I don't understand

[jlj1967]

Hi,

 

I am putting it all out there, the whole thing, so please excuse the long post.....so here it is..

 

This is embarrassing really. I am 44 and my boyfriend is 45. We have been together for 7 months. He has no trouble gettinig an erection. He can maintain an erection for quite a while, so there is no medical problem. He has never entered me and he really doesn't do much to try.

 

Here is the scenario. He is incredibly affectionate, almnost overly so. He loves to kiss, hug and hold hands. I like this as well. At first I wasn't on birth control and that freaked him out. I can understand that and got on birth control. That didn't help because nothing is happening still. He likes to sleep naked and cuddle with me. I don't mind that at all. He sleeps spoons me and so I can feel him, all of him. Sometimes he gets in the mood and will touch me here and there, and then he stops.

 

I love to give oral, but don't like it...but he is always taken care of, every time, many times. I have tried holding back and letting him take care of me first, but that never happends. It will be a few touches and then nothing. Recently he told me that someone in his past 10 to 13 years ago, told him in his words he was a "lousy lay". So because of that, he hasn't touched me. I have tried telling and showing him what I like. I have tried telling him how I feel. When I do, he just looks at me and has told me that I am pressuring him.

 

We have been together 7 months. Seven months of being turned on and then nothing. It's hard not to take care of him, I love him...but...I don't think at this point my wanting sex, penetration, something...is asking for too much. I think it should come naturally. With the whole thing it has taken a toll on me, on my self esteem, my sexual outlook, my feelings and my heart. I feel unattractive, and when I tell him this, he cries and says it tears him apart.

 

I can understand that he has issues, but the issue is almost 13 years old and I am paying the toll. I don't think I am out of line by expressing my needs...however, he calls it pressure. He has also had issues because of past relationships, also 10-13 years ago where there have been issues on his part with trust, communication and even telling me he loves me. He can't do that because he says for him, saying the L word is a harbinger of doom. Yet he will hold me tell me how spectial I am, how he cares.

 

I need some kind of intamacy because it's not coming from the bedroom. I so much want to connect on a deeper level...a level he says he wants. I'm so confused and lost. When he touches me and does nothing, I feel teased. When he is always taken care of and me nothing, I feel used. And over all I don't feel to sexy or wanted.

 

I know he had been hurt and all, but so have I in my past, but after this long it's still affecting him so much. He did recently apologize for being selfish in bed. What gets me is that not once did he ever offer to forgo his being taken care of and focus on me. I guess that's my fault. But sigh....even when I tell him what I want, what I like, anything, I'm pressuring him. Really? After 7 months, my teling him what I like in bed is pressuring him?

 

I told him what I like and he blew up saying I needed to let him learn to walk before I expected him to run a marathon...and let me tell you, the things I told him were nothing much...touching my chest, etc.

 

I don't know anymore..I'm so confused. I feel so hurt and it feels like such a huge rejection. Can anyone help? I know don't take care of him anymore..that's not going to be a problem. Through a turn of events neither one of us wanted, he ended up breaking up with me on Valentines Day. He didn't plan it, it happened that way.

 

What did I do wrong?

 

His past has issues with everthing it seems and when I ask for things that at this point should come naturally. He has been really selfish and at first I thought it just was in the bedroom but looking a bit more it seems like issues from his past are the excuse I get for not hearing or being given things.

 

He will go on and on telling me how pretty I am, how much he cares, how bad he has it for me, how he cares so much it hurts, how deeply he feels for me. These are all great things to hear, and along with the way he touches me, yes I believe that he did love me, but, it seems like everything is to be worked through. I don't know if it makes sense. He asks like I want so much..to have sex with your boyfriend is not asking a lot, especially at this point. But when I ask for things, things that should be given, feely at this point, I get told that what he gives me isn't enough...and that I'm pressuring him.

 

 

Just as an example. I work in the mental health field and was falsely accused of neglect. I had to undergo an investigation and all. Even though I knew I was innocent and there was NOTHING to base it on, but....a little support from him would have been nice. When I found out about the investigation, I was at work and sent him a text.

