. That's what matters; anything else is wasted mental energy at this point. The sooner you accept her decision, the sooner you will be able to begin healing emotionally.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting.

 

M.

[stillafool]

 

How does she pull of her clothes in front of me, kiss me passionately, want

me to spend the night with her, and then say she "never felt any romantic

compatibility?"

 

She was just horney at the time. If she did have those feelings for you she wouldn't let you go. Believe people when they tell you something. She is not confused, she is just being honest. Why won't you believe her?

[lakerman34]

She was just horney at the time. If she did have those feelings for you she wouldn't let you go. Believe people when they tell you something. She is not confused, she is just being honest. Why won't you believe her?

 

I do believe her. I think she's confused in a way that comes with being 21. But I can't do anything about her being so young. I really, strongly believe if she was, say, 24, the story would be different.

 

Because all the 'what if's are out of my hand and I have no control over any of it, all I can do is NC and move on.

 

I'm, surprisingly, not an emotional mess, but I'm frustrated and this sucks.

 

I told her in the past that I could never "hang out" with her unless the context was in a date, yet she accompanied me for dinner -- even after I called it a "date" several times.

 

I don't think she knows what she wants -- and that is COMPLETELY normal for someone her age (correct me if I'm wrong, please). But, in my shoes, it REALLY sucks.

 

Like I said, when I was 21 going onto 22, I was dating an 18 year old girl that was going on to 19 (our birthdays were within 2 weeks of each other). A LOT of the stuff that this girl has pulled on me in the last 14 months is the SAME stuff that the 18 year old girl pulled on me (although the 21 year old was on a much smaller scale and she was clearly SO much more mature). I think, the 'chemistry' thing has to do a lot with where we are in life, and how we are in different places (I'm about to get a pretty high-end job at a financial firm while she is still in college and still hasn't even considered what she wants to do and hasn't put an application in anywhere).

 

I think she THINKS she wants a relationship, but really doesn't. I offered her a serious relationship with commitment and a future. I think she THINKS she wants one of those, but I think the reality is that she isn't ready. Doing "what she feels is right" really means finding a guy that she is attracted to, hang out with him a little bit, sleep with him, and ultimately, get tired of him. That is how it has been with her with the last 3 guys. That is NOT what a healthy relationship makes. That is a college girl wanting a college relationship, not the whole "go steady, eventually meet each others parents, travel together, move in together, etc. etc." which comes with a REAL relationship. She tells me she wants all this, but her idea of chemistry, from the way she described it to me, sounds a whole lot like "I want to meet a guy that makes me wet when I think of him because, well, he plays unattainable and doesn't exactly treat me well." College mentality.

 

Am I wrong? Again, thinking like this actually helps me. I like making sense of it all. But if I'm wrong and that isn't the TRUTH, well, I don't want untruths to make me happy.

 

I also should say that I did go NC with this girl before. After about a month NC, she came talking to ME. I kept my responses VERY short, and she would send me novels. Ignoring her caused her to come back to me, and I allowed that to happen. Won't allow that to happen this time. But, again, I feel as if this is the college-age mentality.

Edited February 17, 2014 by lakerman34

[stillafool]

 

No, she wants this:

 

That is a college girl wanting a college relationship, not the whole "go steady,

eventually meet each others parents, travel together, move in together, etc.

etc." which comes with a REAL relationship. She tells me she wants all this,

 

With a guy like this:

but her idea of chemistry, from the way she described it to me, sounds a whole

lot like "I want to meet a guy that makes me wet when I think of him because,

well, he plays unattainable and doesn't exactly treat me well."

 

What were her words exactly? Did she actually say the above or did she say something more like "I want a guy that I feel chemistry with and the thought of him makes my heart pound". That's what I think she wants and while you sound like a wonderful guy she just doesn't get those feelings for you. I think she wants to feel passion and it's not something that can be manufactured, learned, bought or sold. It's either there or it isn't. If you do end up dating her someday she will meet that man and more than likely will cheat on you. Is that what you want? Yes you are wrong to try to make someone feel something for you that isn't there and to tell them how to feel. She is 21 and therefore an adult.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also should say that I did go NC with this girl before. After about a month

NC, she came talking to ME. I kept my responses VERY short, and she would send

me novels. Ignoring her caused her to come back to me, and I allowed that to

happen. Won't allow that to happen this time. But, again, I feel as if this is

the college-age mentality.

