fallenheart Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I have a very comfortable life. I have an easy job that I enjoy. I love my apartment. I make enough to live comfortably on. As far as things like food or shelter or creature comforts there's nothing I want that I can't have. So why am I not happy? Cause I'm single. I'm 35, fat, and single as ****. And all this time I had convinced myself that if I go out and try and be a really nice guy, someone will love me someday. And I feel like I'll never truly be happy until I can achieve that. But even at my darkest moments, I never stopped believing that it's gonna happen someday. And that's the problem. HOPE. If I could just kill that hope and truly ACCEPT that I'll be alone forever, I'll have it made. I'll be happy with everything right now the way it is. No more pain or longing, cause I'll already have everything I could ever want. It's a very zen/buddhist kind of way to look at it. The one thing I can't get is completely out of my control. I can never make anyone love me. I mean, I could improve myself, lose weight, etc, but that doesn't matter cause the ONE thing I need is still something I have zero control over. And I know nobody can ever love me. Every girl that's ever loved me has changed their minds and left me for someone better. And on rare occasions I've tricked girls into sleeping with me or spending time with me, but sooner rather than later, they figure out they want nothing to do with me. I know I'm a nice guy and all, and I'm a really great friend/coworker/whatever, but obviously I'll never be a boyfriend again and certainly never a husband!! So the answer to true happiness has been staring me in the face all along: JUST GIVE UP. Stop fighting it and somehow learn to just embrace it. Accept that not everyone gets to be with someone. I'm one of those people. So how do I accept it? How can I truly get myself to throw away the last shreds of hope??
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I'm not going to feed your negativity, because you're just looking for the sympathy vote I think. Frankly? Happiness starts within yourself. If you CHOOSE to manifest a defeatist attitude, then that's what you will always be. Defeated. As The great Henry Ford stated, "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't - you're right." You are intent on remaining in the 'can't' mind-set. Fine. That's your choice. The only thing you can do with choices you determine, is to live with them and accept them. You're the one who made that choice. Nobody else can live your life-choices for you - but you. So, decide that's your choice, take it on the chin, and live accordingly. Good Luck. 2
Author fallenheart Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking how do you DO it? How do you erase decades of longing for something and accept that it's never going to happen? You've been divorced once or twice right? And now you're old and single? And you've accepted that nobody is ever going to love you right? You're just gonna wait out the end of your days alone. But you're not miserable at all, you're happy cause you embraced the fact that it simply is never gonna happen. That's what I need to do! Learn to be happy on my own. When and how did you accept it?
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking how do you DO it? How do you erase decades of longing for something and accept that it's never going to happen? So, you're saying you feel this way, but you don't currently believe it, but you want to...? You've been divorced once or twice right? Yup... And now you're old and single? Nope, married again at 52.... And you've accepted that nobody is ever going to love you right? On the contrary - someone told me the other day that I was a MILF! I was very flattered, as he is patently about 20 years younger than I! You're just gonna wait out the end of your days alone. No, that's not what I've chosen to do.... But you're not miserable at all, You got that right sweetie.... :D you're happy cause you embraced the fact that it simply is never gonna happen. I make it a point of never, EVER 'embracing' the negative. That's not to say I never feel negative. Of course I do. I just refuse to accept it as a lasting state.... That's what I need to do! Learn to be happy on my own. When and how did you accept it? When I realised that the Buck stops here, and I can choose how to feel and what mind-set to cultivate. If you actively decide you're going to be positive, and focus on cultivating positivity, then life becomes more positive. If you actively decide you're going to be negative, and focus on cultivating negativity, then life becomes more negative. Whatever you put Energy into, will grow. 2
Author fallenheart Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Oh, sorry! I didn't realize you were married again! I remember you said you'd been through a divorce though...but hey! Good for you! Congratulations on finding someone! As for me, yes, I believe the thing that's holding me back is that I feel like I'll never be happy as long as I'm single. Being in a relationship, being married, having a partner to share my life with...that has been my goal all along. I know people always say you can't live your life for other people but that's obviously not true. Everyone that's married and has children lives their life for others. I have always wanted to share my life with someone. I've had some serious relationships too, but in the end, I wasn't good enough and they left. And I always thought if I was just really persistant and never gave up, I would find someone. But now, it's like a slap in the face...the truth. It just dawned on me.....it's never going to happen. I need to just accept that. Just truly give up all hope, cause it's the HOPE that's causing me all this misery!! The only thing I'd really change in my life is the fact that I'm alone. Yeah, I'm fat too....but the only reason I'd change that is cause girls don't like fat guys. If I honestly didn't care about girls, then I wouldn't care about being fat. I could just be ME. I could just EXIST. How do I take that final step and truly give up on spending my life with someone else?
