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Clinical depression + breakup of an ltr

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 18th June 2012, 7:45 AM   #1
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Clinical depression + breakup of an ltr

My 8 year relationship came to an end about 3 months ago. I'm of course dealing with the "appropriate" emotions. My ex ended up as the dumper. I feel heartbroken, hurt, angry and rejected, as is to be expected. I'm in mourning of a relationship I once thought would last forever. I dream about him touching someone else and cry most of the next day. I find it hard to believe he didn't have someone waiting on the sidelines to take my place, even though he claimed otherwise. He kissed someone else less than a week after our breakup, which felt like such a betrayal and so disrespectful, even though he was my ex at that point. I can't imagine myself with anyone but him and I love and miss him deeply, yet I do not want him back because I know it would never work out. Obviously I'm not over him, and won't be for a long time. Safe to say I'm confused, as I guess anyone would be in this situation.

Unfortunately, I also suffer from severe clinical depression. Getting to terms with my illness and trying to find a way to handle it cast a shadow over the relationship, especially towards the end. I'm still trying to understand the illness myself. One of the biggest issues was that I was on an unsuitable medication that was poorly monitored. It worked at first but eventually numbed my emotions and my libido, which you can imagine is not exactly ideal in a relationship. And as it was the first antidepressant I was ever on, it took me a long time to realize it was the culprit to many of my problems, even somatic ones. After weaning off the drug I've gotten my emotions and desires back and I'm finding it incredibly hard to cope with the breakup and who I had become while on the drug. It doesn't help that I plunged straight back to depression after the drug had left my system (although I'm getting proper help now so that's a plus). I feel like I have so much explaining to do but my ex will have none of it. I know it's his right. I've told him I don't want to get back together or manipulate him, I just want to explain my illness now that I understand it better. My hope is he would look at some things differently; I'm not trying to win him back but I'd like him to know that some things have been out of my control. He doesn't care. As I said, I know he has no duty to care about what I say or do anymore, but it still hurts. I also know he's probably hurting as well and talking to me might make it worse. So I'm trying to understand where he's at right now, while hoping he would do the same for me. It seems unlikely he'll talk to me again so I'm trying to keep some dignity and leave him alone. Is it wrong that I find his approach cruel? I wish he would have said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, instead of just cutting contact without explanation. Make no mistake, I get the message loud and clear. I just find it extremely unkind from someone with whom I've shared so much.

I know it's common to use depression as an excuse. I'm not trying to do that. I've made many mistakes that have nothing to do with the illness or the medication. I know I wasn't the only one in the relationship and it always takes two to make it work or fall apart. That said, there are so many things that do connect directly and indirectly to my depression or medication (or both). I guess I just feel like so many things are unfair right now. I can't help being ill. I wasn't able to predict the drug backfiring on me. I can't take back the way I was when I was on it. I know it's unhealthy and unproductive, but my mind is filled with regret and what ifs. I also resent my ex for what he does instinctively - pushing difficult issues away until they blow up in your face. I guess in the end he didn't really support me with anything that felt uncomfortable to him (a huge red flag, I know). What he's doing now (completely ignoring me) feels like him just keeping up with the pattern. I try so hard to see both sides and I really want to learn from this and learn from the mistakes that have been made. At the same time I feel empty and lost.

Thank you to anyone who's taken the time to read this. For the most part I think I just wanted to rant. But if anyone happens to be in a situation anywhere near mine or has some input otherwise, I would greatly appreciate it. It would be nice just knowing someone has gone through something similar.
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Old 18th June 2012, 9:43 AM   #2
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I can't offer too much here but you have my sympathy. I wish you the best in your healing and coming to acceptance that what happened has happened. Hopefully you will learn from this experience and through that knowledge the same issues won't appear later in your life.
"When all choices seem wrong, choose restraint."
"If no mistake have you made, yet losing you are a different game you should play."
"If in anger you answer, then in shame you dwell." - Master Yoda
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Old 18th June 2012, 10:54 AM   #3
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I can totally relate to your position Mary. I've suffered from the same illness, or perhaps "merely" from dysthmia, for most of my life. It certainly contributed to acts/behavior that led to my breakup many years back. One which I still haven't gotten over.

There are so many external factors that would make a person in my situation unhappy. To have this on top of it is a heavy burden to carry alone. But... I guess at least I live in a first-world country where I don't have to worry about access to food or clean water, etc.
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