1/5 Years on not healing

[broken-and-lost]

Hey all

 

Well it's been over a year and 4 months later. i honestly do not feel like i'm healing like i should in fact i know i'm not i've had lots of great advice from people over the year but still i don't feel like i'm getting past a certain point, don't get me wrong i'm not the mess i was, unable to do things or get out of bed without wanting to throw myself off a bridge, but i am not the person i was either.

 

I've done all the recommended things like work on yourself gym hobbies therapy (a few types ) yet none of this has helped me forget her. i'm still left with the urges to clear the air and have a long chat about what went wrong and forgiving each other.

 

I don't want her back as such or at least i'm at the point where i know their is no going back yet i still feel like i really need that talk to release.

 

I have tried contacting her asking for that chat but she just ignores any form of contact only think i've had from her in last year was a thank you for b-day card everything else on this subject she ignores that kills me more then anything as i'm not asking for us to get back together just to clear the air and take back all the crap that was said at the time, I'm left with all the guilt despite her having her part in it all yes we both handled things wrong at the time, i've worked on the things she brutally highlighted, i'm guessing she just moved on with the guy who was waiting in the background to jump into my shoes with warm hands.

 

I'm at a loss really as to what i should do as i'm not healing really if she is still on my mind 24/7 Past relationships have never had this effect on me i have always moved on within 6 months and not looked back but not now.

 

My question anyone else have this and how or when did you get past it? NC really does nothing for me apart from make me think more about her.

 

I have no intention of contacting her as she has made it clear by ignoring me she does not want or care to talk to me in an form but that does not solve my problem

[puresynphony]

Hey Mate,

I guess we have all felt like this at some stage of our life, I know I did.

I would stop contacting her, ur probably not the man to her as u were the first time u guys met, u were prob much more masculine in the early stage of relationship, right now she has the power, that needs to change.

 

The only way that can happen is if u stop contact, she cant miss u if ur always there. in the end if its meant to be, then it wil be.

 

No point in forcing or trying to tell ur side of the story if she is not ready or willing to hear what u have to say.

 

Try writing everything out on paper or computer that u want to tell her, get it out of ur system, get it off ur chest and onto paper, I think this step can benefit you alot.

 

U really need to move on from her, its not fair on you that u send her cards and initiate contact only to get the cold shoulder.

 

u never gave her the chance to miss u.

Im assuming that when u guys did break up, u constantly and consistantly tried to contact her and fix things??

 

If so that was the wrong move.

 

Women almost always have some other guy waiting to jump into ur position, it happened with me, they just do that to fill the emotional void that they have from you.

 

Shouldnt sweat that, no man can jump in create that emotional connection that u guys had.

 

Seriously though, move on and dont contact her anymore, nothing.

 

write out everything u want to tell her, I think it will make u feel better.

I did this and I had a release.

 

Start dating other chicks and keep ur mind occupied at all times.

Hope this helps man.

There is a woman out there waiting for u to sweep her off her feet.

u wil find her eventually.

Best wishes

[broken-and-lost]

thanks for your response m8, i guess your right in the fact that i haven't really disappeared from her life in the sense that i have kept a form of contact even if she hasn't responded by sending card or e-mail at certain points and i totally understand that i'm bagging my head against a wall if she does not want to talk nothing i say or do at this stage will make a difference and only prolong my own pain.

 

I've tried dating other girls really have been like 6 in the last year alone i just can't connect with them of don't find them as attractive as my ex so i've stopped tho i know i need to to move on and not waste another year.

 

I just keep having dreams about her and i can't control them which will set me off for the day it's not always like that i can go days and keep it at the back of my mind but i know at some point it will pop back up

[puresynphony]

I guess time heals everything, just stop doing ur own head in.

Only time can heal what ur going thru, but try and speed up the process by doing what I suggested.

 

Ask urself is she doing the same thing u are doing right now? I doubt it. I guess ur kind of torturing urself in a way. u have not really let go of her and this situation from ur mind.

