Bailey14 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) Two weeks ago today my 50 year old sister died from metastatic ocular melanoma to the liver. I am experiencing such a stew of emotions that I don't know what to do. Six years ago M was diagnosed with ocular melanoma, treated with something called plaque radiation, and presumably "cured." What I did not know is there was a 50/50 chance that within 5-10 years she would die from metastatic liver cancer. In March she was diagnosed with the cancer and she died 38 days later! I still cannot wrap my head around how rapidly she died. I am angry, I am grief-stricken, I feel guilty, and I am so scared this sadness will never go away. My brain knows it will.....my heart just isn't convinced. I am trying to cope but, the tears just won't stop. I have lost both parents, both sets of grandparents, a cousin I was very close to.......I know from those losses that I will recover but, right now it feels so bleak. God, how long does the raw grief last???? Edited May 3, 2012 by Bailey14 Misspelling
Mr Scorpio Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. My mother passed away a little over nine years ago from a sudden heart-attack. Being an only child has made the coping process that much more difficult over the years. There are no easy answers as to how long you will grieve. Truthfully, you will probably do so on some level for the rest of your life. You've posted here for support, which I think is good. If you have a spouse, other siblings, or friends you can lean on for support, don't be shy about doing so. If you have insurance or savings, counseling is also a good idea.
KathyM Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds like you've had quite a bit to deal with. It takes time to emotionally process the loss. It's only been two weeks, but if you feel you need extra help or that there has been more than you can deal with on your own, it would be a good idea to seek counseling. There are specific counselors who even specialize in grief counseling. I would recommend it. I would also suggest reaching out to other friends and family members to give you emotional support right now, or you could talk to a clergy person as well. Those are all people who could help you through this. Reaching out to others is the way to help process the loss.
Author Bailey14 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 Thank you, folks. I do have a therapist and I am going to be attending a bereavement support group sponsored by the hospice my sister died at. I have wonderfully supportive friends and a sister who is my best friend. The issue I am dealing with that causes me terrible guilt is the fact that my sister was mentally ill......paranoia/depression".....and she drove me crazy most of her life. I am riddled with guilt about every time I told her she could not come visit me. I would make up excuses because I could not deal with the drama she brought into my life. I would dread the holidays because I knew she would extend her visit beyond my capacity to tolerate her paranoia. You know the old saying.......if I knew then what I know now.......I just never expected to outlive any of my siblings. As the oldest, I always thought the 4 younger ones would be mourning my passing.
KathyM Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Thank you, folks. I do have a therapist and I am going to be attending a bereavement support group sponsored by the hospice my sister died at. I have wonderfully supportive friends and a sister who is my best friend. The issue I am dealing with that causes me terrible guilt is the fact that my sister was mentally ill......paranoia/depression".....and she drove me crazy most of her life. I am riddled with guilt about every time I told her she could not come visit me. I would make up excuses because I could not deal with the drama she brought into my life. I would dread the holidays because I knew she would extend her visit beyond my capacity to tolerate her paranoia. You know the old saying.......if I knew then what I know now.......I just never expected to outlive any of my siblings. As the oldest, I always thought the 4 younger ones would be mourning my passing. It's hard to be around people who have a mental illness, even if they are a close relative. You shouldn't feel guilty for trying to limit your time with her if being around her was very difficult for you. The fact that you are grieving the loss shows that you cared about her. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself permission to be human. 2
Ms. Red Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Hi Bailey, I was thinking about you and went searching to see if you came back after the thread lock. I'm so sorry about your sister. I know the grief is fresh and new. It will ease with time as you know. Just take it one day at a time. Do you still have your other sister with you so you two can grieve together? It helps to have close family around if you can. I want you to know that I'm thinking and praying for you and your family. [[[[HUGS]]]] 1
Author Bailey14 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Hi Bailey, I was thinking about you and went searching to see if you came back after the thread lock. I'm so sorry about your sister. I know the grief is fresh and new. It will ease with time as you know. Just take it one day at a time. Do you still have your other sister with you so you two can grieve together? It helps to have close family around if you can. I want you to know that I'm thinking and praying for you and your family. [[[[HUGS]]]] Oh, my dear, thank you so much. I have experienced a great deal of loss in my life so while my head tells me that healing will come, my heart is not completely convinced. And, yes, K is with me and she is such a comfort. Tomorrow is M's b- day and we are going to take a cake and balloons to the hospice to share with the folks who took such good care of her as she was dying.
