Very lonely but not ready for dating

[so_difficult]

I have to pre-empt my post by saying I realize most people here are the ones who were left behind and I'm the other way, but if you read my story you'll understand.

 

I left my husband a little over 5 months ago. It was for sure the right decision and I don't miss him at all, but I'm so lonely. I see my son 3 nights each week and the rest of the time I'm alone. I run my own business from home and see some clients on occasion, but mostly I'm alone. My family and friends don't live close to me and I'm in this godawful bedroom subdivision community with no friends and almost nothing to do, but it's where my son's school is. A completely family-oriented place.

 

I know, moan moan moan.

 

I feel like I'd like to start dating but I'm for sure not ready, and it wouldn't be fair to whatever guy I went out with if I did. I wish it was just like high school or university where you're surrounded by people doing things and it doesn't really matter if you're single or part of a couple but it's not like that anymore. Especially here, surrounded by families.

 

I'm also dying for sex, but not a one-night stand. And some intimacy too. And then we get back to that not ready thing. Just the thought of dating. UGH!

 

How do you get through this? I seem like I'm really happy to everyone else. And most of the time I'm okay, but I often find myself just crying, especially the day after my son leaves.

[alxnrwd]

Hate to say this, but maybe you should have thought about this before you broke things off with your husband. I don't mean to be judgmental but I hope you tried everything you could - because I know one person that is feeling the exact feelings of loneliness you are, and also isn't ready to trust someone else... And that's your ex.

 

You know what the solutions are. Try new things. Join yoga class. Meet new people. Maybe start online dating or look for a pen pal. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to solve anything- and frankly it's more than a bit hypocritical given you're the dumper!

[so_difficult]

Well I guess I expected this, but if you actually read my story you would see that he's a multiple cheater with alcohol and gambling problems, unwilling to help support the family and that I spent about 15 out of the 21 years stupidly trying to keep it together. But yeah, guess I should have tried longer.

 

I actually was happy someone responded and thought I might get a helpful post. Still naive after all these years.

Edited March 2, 2013 by so_difficult

[JourneyLady]

Still naive after all these years.

 

I know what you mean - I run into the same thing all the time. People just want to judge and not be helpful. Whatever happened to "if you can't say anything nice". Likely the responder has been left himself and/or is just a woman hater.

Anyway, try meetup.com. It takes the pressure off "dating" and you can meet both male and female friends. I've had to use it several times as a jumping off point for meeting new friends and learning to hang out with others again.

 

Other than that, figure out what you are interested in and join a club for it. Most interests and hobbies have a group involved - astronomy, caving, cars, radio, knitting, whatever.

 

Or take classes - I went back to school as well, and that helped me be around people again. I'd been quite isolated before that.

 

Best of luck!

[so_difficult]

Thank you Journey Lady. I haven't heard of meetup.com so maybe I'll give that a shot.

 

I've been feeling so lonely and sad and isolated that in my desperation I turned to this site for some human contact but I guess there really is no human contact here. I don't think I'll be back.

[creighton0123]

I wouldn't say turning to this site is a sign of desperation... It is simply a resource for those needing a sounding board.

 

As another poster mentioned, try meetup.com. The person holding you back from making new friends and contacts now is you. Also know that you can, in fact, engage in some short term dating so long as you're open and honest with the people involved.

 

Many people are more than willing to date short term, including sex. There is a happy medium between being someone in a monogamous relationship forever and ever and ever... and a one night stand.

[lavenderlove]

My suggestion is to take things slowly. Step by step.

 

First, just go out during the day, to public spaces, to get used to people around you. If you are working from home, I imagine you don't exercise much, and when your body gets sluggish, so does your mind. Get yourself moving a bit, and you will have more vitality.

 

It will be hard at first but pursue and don't be discouraged.

 

And when you have done things like that, just go a bit further and meet up with some people however you can. Get back into the swing of life...think about it, you now have sooooo many options, and choices, don't be afraid to make a wish, and follow it.

[bpdr]

I know what you mean - I run into the same thing all the time. People just want to judge and not be helpful. Whatever happened to "if you can't say anything nice". Likely the responder has been left himself and/or is just a woman hater.

 

Woman Hater? Let's analyze THAT for a moment. "Homewrecker" is more likely the statement needed here. I am always amazed at the reasons for destroying your marriage. But, if children are involved NOBODY seems to care.

 

Especially, if one side feels slighted. With kids, you TRY to fix it PERIOD. If that person is substance abuse, or personality Disordered - ONLY THEN, take careful steps to dissolve the relationship. Children should be paramount here.

 

Disordered Traits are RED FLAGS...be careful how you exit this situation.

 

Good luck.