Live ur life, and live it strong.

 

Dont let this situation make u miss other opportunities in ur life, u dont deserve that.

 

Focus on ur life and career as best as u can.

Best wishes

[Almond_Joy]

Hey all

 

Well it's been over a year and 4 months later. i honestly do not feel like i'm healing like i should in fact i know i'm not i've had lots of great advice from people over the year but still i don't feel like i'm getting past a certain point, don't get me wrong i'm not the mess i was, unable to do things or get out of bed without wanting to throw myself off a bridge, but i am not the person i was either.

 

I've done all the recommended things like work on yourself gym hobbies therapy (a few types ) yet none of this has helped me forget her. i'm still left with the urges to clear the air and have a long chat about what went wrong and forgiving each other.

 

I don't want her back as such or at least i'm at the point where i know their is no going back yet i still feel like i really need that talk to release.

 

I have tried contacting her asking for that chat but she just ignores any form of contact only think i've had from her in last year was a thank you for b-day card everything else on this subject she ignores that kills me more then anything as i'm not asking for us to get back together just to clear the air and take back all the crap that was said at the time, I'm left with all the guilt despite her having her part in it all yes we both handled things wrong at the time, i've worked on the things she brutally highlighted, i'm guessing she just moved on with the guy who was waiting in the background to jump into my shoes with warm hands.

 

I'm at a loss really as to what i should do as i'm not healing really if she is still on my mind 24/7 Past relationships have never had this effect on me i have always moved on within 6 months and not looked back but not now.

 

My question anyone else have this and how or when did you get past it? NC really does nothing for me apart from make me think more about her.

 

I have no intention of contacting her as she has made it clear by ignoring me she does not want or care to talk to me in an form but that does not solve my problem

 

 

Hi,

 

I just posted myself on this same issue. The only difference is I've made virtually no contact since the break - I sent an email about two months after, when I was having a really bad day and was still sore over the breakup. I didn't get an answer to that email, it was ignored. I haven't attempted to contact my ex since.

 

I'm also fortunate in that I found someone that I really have that "special connection" with again. I think it's alot harder to let go of the breakup when you don't have anyone else to have that kind of intimacy with.

 

I guess since I'm in the same boat, I don't have the best of advice lol. I'm trying to remember that sometimes....you just don't get what you want in life. Those are the breaks. Things don't work out properly, people leave issues unresolved....some are able to put that behind them alot faster and easier than others. Those of us who find it more important to clear the air are left fumbling. I think we really have to resign ourself to the fact that it's just going to stay broken.

 

In your case, you've gone above and beyond to clear the air. A year later, and you're still contacting her? Synphony's right - she knows you're still thinking about her, that you're still around. Even if you say you don't want to get back with her, she's got this hold on you. That may be true, but she sure as hell doesn't need to know that. Stop showing her esteem and consideration.

 

I know you're probably discouraged as you've tried several times already to find someone new with no luck, but keep trying! Once you're able to make that connection with someone else, this won't bother you so much.

 

Good luck !

[fucpcg]

Our situations sound almost identical, except for that there is no other man involved. Ex refuses any contact with me, ignored my 3 letters over the past year, we just crossed 1 year and 1 month, and I still think about her always. I have a full life, a ton of amazing friends, I play almost every sport on the planet, I bodybuild and powerlift so I have always been in great shape between that and sports.... yet none of that matters. I lost my best friend, my girlfriend, the girl I felt my soulmate, almost to death. I mean literally, it could be considered like she died to me. We had a fight, she dumps me, refuses any contact period.

 

When you have a big heart, losing someone you love hurts, and it affects you. When it goes so cold that its almost like the person died, like our situation, I guess a quick rebound should almost be considered silly. For me, I grieve like she dropped dead of a heart attack, as one day she was sleeping on my chest, the next day gone. It's going to take time, I know that.

