Painful unrequited love

[nostromo]

Hey guys, I'm trying to deal with an extremely difficult situation and I was looking for some advice. I apologize for this post's length, this story spans a long time. I am a recent college graduate who has in and out of a few relationships that never really meant much to me. My sophomore year, I met a girl a year younger than me, who I'll call Sally, through my swim team, and I was immediately attracted to her.

 

However, she was very focused, driven and introverted, and I never thought she would go for me. There was also a stigma associated with dating other team members, as any relationship (including one I had previously) that ended would cause lots of tension on the team and put both people in daily close proximity, so I put pursuing her out of my mind.

 

I became fast friends with her though, and early in my junior year my housemate asked me about her and if her could ask her out. My housemate (who I am not longer on good terms with) was not I would consider relationship material, as he would constantly hook up with random girls and never commit. I thought the two of them together was totally bizarre, but I said that it was okay. This date rapidly turned into a relationship, but I knew it was doomed from the start. Sally had never been in a relationship before, and my housemate treated her poorly and they would fight frequently.

 

My housemate would frequently drink and party and complain about how busy she always was, even though she tried to balance everything for him. He would complain to me all the time about her, and I tried to stay neutral, even though I wanted to beat him for the way he talked about her. Sally spent a semester in Europe and my housemate went to South America, despite his constant complaints they stayed together.

 

When they came back he admitted to cheating on her abroad, but she still stayed with him. They didn't see each other much, and he broke up with her at the beginning of senior year on the pretense of wanting to be single, only to date one of Sally's sorority sisters three weeks later. I was dating someone at the time who I eventually broke up with as well, and Sally was there to help me through it.

 

As senior year drew to a close I realized that over three years of knowing her I had suppressed very strong feelings about Sally, but I never acted out of them for fear of rejection and the awkwardness of our close friendship and my housemate constantly being nearby when she came over. I asked her to two date events, which were fun but didn't amount to anything. I still felt the same, and eventually got the courage to ask her out multiple times, which eventually led to us repeatedly spending the night together.

 

I was happier than I have ever been with her, our personalities are very similar. However, Sally eventually freaked out as graduation came closer, which I never viewed as an issue; she is a very mature girl and our houses are in the same state pretty close to each other. She said she didn't want to have a relationship, and she wasn't sure if she would in the near future. I was devastated, but we left it on good terms. She stayed at school, far away from me in the summer.

 

I would talk to her occasionally. However, my feelings for her started to get very strong, and I started talking more frequently. She was receptive, and it got to the point that we were at least extensively texting each other every day and saying goodnight for two solid months. I started feeling like I was in a state of limbo with her, and I had to tell her my feelings in person. A few days ago I traveled a long way to see her, and even after a fun date with her which I thought went well after we watched a movie, she became cold and distant.

 

I demanded to know what was going on, and she said we'd talk the next day. We talked for five hours the next day, in which she was initially angry with me for confronting her for now the third time; she hadn't viewed her behavior as anything but friendly. She wasn't being malicious, she was just making bad decisions, which she was sorry for. I eventually built up the courage to tell her that I genuinely loved her no matter what. She got visually upset and we ended on good terms again, but we agreed to not talk to each other for as long as it takes.

 

I don't know what to do now:(. I have never felt this strongly about anyone before; I really love her and I would wait forever for her. I have a very good job out of school, and my dad is rather ill, so I have other things to help take my mind off it and I can't afford to freak out. She wants to go to med school and I think that played a factor; shes incredibly driven and also, definitely because of her previous relationship, she has trouble fully expressing her emotions. But I also refuse to give up on her, my feelings are incredibly strong and genuine.

 

A lot of people just tell me to forget it and move on, or get angry with her, but I simply can't. I know that even months or even years from now I would not want to pursue other women, it would just be a placeholder for her. I told her I couldn't be her friend if she was with another person, it would be too painful for me to pretend it was okay for me.

 

We agreed that we would tell each other if we found new people, but I don't want to find someone new and I know for an undeniable fact she will do nothing with anyone at our very small school because she is very jaded with relationships in general. Please please help, I will give her space but I would go to the ends of the earth for her, as dumb as it sounds. I am in more emotional pain that I have ever been in my life and any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't think I can give up on her changing.

Edited August 18, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Courtesy paragraphs

[Queen of Hearts 10]

Can you condense this I can't read all that !

[nostromo]

Sorry about the length, I was pretty upset when I wrote it...basically I fell in love with a friend from school of three years and we started initiating a relationship before my graduation from college, but she freaked out and didn't want a relationship with me at the last minute, also possibly due to the fact she had a terrible prior relationship with my housemate and former friend. Outside of school we live close to each other relatively speaking, so I thought long distance was possible, but she said she didn't want to ruin our friendship and wasn't sure about us being together.

 

We left on good terms and went out to dinner when she came back home for a few days. Things went well, although we didn't do anything major. She's a very reserved girl who isn't the greatest at expressing feelings, probably due to her prior terrible relationship. She stayed at school in the summer, and eventually we started texting and calling each other up nearly every day, even saying good night to each other. I figured things had changed, and my feelings for her became powerful and very genuine.

 

I visited her a few days ago, and she said that things were still the same, almost angry that I thought different even though she had gotten close to me the night before after what I thought was a date. I told her that I loved her, and she got very shaken but said she didn't feel the same way. She's not interested in another person, or anyone for that matter, I think she's just really focused on her future/very wary and jaded of relationships. We agreed not to talk to each other for as long as necessary.

 

I am in a lot of pain and want to wait for her. A lot of people tell me she strung me along, but I know she didn't really mean to hurt me. She's my best friend and we talked about everything, and now all I have is a void. I recently got a really good job so I can focus on that and not totally freak out, but I miss her so much. I really do love her, all my friends tell me to get angry with her or forget about her, but they just don't understand how I feel. I just feel very lost and unhappy and don't know what to do.

[Queen of Hearts 10]

Well she sounds hard to read. Can you ask some of her friends what is going

on with here ? I would step back for about a week or two before you make contact. Be yourself. Women like cards and gifts. Buy her coffee.

 

One thing is for sure a woman either likes you or she doesn't ! So you have

to pick up on how she is toward you !

 

Each day is a new day. Women can be moody especially during that time of the month. Sorry, but thats the truth.

 

Good luck to you in your pursuit. I hope more people blog this for more info.

 

The Queen of Hearts