The end of a 5yr relationship

[Elysium]

My boyfriend of 5yrs broke up with me just before Christmas last year. Although I knew we had communication problems and I had tried to break up several times before, when he decided to really end the relationship, I was shocked and completely devastated.

 

I did the typical crying, begging and pleading. I knew it was hurting him to break up with me but I didn't feel that I truly understood his reasons. I do understand the communication issue, but he tacked on "feeling pressure from the relationship" and "wanting freedom" too. I don't believe that he explained to me what he meant by "pressure"…

 

I saw him once after we broke up and he was cold and distant. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say and told me that his decision was final. He did say that if we were meant to be, it would happen. He didn't rule out the possibility of reconciliation (in a phone conversation two weeks later, he had made comments such as "I'll think about it" and get back to you" and "I may reconsider").

 

For the first two and half weeks after we broke up, he would call me now and again just to see how I was doing. (We said that we wanted to be friends). I then realised that the phone conversations were making me feel worse because it felt like I was hanging in hope and he was subconsciously stringing me along. It didn't feel like I knew him anymore…

 

So I decided to cut phone contact with him. I asked him to let me be the one who makes the next phone call and with that decision, I also decided to move on. I knew there was no benefit for me in talking to/seeing him and I wasn't going to wait around for him anymore. Against my wishes, he tried to call me numerous times last week – to which I did not respond (I did send him a casual email apologising for missing his calls and wished him well so as to maintain the amicability). I'm still deeply in love with him but I accept that the relationship is over. Letting go has been difficult but at the same time, it lifts such a burden from my heart. I feel so much at ease when I don't have to worry about his feelings or thoughts and let time unravel the future.

 

He left me with many questions unanswered and to ponder over them would surely drive me insane. I can let them go… The only thing I have difficulty accepting is the love factor i.e. there was no indication whatsoever that his feelings had lessened, so how can it just end forever? He even told me that his love for me was unchanged, except that he felt we had too many problems and he was feeling too much 'pressure". It just seems like he snapped all of a sudden and decided to end the relationship abruptly. However, this is very out of character for him because he would never make such critical decisions without thorough reflection.

 

As I've mentioned before, I accept the break up and believe that it was meant to happen. I realise that I was very unhappy with the way I was in the relationship and it gave me a chance to evaluate what went wrong (from my own point of view). I'm just dumbfounded that he can just call it quits forever after 5yrs. We've never broken up before and overall had a very loving and successful relationship. It just makes me really angry that he ended the relationship without warning and that he will never give it another chance. It's not that I hope he'll come back to me, it just feels wrong to end a 5yr relationship this way.

 

Most of the time I feel okay because I'm clear with my direction (which is why I don't want any contact with him) but just now and again, that anger comes back. I know, I know, it's all about time and patience… *rolls eyes*

 

Thanks for reading! Any comments would be much appreciated.

[LuvSick]

I feel sorry and I know its very painful to lose someone after being with him for 5 years, I too am in this situation. at first I didnt want her back until we did not say in contact for weeks.My advice is to stop all contact with him...and maybe he will come back running...that is if you want to work it out. I really hope it will work out for you guys. My valentines will be so sad

[calithin83]

im sorry to hear that, i bet it must be hard to cope with a loss of a 5 year relationship, ive been with my bf for 3 years and i really dont wanna think about how it be to break up because of how much i love him and feel good when hes near me but u gotta be strong and if he made this decision u need to try to just have some time alone, focus on things other then him, i know this will be difficult because maybe when uw ere with him everything centered between him and you, but now you have a chance to be stronger and maybe even a new and better person.

 

I also would be shocked, scared, and mad if my bf broke up with me for no real apparent reason but then again i would find some relief in the saying "if its meant to be its meant" i truly believe in that, i think that when something is meant to be it will happen regardless, sooner or later , but when things are not meant to be well they just arent.

 

 

just enjoy yourself now, he might one day come back but dont stick to hope, if he doesnt then a better man will come along (even if u dont think so right now)....

 

maybe 5 years together withhout a breakup became overwhelming for him, maybe he just needs some time apart from you to see how he really feels about you, i know some people who broek up for a long time and later met up again and got married, sometimes this is the case, soemtimes not...its better he broke up with u rather then hurt u by being unfaitful or lying to u or pretending to be a bf, he probably loves u alot that he thinks it best to call it quits...

 

just hang in there and goodluck with whatever happens, no matter what dont doubt yourself nor blame yourself for anything that has happened!

[photoshop]

I'm devastated and very hurt that my relationship ended. I thought we were a success and a great match

a good balance, no fights, much respect on both parts, TONS of love etc.

 

 

There were communication problems on both of our parts. She was loud and fun but quiet and it was hard for her to bring anything up that was serious or issues regarding us. I was open, but i'd be afraid to bring stuff up because I knew it always made her uncomfortable to talk about serious issues, so sometimes i'd let things go not bring them up(mistake)

But i always tried to talk about our communication and ask her to tell me anything that was bugging her And I'd do the same.