[broken-and-lost]

Our situations sound almost identical, except for that there is no other man involved. Ex refuses any contact with me, ignored my 3 letters over the past year, we just crossed 1 year and 1 month, and I still think about her always. I have a full life, a ton of amazing friends, I play almost every sport on the planet, I bodybuild and powerlift so I have always been in great shape between that and sports.... yet none of that matters. I lost my best friend, my girlfriend, the girl I felt my soulmate, almost to death. I mean literally, it could be considered like she died to me. We had a fight, she dumps me, refuses any contact period.

 

When you have a big heart, losing someone you love hurts, and it affects you. When it goes so cold that its almost like the person died, like our situation, I guess a quick rebound should almost be considered silly. For me, I grieve like she dropped dead of a heart attack, as one day she was sleeping on my chest, the next day gone. It's going to take time, I know that.

 

Yeah i know what you mean man it does feel like she died, rather then a breakup probably why i feel the why i do i'm not sure if she spoke to me if it would release this pain i'm carrying on my shoulders

[broken-and-lost]

Hi,

 

I just posted myself on this same issue. The only difference is I've made virtually no contact since the break - I sent an email about two months after, when I was having a really bad day and was still sore over the breakup. I didn't get an answer to that email, it was ignored. I haven't attempted to contact my ex since.

 

I'm also fortunate in that I found someone that I really have that "special connection" with again. I think it's alot harder to let go of the breakup when you don't have anyone else to have that kind of intimacy with.

 

I guess since I'm in the same boat, I don't have the best of advice lol. I'm trying to remember that sometimes....you just don't get what you want in life. Those are the breaks. Things don't work out properly, people leave issues unresolved....some are able to put that behind them alot faster and easier than others. Those of us who find it more important to clear the air are left fumbling. I think we really have to resign ourself to the fact that it's just going to stay broken.

 

In your case, you've gone above and beyond to clear the air. A year later, and you're still contacting her? Synphony's right - she knows you're still thinking about her, that you're still around. Even if you say you don't want to get back with her, she's got this hold on you. That may be true, but she sure as hell doesn't need to know that. Stop showing her esteem and consideration.

 

I know you're probably discouraged as you've tried several times already to find someone new with no luck, but keep trying! Once you're able to make that connection with someone else, this won't bother you so much.

 

Good luck !

 

 

Thank you Almond i'm glad you've been able to make a connection with someone else and your probably right i really should just leave it and some feeding her ego i just find it hard to leave things open and unsaid i guess i don't like thinking someone thinks badly of me or that i'm totally to blame for things.

[Renard99]

I'm with Puresynphony in that you should just not contact her. I know you said NC doesn't really do it for you, but don't think of it in terms of NC, think of it this way: Everytime you contact her, you're hitting your head on a brick wall, and, everytime you do, you get a 'jolt' of her in your head. You shake up the snow globe so that the pieces of her continue to float around in your head. Cease hitting your head and hopefully the snow globe will have time to settle, and ultimately, clear, leaving a nice clear image of yourself in the middle.

 

If it's any consolation, I'm 1 year and 1 month out from my relationship and I do still think of her, but I too have found someone new, just like Almond, and my ex is fading from my conscious thoughts faster than she ever has before. The new relationship is helping me see that the last one wasn't as good as I once thought

 

You'll get there mate, just got to keep going and don't give in

Edited February 27, 2012 by Renard99
Spelling

[broken-and-lost]

I'm with Puresynphony in that you should just not contact her. I know you said NC doesn't really do it for you, but don't think of it in terms of NC, think of it this way: Everytime you contact her, you're hitting your head on a brick wall, and, everytime you do, you get a 'jolt' of her in your head. You shake up the snow globe so that the pieces of her continue to float around in your head. Cease hitting your head and hopefully the snow globe will have time to settle, and ultimately, clear, leaving a nice clear image of yourself in the middle.