Lostinlife4now Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Bailey....so glad you came back to LS...There are such wonderful people on here who will and can help you. It has only been 2 weeks honey...give yourself a break! You will probably NEVER get over M death...but you WILL come to handle it. I told you about my son...18 years...and I am still trying to HANDLE it.... I have gotten to know you in the last month, and let me tell you something...you are ONE HELL OF A LADY!!!!! You have alot of spunk...and what you don't know is you have helped me also.... You will get through this. I will help you! We all will help you! Life isn't what happens to you but for you!!! Heard that somewhere can't remember though! Lean on me....and all of us. So glad the thread close did not scare you away....Now let's get in touch with Frozen Sprouts...... Love to you, Lost........................... 3
Author Bailey14 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 Lost, you touch my heart! Thank you for your support......you are a very special lady. I cannot, however, imagine how I've helped you. My grief has been so all-consuming. Anyhow, tomorrow is M's birthday. I know you didn't know her but, give her a thought or two. I don't want K and me to be the only people who observe her birthday.
Chacha8 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Two weeks ago today my 50 year old sister died from metastatic ocular melanoma to the liver. I am experiencing such a stew of emotions that I don't know what to do. Six years ago M was diagnosed with ocular melanoma, treated with something called plaque radiation, and presumably "cured." What I did not know is there was a 50/50 chance that within 5-10 years she would die from metastatic liver cancer. In March she was diagnosed with the cancer and she died 38 days later! I still cannot wrap my head around how rapidly she died. I am angry, I am grief-stricken, I feel guilty, and I am so scared this sadness will never go away. My brain knows it will.....my heart just isn't convinced. I am trying to cope but, the tears just won't stop. I have lost both parents, both sets of grandparents, a cousin I was very close to.......I know from those losses that I will recover but, right now it feels so bleak. God, how long does the raw grief last???? Your post broke my heart. I cannot imagine what you are going through and how hard this must be for you. I hope you find that time will help you heal. Although things seem bleak for you at the moment, just remember your sister will always remain with you in memories and spirit. I am just so sorry you are going through this terrible pain. (((big hug)))
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Two weeks ago today my 50 year old sister died from metastatic ocular melanoma to the liver. I am experiencing such a stew of emotions that I don't know what to do. Six years ago M was diagnosed with ocular melanoma, treated with something called plaque radiation, and presumably "cured." What I did not know is there was a 50/50 chance that within 5-10 years she would die from metastatic liver cancer. In March she was diagnosed with the cancer and she died 38 days later! I still cannot wrap my head around how rapidly she died. I am angry, I am grief-stricken, I feel guilty, and I am so scared this sadness will never go away. My brain knows it will.....my heart just isn't convinced. I am trying to cope but, the tears just won't stop. I have lost both parents, both sets of grandparents, a cousin I was very close to.......I know from those losses that I will recover but, right now it feels so bleak. God, how long does the raw grief last???? You're going through so much and have suffered a lot of loss in your life, so losing your sister makes this more painful. All I can say is, and sorry this is so cliche - Time heals all wounds. Let yourself feel the emotion of being sad. Let yourself cry.. Grieving is a process that has to happen so healing can follow next..Though there's no time limit on this. You'll have some bad and rough days, then you'll have some better days. Rely on your friends and other family that you have. Post here too, so many people understand the pain of losing someone you love. Be comforted that you were there for her during that time and at the end. She's at peace now and didn't suffer long. I remember when my father died, I felt exactly like you do now. More or less the same question, when will the tears slow down, when will this intense pain stop, when will I feel better.. It just happens. Bailey, you also might benefit to go see a grief counsellor too. Hang in there and every day try to do something fun. Even if you feel like shi.t, make yourself watch a funny movie, or call a friend to go out and have girl time, be silly and laugh. Distraction and keeping busy also helps as it's not good to isolate and focus on just the pain. Lots of hugs to you and I hope this helps. 3
findingnemo Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I'm so sorry for your loss, Bailey. By the time I got to your other thread, it was locked. I hate cancer. It just seems so damn random and inexplicable. One thing about death is that you can't rush the healing process...as I'm sure you already know. Apart from what you're doing - reaching out here, spending time with your other sister, joining a grief counseling group and talking to a therapist- it's pretty much a question of taking it one day at a time. I will keep you in my prayers that you may find the strength and endurance you need to get through this. That you may begin to remember the good times and find meaning in them and also that you may accept that it is as it is. ((((Hugs)))) 1
