loveshots Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) What did you feel after you said all of those things to her? Have you felt a relief? I am a girl, and woooow that kind of break-up could really tear me apart. Seriously, do you still love her while saying those things to her? Edited April 23, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Post merged from thread starter's other earlier duplicate thread.
Philosoraptor Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I've had my heart broken and I've broken hearts. Even though I ended things my heart still feels shattered and I just want to disappear. It started off really good and we had a lot of fun together. Feelings were there but things started to sour after awhile. In the end we just couldn't give each other what the other needed. She could tell that I was unfulfilled with the relationship, but I wanted desperately to be as she was truly one of the most caring people that I have ever met. I was slowly pulling away but pushing myself closer just trying to wait it out and see if things would change with time... sadly they didn't. When I finally knew things were not going to change I started the talk... hardest thing I had ever done. Looking someone in the eye, who is a wonderful person and you truly do care about, and telling them that the relationship has run its course. She did everything I'm sure I did in the past. She begged and said she'd accept less from me if that meant getting to keep me; but I couldn't do that. I know I couldn't ever accept not being able to give all of myself to someone, and with her I just couldn't. She kept saying she didn't want me to be with anyone else and I told her I know I need time alone long before I could ever consider another relationship. I let her know that I have a lot of work to do on myself and that I still am unsure of what I want out of life in the end. And though I was able to heal from my past breakup I can tell now that I still did not take enough time to reestablish myself after that. In the end I offered her no false hope. Even when she asked questions trying to get the false hope, I responded with something in the line of "I'm not going to allow myself to give you any false hope that will stop you from healing". I know how much false hope hurts and I am unwilling to do anything that will stunt anyone else's healing. Even though I can tell that it was a bad match, it still breaks my heart to have brought pain to someone who truly is a good and caring person. But man, it's not always easy to take your own advice right after a breakup.
Thatguyintx Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I have no advice, but it appears you broke it off with class. You showed respect for both of you, but were firm. Chin up. You are a good person. Now go do that work on yourself. 2
HeavenOrHell Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 It can be just as hard for the person who's leaving, you wanted things to change and they didn't, so you had no choice, doesn't mean it's what you wanted the outcome to be, or that it is easy for you walk away Good for you for being so sensitive towards her
Philosoraptor Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I have no advice, but it appears you broke it off with class. You showed respect for both of you, but were firm. Chin up. You are a good person. Now go do that work on yourself. I did try my best to give her everything I would have liked in the past. A clear cut reason, no false hope, and no hard feelings. I can say that it hurt more to hurt her than I can remember hurting in the years of emotional abuse I had in the past. I can take pain well but it hurts in a different way when you know you have to break someone's heart. It can be just as hard for the person who's leaving, you wanted things to change and they didn't, so you had no choice, doesn't mean it's what you wanted the outcome to be, or that it is easy for you walk away Good for you for being so sensitive towards her I wanted so much to comfort her but I know that would have done nothing but drag things out and offer false hope where there is none. We got to know each other on a deep level, but the compatibilty slipped away the more we got to know one another. Just not on the same emotional level so to speak and the comfort faded.
Philosoraptor Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 What did you feel after you said all of those things to her? Have you felt a relief? I am a girl, and woooow that kind of break-up could really tear me apart. Seriously, do you still love her while saying those things to her? This one was merged in so I never got to it. My feelings for her are not what they need to be and I am aware of that. My caring for her is deep but it's not the kind that sustains a relationship. Yes there was some relief. Still painful, but I know continuing it would have just delayed this and caused more pain. Do I still care about her? Yes. She is truthfully a wonderful and amazing person. Just not the person for me in the end. I wish her nothing but the best and hope that one day we cross paths after we both have healed as we were much better friends than anything more. But I will do nothing to cause her or my pain to linger anymore than necessary.
