Really desperate, I would be so graceful for support

[Roi]

So my apologies for my English grammar and long wall of text on forehand but

 

About a year ago me and this girl were good friends, really close and by being together love grew and we fell in love. Everything was going really well but about 5 months later she breaks up with me because she needs space. I was hurt really bad, she also told me that it was because I didn't express my emotions enough and she wanted the real me. I didn't express my emotions TOO much intentionally because I wanted to show my strong side and be atleast a LITTLE bit alpha by trying to be a strong guy that could deal with his problems and to show I could take good care of her.

 

About a month later we got back in touch, slowly, I did my best to gave her all the space she needed and I didnt want to rush things although it was REALLY hard and demanded tremendous determination to just hang out, go to the movies without actually any intimacy. Slowly she started to give me more signals that she was getting into me again. Everything was going great and just before the moment we actually just got back together she confessed me something, she had sex with her ex during the time I was chasing her trying to show her that I had a lot to offer and that I loved her.

 

During this time I also worked on me expressing my emotions to her, I even cried on her shoulder one day because I have a terrible relationship with my parents and I have had lots of hard times throughout my youth and being at her house really felt like a home I never had.

 

This came as a big blow, I was shaking and she was crying her eyes out, she told me she felt very guilty and that she thought the grass was greener there but it really wasn't and she made her mind up for good this time! During those 3 months apart she really realised that I was the one for her and she didn't know what got into her! I was really in pain inside but I decided that if I didn't give her a second chance I would regret it anyway..

 

The next 2-4 months she was really putting a lot of effort in the relationship, instead of running away from discussion or fights she talked about it with me openly, she did a lot of sweet things and I was head over heels again! I was SO happy during this period BUT I was still having a lot of paranoid thoughts about her and her ex because she still was having brief texts with him. She told me that if I didn't want it she would knock it off but I said to her, it's really hard for me but you should support him and in my opinion you deserve him as a friend.. I told her I could imagine that she couldn't just drop someone she had known for 3 years.

 

The time after that she went out a lot without me, and that guy was part of her initial group she goes out with so she kept seeing him and it was messing with my head a lot, like I was having SUCH a hard time regaining trust and I also told her that it was really hard, especially if she went out with him. But I told her she didn't need to worry because, with her support I could get through it, I didn't want to forbid her to go out..

 

Now not long ago she was acting really distant etc. and decided we had to talk, she told me that she lost her feelings for me and she felt REALLY guilty, at this point I just snapped, I bursted out in tears and started acting like a complete idiot, I have honestly never felt such a crushing pain in my whole life, me and her practically did everything together during the past year, how could she do this to me..? I'm usually a controlled and calm guy but that evening I was going insane, I even told her that I felt like killing myself, and I was ashamed of that but I had no idea how to deal with that HORRIBLE feeling inside my stomac, she was everything to me.

 

She told me that it would be best to stay with her that night, in bed we even had sex and it was really weird.. the next morning she told me that couldn't happen again. I told her I would try to work on myself and do my best to not do stupid things. When I got home I got a message from her ex on facebook, he told me that he was really sorry and that she told him that she STILL had feelings for him. My heart felt like it was ripped in two but still, even though I wanted to strangle/kill this guy with my bare hands, I wished him luck with her and chose the option to not show any more messages of him and my girlfriend on facebook.

 

It's been a real struggle since then and I've been working out 5 times a week (I'm really into natural bodybuilding, not those monstrous guys, just really lean) I've spent a lot of time with my friends but still the pain would barely go away, sometimes I would go up in the moment and enjoy myself for a few minutes but as soon as something reminded me of her (and basically anything reminded me of her) I slipped back into this desperate and depressed feeling.