 

We talked later, via text of course. He never called. What he did tell me was to be like Fonzi because Fonzi is cool. That's his support.

 

He even told me I was unappreciative for which I really don't like because I believe myself to be a very appreciative person. Another friend had a birthday party for me, not many were able to be there. The boyfriend slept the whole day of my birthday away because he said he wasn't feeling well but later said he felt like a hangover. So boyfriend told me that at the party, I was unappreciative and that with one look the boyfriend looked at the hosts and knew in a second how they must have felt. He then went on to say that I was like a pretty piece of glass, with rough edges.

 

I felt so horrible that I talked with the hosts and apologized if I ever seemed to be unappreciative. The hosts replied with surprise and said they NEVER felt that way and don't know why the boyfriend even thought so. I told the boyfriend in a message that I had spoke to the hosts and what they said. The boyfriend didn't say "sorry, or I was wrong, or nothing" All he did was reply with a smiley face.

 

All of this going on....

 

If you would have heard him go on and on about how much he cared, and seen how he was always right by my side, you wouldn't think I was going too fast. He took me to see his work once, on off hours, it was sweet. Another time he wanted me to stop by, but he said more than once, that he wanted me to come by when "people were there".

 

He is an over the top affectionate guy. Not gross, but affectionate. He had a huge thing for holding hands. If he wasn't holding it, he would be reaching for it soon. He often would tel me that he liked going to places, because it was a new place to hold my hand.

 

The day that we got into a disagreement, Valentine's Day, he ended up breaking up with me. We live some distance apart so it was on the phone. While talking to him the man was bawling, you could literally hear him shaking, his voice cracking as he talked.

 

He told me that I act like what he gives me isn't enough, but if you look at it, seems like just about everything, communication, trust, sex and love had a stigma attached to it from some 10-13 year thing he had been through.

 

He told me when he tried to do something nice, I would knock him down, I don't think that's true. I mean I am not perfect, but I don't think I was that way. And then he told me that I wasn't always appreciative and even mentioned my one friend and thier party for me, to which I apologized for but the friend said that there was nothing to apologize for..they never felt that way to begin with.

 

He told me that I was like a pretty piece of glass with rough edges. He went on to cry and cry...HARD. He said he knew he was a decent person who deserved to be appreciated and not knocked down. Please know that I did nothing but praise him. I knew he had been hurt badly in his past, but honestly we all have.

 

His big issues come from 10-13 years ago, a long long time. He went on to talk about what he deserved and then apologized for his baggage and said "it took two to tango". Then he said he was toxic. I was so worried about him, I put my own grief and pain on the side to help him through the phone call...and his pain.

 

The next day, he put a post on facebook (I got rid of my account yesterday) about Spider Man. We used to tease one another about super heros..i like Superman, he likes Spiderman.

 

He puts up a post from the spider man movie. It was a bridge from central park and he says "This is where Spider Man - cries". I know that post was meant for me. What was the point of that??????

 

So I ended up that night deleting my FB account. I knew his son who is 20 before I knew the boyfriend. The son sends me a text early in the morning asking if I unfriended he and his dad. I told him no, that I just deleted my account. I was not trying to be mean, that's not why I did it. So I sent the boyfriend a text too, just saying I didn't unfriend anyone, that I just deleted the account. He replied back with "Now how many people told you that was a good idea". I replied with "no one. I didn'ttell anyone I was doing it". That was the end of that convo.

 

I don't have anything more to say to him....but this whole thing has made me so confused. The whole thing about telling me how he KNEW another friend felt appreciated by me, but guess what he was wrong, I let him know in a nice way, that was not the case..he replied with a :-).

 

This whole thing, has messed with my head. I feel like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. I was paying for issues he still had from people SOOOO long ago. I don't mean to sound mean, but after 7 months, I don't think it's wrong to expect sex..but no. And on top of that, his issues only prevented him from giving, because he thought he would be bad in bed...but of course not from receiving oral sex. FUNNY how that works.

 

I've felt so undesireable, so unwanted, so unsexy, so many things. I took a chance and told him how I felt. I expressed my heart. He said nothing. If I wrote it, he said nothing. And at one point I put it on his wall on FB, and of course, he ignored it....so when I said you don't feel the same, he said you don't know that....UGH!

