Have been on auto-destruct lately

[GeneralJennyJenn]

A very long story short but my ex and I dated for over 5 years and it was a very unhealthy relationship in which DV occurred and I finally broke up with him 2.5 years ago.

 

Since we broke up I have dated 2 other guys but it didn't work out. My ex dated one girl (who he cheated on me with near the end of our relationship) and dated another girl since then.

 

Meanwhile the whole time since the breakup he has constantly texted me sometimes every few days other times every few weeks.

Well I did something very dumb and revengeful. My ex used to be good friends with another guy but they stopped being friends a long time ago. His friend and I always got along well and there was chemistry but at the time I was with my ex and always faithful.

 

Well this guy friend came back into my life last fall and I allowed him to move in with me for 6 months (big mistake and I have since kicked him out).

Then my ex as usual texting me and asking to see me but I tell him that I don't think that's a good idea because he has a girlfriend. He replies 'what girlfriend' and came over one night to pick up old mail (that he still has sent to my address and its very annoying to get my mail and see him name every now and then!) and we visited a little and it was nice to catch up.

 

Then he asked to see me last Saturday and I was going through a really bad patch lately with other areas in my life I agreed to let him over. Partly I think I was feeling lonely and remembered when we did date, he was always on my side of things so I kind of wanted to vent the injustices I feel recently and get his support and he did that beautifully and then we ended up having sex. We both enjoyed it, it was passionate and a nice release.

 

Soon afterwards his phone ring and its his girlfriend the one he says he hasn't been with in a LONG time! I immediately questioned about that and he admitted they live together and he is miserable because last year (I remembered him telling me that too) the police were called and apparently his current girlfriend got an order of protection. What's more is the order of protection was modified so they could continue to live together. I was like WTF! I never wanted to be the other woman. I specifically asked him repeatedly if she was still in the picture and he lied to me.

 

Well the next part I am extremely ashamed of but I went CRAZY!

I inboxed his girlfriend through FB and explained what happened. FB has a feature that allows you to know whether or not the message has been read? It was never read and suddenly the account was deactivated (it made me suspicious because I had a sneaking feeling my ex may have accessed her FB page because the moron I am I told him I notified his girlfriend and that I didn't appreciate being lied to).

 

Seeing the FB message was not read just infuriated me even more that I went ahead and and forward the message to her sister! Yes I agree, PSYCHO and just to make sure I put the final nail in the coffin. I texted my ex and told him his former friend lived with me all last spring and summer and that's why I didn't let him around. I know he will be insanely jealous that his friend shared my bed for 6 months and he used to forbid me to talk to this guy when we were still dating. In fact he made me unfriend his friend 3xs during the 5 plus years we dated despite the fact I never cheated on him or hid the friendship but he never wanted me to be friends with ANY guys!

 

Funny I never had feelings for this friend that lived here, chemistry yes but we were never in love nor did we think we were. I used to joke he was my 'fake boyfriend' And I did enjoy the companionship of the fake boyfriend and in a way enacting revenge on my ex.

 

I never in a million years think I would act so crazy and like a guest on the Jerry Springer show. But after all the harm my ex did to me (swindled me out of thousands of dollars, destroyed so much of my personal property, made my life a living hell and then wouldn't leave me along every time I broke up with him) that it all came out during the past few days. I am not normally this insane or revengeful.

 

I just went crazy and I hate myself for it. I hate that I believed my ex when he lied to me, I hate that I allowed his former friend to live with me, I hate that I told his girlfriend and her sister and I hate that he gets to be with someone and I am still struggling. And most of all I hate that he kept in touch with me and somehow I managed to keep a small flame of hope he would be back to me someday.

 

I am doing everything I can not to crawl into bed and fall into a major depression. I don't know why I have acted like this and am immensely ashamed of myself. My ex always did bring the worst out of me but I think I have reached an all time new low

Edited November 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[GeneralJennyJenn]

I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar to me, making a complete a$$ out of him/herself because the ex lied to them? I know 'hell have no fury like a woman scorn' but what in the world made me lose all reason and respect for myself to behave the way that I did? With my 1st ex (and we were together almost 7 years) I never acted that way but I also maintained NC and he did not contact me either so maybe that's why I handled myself better that time. Plus there was no history of DV or other nightmarish problems.

 

I would also like to hear from other people who slept with their exes not knowing their ex was dating or living with someone else and how they reacted to it? Did anyone tell their ex current gf or bf that they cheated on them with you?

[Janni]

My ex dumped me in July. Then wanted me back a month later. So we began hooking up, hanging out and so on. A month into this, basically being back together, I find out he was seeing someone else too. I asked him about it, made him tell me, said he had to dump her, he wouldn't, so I went nc. I never told her. He said she knew, but idk.

