Ethereal Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) I was a forced dumper. My ex treated me badly towards of the end of the relationship (failed to communicate with me for days, lied to me on several occasions, brought up his ex girlfriends in conversation a lot, would ignore me when we hung out in a group often leaving me sitting awkwardly while he chatted to others) If I stayed with that man any longer I would have become a shell of myself and an insane paranoid mess. I ended it for my own sanity. However I'm struggling... It's been 2 months since the break up and I'm feeling at my lowest. I have problems sleeping, getting out of bed in the morning, and having any motivation to do anything. I sometimes sit in the bath for an extra hour to think about things and have a little cry. I really want this to pass. It's hard because this guy was so crazy about me in the beginning. We planned a trip to Paris, he let me stay at his place for a week when I had issues at home, he wrote a song about me and serenaded me, he wined and dined me, said I was beautiful and treated me with such respect. He was a true gentleman. And when he did a 180 it hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I have never been this heartbroken over a man. I was proud of myself at first though. I dumped him and stayed strong. I went NC for 6 weeks. Unfortunately not hearing from him during those 6 weeks weakened me and I started questioning myself. I thought he might miss me and realise how he screwed up and apologise. But nothing... So I broke, and contacted him. I told him I missed him and thought about him a lot and hoped he was doing well. He replied and was very polite. He said it was good to hear from me but didn't say he missed me... He just said he wasn't going to waffle on and told me to take care. Now this is where I was foolish and ruined how well I handled the break up.. First I asked if he wanted to meet up for dinner and talk. No reply. Second I sent him a long message seeking answers (I wish I could understand why it went wrong; did I do something I put you off me? We were so happy and I'm so confused, etc)... And of course, he didn't reply... I know I would have such an easier time of this if he was just honest and told me the truth. He could just say, 'Sorry I thought I loved you but realised I didn't.' Sure, it would kill me to read that at first, but at least I could move on and not look back. Not having a clue what he's thinking or how he's feeling is the worst. I keep thinking every single thing under the sun what it could be. If only he could be honest and I wouldn't have to waste all my energy thinking and wondering... It's been 24 hours since I sent my last message and he's probably not going to reply and give me closure, so, how do I handle this? Edited November 7, 2013 by Ethereal
Philosoraptor Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Closure comes from within, by accepting the breakup. Anything you hear from him will leave you with more questions than answers, I promise you this. You weren't forced to be the dumper. He was a certified ass and you had every reason to end the relationship. He was a loser, and once he lifted his facade and you got to know the real him (the ass) you decided that you didn't want to be with him anymore. You can't get hungup on the fantasy that he is this wonderful guy from the beginning, that was the lie to lure you in. You didn't like the real him so you ended the relationship. Understand that to be true and remember that he is an ass, and that you can do much better. Take care of yourself, heal up, move on, and in time you'll find someone who is willing to treat you as well as you treat them. 6
Nubcake Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 My ex also refuses to give me closure and like you it's been 2 months. I think it's very selfish not to be upfront with everything and ignore someone because it's an inconvenience if you're asking civil simple questions. It's like kicking someone when they are down refusing to help them move on. It hurts even more knowing the person doing this once loved you deeply. All the more reason to move on and hate that person since they have no respect/care for you. My stupid heart loves her though so it immediately forgives everything even knowing she doesn't have any care about me at all. I really don't understand how someone could go from wanting to die for someone to being sick of the very thought of them when you do nothing deserving that. Anyway I'm forced to just live life day by day because like your ex she would just ignore me. Of course I want her to text me, but clinging to that hope and obsessing is just going to make things worse. Just have to accept he doesn't have the dignity or class to respond to you. Just look at the cowardly way he ended it and think this is the kind of person you're hurting over and that you deserve better. 2
lindsay1990 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You have what you need for closure. You are not together and it's been two months and you haven't gotten back together. As for him saying something that validates you somewhat in your choice to break up? That's unlikely to happen. He's not going to tell you to get back together, as it also sounds like the relationship was going a bit sour beforehand. If he wanted to or he wants to eventually, he will do it no matter how much you contact him or how much you leave him alone. Those are HIS feelings and HIS decisions and we cannot pretend and think we have control over them. As for him telling you some sort of statement that will give you closure, like he "never loved you". That's not going to happen either. I feel that with this, you are second-guessing your decision to break up, perhaps you feel you were rash or impatient or whatever, so you want him to confirm that you did the right thing in breaking up and I think if you are holding out for this, well, you're not going to get it unfortunately. It has been done, and to be honest, if I were you, I would focus on the fact that you felt you were forced to dump him, you were not happy anyway, and it wasn't going to change on its own, you know? Remind yourself of why you felt neglected and uncared for and realize that contact with him only puts you in the position to feel more rejected by him, as you did at the end of the relationship - do you really want that? And I'm not trying to lecture you at all, but respectfully I ask you to consider this situation from a perspective of more self-love: why does it matter if he had stopped loving you or not, or that he never loved you at all and realized it? What matters is how YOU felt, and you felt neglected. The reason to stay with this man or break up with him should not be how HE feels about you (that's up to him to consider, and ultiimately why he hasn't asked you back I speculate), but how he makes YOU feel. Obviously you didn't feel overly appreciated or loved so you broke up with him. I respectfully then suggest that, as they say, you "focus on yourself", but in this case specially on fortifying your self-esteem so as to not make determinations or put a higher value on the guy's thoughts/feelings/intentions but on YOUR feelings. Because if YOU are not looking out for your best interests, then who is? And for starters, consider that you were strong enough to realize it was not what you wanted, that you weren't feeling cherished and loved as you should because i'm sure you are a great girl and you deserve that. Never forget: feelings loved and valued is never too much to ask. It is the minimum and the only required, with respect. So remind yourself that you had the insight to realize you weren't getting what you deserved, to know that you deserve better and the courage to step up - passiveaggresively or not, if it was more of a kick-in-the-butt to the guy that didn't work, well, now you know he's taken the Out you gave him. Consider yourself lucky and work on yourself, you need a guy to make you feel better not neglected and rejected, so go NC with this one and as cheesy as this sounds, go empower yourself, because i think you are a prime candidate at this point because you stood up to a less-than-ideal situation, so step up now and don't put yourself back in it good luck 5
penultimatethrow Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Closure There are tonnes of awesome articles on this site, but this one on closure is really relevant to you. Don't worry about how you handled it, it sounds like you did well. Remember - keep up NC, you can do better, and it WILL get easier. Focus on yourself for a while, hard as that is. Much support 1
Author Ethereal Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Thanks for the advice guys. I agree, focusing on myself is what I need to do right now. I'm a creative person and have an awesome project in mind. I'm going to try my best to put all my energy into that. It's just difficult when he's on my mind 95% of the time. Hopefully that 95% will go down a few percent each week and eventually will be 0%! I can't wait for this day to come. I want it so bad! I know I will be indifferent to that loser one day and I can't wait.
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