 

He likes to tease me. He said he loved to tease me like a little kid. Ok, so there is that, but when it's me, I'm picking on him...part of the reason he left me.

 

When he told me I was unappreciative and the whole thing with the party and my friend, I asked him "Am I really this bad?" He told me not to get defensive. Turns out the whole thing wasn't what the boyfriend thought, but I felt so horrible to think I had made a friend feel unappreciated for doing something nice for me.

 

My head is spinning...

[CopingGal]

Hmmm. This is a hard one. He sounds very immature. He sounds like he has a lot of issues. I think in telling you to act like Fonzi, he was saying....try not to be too upset...just play it cool because you did nothing wrong...everything will be alright.

 

It sounds like he needs individual counseling and that the two of you need couple's counseling. I took went out with a man that would not touch me....he kissed me on the forehead. At least this man touches you way more than mine did. As I said in another forum, we broke up and became best friends.

 

But your situation is so different, as he is affectionate toward you, he just can't seem to go all the way.

[Frank13]

There is something wrong with this guy. First of all the stuff from 10-13 years ago is BS. It is nothing but an excuse. If something from 10-13 years ago is affecting him today sexually, he shouldn't be dating, or at least not in a relationship.

 

So many people have sex within a few dates. Seven months later and no sex? No, you are not wrong at all for expecting it.

 

Is it possible he is gay? He wanted you to come to work "when people were there", like he is trying to prove to people he is not gay and he will only let you do oral on him.

 

He did you a favor by breaking up. How did you tolerate no sex for 7 months?

[jlj1967]

Ok everyone....I wanted to give you all a quick update. You were all so right.

 

Shortly after I starated the thread, i bocked him on fb. I can't block him on my phone because my phone doesn't have that c capablity. I have never called nor texted him...he hasn't either. We have a mutual friend who was going to visit some other friends an then the EX and his 20 year old son.

 

I did not ask to get any information, I didn't not ask to ask him anything, I didn't ask her anyting..at all. However she wanted to know some things and so she did. I asked her upon her return how her trip went and she unloaded. I found it ironic but in a way that this guy is everywhere but no where at once. Let me demonstrate hahah...

 

She said he told her I was a pretty lady and he was sorry things didn't work out. Yeah ok...sure. NEXT.

 

She said I told him I loved him and he didnt' say anything back because he didn't love me. True, he didn't say anything back. BUT, he failed to mention the big things. For example, he told me soooo many times, a real lot how much he cared, how he cared so deeply, how he cared so much it hurt and how I was in his heart. He told me how I made him happy with so few words, how I was precious, how I was beautiful, how he cared, how I was good for the ego, on and on.

 

On NYE when I told him how I felt he said to me "those words almost passed by my lips several times" . When he dumped me he told me that he almost gave me his heart on a silver platter. Ok then. He says all this to me, but then tells her he didnt' say anything when I said I love you to him, because he didn't love me. Anyone see the contradiction here?

 

I told her this stuff and then asked, "i bet he didn't tell you ANY of this did he?" She said "Wow and no, he left this all out". I told her that this was all a big reason for me to fall for him...and to tell him I had done so. If for one second, I felt he didn't feel the same, I would have NEVER said a word.

 

And it gets better...get your popcorn, this is funny.

 

He told her that I didn't have to block him on FB that he wouldn't bother me. Well ok, that's good. But if he isn't going to bother me, and I don't think he would, WHAT does it matter wether he is blocked or not?

So she said some things were off...I said nooooooo, really??? Hahahaha.

She said they were all driving and he suggested "We should go to this place I took Janet out to dinner". They were surprised he mentioned it was where he took ME and why he just didn't say "let's go here".

 

While they were at dinner he out of the blue stated (and remember he said he didn't love me) how he was going to take me home to meet his mom because with him when a woman is worthy, that's the natural progression in his relationshps. She was shocked as well as HIS own 20 year old son. I'm sorry, but that's pretty stupid in my book. He didn't love me but hey, let's go meet my mom.

 

So with all this stuff, I had to laugh. He is so lost in his head and like I said, he is everywhere and no where at once.