frozensprouts Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Hi Bailey, glad you have come back...your thread really touched a lot of people, and I think that it not only helped you, but you helped a lot of people too...your thread reminded me not to take the time I have with those I love for granted...I'm a very lucky person to have them, and I have tried to let them know... Bailey, it sounds like you feel a lot of guilt because of some things in the past with you and your sister. You can't change the past, but I really believe that your sister knew you love her, and that she loved you too. She would want you to let go of the guilt...I don't think she'd be happy knowing that you felt bad...I know it's had, but please try and find some way to forgive yourself...I think your sister would want you to go on in your life, to be happy and remember the good times the two of you had together you did your best for your sister...you have nothing to feel guilty about
Author Bailey14 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 Thank you all. I mend a little bit everyday......and I know I will get better. Life without M will never be the same. I worried about her all the time and now I can free up that energy to accomplish other things. Interestingly enough, I have been sleeping really well since M passed. Before she died I would lay in bed every night and worry about her......her finances, her mental illness, her isolation, etc, etc, etc. I keep trying to remember that I will never have to worry about her again. She is at peace, she is with our Mom. (I don't know if I shared this with all of you.......M died on the 44th anniversary of our Mother's suicide.....if that isn't a sign from God I wouldn't recognize a sign if it bit me on the butt!!!!) Anyhow, today is M's birthday......wish her well, please. 1
Lostinlife4now Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Lost, you touch my heart! Thank you for your support......you are a very special lady. I cannot, however, imagine how I've helped you. My grief has been so all-consuming. Anyhow, tomorrow is M's birthday. I know you didn't know her but, give her a thought or two. I don't want K and me to be the only people who observe her birthday. Hi Bailey! I usually wake up early and I say the rosary...Tomorrow it will be for M. But I don't think she needs it...WE NEED IT! She is with the Lord....we are in hell on earth! Love you!!!!
Lostinlife4now Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Lost, you touch my heart! Thank you for your support......you are a very special lady. I cannot, however, imagine how I've helped you. My grief has been so all-consuming. Anyhow, tomorrow is M's birthday. I know you didn't know her but, give her a thought or two. I don't want K and me to be the only people who observe her birthday. Hi Bailey!!!! I usually wake up early and say the rosary...I will say it for M tomorrow.....But I don't think she needs it...She is with the Lord!! WE NEED IT...we are living in hell on earth! Love you!
pureinheart Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Two weeks ago today my 50 year old sister died from metastatic ocular melanoma to the liver. I am experiencing such a stew of emotions that I don't know what to do. Six years ago M was diagnosed with ocular melanoma, treated with something called plaque radiation, and presumably "cured." What I did not know is there was a 50/50 chance that within 5-10 years she would die from metastatic liver cancer. In March she was diagnosed with the cancer and she died 38 days later! I still cannot wrap my head around how rapidly she died. I am angry, I am grief-stricken, I feel guilty, and I am so scared this sadness will never go away. My brain knows it will.....my heart just isn't convinced. I am trying to cope but, the tears just won't stop. I have lost both parents, both sets of grandparents, a cousin I was very close to.......I know from those losses that I will recover but, right now it feels so bleak. God, how long does the raw grief last???? God bless you Bailey....it can last for a long time. It does lessen with time, but for me, even many years later, when I am reminded in some way of that loved one that passed it all can come rushing back as if no time has passed. I would suggest a grief support group, they can guide you through the process at your pace as there are stages of grief... Please keep us updated if you can as each stage can be heartwrenching...you have my thoughts and prayers my love....we will be here for you....(((((((((((hugs))))))))))).....
Author Bailey14 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 My sister and I will be attending a bereavement support group beginning a week from today......sponsored by the Hospice she died at. And I also have a therapist who has been very helpful. Each and every day gets easier and I know I will be OK. Thank you for all the love and support.
Author Bailey14 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Five weeks have passed and I am rejoicing that my heart is mending a tiny bit everyday. I have returned to work and slowly getting back to all of my routines. I still cry everyday but, I am not as fragile as I was.
worldgonewrong Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Five weeks have passed and I am rejoicing that my heart is mending a tiny bit everyday. I have returned to work and slowly getting back to all of my routines. I still cry everyday but, I am not as fragile as I was. God bless you, Bailey, during this time. Know that you are loved.
Recommended Posts