WaitingforRomance Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 My LDR boyfriend (30) and I (31) broke up at the end of August, after being together for almost 3 years. It was me who ended it. About a month before, we had just spent 2 weeks together, and it was amazing. When I got back home, everything was still great for 2 weeks or so, then the old habits started again; not enough contact, not sharing enough info about our daily lives with each other, him not contacting me all day, but then blowing up my phone when he would get drunk with his friends later in the evening. These had always been the main issues in our relationship, and one night I had just had enough. I felt like I was the only one actually trying, and I ended things. He was absolutely devastated, he never saw it coming, he thought we had a "beautiful relationship." He never begged for me back, but did mention that he was heartbroken, and hoped that in the future we could try again. He told me how much his life sucked now, he had nothing to live for, sent me pictures of him looking sad and crying, etc. A few days later I realised that I had made a huge mistake, that I didn't want to be without him, and wanted to work things out. I told him this, and although he didn't disagree, he didn't agree either, would make vague comments. I felt like he was playing games with my feelings, so I went NC. NC only lasted about 2 weeks, then he emailed me telling me he still loved me, and missed me, and do I even exist to him anymore, since I hadnt tried to contact him. So I let him know that I still loved him and missed him too, but didn't mention anything at the moment about getting back together or working things out. i just tried to keep our emails back and forth light and friendly. Then all of a sudden he stopped emailing me back. After 2 weeks of not hearing from him, I sent a nasty email to him (I know I should have never started the nasty messages, but too late now ). We sent a few emails back and forth, some nasty, some not, but nothing discussing anything seriously. A week or so after the emails, he starts calling me, sometimes drunk, sometimes not. He tells me how wonderful I am, how much loves me, how perfect I was, I am the most beautiul, sexy, perfect girl he has ever been with or ever seen, but then ends it with "but I know we can never be together, things will never work out, I knew it was going to end eventually." Of course I got mad after a few of these conversations and told to stop contacting me, it wasn't fair what he was doing to me. The last conversation we had, he ended it saying "ok, i love you, goodnight, sweetie." i don't know why he says these things if he doesn't want to be with me!?!? anyway, weve had LC for a few weeks now, mostly mean messages. I see now that he has a new okc account, and he just emailed me this morning, telling me to move on, and that he said he'd delete all the pictures he had of me, so stop worrying, and that I was being selfish for worrying (bc we were in a LDR, I had sent him tonnes of "sexy" pics, and a while back, I had asked him to please delete them), and that it was me who broke up with him, so I need to stop being crazy, leave him alone and move on. Of course this email left me broken hearted. Then about 20 minutes later he sends me an email with cute pictures of animals, the kind he used to send me when we were together. Why is he doing this if he wants me to leave him alone and move on!? I still love him more than anything, and don't want to be with anyone other than him. My heart is breaking more and more every day. How do I cope with this, especially knowing it was my fault for ending things in the first place? I don't want to go on dates or meet guys or hook up with anyone, the thought makes me feel sick, but this is what everyone in my life suggest I try to do. Any advice, or kind words? Sorry this is so long, and sorry if I have left out any parts that would help explain anything. My mind is like mush and I can't stop crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Two words. Codependent. ALANON. Link to post Share on other sites
PYTpisces Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Sorry I was in a long distance "relationship" for a while not long ago. Things got ugly and we went NC before it became irreparable. If the relationship was as solid and great as you say, then a bump like this wouldnt have made it spiral into such an unhealthy union. Relationships are hard as is, and at long distance, the difficulty is amplified. Texts and emails are lazy communication in my opinion. If you all need to speak again, make sure its over the phone. Otherwise, it's a terrible idea to try and have an in-depth conversation online. It sounds like space would be you guys' best friend right now, because communication became veryyyy weak and hostile. It would be a bad idea to try and mend anything right now. A pause in communication will give you time to come back to earth and see things with fresh eyes. Maybe you'll both meet back in the middle, maybe you'll see that being together isnt a good idea for the simple fact that it no longer brings out the best in you both -- no longer healthy. It doesn't mean you don't love each other. In fact, loving each other might mean letting go so that you can grow strong independently... you have to be healthy on your own before being with him, or anyone. Vice versa. Try to keep perspective and take actions that will help you gain pespective. Flogging away at a relationship that is hurting you will make matters worse. It's only worth fighting for when it doesnt hurt, and when BOTH parties are exerting equal energy to keep it running. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingforRomance Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 Thank you for your input and advice. I very much appreciate it. I don't consider myself unhealthy without him though. I was very happily single when we met, I was enjoying life and didn't want a relationship, however he won me over, and I feel madly in love with him. I know I can be happy with a single life, but I don't want that life, I want to be with him I want the life we had planned together, all the things we had discussed and wanted. Sharing these things with anyone else makes me feel sick to my stomach. I never thought our relationship was perfect. With the distance, it was hard work sometimes, but because of my love for him, I was always willing to work on things, try to build a solid foundation. I think you're right, and I need to go completely NC for now, but it's so hard. I hurt so much, and just want to be back with him more than anything in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
PYTpisces Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 :( I know this feeling. The plans and hope and wishes and everything are fiction right now though. All you have are what was and is and it serves best to live in the present and reality as much as possible. The imagination makes fantasies seem far greater than any reality would have ever been. Not that sharing your life with him wouldnt have been great, just that you don't know what it would have really been like, because that doesnt exist. Only thoughts about it do. It's a painful predicament to long for something that doesnt exist. Missing and longer for what you HAD with him is very real and perhaps you will share this with him again sometime when the air clears. You don't have to share this with anyone else now or ever, and if you ever do, it will happen in such a way that you don't see it as an unappealing endeavor. It will just be. So right now, BE in the present moment of how you feel, where you are and what your relationship has become. Its never a bad thing to remain hopeful and have faith that if its meant to be it will be so long as you stay in reality Link to post Share on other sites
thembones Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Sorry, you dumped him. Not going to find a pity party on this site as you are the .01% If you want him back, make it clear that YOU made the mistake and you don't want to live the rest of your life regretting it. That is what I would want. Yeah, because I was dumped.. thought our relationship was amazing, like your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WaitingforRomance Posted November 22, 2012 Author Share Posted November 22, 2012 Well, if you had read my post, you would have read the part where I did tell him that I made a mistake, and wanted to be with him and work things out. But I assume you just skimmed my post to see if I was the dumper or dumpee. I have been reading LS for quite some time, and i find that most people on here have empathy, whether the poster is the dumper or dumpee. I am just as heartboken as you, your feelings don't mean more than mine just because you were the dumpee. I'm sorry you were dumped, but making snarky comments to people like me isn't going to bring your ex back. My heart break is just as real and as important as yours, and in a way I feel like a dumpee as well since I pleaded for him to try and work things out with me, that I made a mistake, and he chose to play games with me, my feelings and our relationship. Thank you for the advice and the kind words from the people who actually have empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
thembones Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 I just stated a fact that 99% of people on here were dumped. I read your post all the way through by the way. I gave you advice from my point of view of what I would want my ex to do in a similar situation. I empathize with you, but maybe there is a part of me that is jealous my ex isn't feeling as you are, or have regret about leaving me. Maybe you want him back because now you cant have him? Psychology is a **tch. Link to post Share on other sites
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