I want to contact him

[venuss]

I am 29 and he is 34..

 

We were acquaintances for many years, I knew him to be a nice sensible person but didn't knew a great deal 'about' him . He pursued me and I fell for him, he was really passionate. But only after one month of dating he asked me to meet at his place which I refused..he said then there is no point because according to him its part of relationship, I argued that its too soon, he said but if we don't meet alone we won't get to know each other, to which I said at this stage we can date a bit more but the argument went in circles, he said lets just call it off then, I said fine. Then after 3-4 hours he called me, blew up my phone and finally when I answered.. he begged,apologised and planned to meet for lunch.

 

Something similar happened again after few weeks, this time we broke up for 2 days (longest 2 days ever), then one more time for 5 days, and then one more time for 9 days( this was after 4 months and he was frustrated). The reason I still did not sleep with him was because his pursuit was becoming unnaturally aggressive in some manner…We got together after 9 days to give each other another chance and I was expecting that he will try to win me over again and then may be we will take a step forward, because I was also attracted to him and wanted to be closer to him and after all it has been 5 months, how much can I resist!! But just a week after we got back together we had this text conversation when he 'asked' when are we doing it? Insisted and I was kind of sure that its all lust for him and I texted him to never contact me again.

 

It felt like he was giving me ultimatum!! Moreover, since we just started talking again after 9 days of NC, I did not expect that he will ask me for sex over the text so soon. In fact, according to me, he should not ask for it, it should happen when it will feel right. We should not be planning it! That's a bit odd for me! At this stage (after 5 months) it was appropriate to plan meeting at his place and we could have seen where it leads to.

This time it has been 6 weeks of NC. Needless to say I am very hurt and keep thinking about him 24X7. I loved him! I never left any communication gaps, I told him all this very clearly that his approach is aggressive and was scary. But instead of fixing, he argued, I think he may have felt how much more he has to stretch this before I sleep with him, I am not sure if he wanted to test physical compatibility or just wanted to have sex once or multiple times. But I wanted serious commitment from his side.

 

Now that when I talked to some of my close friends about how miserable I feel, two of them are telling me that I did not do the right thing and sex is part of relationship, according to them he was mostly right whereas I was wrong. One male friend agrees with what I did and is encouraging me to get over him. Today I really want to get in touch with him, but I fear that he may ignore me or tell me to go away. So I am the dumper in this situation and reading how all the dumpee feel (they resist even if they want to speak to dumper).. I am not hopeful.

 

I am lost and confused!!! Should I text him and ask..how was he? I am not sure, considering we broke up over text and not on good terms. We don't have any common friend who can be messenger in this case. He has disappeared completely!

 

Thanks for reading (if you did).

Edited April 24, 2013 by venuss

[Renard99]

In my opinion, when it comes to situations like this, especially when sex is involved, you have to do what is right for you because it has to be 'natural' in order for it to be healthy for the relationship. I believe you did the right thing based on that. Being forced into things before you're ready can breed all sorts of emotional problems such as resentment and anger. Any loving partner would be willing to wait until such a time when it felt natural and the time was right. It's a perfect sign that the relationship is ready to move forward and is progressing nicely.

 

I can, kind of, see where your friends are coming from when some say it was the wrong thing. Sex is definitely a part of the forming of relationships in this day and age. It is also common, in today's society, for it to happen fairly soon and it may be seem, to your friends, you were 'holding back' a bit on the relationship. Your ex may have felt the same way and therefore started to react to it. However..... despite these views, it doesn't make it right. Just because others jump into bed at the first opportunity doesn't mean that it's right for you or that you have to.

 

You stuck to your guns and I think you did well for doing so!

[BKC]

Now that when I talked to some of my close friends about how miserable I feel, two of them are telling me that I did not do the right thing and sex is part of relationship, according to them he was mostly right whereas I was wrong. One male friend agrees with what I did and is encouraging me to get over him. Today I really want to get in touch with him

 

Hey. I agree with the above comment completely and your sentiments about entering a sexual relationship when you're ready. It should only happen when both individuals are totally into it.

