with forgiving, coping and getting over cheating and being lied to

[tough love]

I am looking for some advice on getting over some news that was new to me and hoping not to get bashed or have my spouse bashed.

 

This will be long winded, so I will apologize in advance. My wife and I started dating when we were 19. We became serious pretty quick, were exclusive, fell in love and were committed and talking about being together forever really soon after we agreed to be exclusive. About 2 1/2 to 4 months after being exclusive, she had a ONS with someone she met at a party and she was under the influence. She did stop while they were in the act and regretted it. While on Christmas break, about 6 months into our exclusivity, her roommate made a comment that made me suspicious and I questioned her about it. She made up a story and became upset that I would question her, so I believed her and let it rest.

 

Fast forward 21 years and 2 kids later, she was talking in her sleep a couple of months ago and said something about cheating on me, so I questioned her about this after stewing about it for a few days. She again denied it, but did admit she had been dishonest about some other stuff. This time, I had my doubts that she was being honest so I pushed the issue and after a couple of weeks she admitted to the ONS but said she had passed out and woke up and vaguely remembered the incident. Her story wasn't making sense so I continued to press for details. About a week later, she admitted that while she was drunk, she was aware of what was happening and the guy pressured her to do it. A few days after learning she was aware, I also learned that she had lied about another party she had been to and passed out only to wake up to a guy giving her a hicky, that she briefly kissed, thinking it was me and stopped as soon as she realized it wasn't me. I believe her when she says it was a mistake that she regretted immediately. The problems I am having are the cheating, even though it happened so long ago, and the deceit.

 

For those that have been through a loved one cheating on them, how did you deal with it, forgive your mate, and get past it? I am having a hard time dealing with the cheating and feeling like she didn't love and care for me enough at the time, that it was easier for her to give into the temptation than it was to honor our committment.

 

As for the the lying about it, I feel like I was deceived, cheated of the choice 20+ years ago to decide whether or not to continue our relationship, played for a fool and led to believe that we had the perfect relationship that fairy tales are made of. I really thought we were perfect, with no lies or secrets and she would have never cheated or done anything to hurt me. Now I feel like the foundation of our relationship was based on lies and deceit.

 

I want to get past this and fix this. I know she is a good person, but the lies make it hard for me to believe her, as much as I want to, when she said these were the only two incidents. And I am having a difficult time getting over finding out the person I love and thought wouldn't lie, hurt me or cheat on me actually had and has lied to me recently.

 

Any advice from those of you that have dealt with a cheating mate and lying as to how I can get past this?

 

I realize the cheating was a LONG time ago, but the lies were recent and I didn't find out the truth until approx 3 weeks ago.

 

Thanks

[tough love]

Mina, than you for your reply.

Are you happy now and still lover her? .

 

Yes, I have always loved her and been happy with her.

 

 

Yes, it would be different if we had broken up for a month because there would have been no committment between us during that time. It's not just the cheating, but that she lied to me when I asked point blank about it back then and recently. It is a trust thing too.

 

I understand it happened a LONG time ago, but she did still lie to me recently, which has added to the trust issues. I just found out, so I have barely 3 weeks to process this and realize that I had been misled all these years. I would think it totally unreasonable for me to still be bothered to this degree if I had 21 years to process, as she has.

 

[quote=Will you let that ruin the relationship the 2 of you built over a period of time? If you have been happy with your marriage, I don't understand this :

 

 

 

Unless you have been unhappy, I don't know why you think "the foundation of the relationship" was based on lies and deceit.

 

Yes there will be a few trust issues for a bit, but I think you're taking it a bit far.

 

When I say the foundation was based on lies and deceit, I mean had she told me the truth the first time I asked her, 21 years ago, maybe I would have made some different choices, maybe not. But the choice was mine to make and had I chosen to continue the relationship, I wouldn't feel that I was deceived like I am feeling now.

 

Ultimately, I don't think it will ruin our relationship. But I am hoping to get advice on how I can better deal with this for both of our sakes and the sake of our kids. I need to move past it and I understand that.

[tough love]

She's probably pretty ashamed of what happened. That's most likely the reason it stayed under wraps for so long.

 

Yeah it stings to learn about it, but its so far in the past, and she said she regretted it.

 

Focus more on the times you've been together. You've been happy with her, so why complain about having not been able to make a choice 21 years ago. Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. Take it as a mistake and use it to become closer.

 

Thanks again Mina. Yes, I know she is ashamed of it and I understand that but it doesn't excuse it or make it any easier for me. But, I don't think she deserves the death penalty for it either. I am just saying it was wrong and I should have been told about it then or when I asked at the very least.

 

Great advice in your last paragraph and that is what I am trying to do.

[Jo5400]

tough love,

I totally get where you are at. My ex did the same thing after 8 years of marriage only he did not tell me about some other ONS he had. Through counseling, we were able to recover from the ONS he told me about. After I found out about the some of the other ONS he had, I was never able to regain the trust in him and decided I could not be married to someone I couldn't trust and who wouldn't be honest with me. We were married a little over 15 years before we divorced. At first I felt guilty for letting something from over 15 years ago lead to our divorce, but through more counseling realized he made the decision to cheat and lie about it and he was to blame not I.

 

My advice to your wife, if she reads this, is that she be forthcoming in telling you the truth about any other ONS or affairs and answer any questions you have with total transparency. I wanted to know specific info regarding the ONS. There should be no questions off limit as they relate to your relationship.

 

Some people will be less sympathetic to you because you are a male since it happened so long ago, but you do have reason to be upset over the ONS and lies. Those were the formative years of both of your lives and you made decisions that affect the rest of your life based on what you knew and believed to be true. A female in your position would get more sympathy and the guy would be the SOB. Keep this in mind as you work at healing.

 

I wish you and your wife the best of luck in resolving these issues she has caused.

[tough love]

tough love,

I totally get where you are at. My ex did the same thing after 8 years of marriage only he did not tell me about some other ONS he had. Through counseling, we were able to recover from the ONS he told me about. After I found out about the some of the other ONS he had, I was never able to regain the trust in him and decided I could not be married to someone I couldn't trust and who wouldn't be honest with me. We were married a little over 15 years before we divorced. At first I felt guilty for letting something from over 15 years ago lead to our divorce, but through more counseling realized he made the decision to cheat and lie about it and he was to blame not I.

 

My advice to your wife, if she reads this, is that she be forthcoming in telling you the truth about any other ONS or affairs and answer any questions you have with total transparency. I wanted to know specific info regarding the ONS. There should be no questions off limit as they relate to your relationship.

 

Some people will be less sympathetic to you because you are a male since it happened so long ago, but you do have reason to be upset over the ONS and lies. Those were the formative years of both of your lives and you made decisions that affect the rest of your life based on what you knew and believed to be true. A female in your position would get more sympathy and the guy would be the SOB. Keep this in mind as you work at healing.

 

I wish you and your wife the best of luck in resolving these issues she has caused.

 

Thanks Jo. I have stressed how important it is to get everything out and resolve any issues now. I don't want us to have to go through this again in the future.