 

You said "she came talking to me". Does this mean she came to you and asked you for a relationship followed up with novels begging to be in a relationship with you?

[lakerman34]

 

No, she wants this:

 

 

 

With a guy like this:

 

 

What were her words exactly? Did she actually say the above or did she say something more like "I want a guy that I feel chemistry with and the thought of him makes my heart pound". That's what I think she wants and while you sound like a wonderful guy she just doesn't get those feelings for you. I think she wants to feel passion and it's not something that can be manufactured, learned, bought or sold. It's either there or it isn't. If you do end up dating her someday she will meet that man and more than likely will cheat on you. Is that what you want? Yes you are wrong to try to make someone feel something for you that isn't there and to tell them how to feel. She is 21 and therefore an adult.

 

 

 

 

You said "she came talking to me". Does this mean she came to you and asked you for a relationship followed up with novels begging to be in a relationship with you?

 

Maybe I'm mistaken, but just because she's 21 and "an adult" doesn't mean that she REALLY knows what she wants. Do you remember how you were when you were 21? And I'm not TRYING to make her feel anything for me. I'm just saying that the opportunity for any feelings to arise never came. I'm talking about OPPORTUNITY. If we went on a couple of more dates and nothing happened, then I'd say "you're absolutely right, and I completely agree with you. There is nothing here but a wonderful friendship."

 

I STRONGLY believe that if that OPPORTUNITY was there, she would have felt these "sparks."

 

I actually JUST spoke to a friend of mine (who is also 21) who used to be head over heels for me. Now we are truly "just friends." She told me that she started feeling STRONG feelings for me after hanging out with me a few times -- not right away.

 

This girl and I hung out 4 times in VERY strange circumstances. There was never an OPPORTUNITY for anything to develop. And STILL I probably have gotten further than any other guy in terms of learning about her, her growing comfortable with me, and her being able to tell me things that she hasn't even told her best friends. Also, I doubt she has any guy friends that she's comfortable talking about penises over dinner at a restaurant (we actually had a conversation about penises).

 

The whole "spark" thing was on its way, and she cut it off before it could ever be reached, is what I'm saying.

 

So how about 18 year old girls? Do they know EXACTLY what they want in long-term relationships because they are legally "adults?"

 

I feel, with my lady friends, I really like them. But if they never spoke to me again, I'd be OK with it. I get the feeling that she doesn't like NOT talking to me. That's why after I NC her she always comes back. That's why she said, "if you don't want to talk to me FOR A LITTLE BIT I'll understand it."

 

When my ex and I broke up, it was a CLEAN breakup. We hugged for what felt like 5 minutes, and then left each other. Her words were: "It's going to be hard, but I don't think we should talk to each other ever again. It'll just be easier for the both of us so we can just move on."

 

And yes, she DOES want to feel passion. I can't blame her for that. I want to feel passion too. But I strongly believe that this feeling of "passion" was on its way, but she cut me out before she could reach it. I've felt "passion" for girls before, had sex with them, and then ended up in a relationship based on sex. They don't last.

Edited February 17, 2014 by lakerman34

[clia]

Maybe I'm mistaken, but just because she's 21 and "an adult" doesn't mean that she REALLY knows what she wants.

 

Do you grasp how condescending your viewpoint is? You seem to think that just because she doesn't want you, that she doesn't know what she wants, she's immature, she's wrong, etc. I think she knows exactly what she wants. In fact, her position has been very consistent over the past 14 months that she does not want a relationship with you.

 

Do you remember how you were when you were 21?

 

Yes. I ended a four year relationship when I was 21 and never looked back. I knew exactly what I wanted.

 

I STRONGLY believe that if that OPPORTUNITY was there, she would have felt these "sparks."