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 As for me, yes, I believe the thing that's holding me back is that I feel like I'll never be happy as long as I'm single. Being in a relationship, being married, having a partner to share my life with...that has been my goal all along. I know people always say you can't live your life for other people but that's obviously not true. Everyone that's married and has children lives their life for others. What makes you assume they're all 'happy'...? Have you not seen the infidelity forums? How full they are of married people having affairs? I have always wanted to share my life with someone. I've had some serious relationships too, but in the end, I wasn't good enough and they left. Yes, I can see how pissed off they'd get having to field your negativity all the time. And I always thought if I was just really persistant and never gave up, I would find someone. But now, it's like a slap in the face...the truth. It just dawned on me.....it's never going to happen. I need to just accept that. Just truly give up all hope, cause it's the HOPE that's causing me all this misery!! No - YOU are causing yourself all this misery, by continually self-defeating and self-sabotaging. The way you think shapes your actions. If you decide you're always going to be alone, then - job done. The only thing I'd really change in my life is the fact that I'm alone. Yeah, I'm fat too....but the only reason I'd change that is cause girls don't like fat guys. If I honestly didn't care about girls, then I wouldn't care about being fat. I could just be ME. I could just EXIST. If you believe gals don't like you because you're fat, then you have the power to change that, You just don't want to because it 's all too much effort, and you can't be arsed. And that's fine, stay as you are. Self-fulfilling prophecy. That's how you accept it. By seeing that the solution is there, right before you, but the hell you care... How do I take that final step and truly give up on spending my life with someone else? You're already there. You've already decided that. What you want to know is how to accept it and be happy with it. And if your mind is saying one thing, but your heart is saying another, you have to determine which one is truly more honest - and back it up. Otherwise, resign yourself to always living in conflict, but not having the fundamental will-power to do anything about it. What goes on between your ears is for you to decide and change. Nobody can do it for you.
Author fallenheart Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Oh it's not JUST because I'm fat that girls don't like. Even if I was a rail-thin waif of a man, they'd still reject me. That's the thing...all of my hopes and dreams are tied to someone ELSE choosing to be with me, therefore, I'm allowing another person to have all the power in my life. And I know now that it's simply never going to happen, so I have to somehow convince myself to let go of the idea of being married. Millions of people go their whole lives without ever finding anyone. Surely they have to make the conscious decision to just GIVE UP and stop dreaming that impossible dream. I want to give up, but I don't know how to do it convincingly. I don't know how to make myself BELIEVE there is no hope.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Oh it's not JUST because I'm fat that girls don't like. Even if I was a rail-thin waif of a man, they'd still reject me. I'm not sure why you believe that, but well... you know best... That's the thing...all of my hopes and dreams are tied to someone ELSE choosing to be with me, therefore, I'm allowing another person to have all the power in my life. Yeah, that is kinda your problem. believing someone else has the power to make you happy. Wrong, but only you can see the flaw in that. Sure, we can point out that you are totally off-bat with that, but if you choose to continue to believe it, then there's little anyone can say to change that. And I know now that it's simply never going to happen, so I have to somehow convince myself to let go of the idea of being married. Have you thought of joining a monastery or going on a retreat? I see you touched on voluntary castration, but hey, if monks can do it, I'm sure something similar could be an option.... Millions of people go their whole lives without ever finding anyone. Surely they have to make the conscious decision to just GIVE UP and stop dreaming that impossible dream. Yeah, 'giving up' seems to be the easy option theme. Anyone will tell you though, achieving 'good stuff' takes effort. it doesn't come to you, you have to actively cultivate it.... I want to give up, but I don't know how to do it convincingly. I don't know how to make myself BELIEVE there is no hope. No. You ALREADY believe there is no hope. You have already achieved that low negative mind-set, that's a given. What you want to achieve, is contentment WITH that belief. You already convinced yourself you're alone for good. Now you want to know how to accept it and be happy about it. Like I said - that's on you, in your mind. You have to find that out for yourself, nobody can do it for you.
