Struggling to forgive myself

[Superfish]

It's been 4 months almost since he broke up with me after 2 years together. Although I am over the worst grief of the lost relationship (I now have days where I think life can become good again somewhere down the road), I am stuck in a dark place of self blame and self hate. I've been working very hard on becoming happy again, trying to have hope for the future...

 

The thing is I can't forgive myself for being so stupid to have lost such a great man. He loved me SO much at one time.

 

I don't trust people easily and I definitely don't let people in easily. Therefore, I got waaay to dependent on him whom I let in all the way. I just read something about separation issues, where a person is so afraid of losing someone that the other person ends up feeling trapped, he even feels bad for leaving the house. It struck me how that fits me! Not that my issues are that pronounced, but I definitely wanted him around as much as possible, and the reason he wanted out was, as he said, that he couldn't hang with his friends as much as he wanted to (he had some other reasons too, the main thing is that he simply lost his feelings for me). Sounds like he felt trapped to me.

 

I hate myself for not realising my own shortcomings sooner. I really think we could be great if I had just behaved myself! All the things I did wrong, I didn't have to do them. I could've behaved if I had just been more aware of how I was acting and how it affected him. I was so blind. I hate myself for it! I just can't let it go.

 

As I said, I'm over the worst grief. I "know" now that I can be happy with someone else, and with myself in the mean time. It's just that I can't forgive myself for ruining something so beautiful just because I was too... I don't know... Too involved with the relationship, too wrapped up in it to see that I was strangling him.

 

How do I forgive myself? I'm so angry with myself that part of me doesn't even want to forgive myself.

[Dblock10]

sadly there is nothing you can do now. apart from learn from your mistakes, the good thing is you have realised this...

 

so in the future it wont happen again..

 

sad part is, its too late for this relationship with him. but everything happens for a reason so take comfort in that.

 

forgive yourself in knowing that you can only act how you feel in a given space of time. its really not your fault. just a mistake and you didnt ruin it, he just wasnt in the same place i.e wanting such an intense relationship.

[antinko]

Remember it's a two way street and I'm sure he wasn't perfect. You currently have him on a pedestal.

 

I also sincerely doubt you made any real mistakes. So you let yourself be emotional? That's supposed to happen in a truly loving relationship. I'm getting annoyed with this idea that emotions are somehow 'bad' and that being upset or having moments of insecurity are real signs of weakness. No, in actual fact, it shows you're a good human being for letting him in.

[Superfish]

Thank you so much for your replies, Dblock10 and antinko! It helps A LOT to hear someone say it isn't ALL my fault. It takes off a lot of pressure that's been building up inside me. I've stopped talking to people about this (I feel silly for being so hung up still, after almost 4 months, and also I don't want my relationships with people to revolve around this break up anymore). That means I get to have some "free time" with people who think I'm over it, but also that I don't have a vent for the bad feelings I build up and the anger I charge at myself. It helps so much to hear someone say what you have... I was afraid I'd get replies that it was entirely my fault and that I deserve it and that I'm too selfish and not good enough for him. I believe those things to be true, but hearing it from others would devastate me...

 

You currently have him on a pedestal

I guess you're pretty spot on there, antinko. Kinda hard to take him off there though. How do I do it when he hasn't done anything wrong? He gave himself up in that relationship, he was very loving and devoted to me, until he cracked... I guess his only fault was that he didn't step up sooner and tell me how he needed things to be. I was left guessing, but I didn't even guess. I thought everything was great...

[wilsonx]

Superfish for the past couple days when Im at work, I get the same feelings of pure guilt and I try to figure out a way to forgive myself.

 

There are several ways to go about forgiving yourself or help you along in the process

 

Meditation

Journaling

Affirmations

Atonement

 

There are probably more but these are the ones I have been researching. Right now, I am doing the top 3 for the past month and they do help a lot. If you stick to something and are consistent, in the end, it will all work out for the better

[JohnEl]

It's been 4 months almost since he broke up with me after 2 years together. Although I am over the worst grief of the lost relationship (I now have days where I think life can become good again somewhere down the road), I am stuck in a dark place of self blame and self hate. I've been working very hard on becoming happy again, trying to have hope for the future...

 

The thing is I can't forgive myself for being so stupid to have lost such a great man. He loved me SO much at one time.

 

I don't trust people easily and I definitely don't let people in easily. Therefore, I got waaay to dependent on him whom I let in all the way. I just read something about separation issues, where a person is so afraid of losing someone that the other person ends up feeling trapped, he even feels bad for leaving the house. It struck me how that fits me! Not that my issues are that pronounced, but I definitely wanted him around as much as possible, and the reason he wanted out was, as he said, that he couldn't hang with his friends as much as he wanted to (he had some other reasons too, the main thing is that he simply lost his feelings for me). Sounds like he felt trapped to me.