I was too hurt to tell her. Now I sometimes think about telling her and I also wanted to tell his mother. But I never did. Just because it isn't my business. And I don't want anything to do with him. Though I understand your reaction completely. The only reason I came to my senses, was that I talked with my parents straight away when I found out and they talked sense into me. Else I'd been all over her and his mother and friends. It's normal. You wanted to start him back. Make her leave him. Just stay nc now. For your own good. He doesn't deserve you anyway. Hope you're doing okay.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

So after feeling so lousy for days now since basically when the whole mess started on Saturday I am slowly picking up the pieces of my dignity. The whole experience has left me emotionally drained and it was a major wake up call that I need to re-evaluate my life and the people I allow in it.

 

I also think that I was confusing missing being in a relationship with being in love with my ex. I don't deny I don't still love him I do, you can't share your life, live together etc and not have some kind of ties that never truly dissolve. Even my 1st ex when I ran into him last spring and he's married with 4 kids, I could see by the things he said that I still mattered to him. At one point when we hugged goodbye, he remarked 'I don't remember you being this tall" and I was so surprised and replied 'Oh that's because I am wearing heels, when we dated I never did. And I can't believe you remembered how tall I am!' and he replied 'well we were together for 7 years!' So I think no matter how good or bad a relationship is with another person that they leave a mark on your heart and it can at times tug at your heart strings.

 

I was reading a little something from Dr. Phil website and he writes. You don't miss the person you used to love, you miss the person you wished they had been! I think that's probably the case for me. And what's worst is I still long for him to change and come back to me but I have to let that go!

 

I do have good news however, he has not contacted me since the other day when he said 'we need to talk' after I told him about his former friend living with me for 6 months. I think that did the trick and I really pray I never hear from my ex again because in the long run I am better off then if he keeps in touch with me.

 

Tonight I plan to drive out of town and visit my family. I think a change of environment will help me get over this miserable slump, allow me time to make an action plan so when I return to work on Monday I have some resources and ideas to prevent future setbacks like this one.

[xpaperxcutx]

All this time all read is what your ex did this or that, but really what do you want?

 

When you're in a 5-year relationship with an abusive partner, several things happened- you lost years of your life, you lost your self-esteem and surely enough, at this point you feel like you lost yourself.

 

Whatever it is you do, you need to go NC. I know it's going to be hard and I swear it will seem like torture but you need to do this for yourself. Time to take care of yourself.

 

Stop thinking about your ex, stop thinking what he's thinking what he's doing, why he did this or that. Those don't matter. You're just giving him control over your life.

 

I recommend you read the Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck. You need to start healing and it needs to start right now.

[Mario79]

Thats a great idea. Find a support system. Talk, talk your feelings out the more you can. You have been giving in to your impulses, I know what that is like, acting on instinct. Expect future setbacks, but looking for help is the first thing you have to do in order to reach peace in your life.

 

Seeing your story as well, you should talk to a therapist, you have your issues, as you said your ex brought them out, but they were always there.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Thank you for those who replied. I am actually seeing a therapist now, but unfortunately not for another 3 weeks! But you bet I intend to examine why I have a hard time letting go of people especially people who are toxic to me. And I need to learn not to be so impulsive when it comes to my heart. I am not like that when it comes to my job, friends or family or this one ex. He seems to push the crazy button in me!

 

Last night as I was packing to go out of town and get out of my head and environment the ex contacted me demanding to know when I slept with his former friend, for how long? And bombarded me with many questions in regards to that. He also mentioned his phone was broken and I suspect through DV with his current gf. I was so surprised that my ex seems more upset and interested about the guy I was with (his former friend who he hasn't talked to in 5 years or more) then about the fact that I told his gf. As a matter of fact he never even mentioned that at all about his gf and cheating on her with me.

 

I first replied that I wasn't going to discuss it because he lied to me but then I just stopped responding. I don't understand it at all and as Xpaperxcut wrote I must implement NC for my own sanity. Thank you for the book suggestion, I will look online for a used copy today.

 

And Mario79, I think that's another reason why I lost my mind the other day is because as you wrote the issues are still there and seeing my ex and how I responded to the whole fiasco made me feel like such a f*ckup that I really fell down into a pit of despair. I wanted to go to therapy for many years but no health insurance, working 3 jobs without benefits made it difficult. Luckily tho I now have health insurance and started seeing my therapist just recently. And I plan to work on myself for the next few months.