 

Anyway, I know to this day she loves me and I love her SOOO much still. But she left me to seek other things. I just have never understood why if it was good, how she could put "us" behind her just like that. She's still not given me a real solid answer other than "I just can't get feelings of wanting to be free out of my mind, Yet when i'm free, away from you, I miss you so Bad"

 

I recently stopped contacting her just to give myself some space from feeling down, hurt, crying here and there(i'm a man, but I have a heart, so i cry) Ever since i stopped, she hasn't called me. But What can I do? I got to live my life. Life must go on.

Maybe were not meant to understand.

[missingher]

It's good to cut off all contact for awhile. I had a 4 year relationship end only 8 months ago. I was having a really difficult time at first, b/c I didn't have any closure. Kind of like you, she just told me that she needed to go, and that we had too many problems, but didn't say what. Finally just lately, I started emailing her and got some closure. I just kept poking until she got angry and finally said the things she should have said when we broke up. The things she cited for the break up were my fault she said, and she attacked my character ,however, I see them as more her own fault. This brought about alot of anger, and now, the anger is finally helping me to want to get her out of my mind and is helping alot. You need closure, so after things cool off, try emailing him, and pry for specific reasons. He may not want to give specific reasons in fear that it will hurt you. So you have to demand it, and be prepared if it hurts. But the hurt will help you get over him, it will give you closure, and that's what you need and deserve. He doesn't love you, at least not the way you love him, and the time you've spent together means nothing. It gets easier. Just trust yourself and never think that it's your fault. It just happens.

[BklynGuy]

Unfortunately, it is possible that you missed some of the "warning" signs that usually appear before a breakup. You tried to break it off with him before several times... then obviously something wasn't right in the relationship for both of you. Sometimes you see it coming but cannot face it or are angry that you're the dumpee instead of dumper. When a female constantly tries to END a relationship, it's a WARNING and even though your ex stayed w/you, that doesn't mean he didn't recognize the fact you were trying to get out.

 

I was in a similar situation last year. My gf of 4 1/2 years dumped me 1 week before my b-day. I too was devastated @ the time! The funny thing is that I saw it coming, It was coming for about a year. She slowly began to pull away after breaking up w/me and getting back together. She was ready to end it before I was. But just before she broke it off, I felt the same way.... I just didn't have the heart to dump her. I don't think I could've ever done that even though I knew she was cheating. We were both @ the same point mentally, she was the first to let go. The anger, and misery are normal. It may be best that you' re not together anymore. Live your life and move on.

[Codmate]

Originally posted by photoshop

I'm devastated and very hurt that my relationship ended. I thought we were a success and a great match

a good balance, no fights, much respect on both parts, TONS of love etc.

 

 

There were communication problems on both of our parts. She was loud and fun but quiet and it was hard for her to bring anything up that was serious or issues regarding us. I was open, but i'd be afraid to bring stuff up because I knew it always made her uncomfortable to talk about serious issues, so sometimes i'd let things go not bring them up(mistake)

But i always tried to talk about our communication and ask her to tell me anything that was bugging her And I'd do the same.

 

Anyway, I know to this day she loves me and I love her SOOO much still. But she left me to seek other things. I just have never understood why if it was good, how she could put "us" behind her just like that. She's still not given me a real solid answer other than "I just can't get feelings of wanting to be free out of my mind, Yet when i'm free, away from you, I miss you so Bad"

 

I recently stopped contacting her just to give myself some space from feeling down, hurt, crying here and there(i'm a man, but I have a heart, so i cry) Ever since i stopped, she hasn't called me. But What can I do? I got to live my life. Life must go on.

Maybe were not meant to understand.

This sounds so similar to my situation right now.

 

I broke up with my ex (of 6 years) 8 months ago and last night she told me she was finally seeing somebody else. The reasons for the break-up were vauge and unspoken, but we both realised the relationship wasn't working as it should.

 

Like you we weren't communicating, weren't spending much time together anymore and it just felt 'stale'. I hadn't fully accepted that it was over though until last night. In-fact, when we first split we never said that it was over for good, which I guess was a mistake. We just moved to seperate places, and I kind of felt like we might get back together one day.

 

I can't believe how upset I feel about it now. I feel like I should have gone through all this at the time, but for various reasons I didn't.

 

I just can't get away from this feeling of tremendous loss.

I can't see the reasons for the break up any more, they have all fallen away and I can't help but dwell on the things that made our relationship so strong.

 

The world has seemed so gray and lifeless since we've been apart, I can't take joy in anything. I'm currently feeling ok one minute and like I can't cope and want to break down and cry the next.

 

Opening up on this forum has helped alot though, and thanks again to everybody for their advice and understanding.

[julieg]

i was the girl who dumped the bf of over 4 years. i did it with no real discussion. i just said to him "this is not working anymore". i knew it was coming for a long time before i actually ended it, he knew maybe the last month or two. we never sat down and discussed the problems we had and here lies the problem. this happened many years ago (more than 10 and less than 40) sooner or later there will come a time in the dumpers life or dumpees life when this issue will resurface and it will be too late!!!! please communicate now when your mind is clear and you still have a chance to settle your mind once and for all. it is so much harder having regrets years later after you both have moved on!!!!!