 

If it's any consolation, I'm 1 year and 1 month out from my relationship and I do still think of her, but I too have found someone new, just like Almond, and my ex is fading from my conscious thoughts faster than she ever has before. The new relationship is helping me see that the last one wasn't as good as I once thought

 

You'll get there mate, just got to keep going and don't give in

 

Thanks renard your right the smallest reminders set the snow globe shaking and that's probably keeping me held in a place i don't really want to be i've gotten up from the ring many times when i've been knocked down before but this is first time i fell out the ring through the floor and down to the basement proving a little tougher to get back up it's the f-ing-dreams draw be back alot most of the days - night i just get on with it trying to build a better me

[silvermane187]

I haven't posted here in a long time but decided I should since I can really relate to OP. I'm 1 year 5 months out of my break up and am in the same boat when it comes to dreams and certain triggers still occasionally messing me up mentally/emotionally for a day or two at a time. I just had a couple bad days this week as a matter of fact. I haven't communicated with my ex in over a year, and haven't seen her since I randomly bumped into her last spring. I still think about her everyday, several times a day, sometimes even without a trigger. The fact is when you're that close to someone they become a part of you.

 

When you have a big heart, losing someone you love hurts, and it affects you. When it goes so cold that its almost like the person died, like our situation, I guess a quick rebound should almost be considered silly. For me, I grieve like she dropped dead of a heart attack, as one day she was sleeping on my chest, the next day gone. It's going to take time, I know that.

This is the best advice you're going to get I think. I can relate to this 100% and have had to remind myself of these same sentiments whenever I'm feeling really low. There have been studies done that show some people's brains have the same chemical response to a breakup as they do to the death of a loved one. Try to give yourself a break when you're feeling down. There is nothing shameful or weak about loving someone so completely that it affects you for this long. It can even be seen as something to be proud of. It takes a lot of courage and honesty to leave yourself open to hurt like that. Sometimes it feels like I stopped making progress, but then I wait a few days and take another look and notice that I'm taking 2 steps forward for every step backward. It's hard to step outside your head for an honest perspective sometimes. I know it sucks being tortured by your own thoughts and memories. Perspective and distractions are key to making the lows bearable and the highs richer.

 

PS. The snowglobe analogy is a new one to me. Another good mental tool to try and use when the demons come out.

Edited March 1, 2012 by silvermane187

[broken-and-lost]

I haven't posted here in a long time but decided I should since I can really relate to OP. I'm 1 year 5 months out of my break up and am in the same boat when it comes to dreams and certain triggers still occasionally messing me up mentally/emotionally for a day or two at a time. I just had a couple bad days this week as a matter of fact. I haven't communicated with my ex in over a year, and haven't seen her since I randomly bumped into her last spring. I still think about her everyday, several times a day, sometimes even without a trigger. The fact is when you're that close to someone they become a part of you.

 

This is the best advice you're going to get I think. I can relate to this 100% and have had to remind myself of these same sentiments whenever I'm feeling really low. There have been studies done that show some people's brains have the same chemical response to a breakup as they do to the death of a loved one. Try to give yourself a break when you're feeling down. There is nothing shameful or weak about loving someone so completely that it affects you for this long. It can even be seen as something to be proud of. It takes a lot of courage and honesty to leave yourself open to hurt like that. Sometimes it feels like I stopped making progress, but then I wait a few days and take another look and notice that I'm taking 2 steps forward for every step backward. It's hard to step outside your head for an honest perspective sometimes. I know it sucks being tortured by your own thoughts and memories. Perspective and distractions are key to making the lows bearable and the highs richer.

 

PS. The snowglobe analogy is a new one to me. Another good mental tool to try and use when the demons come out.

 

I can tell by the way you have written this that we are both going through the same thing here the love springs eternal thing that oh so lonely sense of a deep loss thanks for taking the time to post and i wis you well on them nights / days when your heart feels the loss