Quintessential Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) Hello there. This is my first thread. I've been lurking on these boards for over a year. I've learned about NC, and I have to say I'm very firm believer of it. The guy who caused me to seek out this forum… Well, let's just say, no guy has ever driven me so crazy. I'd really appreciate it actually if someone could give me some insight into my situation (and my ex). Is he a narcissist? A player? Lazy? An assh0le? Or just one of those guys who only want and desire something when it is gone and out of their life? There are 2 parts to this story… [Part 1] We were together for 6 months in 2012. When I first met him, I wasn't really that interested, but he kept pursuing me, and eventually I fell for him hard. It took me ages to sleep with him (I've only ever been with one other guy apart from him and that was someone I was with for 5 years) but when I did, I noticed things started to change. He became distant… dull even… He wasn't the lively, flamboyant person I first knew. I waited, but things weren't improving, they were just getting worse. Our communication lessened. For me, this wasn't good as we don't live in the same city. Relationships with distance need more communication. I'd be lucky to hear from him once every 2-3 days, and on a couple of occasions he went 4-5 days without contacting me. I had words with him and he said he'd try to contact more, but it didn't take long for him to go back to old habits. In the end, I broke up with him because I was getting upset all the time. A couple of weeks went by and I hadn't heard from him. Stupidly I contacted him (this was before I learned about NC) and told him I still loved him and asked if I ever meant anything to him at all, and why he didn't even want to make things work, blah blah… He rejected me and said he didn't want to get back together. It was a mess… I was so humiliated. On that day I found out about NC. I did it for 8 whole months until he contacted me wanting to get back together. [Part 2] We met up and he said he had missed me so much and he wanted to give us a proper try. I was very hesitant at first but eventually I decided to take him back. I tried my best to move on during those 8 months of NC but, I'll admit it, I never got over him. He told me he had been with other girls and even had a short term relationship with one. I hadn't been with any other guys though. I told him all this too. I told him I hadn't been with anyone else, only ever wanted him, and thought about him every single day, which was very VERY silly of me, because as soon as I told him all this, he started distancing himself again. We lasted all of 6 weeks. What made me decide to end it for good was when he didn't contact me ONCE when I went on a girly holiday for 2 weeks. He didn't even send me one Facebook message… So much for a "proper try". He hadn't changed after all. History just repeated itself. *sigh* I don't get his behaviour at all… Why did he even bother is all I'm wondering… So when I returned from my holiday, I dumped him, putting it down to extreme incompatibility. Not surprisingly, he didn't put up much of a fight. We've both been NC with each other for almost 1 month now, and even though I still love him, miss him, and think about him every minute of the day, I have no desire to break it. I blocked him on Facebook too… Not out of anger or spite. I just need to heal. I know it would devastate me if I saw something up there… I'm totally avoiding all his other social networks websites too, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Can't risk seeing something that might upset me. I recommend blocking them and not checking up on them. It's made this month of NC hell a whole lot easier. And that is my story… Edited October 8, 2013 by Quintessential 2
chinacat sunflower Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 You know what you want, he didn't deliver. Good for you for standing up for yourself like that! Here's to practicing good ole fashioned self respect and self discipline! 1
AnyaNova Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I think Chinacat makes an important point. You knew that you wanted someone who missed you when you were gone, and would get in touch with you and treat you well. You are doing the right thing for yourself! Even though I know it can be difficult!
Angry bird Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Wow, yes, we always want the ones that don't care...sigh. He is emotionally unavailable. I'm in love with one of those too. It's heartbreaking. It's terrible. I have started back contact with mine and I have made my peace with who he is...but I am keeping my options open.
Petunia20 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Really liked reading your story! You knew what you wanted, he may not have. You didnt play games and it ended. How strong you must be to walk away like that. The 8 months of NC wow! Must have been hard for you. I hope to be as strong as you soon! No more checking up on what mine has been up to! Hope I can stick to it
Author Quintessential Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Thanks guys. It wasn't easy to break up with him again. Not easy at all. But I knew I had to do it. I think what made the decision to break up with him again so hard was remembering what NC had been like the first time. I thought there was no way I could go through that again. However, I'm finding NC this time around light years better than the first time. The first time I looked at my phone constantly to see if has called or texted. This time I often leave my phone upstairs for hours and I don't feel particularly bothered to look at it. I'm not pining for him like I was then. My feelings for him are still strong though. I can't wait to reach indifference. Hopefully it doesn't take too long to reach that stage.
BlueIvy Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I am going to be honest...he is an *******. I think he got what he wanted and that's why he wasn't as interested. I don't think he ever cared about you and it showed through his actions...no calling you? no effort at all! He only came back months later probably to feed his ego or to get laid. Even if he contacts you, ignore him. If you pay him attention, it will feed his ego. You deserve better!
flight E Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Listen to the last poster. There is nothing to add
Trimmer Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 However, I'm finding NC this time around light years better than the first time. The first time I looked at my phone constantly to see if has called or texted. This time I often leave my phone upstairs for hours and I don't feel particularly bothered to look at it. Have you taken his number out of your phone contacts list yet? Do it. An alternate way of doing this is to change his name in your contacts list to "Do Not Answer", so the caller ID would come up that way if he does call. My feelings for him are still strong though. Try to work on understanding that those feelings are mostly attached to the fantasy image you built of him and your relationship with him. That was what you longed for, and what it feels like you lost. When you start to pine for that, try to remember the reality of the relationship - the indifference on his part, etc. You never actually had the fantasy in your hands - it was always just a mirage. What you got rid of was the unfortunate reality, and that is a positive step for you. I can't wait to reach indifference. Hopefully it doesn't take too long to reach that stage. It take some time, but you've got the right idea - indifference is the ultimate goal. It is more peaceful than hatred.
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