One of the best statements on love and relationships I have ever read.

[AnyaNova]

So, this was posted on another thread awhile ago by Phenixfire, and I really thought that it was well written, and showed a remarkable depth of understanding of relationships and what makes a healthy one. And it definitely deserves its own thread and discussion.

 

Here is where I begin to become very...um...irritated with the expectations many people have for relationships in general, not just marriage.

 

People get so concerned with how a significant other "makes them feel". Since when did we become responsible for how someone else feels? I take responsibility for my own happiness and expect any girl I'm with to do the same.

 

I harp on this, and have many times on this forum, because it's a huge thorn in my side.

 

Yet another quote that expresses how I feel on the subject:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the "feeling" isn't there?

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don't, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel "in love" all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

 

Expecting to always feel "in love" is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to "just feel it" all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That's an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow - if there truly are no redeeming qualities - I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren't "feeling it" and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

 

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It's bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not...sex *is* an important part of it...just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more "in love", sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won't feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don't feel the connection, it's my responsibility to communicate. If I don't feel the attraction, it's my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

It's not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship - it's being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

 

As least, that's my belief.

[Never Again]

Well, shucks.

 

Now, if only I could successfully apply anything I toss out there in these statements....

 

That'll be the day.

[Mr. Nibbles]

It was a good read except for all the #quot crap.

[xUnknown]

I wish I could forward this to my ex. She mentioned the "butterflies being gone" etc etc...

 

 

However, I recently found out she is EXTREMELY self conscious, where being around me and during sex, she would feel fat. I know this built up resentment and jealousy towards me (since I was getting fit/in shape/in the gym all the time). I feel like this resentment and being near me-making her feel bad- she sees me as "the bad guy" thus not sure if shes in love with me, because I bring a negative impact on her.

 

--sorry, needed to vent a bit there.

 

But I agree 100% with what you stated above. That spark isn't always going to be there. There is SOO much more to love than just "the spark"...I feel like thats what Disney movies did to women...They thing everything is like a movie...I guess it doesn't help my ex was addicted to those Nicolas Sparks books..haha

[AnyaNova]

It was a good read except for all the #quot crap.

 

I know. For some reason on my computer, which has difficulty for some reason, with a lot of the easy formatting things in the reply box (for example, I always have to type out the code for every line break, italics, and bold.

 

I don't know how to have it take quotation marks in a given quote, and not spit out that quote oddness.

 

If anybody could tell me so I could avoid it in the future, that would be great.

[Never Again]

I wish I could forward this to my ex. She mentioned the "butterflies being gone" etc etc...

 

 

However, I recently found out she is EXTREMELY self conscious, where being around me and during sex, she would feel fat. I know this built up resentment and jealousy towards me (since I was getting fit/in shape/in the gym all the time). I feel like this resentment and being near me-making her feel bad- she sees me as "the bad guy" thus not sure if shes in love with me, because I bring a negative impact on her.

 

--sorry, needed to vent a bit there.

 

But I agree 100% with what you stated above. That spark isn't always going to be there. There is SOO much more to love than just "the spark"...I feel like thats what Disney movies did to women...They thing everything is like a movie...I guess it doesn't help my ex was addicted to those Nicolas Sparks books..haha

 

Feel free to vent away - it's how I spewed the post that started this whole thing haha.

 

That being said, I feel that both sexes are guilty of leaving when the "spark" fades. I've seen at least a dozen posts on here from women whose boyfriends/husbands left them for just that reason.

 

I just don't understand it. I get that attraction and excitement is important to relationships...but I never felt like I needed it all the time. I never understood people that made it the centerpiece of their relationship and left if it ebbed for a bit.

 

My expectation for a good relationship is one where it oscillates between best friends and lovers. Sometimes I'm just not going to feel attracted to my partner. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's in a bad mood. Maybe she's stressed or just got a really bad haircut.

 

So the sexual attraction diminished or vanished for a bit...I'll concentrate on being a best friend for awhile. Then we'll do something romantic and the best friend "hey, let's hang out and share everything" might vanish for a bit while we can't keep our hands off each other.

 

I'm fully willing to admit that my perspective on relationships may be flawed and may very well be the reason why none of mine have worked out.

[maturityassets]

I wish I could forward this to my ex. She mentioned the "butterflies being gone" etc etc...

 

 

However, I recently found out she is EXTREMELY self conscious, where being around me and during sex, she would feel fat. I know this built up resentment and jealousy towards me (since I was getting fit/in shape/in the gym all the time). I feel like this resentment and being near me-making her feel bad- she sees me as "the bad guy" thus not sure if shes in love with me, because I bring a negative impact on her.

 

--sorry, needed to vent a bit there.