 

However... this stance begs the question: why weren't you totally into it when he was? One explanation is the one that you gave: the fact that he was pressuring you turned you off to the idea and made you more resistant. I would ask, if he hadn't been pressuring you to have sex or if he hadn't seemed so interested in it, would you have initiated sex with him at some point?

 

Another possible explanation is that you weren't actually sexually attracted to him. Which is probably how he felt. No matter how bad a man wants to sleep with a woman, there comes a point where her resistance to sex starts to feel like a sign that she isn't interested in him. I think most everyone would agree that 5 months is a long time to wait in the absence of religiously mandated abstinence.

 

You did the right thing. And it sounds like he shot himself in the foot by being overly preoccupied with the question of whether or not you would sleep with him. But you need to understand going forward that you're likely to come up against this problem again in the future. Next time you enter a relationship I would encourage you to 1) be safe 2) seek a man with good qualities and 3) consider the possibility of initiating sex when you feel the desire to have it (it's bound to happen eventually). Men who know how to make you feel what you want to feel before having sex do exist, but one with all the qualities you want and a genuine interest in having a relationship with you will always be a little harder to find.

 

Some women have legitimate difficulties with arousal and trust due to bad past experiences. If you feel that your difficulties with sex are harming your life and prospects, consider consulting your doctor. He or she can probably point you in the right direction. Appropriate therapy could be as simple as talking to a counselor.

 

As for contacting your -ex: you're 29. Relationships end. It sounds like your -ex didn't have what it takes to earn your continued effort. It sucks that he fell short of the mark especially since you seem to care so much for him, but the fact is sometimes you gotta cut your losses and move on with your life. I would advise you not to call and try dating other people (not because he might tell you he doesn't want to talk but because the first thing he'll ask you is if you're ready to have sex--and then you'll be right back where you left off).

[BKC]

I would advise you not to call and try dating other people (not because he might tell you he doesn't want to talk but because the first thing he'll ask you is if you're ready to have sex--and then you'll be right back where you left off).

 

In the absence of growth and the development of new conflict resolution techniques on both sides of the fence, you will end up with the same problem if you try to reenter a relationship with him. It sounds like the two of you had incompatible methods for dealing with this particular conflict in your relationship. You were put off by his pestering; he didn't know how to stop asking and start impressing. And since sex is so central to a healthy, fun, and good relationship, you guys can probably find people that you will get along with better.

[venuss]

Hey. I agree with the above comment completely and your sentiments about entering a sexual relationship when you're ready. It should only happen when both individuals are totally into it.

 

However... this stance begs the question: why weren't you totally into it when he was? One explanation is the one that you gave: the fact that he was pressuring you turned you off to the idea and made you more resistant. I would ask, if he hadn't been pressuring you to have sex or if he hadn't seemed so interested in it, would you have initiated sex with him at some point?

 

 

It was just that. He always made excuses for meeting in public places so in last 3 months we met 2-3 times only, but spoke a lot . I thought may be after getting what he wanted he will leave me. I knew if I ended when I did I will be hurt but if I had more intimate relationship then it may have been even more difficult for me to move on. I may have also felt stupid!

 

But I feel worse than I thought I would, one of my friend suggested you need to go **** him and then ****ing get over him!! It has stuck in my mind. I am attracted to him big time and if we did get back together I am willing to try his way. (That is how I am feeling right now).

 

But I am afraid of rejection in any way. I don't even know if he misses me or is thinking about me or if he pondered on how he scared me away!!

[BKC]

I thought may be after getting what he wanted he will leave me. I knew if I ended when I did I will be hurt but if I had more intimate relationship then it may have been even more difficult for me to move on. I may have also felt stupid!

 

3 Scenarios:

 

1. You call him. He misses you. You proceed with your friends advice to f*** him and then get over him.

 

This is a seriously low road to take. You'd basically be using him; it's the exact same thing you were afraid he was going to do you. It might be the best way to preserve your feeling of personal empowerment but if you ever thought hard about it you'd realize that it's completely backwards and you'd have a hard time being proud of it. You'd ultimately damage your self-respect, which is the very thing you were trying to avoid. If you do decide to call him, the only ethical way to approach it would be to give him full disclosure. Tell him you just want to f*** to see what it would be like; tell him that you're not making any commitments to ever try it again, and that depending on how you feel about it you might be able to see him again.