Thatguyintx Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I can take pain well but it hurts in a different way when you know you have to break someone's heart. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. And yes, it does hurt. I, unfortunately, kept going back to her telling her I was ready for the next step. And she kept taking me back. In the end, she freaking hated me. Truth be told, I hated me too. I really wanted to make it work. She was the best person I have dated, by far. I hear about her every once in a while. She is married and pregnant. I couldn't be happier for her. I wish that she didn't hate me as much as she does. Live and learn.
Mr Scorpio Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Even though I ended things my heart still feels shattered and I just want to disappear. Despite the sage and wise advice? I suppose it truely is easier to see others issues with a clear mind? Regardless, that phrase above -- the last part of it -- sums up my current mindset.
Philosoraptor Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. And yes, it does hurt. I, unfortunately, kept going back to her telling her I was ready for the next step. And she kept taking me back. In the end, she freaking hated me. Truth be told, I hated me too. I really wanted to make it work. She was the best person I have dated, by far. I hear about her every once in a while. She is married and pregnant. I couldn't be happier for her. I wish that she didn't hate me as much as she does. Live and learn. I'm unwilling to do the same. I can trust myself enough to know that this would happen and I would do anything possible to stop the pain from extending any longer than necessary. Despite the sage and wise advice? I suppose it truely is easier to see others issues with a clear mind? Regardless, that phrase above -- the last part of it -- sums up my current mindset. Well I can listen to myself and even have the strength to not do anything on impulse, but it doesn't stop the pain. As it goes, it's always easier to take the advice of others.
Philosoraptor Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Now that I've finished responding to replies.... I have an unfortunate update. Last night she texted me asking to talk. I responded with something along the lines of "I don't think that is a good idea as it will only extend the pain". Her response was along the lines of "At least give me the time of day. I'd do it for you" My response: "If that's what you need in order to heal I will oblige and answer" Next thing I know I have a knock on my door. Yep, she was sitting outside. I let her in and we talked. She wrote a letter and asked me to read it. It tore my heart out but I know that if I took her back it would be of the wrong reasons and only make it hurt worse in the future. She pretty much said out loud everything that she wrote. Just asking why I couldn't give it another chance and that she could accept little to nothing from me in order to keep me. I of course could not do that to someone. It killed me inside but I stayed strong and reiterated everything that I had told her when things ended. She then started to use guilt as a means of getting me back. Saying she hadn't eaten or gone to class since things ended and that she can't sleep. I wanted nothing more than to comfort her but I know that it would only hurt her more to do that at the moment. I also know that being with someone out of pity is about the worst thing you can do for them, so I continued to give no false hope. In the end I had to ask her to leave as the conversation was doing nothing but going in circles. She was asking the same questions and getting the same answers, but hoping that I would suddenly change my mind. I understood and deeply empathized with everything she was doing and saying... I've been there too. But in the end the match just isn't there and I won't drag her along or offer any false hope to something that I know isn't right.
passions Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I can relate so much to what you're telling.. It was nice to read. My world was completely upside down when I was dumped, but when he did make the decision to spill the truth to me, we spent forever looking into eachothers eyes without saying anything, for hours, and I understood that there was nothin I could do about it. All I had to do was to leave. It didn't stop me from feeling upset for a looong time and trying to get in touch with the guy again, we planned to meet up for chitchats - but it has been me who has said no - because I know that seeing him will probably tear up a lot of pain. I have also used guilt to get him to feel something.. I have told him so much, but from a distance. The most difficult thing was that he did, show that he cared when he knew that I was upset. It made it impossible to be truly mad at him at the time, I just wish he'd call me something nasty instead and tell me to leave. Not hug me and bring me water and pillows! I really couldnt understand how a guy who cared, could do this to me. So it was good to read this.
