Men and money

[nycpetit]

Men and Money..how important is money to the man?

 

My ex was obsessed with it..but didn't have any of it..at the age of 30 he was getting a little too old to act that way...it was all about having the car (an expensive one mind you..he had one..but wanted a Ferrari, or what have you), the watch, the dinners, bottles of wine..we didn't really do these things...we lived in Manhattan..and I was/am in grad school, 34, transitioning from a former career...but for him...who had been formerly in the Navy, and then working in project construction management..making a good living...well, when we met he was majorly in debt.

 

The only problem was that he never told me this, until after we had the money talks, the commitment and marriage talks, and then I moved in....following which within a month I learned that he was 35k in debt. Now he whines that he didn't tell me because it he might have lost me..which I find untrue and sad. He lives in a delusional world..and the things he says he is going to do and have are so far off..he has to take cash advances, and has unpaid loans, closed out credit cards...etc...I cannot imagine living under that stress.but maintaining a charade of wealth to others..until he seemingly began to use me as the reason he had no money. But it was me who was keeping us afloat..not paying his bills mind you..but sharing way more than I should have been given the difference in our salaries.

 

I helped him to budget and immediately he turned around and did it again..he asked me to marry him and then changed his mind...he took a job elsewhere and then hated it...he yelled at me.he screamed, I screamed back..yes it was unhealthy..but i still come down to this $ factor....

 

how important is it to a man to be settled financially before becoming seriously committed to someone? I always felt that if the woman you were with was supportive of your wishes, understanding, and accepting that love would prevail....

 

how do men think?

[jenny]

this is not good.

 

i have dated men at all points on the economic spectrum - and the ones with hefty debts were just as awesome as those with hefty investments. my guy now is a little obsessed with money, and with the appearance of having money and things. i want money for living, rather than for showing, but we are working it out. (we call it the great potential child vs. boat debate. )

 

what is not good here, though, in terms of long-term possibilities, is that your guy is not dealing with the problem *realistically* and calmly. money has become an emotional issue instead of a pragmatic one, and *that* is not good. evidently money is supposed to be the number 2 reason that couples divorce, but it's obviously the attitudes and responses to it, rather than the neutral element itself.

[BklynGuy]

In my case she was understanding about money (or lack thereof). When we met I was 19, she was 20 and both in college. I went for computers, she went for teaching.

 

Her career took off, mine didn't. When the market for entry level grads went boom, I didn't cope with it well. I left my job and decided it was time to go back to school full time and choose another career path. At this point we'd been together 3 years. She wanted out and left, yet came back a week later. I got another job to keep her happy and us together. A year later the job wasn't working out as I planned. It was a job and not a career. I felt like being back in school full time was where I should be. I began making plans to go back and she left again. I don't really blame her anymore. We were together 4 1/2 years. She was working on her Masters and I didn't even have a Bachelors.

 

She said she wants to get married and I'm not in the same position in life that she is,etc. She wanted a successful guy and I was playing catch up. At this point, I'm not even interested in another relationship until my feet are on the ground or about to touch down. That way if I meet that special someone, we can take it to the next level without money being a problematic part of the equation.

[UCFKevin]

Not very.

 

I'd be Mr. Mom if I had to be. No problem with that.

 

Money is the root of all evil. Sadly, it's a necessary evil in this world.

[nycpetit]

Okay..so if your woman had more money than you, was more successful workwise, and had more job openings available to you...had put herself through school and is working on a doctorate while still covering her own expenses and helping her share of living together....

 

and you (the guy...meaning standing in the shoes of my ex) have no savings, no retirement funds, have a leased car that you cannot afford but cannot sell back, have 35k in debts, and the last three jobs you have had continue to pay less than the one before....

 

would you be feeling good about yourself..and the relationship? I mean, I suppose it depends on the person...but the "show" was everything to him..being able to order expensive bottles of wine, and buy whatever he wanted...an expensive car, and a home...but here he has credit cards that have been closed out by the bank, and like five loans, is taking cash advances..etc......he was/is a mess...

 

so if you were in that situation and with someone doing well, with no financial problems..but still not really able to afford to support both..the relationship would still be fine for you? Or as a male it would eat at you

 

be honest

[lost_in_chgo]

I'd have no problem with being mr mom or with my wife making a decent living (or staying at home with the kids for that matter).

 

What I'd have a problem with is myself if all I did was leech off of her, sit on my ass all day, and abuse every benefit I had available to me. The big "L" on my forehead would drive me crazy.

 

Really, move on, you sound like you have alot to offer. You don't need someone who is in love with your money more than with you.

 

This isn't about him being a victim of the system. It's about him making choices and prioritizing comfort and image above stability and security. He's managing things extremely poorly or just doesn't give a damn. My ex's ex husband was just like this, and he could have earned a decent living if he tried, but every time he got a little ahead, he'd go into a self centered overspending mode, then quit his job and rely on her to support him until things got too bad and she made him work. They did it several times.

 

End result...she's emotionally damaged by the whole thing, her credit is destroyed, she's in debt, he doesn't come thru with child support at the level he is supposed to, they filed bankruptcy some years ago and most importantly, he prevented her from being everything she could be and getting the things she wanted and could have had for herself and her kids (house, college, etc.).

 

All because he convinced her that he loved her, though he never acted the part. She stayed because she did love him, then made excuses for him, then felt obligated. She left because enough finally got to be enough.

 

If your guy is comfortable on the couch now, marriage probably scares the hell out of him. And frankly, if you ever did get married, he'd realize that he could do whatever he wanted and you're even less likely to leave him. Believe me it would get infinitely worse from that point.

 

When you hand someone a reason not to better themselves and they enjoy it, they just keep sticking their hand out. It's extremely rare that the type of person that seeks handouts by choice would use what they receive to get back on track, raise themselves up, and strive to stand on their own. They are looking for handouts because they are lazy. Giving them one reinforces their laziness. That's the way the world works. Unfortunately, people tend to see the lazy as victims, and the real victims as lazy.

 

Any attempt you make to put him back on track will likely result in more fights, as he will try to make you feel guilty. If it doesn't come from him, it will never be genuine.

 

Walk away from that albatross.

You could find half a dozen better men on this forum alone.

[UCFKevin]

NYC, yup. I'd be fine with it.