 

Xpaperxcut when you wrote 'surely you feel like you lost yourself' That's the part that really gets to me is that for the past 2.5 years I have been so much happier and reclaimed who I was before the ex came along but it feels like last weekend undid all of that and that's why I am still so upset. Its hard to recover from chronic DV and I am glad this experience served as a wake up call. To re-examine the people I allow in my life and to examine my issues. I am blessed with a wonderful family and friends who have offered unwavering support, I am very lucky. But no matter how much support a person has, it can't take away feeling depressed and today I feel depressed but am doing my best to stay busy and spend time with my family.

[Mario79]

I am depressed as well, you arent alone. I have to start seeing a new therapist, I have to now concentrate on letting my ex go. I also have a ton of issues that more than likely influence how I behave in my relationship and in my life. I hope this makes us grow and we can see it as an opportunity to let pain go. I will be here rooting for you, I am sure everyone else here wants to hear you say, I am doing good.

[Canadiangirl78]

What does DV mean that you keep referring to in your posts?

[GeneralJennyJenn]

What does DV mean that you keep referring to in your posts?

 

Domestic Violence (my ex was verbally, mentally and at times physically abusive). He was very controlling. He tried to separate me from my friends and family and the list goes on and on....

[GeneralJennyJenn]

So the ex once more contacted me last night asking me in I was still in contact with his former friend. Actually he was demanding this not asking.

I am baffled because I should think he be more upset that I told his current gf that he cheated on her with me. Than the fact that his former friend used to live with me for 6 months!

 

Why does the toxic ex even care? He certainly doesn't want me back but I do admit, I find the jealousy a little rewarding after all the pain he has caused me. Still does anyone have any insights as to why he is acting so jealous?

 

And good news I have maintained NC since :-) I also joined an online dating site and I think it would be good to get out there and go on some dates in the near future. To put the toxic ex behind me once and for all.

[xpaperxcutx]

So the ex once more contacted me last night asking me in I was still in contact with his former friend. Actually he was demanding this not asking.

I am baffled because I should think he be more upset that I told his current gf that he cheated on her with me. Than the fact that his former friend used to live with me for 6 months!

 

Why does the toxic ex even care? He certainly doesn't want me back but I do admit, I find the jealousy a little rewarding after all the pain he has caused me. Still does anyone have any insights as to why he is acting so jealous?

 

And good news I have maintained NC since :-) I also joined an online dating site and I think it would be good to get out there and go on some dates in the near future. To put the toxic ex behind me once and for all.

 

I feel like it's too early for you to date. After an episode like that you should be spending a little more time on self-reflection. At least for me, that's what I did. I was tempted to just start dating after my breakup, but it wasn't worth it and I knew I would just be jumping from people to people to fill the void that my ex left behind.

 

Domestic Violence takes years to heal from. I actually grew up in an abusive household when I was very little, so I understand what that's like. The thing I can say is, you need to work on yourself. There will be days where you feel like you're doing better but then you might experience days where you are down in the slumps. You have to find some sense of balance, otherwise you will not be able to cope with the mood changes.

 

As for your ex, please don't worry about him. If you are adamant you are ready to move on from him, you should change your #. The fact is that you inviting these one-sided contacts from him shows you still care. I understand because of the emotional history it's hard to cut someone off. But honestly, there is nothing rewarding about him contacting you, it will only prolong your inability to move on.

[Mario79]

I think papercut covered it all. Its a bad idea to even consider dating, you have to take this chance as a wake up call to deal with the issues and deal with them with patience. You need that support system, you need someone like family, a good friend that you can tell this things to over and over again.

 

After all you went through with your ex. Things you did to each other. Jealous or happy he did a number on you and you on him. Keep the focus on yourself, you have just stared. This is an opportunity to make yourself better. Set yourself a goal an idea of what you have learned and what you want for yourself. We want you to be happy.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I decided you two were right (Xpaperxcutx & Mario79) and my grandmother agreed. So will deactivate my profile on the dating website later today and just continue to work on feeling better because today I woke up feeling terrible!

 

Plus the ex was texting me to find out when I will be home tonight and wants to talk to me. I replied I didn't think it was a good idea and that its time for both of us to stop keeping in touch. I am not ready to change my number. I know its not in my best interest but I am doing the best that I can right now. Like xpaperxcutx wrote The fact is that you inviting these one-sided contacts from him shows you still care. I understand because of the emotional history it's hard to cut someone off. But honestly, there is nothing rewarding about him contacting you, it will only prolong your inability to move on. How do you stop caring for someone who for better or for worst has been in your life for 8 years?!?

 

I am feeling very discouraged today mostly because since the toxic ex I have dated 2 guys and it went nowhere and I am afraid of ending up all alone, a spinster. It was actually a relief when I signed up for the dating website to see men my own age looking for women their ages too.

 

I guess therapy is the only way to go at this point but I have another 2 weeks to go before I see mine again. I appreciate everyone's support tremendously.

