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7 months

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 17th March 2012, 6:51 PM   #1
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7 months

My ex travelled across Europe to declare his love for me, to tell me he was obsessed with me. He planned a party so I could meet more of his friends and to help me have some fun after an important hospital appointment.

After he left to go back to his city, a few days later, when I was in bed recovering from my hospital appointment, I received an email from him telling me it was over. A week later, he got together with a girl at that party. I didn't know this when I travelled to his city for work and we met up. The day after, I told him I still loved him. Then he told me he never loved me. I sent a few crazy messages after that. Silly, I know, but I was devastated and angry. I was so reluctant to get into a relationship with him in the beginning but he persuaded me to give him a go. He earned my trust despite my fears. And he ended up screwing me over big time. The irony. I felt like such an idiot for opening up.

We've spoken a few times since then, twice on the phone but mainly messages. But it's always been me to initiate. He hasn't tried to contact me or say hi or ask about my hospital appointment -- not even once. He didn't message me on my birthday yet I did for him last month.

I can't begin to describe how this all makes me feel.

We were going to meet up in January when I visited his city again but didn't because I found out he was away with his girlfriend and her family over the weekend. He had time for lunch on the Monday but I didn't feel up to it. I've sent a few nice messages, telling him how I wished him all the best, how I hope his girlfriend is a better girlfriend than I was. He replied that things were going great.

Man, it's been 7 months and it still hurts like hell. The first man I properly loved in years. I finally opened up and look what happened.

You're probably asking -- why the hell did you contact him and try to meet up? Well, I thought by being friends, it would show he cared on some level and that it would get rid of any bad feelings. And it would have done if he simply sent one message or made one phone call to say hi or ask how I am. That's all. I'm friends with all of my exs -- they're all great, we get along great. They're all gentlemen who make the time for me -- and vice versa. But I guess not everyone can handle being friends with an ex.

I have been very depressed but I feel like things are improving. I'm not a crying mess anymore. But it can still make me feel like I've been punched in the gut and unable to breath. When will that go? I feel embarrassed that it's been 7 months and I'm still here with these feelings. But I guess it shows I have a heart. When I love someone, I really mean it. I can't just go and sleep with someone else a week later. Hell, 7 months on, and I'm still single.

I've avoided men because I didn't want a rebound and I wanted time to heal. For a while, I thought I'd be single for years. But I'm starting to feel like I could be open to the idea of a relationship.

I have been approached about a job in his city. It's my dream job. Interview coming up. Sometimes I think I won't be able to stand seeing him around with his girlfriend (it's a small city, I will definitely see them), and at other times, I look forward to the opportunity to show them I am ok, strong, happy etc. But I'm trying to forget now. I hope i get this job so I can make a fresh start for myself.

Not sure what the point of my post is. Just venting and sharing, I suppose.

Thanks for reading.

Last edited by toffeecream77; 17th March 2012 at 7:38 PM..
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Old 18th March 2012, 7:33 AM   #2
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What I'm struggling with today is how low and humiliated I feel.

How I kept contacting him, asking for another chance, after the break up, after he had already got together with this girl. How even this year, after he never contacted me on my birthday or to even say hi, I still pursued a friendship with him. He often didn't reply to messages and I would be upset, asking him why he's ignoring me when I'm trying so hard to be friends to put the past behind us. His reply was that he didn't reply to most of his friends and I shouldn't expect him to either, that he wasn't trying to upset me, that's just the way he is. Well, I thought he could have made a small effort in the beginning given our situation.

Anyway, it's how I still tried to be in touch, and pushed for friendship, with a guy who left me for someone else, who never cared enough to intitiate contact once in seven months.

I feel like I've no respect for myself. I feel like a total, total idiot.

What makes me feel even worse is how he probably thinks I was doing it all to get back together with him and he thought he was doing me a favour by not initiating contact and being distant. I just wanted to be friends, to talk to him from time to time, so I didn't have to miss him much. I was 'ok' with him and this girl, I just didn't want him to be a stranger. I've explained that I miss him and there's no reason why we can't be friends. He will probably say we are friends. But it sure doesn't feel like it at all.

If I get this job and move back to his city, I won't tell him. It'll be like the fifth time I'd be making contact and he's not bothered once. I can't keep doing that to someone who doesn't care if I'm alive or dead. But then we'd eventually bump into each other and he'll probably think, oh, she knows I'm not interested, she's probably got the hint, that's why she didn't say anything. But that's not the truth. So that temps me to send him a really friendly message saying I'll be in the neighbourhood.