 

But I agree 100% with what you stated above. That spark isn't always going to be there. There is SOO much more to love than just "the spark"...I feel like thats what Disney movies did to women...They thing everything is like a movie...I guess it doesn't help my ex was addicted to those Nicolas Sparks books..haha

Don't worry for the vent. I've felt the same. My friends and the friends of my ex have told me that she felt down on herself compared to me as well. I was the one at a good university, the one who was fit, the one who every one loved and it might have bothered my ex. But I still felt the need to work on myself, I still was a nervous codependent at times and hid behind the label as the "good" partner as my saftey. Did the butterflies disappear? Yeah. Sexual attraction wasn't as great as it once was. Which is why love is a difficult thing.

 

Where I agree with the OP's quote. I think it's our job to be happy as well. To make things fun, passionate, open and understanding. We also must be a good self as much as we are a good partner. For me being the best self I could be was the more difficult task of the two. It's been easy to hide behind the veil of the good partner and being empathic. But the passion and the desire to have fun and happiness comes from the self. Think it's important to have a good balance and it's important to reflect deeply after a break up to figure it out.

 

Just my thoughts... Thank you OP. Helped me a do a bit of personal reflection as well

Edited November 14, 2013 by maturityassets

[me85]

This was a wonderful read. You, are a true romantic.

[Targetlock]

very good and sound advice.

[Never Again]

This was a wonderful read. You, are a true romantic.

 

Romantic?

 

I mean, maybe I am and just don't realize it.

 

I guess I always categorized romantics as those that idealized the passion/attraction/"spark" from a relationship's beginning - and covertly blamed their nonsense for these odd expectations people have for relationships.

 

I guess I just always thought of myself as realistic.

 

My ideal relationship would be, at its core, based on substance not sizzle.

 

In other words, a best friend. Someone I share an emotional and intellectual intimacy with even when I'm not feeling the physical side of things. Yes, affection/intimacy/sex is important, but so what if I don't feel sexual attraction for my partner a bit? So what if my feelings for my partner have shifted to be more like a "friend"?

 

Feelings are so fickle, and the core of my relationship should be friendship anyways, so why not ensure and love them just the same and take responsibility - as a couple, as a team - to rebuild that passionate attraction?

 

I've said it somewhere else, but I often feel that real and successful long term relationships oscillate between best friends and lovers.

 

I wasn't sexually attracted to my ex for about 4-6 weeks. Various reasons, some on her, some on me, but the romantic feelings simply weren't there. But I couldn't bear to leave her - not because of simple attachment, but rather because, even without "those feelings", I loved her thoroughly.

 

My passion faded into compassion. I began giving her space to complete her own projects and manager her own stress. I supported her whenever I could and I was her biggest supporter. To me, that was the natural course of things.

 

But to her...not so much. When those feelings faded, for whatever reason, she left. She claimed that everything was perfect with the relationship, so she didn't understand why she didn't feel "IT". She left me without even knowing if it was the right thing to do...but trusted that she would "feel" if she had made a mistake. Essentially, I got the "I love you but I'm not *in love* with you" routine.

 

I guess I began to wonder if my take on relationships was all wrong. I always thought that "in love" wasn't a state to remain in, but a series of moments. Special moments that kindle and foster a relationship, but do not define it. I guess I always thought it was supposed to be built on firmer stuff.

[Dumped85]

very good read, and kind of what I thought a relationship should be based on, friendship. I said that to my ex when I was with with her, asked if she was my friend in a playful way. She kinda shut me down and we never spoke about it again. Was a bit over a month before she ended things. And then she said the usual line I love you more like a friend, I don't feel the connection anymore. Wish I found this site during the relationship, would've been so helpful.

[JoelBarish]

This is an exceptional post and I'm thankful to Anya for reposting it. I agree with most of the points made here.

 

However, I do wonder if it is practical. I may well be someone who "loves" in this unconditional love that is not contingent upon the ups and downs of a relationship but maybe that makes me "the exception" and not "the rule". I mean there has to be a reason that those of us who love this way end up on the dumped forum. Are we expecting too much from our partners?

 

Some people expect too much from their partners such as wanting the relationship to "sizzle" and be nothing but excitement and butterflies at all times. Perhaps we who see ourselves in this thread are on the opposite end of the spectrum from "the sizzlers" and both extremes are unrealistic? And just maybe the way to a lasting relationship lies somewhere in the middle...

 

Just food for thought. As I said I tend to agree with this post as it is descriptive of my love style.

[Never Again]

JoelBarish, you bring up a really good point.

 

I think what may be real/healthy might fluctuate somewhere in the middle and be able to handle the wiggle.

 

Personally, I follow the idea that in a long term relationship, a couple will fall in love over and over - but you can't "fall in love again" unless that state ceases to exist for awhile.

 

Maybe there's some sort of baseline you can't fall below?

 

I realize that it's dangerous to project my ideas of love onto anyone else, so this is personal only, but while I love and bond unconditionally, I "fall out of love" pretty rapidly. But that doesn't shake my love and desire to be with them.

 

On some level, I also feel that relationships are unnatural things. Biology verses social conditioning (nature vs nurture). After all, if relationships were natural, instinctive behavior...they wouldn't be so much work.