cdt76 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 First of all, here is the key to your happiness. No other person will ever provide you with your own self worth. I have faith that God loves me. He has provided great things to my life. I've worked hard for them and I believe he has rewarded me. God loves me. I don't need some other faulty, lying, coniving, pittiful human being to love me in order to make me feel like I'm worth being loved. You have to dignity and faith in yourself. No other person is ever going to provide that to you. So it doesn't matter if another woman never loves you again. You love yourself. When you love yourself, you take the power other's have over your self worth. You own it. You can accept that you are fat. You can accept that you are lonely. You can accept your life as it currently stands and you will live out your days. Or you can decide to become a better you because you want a higher purpose in life. You want to achieve your own goals and master your own body, mind and soul. Eat less, work out more, learn a foreign language and travel to that country, pick up a hobby like boxing. There are a ton of things you can do to better who you are and become a greater person. You will love who you are and who you are becoming and you will be rewarded for putting in the effort to love yourself. If you want to just stay at home in your little apartment being who you are today, then there is no point in coming on here. People here want to change. They want to become better. They want to heal. You can take Tara's advice, which she should be paid for because it's so good, or you can not. Just make the decision and live with yourself afterwards.
Author fallenheart Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Dude. "God" isn't real. If having an invisible magic best friend was all I needed to be happy, I think I'd be all set by now, considering I already live alone.
cdt76 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 My father is not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination. But he left me this little tid bit of advice. Take it for what it's worth: "What does it hurt to have faith in a higher power?" Now, if you got out of all that I said about self worth, is that you need to believe in God, then you obviously don't want to become a better person. Good luck.
Martor Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 As soon as you stop looking and start being yourself, it will come. You should not "give up" nor "hang in there", just live and enjoy life. Happiness breeds happiness.
lilacwine Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Oh it's not JUST because I'm fat that girls don't like. Even if I was a rail-thin waif of a man, they'd still reject me. That's the thing...all of my hopes and dreams are tied to someone ELSE choosing to be with me, therefore, I'm allowing another person to have all the power in my life. And I know now that it's simply never going to happen, so I have to somehow convince myself to let go of the idea of being married. Millions of people go their whole lives without ever finding anyone. Surely they have to make the conscious decision to just GIVE UP and stop dreaming that impossible dream. I want to give up, but I don't know how to do it convincingly. I don't know how to make myself BELIEVE there is no hope. I have given up hope myself, after the failing of three long term relationships. However, when the last breakup occurred (i was dumped for the first time), it hit me that the reason all my relationships failed was more or less due to my low self-esteem. My last bf dumped me because I was too needy and clingy (he said so). However, I've decided to put my energy into building up my self-esteem and self-worth. I've stopped putting effort into "looking for a partner" completely. I start believing in God. If it's gonna happen again, it will. If i'm meant to be lonely forever, I'll gladly accept it. Everything in life happens for a reason and God really has a plan for you. Anyway, what I mean to say is you should read what everyone said above very carefully. It has every ounce of truth it it about the importance of self-love. It's true that if you can't love yourself, no one will. I learn it the hard way. I'm trying each day to live my life in the most positive way possible. It's a very hard struggle but I'm determined I'm not gonna let loneliness control my life.
lilacwine Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I have a very comfortable life. I have an easy job that I enjoy. I love my apartment. I make enough to live comfortably on. As far as things like food or shelter or creature comforts there's nothing I want that I can't have. So why am I not happy? Cause I'm single. I'm 35, fat, and single as ****. And all this time I had convinced myself that if I go out and try and be a really nice guy, someone will love me someday. And I feel like I'll never truly be happy until I can achieve that. But even at my darkest moments, I never stopped believing that it's gonna happen someday. And that's the problem. HOPE. If I could just kill that hope and truly ACCEPT that I'll be alone forever, I'll have it made. I'll be happy with everything right now the way it is. No more pain or longing, cause I'll already have everything I could ever want. It's a very zen/buddhist kind of way to look at it. The one thing I can't get is completely out of my control. I can never make anyone love me. I mean, I could improve myself, lose weight, etc, but that doesn't matter cause the ONE thing I need is still something I have zero control over. And I know nobody can ever love me. Every girl that's ever loved me has changed their minds and left me for someone better. And on rare occasions I've tricked girls into sleeping with me or spending time with me, but sooner rather than later, they figure out they want nothing to do with me. I know I'm a nice guy and all, and I'm a really great friend/coworker/whatever, but obviously I'll never be a boyfriend again and certainly never a husband!! So the answer to true happiness has been staring me in the face all along: JUST GIVE UP. Stop fighting it and somehow learn to just embrace it. Accept that not everyone gets to be with someone. I'm one of those people. So how do I accept it? How can I truly get myself to throw away the last shreds of hope?? By the way, may I ask how long have you been single? I've been single for 8 months now and it sucks. And it's getting harder with time I guess so I can feel your pain.