 

The opportunity is there. She has had every opportunity to date you and get to know you better over the past fourteen months. And yet...she has not done so. She does not feel the sparks.

 

I actually JUST spoke to a friend of mine (who is also 21) who used to be head over heels for me. Now we are truly "just friends." She told me that she started feeling STRONG feelings for me after hanging out with me a few times -- not right away.

 

Your friend is not this girl. They are two different people.

 

This girl and I hung out 4 times in VERY strange circumstances. There was never an OPPORTUNITY for anything to develop. And STILL I probably have gotten further than any other guy in terms of learning about her, her growing comfortable with me, and her being able to tell me things that she hasn't even told her best friends. Also, I doubt she has any guy friends that she's comfortable talking about penises over dinner at a restaurant (we actually had a conversation about penises).

 

Can you see how you have read way more into your friendship with her than she feels toward you? Just because you feel so strongly about her does not mean she feels the same way about you. She seems to think you are okay, but honestly the fact that you are reading so much into a one hour dinner date is kind of alarming. Are you forgetting that she cancelled the second half of the date (the movie) and scheduled her thesis session immediately after your date. A woman who wants to spend time with a guy does not do that.

 

The whole "spark" thing was on its way, and she cut it off before it could ever be reached, is what I'm saying.

 

Right. She cut it off. She wasn't interested.

 

I feel, with my lady friends, I really like them. But if they never spoke to me again, I'd be OK with it. I get the feeling that she doesn't like NOT talking to me. That's why after I NC her she always comes back. That's why she said, "if you don't want to talk to me FOR A LITTLE BIT I'll understand it."

 

How long are you going to keep riding this carousel? You now know for absolute certain that she does not want a relationship with you. She has again told you flat out. So, are you going to keep being there when she needs an ego boost?

 

I am really sorry that you are so hurt, but you need to snap into reality. Opportunity has been there in spades over the past 14 months, and she still does not want a relationship with you.

[lakerman34]

Do you grasp how condescending your viewpoint is? You seem to think that just because she doesn't want you, that she doesn't know what she wants, she's immature, she's wrong, etc. I think she knows exactly what she wants. In fact, her position has been very consistent over the past 14 months that she does not want a relationship with you.

 

 

 

Yes. I ended a four year relationship when I was 21 and never looked back. I knew exactly what I wanted.

 

 

 

The opportunity is there. She has had every opportunity to date you and get to know you better over the past fourteen months. And yet...she has not done so. She does not feel the sparks.

 

 

 

Your friend is not this girl. They are two different people.

 

 

 

Can you see how you have read way more into your friendship with her than she feels toward you? Just because you feel so strongly about her does not mean she feels the same way about you. She seems to think you are okay, but honestly the fact that you are reading so much into a one hour dinner date is kind of alarming. Are you forgetting that she cancelled the second half of the date (the movie) and scheduled her thesis session immediately after your date. A woman who wants to spend time with a guy does not do that.

 

 

 

Right. She cut it off. She wasn't interested.

 

 

 

How long are you going to keep riding this carousel? You now know for absolute certain that she does not want a relationship with you. She has again told you flat out. So, are you going to keep being there when she needs an ego boost?

 

I am really sorry that you are so hurt, but you need to snap into reality. Opportunity has been there in spades over the past 14 months, and she still does not want a relationship with you.

 

Believe it or not, I actually JUST watched the movie 500 Days of Summer -- one of my breakup movies. That movie speaks to me so much....and this time, more than any other breakup because, well, the character Summer is EXACTLY like this girl. Same personalities (and she even looks eerily like Zooey Deschanel). And my personality is VERY similar to that of Tom's. So, it partially disgusted me watching it b/c I felt for Tom more than I ever have, and it made me feel as this whole "love" thing is way more complicated than it should be.

 

BUT with all that being said, I think I'm starting to get it. I don't think there was chemistry. Yes, there was comfort, and yes I do think she and I are INCREDIBLY compatible in A LOT of ways, perhaps just not romantically. Still, maybe an older version of us would be, but right now, definitely not.