I was a fool for staying so long...he refused to meet any of my needs and would say he was being pressured. I'm sorry but I didn't ask for anything that was out of line or huge. The very basics that should be in a relationship. HE is the one who screwed up, not me. Wether he ever admits it to himself, he will have to live with it forever.

 

I'm working on me now. How much you can see when you step back. Thanks everyone.

 

I'm feeling much better but when I heard this stuff it was really comical.

I'm not ready for anyone new, but I am working on me and learning to love...ME!!! Yeahhhhhhh!!

[BewitchedandBothered]

........you're seeing my ex, aren't you??? LOL!!!! Eerily similar issues. Your guy sounds extremely immature. and if I were told I was a 'lousy lay', you bet your sweet bippy I would try to prove that otherwise, LOL. He has issues and sounds like a wimp. He got all underpantsy on you when you wanted to discuss it...you need a real man.

[jlj1967]

Bewitched

 

I can't tell you how much you have me laughing. He is not exactly a macho man by any means. Actually most people refer to him as "soft".

 

For example, it depends on the situation. He can get mad at me and he can get mad at his son for things. BUT his son told me a story about how when his now 20 year old son was younger, that he, and his dad were in a car with a girl his dad was dating.

 

I guess this girl had a jealous ex boyfriend who came up and was pounding on the car for the my ex and his son to get out of the car. My ex got himself and his son out of the car and then just stood there silently.

 

I can see both signs of the coin. While his son seemed irritated that his dad just stood there silently, I can see where his dad might not want to show agresson or violence to his son.

 

Now his dad is not violent. He's kind of whimpy and you can see that from looking at him.

 

As far as the being told he was a lousy lay. I can totally see why someone would have told him that...and maybe he KNOWS it's true. I can't say he never tried, but it might have been a handful of times, but never not once did he ummmm...how can I put this gently...never once did he penetrate me. Not once in 7 months. That really is odd, isn't it.

 

He requires too much effort and gives nothing back.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Bewitched

 

I can't tell you how much you have me laughing. He is not exactly a macho man by any means. Actually most people refer to him as "soft".

 

For example, it depends on the situation. He can get mad at me and he can get mad at his son for things. BUT his son told me a story about how when his now 20 year old son was younger, that he, and his dad were in a car with a girl his dad was dating.

 

I guess this girl had a jealous ex boyfriend who came up and was pounding on the car for the my ex and his son to get out of the car. My ex got himself and his son out of the car and then just stood there silently.

 

I can see both signs of the coin. While his son seemed irritated that his dad just stood there silently, I can see where his dad might not want to show agresson or violence to his son.

 

Now his dad is not violent. He's kind of whimpy and you can see that from looking at him.

 

As far as the being told he was a lousy lay. I can totally see why someone would have told him that...and maybe he KNOWS it's true. I can't say he never tried, but it might have been a handful of times, but never not once did he ummmm...how can I put this gently...never once did he penetrate me. Not once in 7 months. That really is odd, isn't it.

 

He requires too much effort and gives nothing back.

 

Very, very odd. He sounds extremely effeminate. My ex was a coward, too, LOL. You deserve a real man and volcanic sex. This guy was told he was a lousy lay and as you have concluded, the fault indeed lies with this guy. If you put up with this, you will be extremely dissatisfied. My ex was told he is 'proper' and many have suggested he is gay--he has someone new now, so we will see how that unravels, lOL. The first night I was intimate with my creepy ex, he, too, didn't want to penetrate. What a turnoff. And when I think of that, my skin crawls. Edited to add that OH!!! My ex said the reason he didn't always penetrate was because he was into the 'tantric' thing. Riiiiiiiiiight, LOL. We definitely need to get us some cans of "Ex-OFF Spray" LOL

[Sugarkane]

A guy not wanting sex? WTF? He must have had sex at least once if he has a 20 year old son. What made him change his mind that time?!

[BewitchedandBothered]

A guy not wanting sex? WTF? He must have had sex at least once if he has a 20 year old son. What made him change his mind that time?!

He probably didn't know such a result could happen from it. "WHOA!!! Not doing THAT again!!!" LOL