[Mario79]

We are here for you, this place its its own form of therapy, you have a chance to help mooore people with your knowledge and experience. Lean on me and I will lean on you. So you dont just have to wait on your therapist always.

 

How do you stop caring? I guess you dont. My therapist said that we have to remember those bad things, but really look long and hard and find them since our mind in a way of coping just gives us the good part. You can also watch inspiring movies, sounds lame, but I saw Castaway and it made me feel better.

 

I have also dated, and it only made me feel hopeless that no other girl will ever be what she was to me. Technically true, but I might someone equally as special in a different way and also expect that may not workout either. They say live in the now. But once you feel youve turned that corner, you can put yourself back out there, or who knows someone will just find you instead.

 

I send you a positive thought.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

When I woke up to find those texts from the ex asking to see me I responded

Me: I don't think we should keep in touch anymore. Its not healthy for either of us.

Toxic Ex: I agree I lost all respect after hearing about you and that lowlife. LOL

Ouch! That stung, I could feel my face burning up! That remark really hurt me and I am so glad I am not going to see him again. It is taking all of my strength not to respond with a snarky, catty reply. As I am trying to be less emotionally impulsive. Its crazy but it irks me that he gets the last word and I want so badly to hurl slings and arrows his way!

All I can do now is block his number and as soon as I finish some work related stuff I will do that. But it still hurts!

[Mario79]

Anyone saying such a remark obviously wants attention. Dont let him get to you. As you said its more of a test to be less impulsive, and measure of your worth can be shown here. Dont give him what he wants.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Well I resisted acting impulsively and went ahead and blocked all of his numbers. The man goes through phones like kleenexs. At least now when I check my phone, I know I won't see any texts notifications from him (I hope!)

 

However I am still reeling, Mario79 you're right, he just wants attention. Negative attention in his mind is better than no attention I suppose. Logically I know what he wrote should have no impact on me but it stung nonetheless.

 

Soon I have to say goodbye to my family and head back home. The three hour drive and returning to an empty apartment is not something I am looking forward to. Perhaps I will text my friend to see if she can meet me at my place and keep me company tonight? I just dread being alone tonight.

[Mario79]

If you have a computer we are here. I am stuck alone as well. My ex last text to me was something where I felt like she treated like a criminal. I have been fighting the urge still to respond to her, it happened last Wednesday. At this point I feel regardless of what I say or do, it's meaningless, but it does feel better to leave it at that.

 

If you have a friend that can come over, even better. Anyone to talk to.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Right now I need to eat something, haven't eaten today, pack up and hit the road.

Proud of you Mario79 for not contacting the ex, lets keep each other in check when it comes to that

[Mario79]

Not a problem Jenn. I would appreciate your assistance with that. It gets tough sometimes, mainly in the morning for some reason. Ill be around if anything.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

So my attempt to block my ex's texts failed. I guess because we both use Androids I dunno? But tonight after a long day of work and a sh*tty sleepless night before, I was dragging myself all day long. Then I find a text from him saying

Ex: We need some closure

Me: Okay I will leave you alone and you can leave me alone

And then I went on about my night. I am doing a LOT better than I was a week ago when the madness began. So progress, hooray!

 

And the more I think and sadly uncover online in regards to my ex's criminal behavior, the more I realize I was mourning an idea of who I had hope my ex would be rather than who he really is.

 

I sure don't miss the constant fighting, upheaval and chronic verbal, mental abuse. I think my ex as many of my friends and family are saying caught me at a very vulnerable time in my life where I am actually physically run down and experiencing some other what I consider to be crisis in my life. Still how I reacted to the situation still has me reeling.

 

If I can take anything from this toxic ex relapse is its a real wake up call. To be examined for the next few months. And I am so grateful for this forum and for the support I have received by the members here. Hope everyone else is doing good tonight too!

[Mario79]

That sounds great. They way you dealt with that text, that is priceless. You are finding your way, and hopefully this will mean you will find happiness that will not depend on anyone. That is very good news to start the day with.

[SerCay]

I know this is an old thread but I got curious after reading your current post and went n to read your history.

 

YES I have done this exact thing, in another form.

Look at my thread ''revenge feels awesome''

 

Don't feel bad about it. Some people need to see the truth about themselves, otherwise they don't have any boundaries towards you.

[jonsnuh]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through OP. You're on the right track by identifying and labelling this behaviour! Now you have to let go by rewiring your brain. Also, by experience, I've found self-destructive behaviour tends to correlate with depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues that need to be addressed and resolved.

 

In the meanwhile, getting endorphins into your body and engaging in a healthy "self-destructive" behaviour by going to the gym and focusing on your goals in life is the best way out. Drinking, spending money may give you the momentary high you need to get back on track, but sometimes it does more harm than good.