Have been dreaming of ex- almost daily? Should I consult psychiatrist?

[SB]

I was very heart broken and torn when my ex-bf (fiance) broke up with me 2 months ago. We'd commited to each other and were indeed discussing and planning for our future ...kids, our living.etc and even we've started to have some shared financial investment.

 

It sounded reasonably well with our relationship on one side. Unfortunately on the other, he was in fact involved in a "triangulation". Not with other woman but indeed with his parents He was the only son, still living with his parents and had never left home for over a month (he is 34 years old). The three of them were seriously dependent on each other emotionally (the parents had no friends at all). I well respect this fact and had been carefully trying to become their "family member" and was pretty well accepted by the parents initially. However things changed when the parents started to feel insecure that they will lose their son as a result of him getting married to me soon. His parents would call and state to me that it was always 3 of them happily together, even said I shouldn't appear in "their" special ocassion such as the dad's birthday (they prefer to celebrate 3 of them together as usual). I didn't tell my bf about all these as I knew he would confront his parents, then things could get even complicated. I thought the parents were just "sick" for some time and would get over very soon.

 

Things didn't get any better unfortunately and I was constantly having hard time from the parents where my bf still had no hint at all. Then when my bf told me that we must live together with his parents after married, I rejected immediately. Then I told him those communications his parents and I had before, I only wanted him to understand how I feel and asked him never go confront his parents on this matter. Well then days later, he wanted just be friends and broke up with me. He said neither could he leave his parents nor could he make me happy to move in their parents house after married. He didn't want to sit in a difficult situation for the whole life. In addition, he said his parents did not admit they had done anything bad to me all along. They had always loved me and nice to me.

 

I had never realized that he was indeed deeply caught in a triangle, it was so hurtful to see he indeed didn't love me enough that he would do something for me. Even we shared so much along in our relationship, established our bondings to each other....as compared to the "other" relationship, I was the first thing he gave me up, not even want to work things out with me. This was a sad ending and knowing that I wouldn't want to be with this guy anymore, I have no contact with him at all ever since, I have screened calls and got on trips that no way he could find me. After grieving for some time, I had moved on, expanding my social group and meeting new friends. I figure that I have to live on happily and I so much want to "recover" as soon as possible. However his shadow was still around me, I was so afraid to bump into him on the street. I even changed my routines so as to avoid any chances of seeing him. I knew I had ready got thru certain period but I still suffering from dreaming him at night, even when I was taking a short nap. Then I always waked up depressed and empty, I have tried to divert attention and do different things but still. Do you think I should consult a psychiatrist or could you share how I could cope with this?

[BklynGuy]

It may be for the best that you are out of that relationship. How long were you together? How long have you been apart? If this man is financially secure and cannot move out of his parents home, that is a red flag. I don't know if you should consult a psych. I did after my ex broke up w/me but now I realize some of the things I have disclosed may come back to bite me in the behind. Time will heal you. Just take it one day at a time.

[Evanescence]

Hi, just a comment about the dreaming

My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago, but proposed a break a month ago. The dreams started as ones where we were back together. He would tell me that things were better and that everything was ok. I had a dream where he even woke me up in the middle of the night by calling me and i picked up and he just said "i miss you"... since it was a dream about me waking up and still being in bed, it seemed even more realistic, and when i really woke up and still had my hand to my ear, but no phone in it, i was really depressed. These dreams kept me in bed for hours longer than i should have been. Then I told myself to stop dreaming like this. To start dreaming more realistically. Then my dreams went to the complete opposite from before. I dreamt that he told me that there was someone else that he had been seeing since before we broke up and that they had slept together. I also had dreams where he was treating me like absolute **** and i still followed him like a lost puppy. I would wake up every morning in tears. Now i'm telling myself to just stop dreaming about him all together. It's only been a few days since i told myself that, but i'm having dreams now that don't involve him, or at least are not centered on him. So waking up to harsh reality isn't so much a factor, accept for the fact that I wake up I get the separating anxiety thing. He was always the first thing i thought of when i woke up in the morning. Knowing that i had his love and companionship made me get up and feel happy. Now that i don't have it i wake up and think "aw s**t... i don't want to go through another day like this." And i get depressed, but then realize that i have to get my butt out of bed and make something of myself.

ANyway, the dreams are entirely normal. I AM seeing a counsellor however. But i've been seeing her ever since i first started having suspicions that he was going to break up with me. She said it is entirely normal and to be expected. They will fade eventually. Don't worry.

[SB]

Thank you for sharing. I knew exactly how you felt about the separating anxiety thing during wake up each day. I also suffered the same for weeks and then I took sleeping pills for some time because the midnight "heart attacking" awakening was killing me. Now I had got pass such period, sleep well (no sleeping pills anymore) despite all the shadows of him in my dream. I really love this guy but for such a stupid decision (his parents) he wanted to breakup with me.

 

The only conclusion I could draw is that he doesn't love me that much. Being together for a year, living together for a short while (the only time he lived with someone else other than his parents), sharing our goals and futures together, then it was just a joke. There is no way this could compare to the bondings that the family has established for over 30 years. My question is if he couldn't be independent, why want a serious relationship with me? Why gave me all the fantasies of a future family between he and I ? or perhaps is my misunderstanding to the definition of family and that should be he and I and his parents!!

 

He wanted to stay friends with me but what for?! For such a mid-30 man who finally chose his parents and gave me up, rather than to work things out together with me (and that he could perhaps get all of us), what is the point to stay friends with him? This is just so heart-breaking to see him chose his parents over me.

 

I made myself not to look back because I felt regret of falling in love with this person. I have several serious relationship in my life but I never felt like so in-love like this time. Perhaps, it will be easier for me to accept that the fact that he loves some woman else but definitely not the parents. I mean I also love my parents but definitely not the way he is. This is just so sick and I want to make myself to stop loving this person and if there is some drugs to take to forget about everything with him, I will definitely take it.