I wish I could stop caring about him.
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Old 19th March 2012, 9:07 AM   #3
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If I'd break up with a girl and she'd pursue me in the same way that you're currently doing.. I'd switch off as well. Take a step back and reflect on your behaviour.. if you were him.. what would you do? Probably the same thing..

You're hoping for something that isn't there anymore. He's not your bf, he's not interested in being 'friends' as he has moved onto a new gf.

Take this opportunity to grow as a person. Do the things you've always wanted to do.. go out and explore the world.. Don't get stuck in the past. Carpe diem.
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Old 19th March 2012, 9:48 AM   #4
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You cannot be friends with him because you are still in love with him and he knows this. Trust me, being his real friend would hurt you too much. Do you really want to hear how great things are with him and his new girl? Could you handle that? I don't think so. It is best to move on and not try to be his friend. You have to leave him alone. If it hurts too much try getting some professional help to get you through this. Good luck.
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Old 19th March 2012, 9:09 PM   #5
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Would taking a job in the city that he is in really be a fresh start? Is it worth it? Would you be able to handle this? Think about this before you accept the job and move there. Your ex is a real, honest to goodness bombaclot and I'm sorry he did those things to you.
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Old 20th March 2012, 6:37 AM   #6
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I've not had a job in over a year and if offered, I would have to accept.

I have some news. I text my ex last night asking how he is etc. I told him about the potential job. I thought, I miss him, why can't we be friends. He didn't reply straight away and when he did, he said he was out and couldn't chat right now. I replied saying we could be friends when he feels more able to. He called me this morning and we had a chat for half an hour about our lives. Towards the end, I brought up the friends thing and if he's comfortable. He said yes, but because we're just starting out and because I'm his most recent ex, he doesn't want to rock the boat with his girlfriend -- the girl he started seeing after me. I said I understood that, we don't even talk much, I just want to make sure we're ok being friends. He said he's fine, just to be a little patient in the beginning.

Talking to him was great, we laughed a lot. He didn't say much about the girlfriend and he didn't ask me about my love life at all.

He mentioned his girlfriend wasn't the jealous type. I laughed and said I wasn't jealous and you didn't like that! He replied we just failed to understand each other communicating because of the distance, and he thought I was being indifferent.

So I think maybe that's why we broke up? He didn't understand me. And we failed to connect.

Sometimes I think I really love him still. But other times, I think, if we met up and/or I saw him with this other girl, I'd be put off. It's been a long time.

But right now, I'm just so happy we spoke and came to an understanding. I'm so happy he called.

Also, I don't know if I want him just because I can't. I'm not sure anymore. If he came back to me, I really wonder if I would take him back. It would never be the same. So maybe that's my answer as to whether I really want him or not. It's weird. I suppose the pain of him leaving me is worse than the pain of not having him now. Does that make sense? I miss the past so much, not him in the present.

I also wonder if I moved back to his city, if we would be able to reconnect a spark. I wouldn't do it on purpose, I wouldn't actively seek it. But would it be possible after so long?

I'm just wondering more than anything.
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Old 20th March 2012, 8:07 AM   #7
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Wow and I thought my ex was a complete jerk! Your recovering from a hospital appointment and he goes off and Finds someone else? I'd be livid. What a catch this guy must be. You get sick and he goes overseas and has fun. I pity his new gf. I so wouldn't even bother being friends with this idiot.
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Old 20th March 2012, 8:57 AM   #8
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There is a new article on baggagereclaim explaining how being friends with an ex, shouldn't mean being friends with someone that uses you and screws you over,
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Old 20th March 2012, 10:46 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Sugarkane View Post
Wow and I thought my ex was a complete jerk! Your recovering from a hospital appointment and he goes off and Finds someone else? I'd be livid. What a catch this guy must be. You get sick and he goes overseas and has fun. I pity his new gf. I so wouldn't even bother being friends with this idiot.
I've known this all along. Yet you saying it has struck a chord. Sometimes, I forget how awful he was and how he made me feel. And when I really think about it, really puts me off. In fact, I bet if I meet with him and/or see him with his girlfriend, it would put me off for life. That's what happened with a previous ex.

Last edited by toffeecream77; 20th March 2012 at 10:59 AM..
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