Author fallenheart Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I've stopped putting effort into "looking for a partner" completely. I start believing in God. If it's gonna happen again, it will. If i'm meant to be lonely forever, I'll gladly accept it. Everything in life happens for a reason and God really has a plan for you. I have plenty of friends already, so I don't really see a need for an invisible friend that I can make wishes to. I'm going to a funeral tonight. The kid was 15 and died of cancer. So glad that "God" had a reason and a plan to kill that kid. God sounds really swell.
Author fallenheart Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 By the way, may I ask how long have you been single? I've been single for 8 months now and it sucks. And it's getting harder with time I guess so I can feel your pain. This time, it's about a year and a half now. But there have been stretches in the past of two or three years or more. I didn't mind as much then cause I was younger and had time ahead of me, but now I'm 35 and I realize it's over. Young people have all this possiibility and potential in their lives. They can date hundreds of people and truly take the time to get to know them and select the best match. They know that when they choose someone to spend their life with, they are making the right choice because they've weighed their options. When you reach your mid-thirties it's just sad, scrambling desperation. You happily settle for the FIRST person that will tolerate being around you because the alternative is a life alone. Better to be with someone, ANYONE, than dying alone right? No such thing as "true love" or "the one" when you're over 30....anyone that says so is lying. They are just settling. Just settling and lying to everyone and themselves that it's OK, but they know it's not what they wanted, hoped, and dreamed for. But the good news is, when you don't find the love of your life in your 20s, and you just settle for the only piece of crap that will lower themselves to be with you in your 30s, at least you don't have as much life left to live. You won't have to put up with them for long cause you're only spending a fraction of your life with them. You already went through most of it (the "best" part) alone. Wasted it, really. So when that sick realization sinks in that you hate your partner but you can't leave them cause they're the only person on earth that you'll ever get, at least you know you'll be dead soon.
lilacwine Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Who said you can't find love after 30? I heard TaraMaiden said she got married again when she's 52. I'm 31 and it's so hopeful for me to read her post. You mention that you tend to settle. That's exactly where you fail. It's a sign you have very low self-esteem. Anyway, I'm done here. I can't read anymore of your post because I don't want to be dragged down by your negativity. I think people come here all want encouragement from others to live a better life, not to listen to depressing complaints. to be honest, i used to just like you in terms of being negative. But i learned that it's exactly that negative attitude that makes our lives miserable. And if you choose to continue live like that and mock us when we mention God, I have nothing else to say.
cdt76 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 You might as well just end it then. If at 35 your life is over and only low life's come your way, there is nothing to live for. Right? Simple truth of the matter is that if you aren't happy in life, then why are you here? Most on here are happy in life but unhappy in love. There is a huge difference. You obviously have neither and are not willing to work to make yourself better. You have no faith in yourself so why should any of us care about what happens to you?
Author fallenheart Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I'm perfectly content with my life. I think I said so in the first post. I have friends, family, am well-liked at my job. I live quite comfortably. I just have no one to share my life with. Nobody to love. I don't have a partner. It's all that's missing. I'm OK with everything else. So instead of constantly searching and failing and feeling miserable cause I will never find this person, cause she doesn't exist....I thought a better tactic might be to change my outlook. ACCEPT the loneliness. Stop wanting a partner. Just accept the fact that this is how it is and how it's gonna be for me. To just be happy with what I have, cause it's actually a lot more than most people in the world. All I'm trying to do is to find a way to convince myself to stop wanting a girlfriend any more.
Recommended Posts