Philosoraptor Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I can relate so much to what you're telling.. It was nice to read. My world was completely upside down when I was dumped, but when he did make the decision to spill the truth to me, we spent forever looking into eachothers eyes without saying anything, for hours, and I understood that there was nothin I could do about it. All I had to do was to leave. It didn't stop me from feeling upset for a looong time and trying to get in touch with the guy again, we planned to meet up for chitchats - but it has been me who has said no - because I know that seeing him will probably tear up a lot of pain. I have also used guilt to get him to feel something.. I have told him so much, but from a distance. The most difficult thing was that he did, show that he cared when he knew that I was upset. It made it impossible to be truly mad at him at the time, I just wish he'd call me something nasty instead and tell me to leave. Not hug me and bring me water and pillows! I really couldnt understand how a guy who cared, could do this to me. So it was good to read this. When you truly care about someone you do not wish to bring them pain. You can't help that things didn't feel right in the relationship, but you can end things right and cut the suffering to as short a time as possible.
xenomorph Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Reading this was very insightful, but my brain couldnt help but beg the question: what was so irreconcilably wrong with the relationship? Was there anything your partners/exes could have said or done that would have made you rethink the decision? Is there anything both of you could have tried?
Philosoraptor Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Reading this was very insightful, but my brain couldnt help but beg the question: what was so irreconcilably wrong with the relationship? Was there anything your partners/exes could have said or done that would have made you rethink the decision? Is there anything both of you could have tried? Sometimes you just have to trust your gut when it says that this isn't the right person for you. For us to find consistent happiness one of us would need to bend more than what would be natural and comfortable. It's not one issue, but many small but important issues. In her begging she said things that came out of my mouth in the past, being willing to change anything to keep trying. Having her do that would not only make me feel terrible, but I'd also lose respect for her for not staying true to herself. So no, nothing could be said. It was a bad match that we learned as we got to know one another on a more intimate level. The chemistry faded the more differences we saw, but we pushed through and gave it a try anyways... and it just didn't work out. She was willing to bend over backwards and give herself up for the relationship and I was unwilling to let her do that.
xenomorph Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) Hmm, I see. How would you have felt if she was more confident in herself, stood her ground, and expressed that she felt the relationship could work but didn't pressure you to try and gave you space? Not to say that this reaction would change your mind about the relationship, but just your sentiment towards her? Edited April 25, 2012 by xenomorph amendment*
Philosoraptor Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Hmm, I see. How would you have felt if she was more confident in herself, stood her ground, and expressed that she felt the relationship could work but didn't pressure you to try and gave you space? Not to say that this reaction would change your mind about the relationship, but just your sentiment towards her? If she were more confident in herself she would have been more in agreement. Even during the relationship we were better friends than lovers. Our personalities match in a platonic way, but there were too many differences for a relationship to flourish. We saw them over and over during the relationship and she made the choice to ignore them rather than to explore them. It's why even though the breakup mainly consisted of things she expressed during the relationship as possible issues, she waved them off in hope that things would find a way. We gave it plenty of times and the old issues never unwrinkled (because they are deeply rooted differences) and new ones piled up. I have no negative sentiment towards her. I think she is a wonderful person who truly will make someone happy. She has a good heart on her and is very caring. Truly someone I am thankful to have met and someone I truly would like to see nothing but the best happen to. I truly hope all of her dreams come true, they just won't come true with me. Anyone is free to ask more questions and I will get to them in the morning. This is truly just a case of two people meet, try, and just aren't right for one another. No anger, no aggression. Painful, but peaceful and uneventful breakup.
Tiera D Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Your doing a great job,i just wished i had the courage like u to be so direct,i still have not told my ex,perhaps i was worried,i hurt a woman before years ago,and the result was horrible..and now i had to do the same thing all over again its hard.. TD
Philosoraptor Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Your doing a great job,i just wished i had the courage like u to be so direct,i still have not told my ex,perhaps i was worried,i hurt a woman before years ago,and the result was horrible..and now i had to do the same thing all over again its hard.. TD I'm not sure it's courage which drives me to do the right thing; more the want to provide her the least amount of pain as necessary. Hurting others has always caused me more pain than getting hurt myself.
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