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A Tad Bit of Encouragement


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 4th January 2013, 10:02 PM   #1
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A Tad Bit of Encouragement

I dated my ex-boyfriend for about 4 years. We broke up in October, and as I was healing pretty well, I made a mistake with him one night early December (can't really remember when) and I backstepped in my healing process alot. But its a little different now. I saw on facebook today that he has a new girlfriend (popped up on my newsfeed) and its really bittersweet feeling. I feel frustrated and unpleasant, not so much that I lost him, or I still love him or any sentimental feelings like that. But really frustration (I don't know how to otherwise describe it). My roommate believes its because he found someone sooner than I did. And this piece of news really bothers me, it shook me in a way that I haven't been in awhile. So I'm hoping that maybe I can find some words of encouragment on here. Something to soothe and quiet my soul. I've been in NC since our breakup, so just some words that I'll be okay would be nice.

I feel strange because I don't want to know that he might be a better boyfriend to her than he was to me, that he might like her more, or that they're more compatible than we used to be. That I wasn't as good as her as a girlfriend. That I'm not as cool as her. These sum up part of the thoughts that are running through me, is that jealousy? or insecurity? I'm not really sure...

Just let me know what you think. Thanks a lot!
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Old 5th January 2013, 12:13 AM   #2
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I too felt like this when my ex got his "new girlfriend", that he "met at work", and began talking to while he was with me. I'm not sure how your relationship was.. but my ex did a lot of shi*ty things during ours.. that he also did to his ex before me. So I kept reminding myself, he's just going to do the same to her, and would have to somewhat 'argue' with myself, because I was like, but what if he's different to her? I just kind of pushed on with the thinking of he'll f*ck this up too.

I spent a lot of time talking myself up too. Like, this girl, better than me? Lol, okay, sure.

I guess I don't have too much advice.. I just tried to avert my thoughts when they strayed that way, and now I only think of them being together from time to time, and just kind of shrug it off now. Because he's not my problem anymore. I don't have to drive him anywhere. Or pick him up. Or lend him money, because he got fired. Or worry about our future because he doesn't even have a GED, for Christ's sake. Or set up appointments. Or argue over the chatlines, dating websites, craigslist. Just... so many things... they're all her problem now, and I know she doesn't see it now, but she will. He's not good at hiding things, lol.

I guess.. Just focus on the negative? And think of it all as something you're now free of, that she will have to worry about now. Not you.

Sorry I'm not too much help. I know exactly how you feel though, I felt that way too. *hugs*
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Old 5th January 2013, 8:55 AM   #3
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It's normal to have the thoughts and feelings that you're having, of course you're going to be wondering about him with his new gf. But the good thing for you is that you're not still in love with him - that's a big plus! We sometimes tend to inflate the qualities of people we don't know in these situations, so you're imagining that she's a better girlfriend than you etc. Again, quite normal but try not to dwell on those thoughts, and just try and let him go with loving kindness. He's moved on (perhaps a bit soon after a 4 year relationship?), and you need to do the same. It sounds like you've been doing really well, and this has just set you back a bit. It doesn't sound to me like you're insecure, I think your reaction is perfectly understandable, and those thoughts will pass once you process this new information. I'm not sure if I could handle knowing about my ex with someone else, it's not easy even if you don't want them back. You're doing great. Take care of yourself.
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Old 5th January 2013, 5:40 PM   #4
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radishes, please don't feel like you are any less than her, or than him for that matter. things are over, he moved on in a relationship, which doesnt mean that he also moved on emotionally. you are two seperate people now, you don't have to compare to him. this is about your emotional well-being. think about yourself, think of the future.

i also just got out of a 4 yr relation, we also ended it in oct but fooled around a little. so i can relate. and she may or may not have another guy. i slightly suspect she does, but to be honest, it's not her i worry about. it's not a match, it's not a race.

there is no telling how compatible they are. sofar i am sure, they did not share feelings as deep as you shared with him. most likely it's just a rebound too. the quality of their relationship is of no consequence at all. please think about yourself and your emotional well-being. are you taking time to heal? good! are you ready to move on? how does it feel? thing about yourself in first place. hope this helps, i can really relate.
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Old 5th January 2013, 6:54 PM   #5
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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it! I've been looking for words from others since I found out yesterday letting me know everything is okay, and that it feels normal, and with time it will pass. The only thing for me right now is to resist checking up on their information on facebook. Because it's true, my emotional well-being is the most important. And it doesn't matter what kind of people they are together or separately.

Its been hard for me for the past couple of days, because the feeling of us living our separate lives, and me not knowing anymore at all what he's up to. But that's okay, I'm coming to terms with moving on.

We had a couple of previous falling outs before, and I treated it both times with kindness, and acceptance. I do accept that we are done, but instead of feeling kindness, I feel frustration. I felt like I had to experience this in such a crappy way in order to learn from my mistakes. Of course, I never took it out on him. I have too much self pride and dignity.

Although he never abused me or anything, he wasn't a good boyfriend in the way he treated me. And its frustrating yet and eye opening that I let myself go on accepting how our relationship was. But I do believe I came out for the better, that it is most definitely for the best that I am out of the relationship.

Because of that, I'm not too hung up or distraught over him finding someone new, because in the end it's none of my business, and I have no right to interfere. Hopefully this helps my coping with the situation.
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