 

And no. I am done with the carousel. I am done being that guy that she'll message sometimes at 3 in the morning because she is in tears about something (be it family life, school life, whatever).

 

The girl is, and probably will always be, one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Unlike my ex, this girl has no enemies because it's impossible not to like her. I've never met a girl that was so charming, so feminine without being too girly, so comfortable, so tough-minded and was a 'bro,' and so goddamn pretty. She was the total package.

 

But she's definitely not the only one. There were things about her that weren't great. I saw potential for her to be the affectionate girl, but it doesn't come naturally to her. I need that affection. She was, perhaps, too spontaneous. I love spontaneity in a girl, but I need a girl with some direction. She was a little narcissistic. I, too, am a bit narcissistic, and would probably be better off with a girl that was a little more humble. And she has a big nose haha but eh, I won't hit her TOO hard for that.

 

There was something that REALLY hit me hard in the film. The character played by Matthew Gray Gubler (Tom's best friend) said that his long-term girlfriend "could probably have a bigger rack and be more into sports" like this 'dream girl' that he imagined. But then he said, "she is better than my dream girl. Because she's real."

 

This girl IS my dream girl. Everything I could possibly want in a girl. But, perhaps, we should stay away from our "dream" girls because we idealize them too much? I'll be the first to tell you that I definitely put her on a pedestal, I saw her above any other woman, BUT the mistake I did NOT make was not see her flaws. I saw her flaws and appreciated her for them, but they made her much more 'human' to me. I think this may be why, perhaps, I'm not overly emotional about this.

 

She is, indeed, confused about life. Even during dinner, I asked her what she planned on doing after college, I got a COMPLETELY different answer than the one I got only about a week previous. She has little direction right now, and that's OK (again, I think you give 21 year olds too much credit). The one thing I realized about myself through this whole ordeal is that I'm not the best 'me' that I can be yet. I can't be prepared for a relationship until I have 'me' figured out. I think she's on the same stage, in that regard. Any relationship she gets into is doomed to have a finish line. I don't want to be in a relationship when I already know there is a finish line. True, I still strongly believe that had she and I been in a relationship, it would have lasted MUCH longer than any other relationship either one of us has been in, but we aren't prepared for such a relationship. Our characters, if you will, still have a LOT of shaping/forming to take place before we reach that point.

 

But still, I have to contend your point that at 21 years old, people are emotionally and mentally mature enough to know EXACTLY what they want in a relationship. That's just pure psychology.

Edited February 17, 2014 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

Can't help but feel I took a LITTLE step back today.

 

It's true what they say -- the mornings are the worst.

 

I woke up today, and I just imagined her being intimate with another guy, laughing with another guy, sitting across from another guy late at night in another country enjoying a meal (something she said she's looking for in a relationship), and I STILL can't stop thinking: "why not me?"

 

Because how well I know her, I know that this guy she's looking for won't come any time soon. I take some solace in that. She'll probably play around a little bit thinking she may have found him, but her mentality of "lets base the relationship off of sex and sparks" will always be for naught. That's what is keeping me sane in this NC thing.

 

With my ex, NC was difficult. I remember, for hours, I'd hold my phone fighting the urge to text her. I wrote her letters and fought the urge to send them to her. This girl, thank goodness, isn't like that. Emotionally, I'm not too attached to her. Physically, she's beautiful, but physical beauty is a dime a dozen.

 

Also, I believe that on "date" night she lied to me. I do think she tried to "escape" the date, and I do believe she was having such a good time that there was a sense of disappointment when I told her "hey, don't you have a meeting to go to?"

 

Part of me thinks back on A LOT of interactions, and I'm fairly certain she did, indeed, like me. She confided in me in ways that she never confided in anybody else. I still do believe she's confused, but I'm doing nothing about it. There is nothing I can do about it. She has to sort through her own emotions and see it for herself. I believe she rejected me from her life out of fear more than anything else. This is her own undoing.

