She's leaving and it hurts

[toc200]

So long story short, my ex gf of 27 months and I broke up mid February. She literally hooked up with a dude the day after which was sort of dodgy as we have said its over many times before. 2 days after the hook up she told me. Said she was sorry and that it was a dumb drunken one time mistake.

 

I was heartbroken but searched for ways that's could make it work. A day and half went by with us trying to say we could get by but it didn't sit right. So I spent some time alone and we met up later that night. She initiated the final break up and logical me knew it was the right thing. I always knew deep down this wasn't my life partner but we were having a good time; especially in the last 5 months.

 

Well I got her to move out like 2 days later. I've been surrounding myself with the buddies and trying to have a normal life but she's always on the back of my mind. The little guy who lost his first love just can't be distracted.

 

She's been playing with me I think. Stopped following me on istagram, and then said she did by mistake and follows me again (I stopped following her immediately). Then last week at a bar we run into one another and she gave me a kiss on the cheek as I walk out. Text her later and said that's not cool. She apologized.

 

Now, we live in a small town and my work routine causes me to bump into her every other day. We have been mostly NC except for the bump ins and some issues regarding tax forms sent out to either address and tenancy papers she had to sign.

 

Today she text me and said she's leaving the small town and going back to her home city in a month. I know this is great news and for the best but it kills something in me. Like some stupid illogical hope that we would get back together?! Never in a million years would I or her let it happen. I know she's already out having a good time and hooking up I'm sure. I've only went on a way too soon first date (first week post BU) and made out with some girl at a bar. I just don't feel ready.. No one has an answer for when I'm to be ready. Sucks lol. Wish it was textbook.

 

Once she's gone, she's really gone and its unlikely I will ever see her again in my whole life! Something in me just can't fathom this. Has anyone felt this way. At a loss, she haunts my dreams some nights and this just doesn't feel like its getting any easier.

[SharkTooth]

Oh man, I know exactly what you are living through. My first love did the same thing with me many years ago. I really feel for you. It hurts me just to think about that.

 

I know for me, it was the security of her being close by that maybe there could be another shot and when she took that away by moving, it floored me. I did hook back up with her years later and I broke it off the next time. She's a whack job today and I hate to say this but I dodged a serious bullet with that one.

 

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you know that having your friends around is the key to success

 

I wish you the very best

[toc200]

So last night, I am out with some friends. She texts me and says she bought her ticket. Which really hurt as its final. Stupid little guy..

 

She goes on to say that she's just sitting at home bored. And wants to talk to someone who really knows her. Someone who understands her. She wants to meet up for drinks and I dont know if its such a good idea.

 

She says she doesnt want to tease me. I dont know if shes just looking for someone to talk to or just perhaps sex. Either way part of me would want to. The idea to be able to talk to her would be nice as I always said I wanted to end as amicably as possible and if I could have no strings attached sex it would be nice as well. But if she is down with either idea, how do I know if I am?

 

Has anyone gone through with a similar idea?

[toc200]

So last night we agreed to meet for a couple drinks. We went for a short walk and drank a few beer. We were both hungry so we went to a local pub and ate.

 

At first there seemed to be a little tension. Mostly on my part. But we talked more so about our futures and what we planned to do. After a while the tension went away.

 

We briefly chatted about the relationship; how in the last month of our couple she saw me in a new light as a great guy but just not for her. She said she knew she would Always want to go home for family in the end. This would probably have been a major problem for me as my life is here. She brought up our sex life and how it was great, though sometimes she felt pressured to give me a night to remember every time. Which I admit I got used to because she always dolled up and went all 9 yards. She laughed how she gave the best BJs. -is this acceptable talk in this scenario ?

 

She asked if I had hooked up yet. She said she hadn't been with another guy yet. I was honest and just told her I had made out with some girl from out of town. She got angry a bit. "but it's another girl!" She responded when I told her that we are single now. But she calmed down and we talked more, quite happily.