 

However, at this point you should assume that getting any sort of commitment from him is going to be hard. If you decide that you really like him still and end up wanting a relationship, be prepared for him to string you along.

 

2. You call him and he doesn't want to see you.

 

Honestly, this isn't as bad as it seems. You dumped him because you had negative feelings about the relationships and it sounds like you also had a number of fears that you'd get played. Maybe those fears were legitimate, or maybe they weren't. If he doesn't want to see you or talk to you then any doubts you may have about your decision you made will automatically be taken care of for you. No more reason to question.

 

You sound like you're worried that he may not care about you or want to talk after 6 weeks of NC. I understand that it might be hurtful, but you could take it as a sign that your original fears about him being interested in you exclusively for sex were valid.

 

3. You don't call him. You move on with your life. You work on yourself. You see other people. And you try to take a different approach with the next guy.

 

This approach has all of the advantages of the previous scenarios and none of the pitfalls. You'll feel good about yourself for removing your need for his validation and approval, you'll experience new things, and you will eventually get a clean slate with a new person. You'll have the chance to build on a stronger foundation--the current one sounds pretty shady.

 

You were afraid that he was going to take advantage of you. The fact is, you can't ever be completely sure about someone else's motivations. Even someone you've been married to for years can turn around and surprise the hell out of you (e.g. with cheating, disappearing, or dying). There are no assurances in life. The most important thing you can do is to develop the interpersonal skills that will serve you in the long run. Learn how to be honest with people about how you're feeling. Never play games. And never ever ever use sex as a bargaining chip. If you want to f*** somebody, f*** them because you think you'll enjoy it. When you meet a new person, or reconnect with an old person, enjoy yourself moment to moment. Don't think about whether or not they're going to be there tomorrow or the next day. Just be yourself, the best that you can be. Be honest and have fun.

 

If you're a good person and fun to be around there will always be more opportunities for you to love and enjoy your life. You can't control what other people do. Ever. But you can control how you let it make you feel.

 

Goodluck. Let us know how it turns out.

 

Danny

Edited April 24, 2013 by BKC

[venuss]

3 Scenarios:

 

1. You call him. He misses you. You proceed with your friends advice to f*** him and then get over him.

 

Will not work for me because of the kind of person I am, I will get even more attached to him. If he even kissed me again I will be back to square one. And I agree with all that you said about this option, which is not good.

 

2. You call him and he doesn't want to see you.

 

 

I do fear all that you have said, not sure if I will be able to handle rejection maturely. I will not like it if he never answers my call in the first place!

 

 

3. You don't call him. You move on with your life. You work on yourself. You see other people. And you try to take a different approach with the next guy.

 

There are days when I want to do just that and then get frustrated with the feelings of missing him and then I feel like contacting him then don't do that because I don't know what to say?

 

Very good advice Danny. Thanks for taking out time to layout these options for me. I dumped him in all my senses but after few days when I spoke to others and cooled down a bit I realised I did not wanted it to end.

 

If I knew that he will call me at some point then I would wait. Some who know him think that he will because he did not get what he wanted, whereas some think that he may never initiate contact.

 

I want to text him and let him call me if he wants to talk. But I don't know what would be the right thing to say in my text??

[venuss]

I must add..he has gone super quite!! He was connected with me on various messenger and social networking web sites. He is offline everywhere and is posting nothing. Not sure if he is doing this on purpose or is genuinely busy! So that makes me even more unsure of what should I text? What if he is away? Busy with something completely different? Or may be ignoring me on purpose and waiting for me to contact him? Could be anything!!

Edited April 25, 2013 by venuss

[lonewalker]

Someone who trule loves u... never wants u just for sex.

 

In fact, they will make sure u want it before even forcing it on u.

 

Those who does, doesnt really loves u.

 

I am a guy. I will only care for sex if i didnt really love the girl. I just want to **** them... but for someone i loves... i will always make sure they feel comfortable.