 

All I can do is sit here, shrug my shoulders, and toss her into my past. This time, she's staying there. Unless she has the epiphany that "wait WHOA I haven't spoken to you in SO long and I've realized that, hey, I messed up....there IS something here," even her attempts at reconnecting will be met with non-responses, or even short responses.

 

This girl is so boy stupid, I keep telling myself that even if we did get into a relationship, I wouldn't get the affection that I desire. She wants mental stimulation. I can, and have, offered that, but to her mental stimulation is almost synonymous with romance. I like mentally stimulating conversation, but I also like to hold my girl, kiss her, stare into each others eyes, things that I imagine this girl would squirm to.

 

What kills me the most is she feels nothing. Losing me from her life is so insignificant to her. She'll still go out to the bars tonight with friends, have a good time, she'll still 'live it up' her last semester in college, she'll still have a blast and I won't come to mind at all. Perhaps ever.

 

Getting rid of this girl is for the best. It's just going to take some time.

Edited February 18, 2014 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

So not too long ago, I spoke to someone who actually gave me REALLY valuable insight. She has given me her insight before, and I always thought it was "stupid" and "the old way of thinking."

 

This person was my mom.

 

I've sort of parked in my room the past few days. Not out of depression, but because I'm just confused, and I get a sort of comfort writing on forums, playing music, watching movies, reading books, all that sort of thing.

 

My mom thought my being in my room all day for the past few days was "weird," so I told her what happened. From beginning to end. All 14 months.

 

Her response?

 

"She's confused. I can't blame her, but she's confused. You REALLY should have hung out with her as a friend, never labeled anything, and just sort of played in the background. Date other girls, she may date other guys, but always hang around. Be her friend, but don't get too close. Hang out with her, just the two of you, every once in a while. Keep her as a crush, but look at other women as well. Even if it did work out, you both would have to live around the same area, but from what I understand, she REALLY values your friendship, but like she said, she jerks you around. Stop talking to her. She'll be back, maybe. All of this 'don't be her friend' nonsense is nonsense. Be her friend, but not right now."

 

She told me about how my dad (used to work together in a restaurant -- he a cook and she the waitress) used to talk to her at the counter. He was nice, but she was NEVER attracted to him. She didn't like his accent, and she didn't like how he smelled like food. He always asked her out, and she'd always decline. He'd try to sit down next to her during breaks, she'd move away. But she always thought he was "nice" and "friendly." Then, one day, he appeared sad. It was his Name Day, a big deal in his native Greece. My mom took the bait -- "why are you so said?" He was always so used to celebrating his Name Day, but had no one to celebrate it with. She felt bad, so she went with him. He took her to a nice Greek restaurant. She told me she "never experienced anything like it before." He never laid a finger on her all night. He was a gentleman. When my dad dropped her off, he thanked her for joining him, and RIGHT before she got out of his car, she turned around and kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for the lovely evening. He didn't say anything. That was the very beginning of what would turn into an eventual 28 years (and counting) marriage.

 

I needed to hear this. Not that it gives me "hope" with this girl (even though, I have to admit, it did raise a lot of questions), but it made me feel better for not laying a finger on her during our "date." Maybe I shouldn't have labeled it a "date." Maybe I would have been better of telling her "nah, no intentions, I just enjoy hanging out with you." My mom thinks she's scared. She hates the idea of "dating." She won't say it, but that's the vibe I got from the girl. "It felt too date-y" was what she said about our dinner together. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, but it's not something she needs/wants in her life right now (clearly).

 

I've been stressing over this "chemistry" and "sparks" thing ever since the girl and I had an hour long conversation. I asked my mom if she felt "sparks" and "chemistry" with my dad early on, and her response? "GOD no." She assured me that just 4 "hangouts" with this girl was probably not enough to make her "feel sparks." She said, "most of my friends hung out with 'just a friend,' and after 10 or 20 times of hanging out, something changed. The climate changed."

 

Ah, Mom. I feel a thousand times better.

 

EDIT: How come the words "Help" and "Assistance" are against "community standards" to have in the title of the thread? C'mon, LS.