 

Now here's where it gets weird. We decided to go back to my place to watch a show. We both work quite early and at around 11:00 PM she says she's tired but its too late for her to walk home from my place ( Literally a 5 minute walk from my house). I told her if she likes she can crash on the couch. She agreed.

 

As we watched the show on the couch she started to fall asleep. I asked if I should just finish my show in the room but she asked me to stay.. I ended up falling asleep next to her. Laying foot to head on the couch. I woke up several hours later and went to my bed.

 

I woke up and went to work at 6 leaving her on the couch. She text later and we both agreed the night as friends was successful, we both said we didn't feel weird falling asleep together. I truly don't feel like I hope this night is going to lead back into a relationship but I do want her in my life as a friend. Am I Pushing any reasonable boundaries? Do you think she has another motive with all this? Why ask me to stay?

 

Fellow LS'ers, what is your take?

[toc200]

Bump. Can anyone give me an opinion? I don't really know how to talk about this with my family/friends.

[Standard-Fare]

Honestly? I think you are not only prolonging your pain but also ensuring that your pain will be worse when she leaves.

 

She has firm plans to leave town. It's pretty clear that before she ships out she wants to indulge in the comfort of an old relationship, even if it's on vague and confusing terms. I don't think that urge is, like, malicious -- it's human, it's understandable, but YOU need to think about exactly how it will affect your own healing.

 

You've already regressed in your progress by having that night of "friendship," so there's nothing to be done about that. My guess is that if she has her way, similar nights will occur right up until the time she leaves. You will have zero chance of really starting with your healing and considering other women.

 

Maybe you're OK with making this temporary regression, but I do think you should think about how much it's going to hurt when she does leave. If you don't feel equipped to handle that pain -- which could be equal to, if not moreso, of the sting of the initial breakup -- then you need to be firm with her and tell her this isn't healthy for you.

[Compromize]

She slept with a guy 1 day after the BU. She left you. She is leaving town and your life for good. Why waste your time and energy and impede your healing process by hanging out with her? She is not worth you time due to her actions, don't let her control the situation.

 

if I could have no strings attached sex it would be nice as well

 

Seriously? No strings attached? Strings are already attached, you are deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

 

Better yet, read this 100 times:

 

She literally hooked up with a dude the day after

 

You really want to have sex with her? Read it another 100 times. Better yet? Do you want an STD? Get away from this train wreck of a girl for your own good brother.

[toc200]

Thanks guys, you're totally right. The one thing about that night is we made each other feel good about ourselves and the future but you're correct it's prolonging.

 

I do want to start to have something with another girl. I have a couple interested in me but until I get the ex out of my mind I don't know if I can.

 

I'm not saying I want to rebound but would it be unhealthy to start to forge something with another girl with a heartache still for the ex?

[Standard-Fare]

Sometimes in breakups there can be those moments of regression that are almost kind of sweet -- where you both acknowledge you do care for each other, feel wistful about the relationship, miss each other, etc. Like the night of friendship you describe. It can be so comforting to have moments like this, as opposed to the other emotions a breakup can bring -- hostility, pain, anger, what have you.

 

But usually once do you make the regression of indulging in that type of comfort, it's best to just leave it at that that. Like, acknowledge you had a good night together and those positive feelings do remain, but that it doesn't mean there will be anything more. It's better to end on the "sweet" side of bittersweet, rather than the "bitter." If you try to prolong it or transform it into something else, things can get ugly. In your case I worry that you'll develop unrealistic hopes about her staying in town, or a long-distance relationship. I feel like there's a lot of potential for an absolutely wrenching goodbye with you begging her to stay.

 

If you feel like you need to get yourself back on track, it might be best to be completely sincere. Like, "That night was special and we obviously do care about each other, and that's nice to know. I'm glad we had that. But you're leaving and there's no chance of us getting back together so I really need to commit myself to healing and moving on. I hope you understand." It would be cruel of her not to accept that.

 

As far as dating, it does sound like you're going to need some time and that it might be unfair to dive in with anyone. I guess if you do start you should just be honest with whatever girl it is and say you're going to take things VERY slow and that you're not looking to jump into a serious commitment just yet.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Standard-Fare