 

I hate myself for not realising my own shortcomings sooner. I really think we could be great if I had just behaved myself! All the things I did wrong, I didn't have to do them. I could've behaved if I had just been more aware of how I was acting and how it affected him. I was so blind. I hate myself for it! I just can't let it go.

 

As I said, I'm over the worst grief. I "know" now that I can be happy with someone else, and with myself in the mean time. It's just that I can't forgive myself for ruining something so beautiful just because I was too... I don't know... Too involved with the relationship, too wrapped up in it to see that I was strangling him.

 

How do I forgive myself? I'm so angry with myself that part of me doesn't even want to forgive myself.

 

i keep blamming myself for my girlfriend breaking up with me. we dated for three years and she dumped me because she felt like i wasnt giving enough attention. she felt that i took her for granted and i think that i did. i keep thinking that i coulda done this or shoulda done that. hindsight is 20/20 and things make more sense looking back on them. i am able to see what went wrong and i keep beating myself up over it becuase i feel like i neglected her a little bit but it was hard to show her how i care because the last 6 months were long distance. she broke up with me 2 weeks before she moved home. but what happened is what happened and we gotta learn from it. it so hard right now bc im only 4 days of NC. i still feel like shes going to come back or something but i know that wont happen. i am so mad at myself for letting her get away. shes with someone else now. she started dating him the same week we broke up. im a mess. but we just gotta keep on keepin on. the world still turns and your still breathing.

[jeff2321]

Hey Superfish.

 

Trust me when I know how you feel about regret. I have woken up everyday for the past year and felt regret about the way I treated my ex of 4 years. I complained too much, I often would tell her that she needed to lose weight too much, I worked too much, and I took her for granted by not hanging out with her enough. I simply wasn't there for a lot of the time. I was on her about her weight for nearly 2.5 years and it is no wonder why she left.... I have had to learn a hard hard lesson about being shallow I guess you could say. I was suicidal (mostly due to regret) for over 6 months and it is a miracle I didn't just throw myself off a cliff a few times -- I even started sky diving because I didn't care if I died jumping out of a plane [ Granted, I never hit her or cheated on her, but I think over the years I was too critical of her and it just made her grow to hate me ]

 

I just found out a few days ago that my ex got engaged to another guy 2 months after leaving me. That means she is probably already married by now since it has been a full year since she has left me. It hurts so much that my ex was able to find someone so fast, get married, and I've barely been able to function for a year due to the pain. I'm single, 31 years old, and have no kids.... I feel so behind. Everyone I work with is married and virtually every friend I have is married with kids. It's definitely been quite lonely the last 12 months.

 

My best advice to you is to just let the regret and pain flow. Face the pain and don't try to hide it or suppress it. I say this because there is no way to avoid the regret -- the only way through it is acceptance and to learn to forgive yourself. I have learned to forgive myself over the last year, but I still struggle with some grief over losing her and the way I treated her.

 

Finding out my ex is more than likely married has been a turning point for me though. It was painful but it got me to start thinking about how I've been wasting away in regret and sadness for a year and my life hasn't got any better. I've gained 20 lbs just sitting around moping and I am no longer going to let this past relationship cause me to ruin myself -- If I must carry this regret the rest of my life, then so be it, but I will no longer let myself rot away in my apartment everyday feeling sorry for myself that I screwed up. Sure I'm probably not good for any woman right now, but everyone deserves another shot at love and a great relationship after realizing the things you messed up on.

 

Tonight I think I just barely missed my ex at walmart. I ran into what I believe was her younger sister on the way out. I almost ran into her with my shopping cart because I was texting -- the moment it happened, adrenaline rushed through my veins and my heart started pounding. It felt as though I could have picked up a car and thrown it 10 feet. I was on instant speed after seeing just her sister. I quickly walked to my car and drove around the parking lot a few times in a curious mood wondering if in fact it was my ex and her sister, but luckily I didn't see anyone I could recognize again. [ Even if my ex was there, I wasn't about to talk to her... in fact if I saw her car I was going to take a different route out of walmart ].