 

BPDR

[gravi1]

Dear madam your post,starting with the heading as well as body, looks like something fitting a good dating site. But I will not be judgemental, to have tried 15 years to stay in your situation is a very long time.

 

I wonder if you have tried all avenues before leaving your husband. I think he must be as heart broken just as you are. Perhaps his behavior and what he was doing-drinking, drug abuse, cheating- are manifestations of what his marriage to you was. He must have longed for a bit of caring which was missing. No person is inadely just bad that way, he maried you and it was not him who moved out on you, I presume you left the kids with him too.

 

On the other hand, it seems your self esteem has been affected by your ordeal of many years.Trying to hold together a home with no love, and that is what you are craving.I do understand that is the case when a man does not stand for all his duties, taking care of famly and wife in bed. please be patient and do not rush yourself to meet someone else.I am saying this because you still have strong reservations and you may expect the next man to be conforming and it may dissapoint you if he is not.

 

Take your time do things that make you feel good, look good and it will atract men.

[breakmyfall]

Perhaps his behavior and what he was doing-drinking, drug abuse, cheating- are manifestations of what his marriage to you was. He must have longed for a bit of caring which was missing.

 

I honestly cannot believe I just read this :eek:

[SuperGeek]

The great thing is you're female and there has never been a better time in history where it is so easy for women (at least in 1st world nations) to meet and evaluate lots of men. There is now this huge online dating community, meetups, and many other events that get scheduled via facebook (if you use it, I prefer not to).

 

My neighbor is 24 and has about 50 emails a day from different random men hitting on her 4 dating profiles. Her friend who also lives in the same complex we do, is 37 and she has even MORE responses than the 24 yr old. Both seemed to be overwhelmed with responses and are literally having the time of their lives (at least that's what it looks like the rare times I see them).

 

My luck on dating sites (as a male) isn't so great so I stopped trying that route after 6 months of constant rejection. I just felt like one male ant out of 1 million other ants trying to get noticed and there wasn't really a way to distinguish myself from the rest. I closed all my accounts after I literally sent about 100 emails to about 60 or so profiles. I did go on a few dates but nothing just panned out for me. I have at this point decided to be alone and just 'let it happen if it's meant to be'. I'm going to spend my time just going to events and making friends and not worrying about dating. I'll either run into someone or I'll just die alone, but I'm never going to spend one night just going out to 'find someone' again.

 

You might find the online dating thing great or you might not like it because it might be too much. Try it and see. If not, just go out to events and make friends and have fun. What else ya gonna do? If you find out let me know

 

SuperGeek

 

I have to pre-empt my post by saying I realize most people here are the ones who were left behind and I'm the other way, but if you read my story you'll understand.

 

I left my husband a little over 5 months ago. It was for sure the right decision and I don't miss him at all, but I'm so lonely. I see my son 3 nights each week and the rest of the time I'm alone. I run my own business from home and see some clients on occasion, but mostly I'm alone. My family and friends don't live close to me and I'm in this godawful bedroom subdivision community with no friends and almost nothing to do, but it's where my son's school is. A completely family-oriented place.

 

I know, moan moan moan.

 

I feel like I'd like to start dating but I'm for sure not ready, and it wouldn't be fair to whatever guy I went out with if I did. I wish it was just like high school or university where you're surrounded by people doing things and it doesn't really matter if you're single or part of a couple but it's not like that anymore. Especially here, surrounded by families.

 

I'm also dying for sex, but not a one-night stand. And some intimacy too. And then we get back to that not ready thing. Just the thought of dating. UGH!

 

How do you get through this? I seem like I'm really happy to everyone else. And most of the time I'm okay, but I often find myself just crying, especially the day after my son leaves.

[mammasita]

I second and third meetup.com. Great way to meet new friends.

[gravi1]

I am truly sory, that came out harsh, I am dealing with somthing that I dont understand myself and it was not my place to deal judgement here.I was just wondering why madam left the kid with the abusive husband, who uses drugs,gambles, drinks alot etc, howcome the courts let that happen.

 

Well all in all you have a clean break no serious commitments, a free woman and that you must value.I am 100% sure that you will find someone that will make you happy each other way, be patient and know what you want.

[Standard-Fare]

Wow, a couple of really nasty, unhelpful, ignorant responses in here! So_Difficult, ignore that crap.

 

To respond to your post, I'm wondering if there's a chance for you to move somewhere else in the future? Because you're right, a sleepy subdivision full of families might not be the right place for a recent divorcee. Is there a way you could go more urban... a place with more diversity, culture, single people, where you could walk to places and feel less isolated?

 

As a single person, I feel that living in an urban area is the way to go. There are things I don't love about living in the city, but overall I know it helps me stay more connected to other people, more engaged in my surroundings, etc. Plus, more chances to meet new people and try new things.