 

Today on facebook somehow some picture showed up of her and that guy kissing on a party and my whole body felt so.. sick, I almost had to throw up. I don't know what to feel, I've never been a hate-carrying guy but lately I'm filled with anger and hate, I get agitated so fast and nothing seems to cheer me up or lessen the pain. I feel really insecure and taken advantage of/being used. I feel SO betrayed and I don't WANT to thing badly of her, or him, and I know it's not the right thing because I want to learn from this and move on eventually but I see her everyday at college, and when I do I get these rushes and waves of sickness, anger, sadness through my body, I've had more relationships in the past but this break up felt SO unfair in comparison with the rest, she seems so happy while I've always tried my best for her, I would have caught a bullet for her to be honest and I was really loyal, everyone tells me I was too good for her but when I love someone I can't imagine not being good for her.. I have many flaws, I'm worried fast for example but I was always willing to work on my weaknesses for the sake of the relationship..

 

I just don't know what to do anymore.. I can't understand why while I'm going through all this pain and hell every minute for the past 2/3 months why she moves on so fast, without any problems, it's obvious that she didn't love me but I didn't know she didn't even care the slightest bit..

 

it feels like I'll never find anyone I have such strong feelings for again, and even though everyone tells me I will, it will be so hard to trust someone again, and leaving myself completely vulnerable.. I really just want to fall flat on my face and go into a deep sleep and yeah I'm probably sounding pathetic right now

[TaraMaiden]

Block her on facebook.

In fact, delete your account.

go complete, total No Contact (read the caliguy link in my signature) and do everything, 100% in the way it tells you to.

 

100%.

 

It's the only way you'll stay sane.

Facebook will tear you apart, if you make it so....

[Roi]

Block her on facebook.

In fact, delete your account.

go complete, total No Contact (read the caliguy link in my signature) and do everything, 100% in the way it tells you to.

 

100%.

 

It's the only way you'll stay sane.

Facebook will tear you apart, if you make it so....

 

I forgot to mention that we haven't had any contact for 2.5 month, I try to protect myself, it's just really hard because I see her everyday at school but I try not to look and when she crosses my vision grind my teeth and walk away.. I'm not planning to contact her to be honest, I do NOT want someone who doesn't give a single **** about me in my life.. it's just the pain and feelings of betrayal that are unbearable..

[TaraMaiden]

well right now, the only one hurting you - is you.

 

She isn't doing anything deliberately to be hurtful, and if you've avoided contact for 2.5 months, then the only person stirring your pot - is you.

It's a mind-set you're succumbing to and choosing to accommodate.

You checked FB - she didn't ask you to.

 

Quit beating on yourself and consider, instead of grinding your teeth, just actually not giving a damn one way or the other.

"The person who cares the least, controls the most."

You're obviously investing too much into caring.

 

Change your mind.

Only you can do this.

Or want to do this....

[Roi]

well right now, the only one hurting you - is you.

 

She isn't doing anything deliberately to be hurtful, and if you've avoided contact for 2.5 months, then the only person stirring your pot - is you.

It's a mind-set you're succumbing to and choosing to accommodate.

You checked FB - she didn't ask you to.

 

Quit beating on yourself and consider, instead of grinding your teeth, just actually not giving a damn one way or the other.

"The person who cares the least, controls the most."

You're obviously investing too much into caring.

 

Change your mind.

Only you can do this.

Or want to do this....

 

I did not check her facebook, I really actively try to avoid her! It just popped up through one of her friends, I avoid her completely, just to be clear.. and I hate to admit but I'm really sensitive, I'm physically strong and definatly respected by other guys, it's just that relationships are SUCH a weak spot to me, I try everyday to actively block her out of my mind, but I find myself waking up every morning having dreamed of her and it's poisonous, I'm really trying my best to not feel sorry for myself..

 

and even though I'm agnostic I still went to a chapel to pray, that's how desperate I'm feeling atm, I really want to feel better, it's just that with my head I tell myself that she doesn't mean anything but my emotions won't change the slightest bit

Edited December 29, 2012 by Roi

[Zammo25]

That is a really tough break. You have been treated very badly. The thing is, and it is something I am fighting to come to terms with is this

 

You cannot control someone's feelings. They may fall out of love with you at any moment. It does not matter how much you love them, what you do for them as if they do not feel the same the relationship is doomed.