 

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: I didn't find out about the engagement of my ex until 2 days ago, so it's been about 10 months since she got engaged. The reason for this is because I went full No Contact at the beginning because I was a complete wreck when she left. I knew there was no way I could handle anything that was going on after she left because I knew that she was going to go right back out into the dating world and get another boyfriend immediately. If you are in a lot of pain and you have a lot of regret about things... do yourself a favor and cut all contact with your ex now. If I had found out about the engagement 10 months ago, there would be no way I could have handled that piece of information... it would have turned my world upside down. Stay out of contact completely if you care at all about yourself. Trust me you can't handle what they are doing after they have left you. This means no facebook, and do not do google searches on your ex. [ I found out about the engagement from google ]. BUT I waited 12 months before I searched for anything.

 

Trust me I know what you're going through, so be good to yourself. Realize it will take awhile to get over it and just take it day by day. Talk to friends family as much as possible. Stay busy and try to steer your mind away from it. Sometimes it's better to not date for awhile as well, but I think it might be different for women when it comes to that (I am not sure as I'm a guy).

 

Your post here has touched me deeply and truly relates to my situation more than you know. Thank you for posting.

 

Best wishes for your healing,

 

Jeff2321

Edited August 16, 2011 by jeff2321

[JohnEl]

Hey Superfish.

 

Trust me when I know how you feel about regret. I have woken up everyday for the past year and felt regret about the way I treated my ex of 4 years. I complained too much, I often would tell her that she needed to lose weight too much, I worked too much, and I took her for granted by not hanging out with her enough. I simply wasn't there for a lot of the time. I was on her about her weight for nearly 2.5 years and it is no wonder why she left.... I have had to learn a hard hard lesson about being shallow I guess you could say. I was suicidal (mostly due to regret) for over 6 months and it is a miracle I didn't just throw myself off a cliff a few times -- I even started sky diving because I didn't care if I died jumping out of a plane [ Granted, I never hit her or cheated on her, but I think over the years I was too critical of her and it just made her grow to hate me ]

 

I just found out a few days ago that my ex got engaged to another guy 2 months after leaving me. That means she is probably already married by now since it has been a full year since she has left me. It hurts so much that my ex was able to find someone so fast, get married, and I've barely been able to function for a year due to the pain. I'm single, 31 years old, and have no kids.... I feel so behind. Everyone I work with is married and virtually every friend I have is married with kids. It's definitely been quite lonely the last 12 months.

 

My best advice to you is to just let the regret and pain flow. Face the pain and don't try to hide it or suppress it. I say this because there is no way to avoid the regret -- the only way through it is acceptance and to learn to forgive yourself. I have learned to forgive myself over the last year, but I still struggle with some grief over losing her and the way I treated her.

 

Finding out my ex is more than likely married has been a turning point for me though. It was painful but it got me to start thinking about how I've been wasting away in regret and sadness for a year and my life hasn't got any better. I've gained 20 lbs just sitting around moping and I am no longer going to let this past relationship cause me to ruin myself -- If I must carry this regret the rest of my life, then so be it, but I will no longer let myself rot away in my apartment everyday feeling sorry for myself that I screwed up. Sure I'm probably not good for any woman right now, but everyone deserves another shot at love and a great relationship after realizing the things you messed up on.

 

Tonight I think I just barely missed my ex at walmart. I ran into what I believe was her younger sister on the way out. I almost ran into her with my shopping cart because I was texting -- the moment it happened, adrenaline rushed through my veins and my heart started pounding. It felt as though I could have picked up a car and thrown it 10 feet. I was on instant speed after seeing just her sister. I quickly walked to my car and drove around the parking lot a few times in a curious mood wondering if in fact it was my ex and her sister, but luckily I didn't see anyone I could recognize again. [ Even if my ex was there, I wasn't about to talk to her... in fact if I saw her car I was going to take a different route out of walmart ].

 

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: I didn't find out about the engagement of my ex until 2 days ago, so it's been about 10 months since she got engaged. The reason for this is because I went full No Contact at the beginning because I was a complete wreck when she left. I knew there was no way I could handle anything that was going on after she left because I knew that she was going to go right back out into the dating world and get another boyfriend immediately. If you are in a lot of pain and you have a lot of regret about things... do yourself a favor and cut all contact with your ex now. If I had found out about the engagement 10 months ago, there would be no way I could have handled that piece of information... it would have turned my world upside down. Stay out of contact completely if you care at all about yourself. Trust me you can't handle what they are doing after they have left you. This means no facebook, and do not do google searches on your ex. [ I found out about the engagement from google ]. BUT I waited 12 months before I searched for anything.

 

Trust me I know what you're going through, so be good to yourself. Realize it will take awhile to get over it and just take it day by day. Talk to friends family as much as possible. Stay busy and try to steer your mind away from it. Sometimes it's better to not date for awhile as well, but I think it might be different for women when it comes to that (I am not sure as I'm a guy).

 

Your post here has touched me deeply and truly relates to my situation more than you know. Thank you for posting.

 

Best wishes for your healing,

 

Jeff2321

 

this relates to me. im full of regret for the way i acted while dating my ex. we were together for three years and the last year, i didnt giver her attention. i went out with the guys instead of her. one night, i was suppose to watch a movie with her and her family and i went to the casino instead. i was looking at other girls and wondering if they would be better. i was working out a lot and getting in really good shape and became cocky. i knew i could do better than her. once she left, i became a mess. didnt eat for two weeks, lost 20 pounds, couldnt sleep and was borderline suicidal. im still very upset, almost two months later. she began dating someone the same week we broke up. im assuming they are still together. i have no idea. NC for almost a week now. i keep beating myself up over this whole thing. i feel like i lost my one shot to be with someone who really loves me. she did, she loved me so damn much and i took it for granted. now shes gone and with someone who gives her tons of attention. i dont know how to forgive myself. i think about it 24/7. i have dreams about her coming back to me. i keep thinking to my self that in a month or two she will come back. once she realizes what we had, she will come back. but i know thats not true. shes happy to not be with me and it hurts me so much. she cares so much for me and i pushed her away. i feel like there isnt anyone else out there for me. i feel like ill have to settle for second best now. everyday sucks right now. all i do is think about her. she only lives two miles from my house and the guy shes dating now lives 3 hours away. i just want her back, but her parents hate me and shes happy to not feel neglected by me anymore. i still cry everyday. what do i do?

[Superfish]

Wilsonx: thank you for the tips! I too find comfort in journaling. It helps to write out my feelings exactly as they are without judgement when I'm at a dark place, and then read it over when I'm feeling better. Often times I realise that I was being unreasonable, silly or unnecessary hard on myself when I was writing. It helps to have that knowledge in the back of my head the next time I feel down - that I'm most likely making things worse than they are.

 

I've also noticed that events that I have been dreading (like seeing my ex at work, summer holiday by myself, birthday without him etc), actually turned out to be pretty good and that there was no need to worry at all. I've realised I have developed an unnecessary negative outlook on life and the future, and knowing this helps me handle the hard times better.

 

Thank you for sharing your stories, Jeff2321 and JohnE!. I hope you will get rid of that guilt soon. I found something that helped for me, maybe it'll help you too...

 

I have been hoping ever since the break up that he would realise it was a mistake, that he had made a rash decision and just needed some time on his own to figure it out himself. In the mean time, I would wait. I kind of made a deal with myself that I would do anything in my power to get him back. I knew it would hurt my a lot to do it, but I told myself that he was worth it, that that was how much I loved him, that I would do this for us... Messed up thinking I realise now. After all, there is no "us", he made sure of that!

 

Anyway, I knew the way to go about my mission was to give him space. So I've been faking it pretty much ever since. I've pretended that I'm over it, that we are friends and that I'm happy and OK now, no need for him to stress about it kind of. But all this faking it means I've had to direct all the anger and disappointment onto myself. I've been walking all over myself. I wanted to spare him for any discomfort, but it's been eating me up instead. I never should have behaved as though we are friends when I wasn't ready for it. He likes talking to me, and I've been welcoming it, talking in that friendly, familiar and joking way we always used to.

 

But here the other day, I told him it must stop. I told him that he should stop coming by my desk to talk at work, that we aren't friends and never will be, and that he should stop talking to me in that familiar way. That I wanted us to be civilised and friendly, but not friends. And it's been working great! It was as though I forgave myself the minute I said it. Now I'm the one rejecting him and I don't feel so hopeless any more. Although I miss the talks, I realise that he was in fact using me, and that isn't right. He shouldn't have the privilege of being close to me when he doesn't want us to be together. I have stood up for myself, and it feels so great and liberating!

 

I think the guilt I felt after the break up, made me decide to do make it easy on him rather than focus on myself as a way of making things right. That I had to suffer because of what I had done (which is nothing, I realise now, it just didn't work out between us). But the minute I realised it couldn't continue that way, the minute I stood up for myself, the guilt flew away and I feel free. It probably wasn't guilt I felt at all, but something else that I can't explain... Maybe it was a lack of self love?

 

I know the guilt and anger will come back sometime. It's a process. The stages of grief, sorrow, anger, disappointment, shock, denial, hope are returning... I like to think of my feelings as going through a spiral. At the break up, you are at the core where every feeling is extremely powerful and it hurts so much. Then you go through the stages of different feelings and after a round you are one step out from the core. And so it spirals out, hurting less and less for every round.