 

I think and this may be controversial even more so when a woman loses the feeling. It is a task like cimbing everest to get it back. I would guess at least 50% of relationships you see where it all seems wonderful from the outside , the feeling is not there and they are together for kids and financial stability.

 

She also had an exit route which is classic, Very often the final deed is only done when the new guy is firmly on the scene and then the stab is made. Ok, with you, he was always there, with me, I am fairly sure he was on the scene and it made it easier for her to close our chapter and she transferred her feelings from me to him over that period.

 

They are still together, 6 months later, very happy, living together and had a Xmas party with all the relatives including my friend which is how I heard.

 

It sent me in the same downward spiral as you and this Xmas break has been torture. But as Tara said , we are the ones torturing ourselves.

 

I am fighting the desire to give up as the only answer is to refocus and prove my worth for me and to show her I am not such a loser. One day the new Mr Wonderful's halo will slip a bit but she know loves him not me. The same with you and we just have to deal with it. Send me a private message if you want to chat.

[TaraMaiden]

(Zammo, he hasn't been a member for long enough to PM. it's 100 posts or a full month - one or the other. Or both. Not sure.... but PM facility is shut down to newbies....)

[Zammo25]

The question is, what are you going to do ?, watch this for inspiration

 

[Zammo25]

(Zammo, he hasn't been a member for long enough to PM. it's 100 posts or a full month - one or the other. Or both. Not sure.... but PM facility is shut down to newbies....)

 

Ok, you gave good advice as always, I am in a similar Boat to him.

[Roi]

thanks for taking the effort to read the whole thing, and yes it would be nice to chat but since that's not possible here thanks for the offer anyway, and the thing that bothers me the most is how unfair this situation is, I basically got backstabbed TWICE and whether I'm doing it myself or not, I'm still the one going through all the pain while she made such a smooth transfer like you said with not a single care in the world, how can she be happy when she can play around with the people she "loves" so easily..

[TaraMaiden]

You have to stop thinking about things in this way.

It really doesn't matter how she's coping with it, or that she seems to be doing better than you.

Of course she is - she dumped YOU!!

 

But if you allow anger, resentment and bitterness head-room, your recovery will be delayed even more.

 

You may be going through the pain, but don't blame her for this.

It's not on her....

She made her decision - it's not her fault you go to the same classes/school.

it is the way it is.

 

never try to second-guess their motives or rationale.

It can't be done.

All you can do is look to how you handle things....

 

Now you can either deal with it as maturely as possible - or keep grinding your teeth.

 

Your choice.

[Roi]

You have to stop thinking about things in this way.

It really doesn't matter how she's coping with it, or that she seems to be doing better than you.

Of course she is - she dumped YOU!!

 

But if you allow anger, resentment and bitterness head-room, your recovery will be delayed even more.

 

You may be going through the pain, but don't blame her for this.

It's not on her....

She made her decision - it's not her fault you go to the same classes/school.

it is the way it is.

 

never try to second-guess their motives or rationale.

It can't be done.

All you can do is look to how you handle things....

 

Now you can either deal with it as maturely as possible - or keep grinding your teeth.

 

Your choice.

 

So you're saying that I just have to make a switch of mindset? Could it be that easy?

[TaraMaiden]

Try it.

 

When you see her, just smile, nod, and go about your business.

If the situation arises, exchange formalities with her, but don't avoid her, yet don't seek her out.

in other words, act just like any other classmate...

 

because honestly?

That's what you are.

That's what she is.

 

you had a relationship.

it ended.

The why's and wherefores are neither here nor there.

 

WE all do dumb things, inadvertently upset or hurt other people - unintentionally maybe, but we all do, at one point or another.

In matters of the heart, there is always some pain.

In time, when you meet another girl, you may find yourself in a situation where what you decide to do is going to hurt her.

Oh, you may protest now, and insist you'd never do that - but please trust me on this one.

 

In any case, there isn't a single thing on this planet - or indeed, in this universe - that doesn't have a beginning, a middle and an end.

 

be secure in the absolute truth of that, and bring an end to this self-inflicted emotional exile.