I went off the deep end!

[ramble on rose]

I consider myself to be a very cool, laid back, down to earth and patient woman. However, a series of events after finding out my boyfriend of a year was cheating on me took me into a really bad place!

 

I am a divorced single mom, and normally just casually date and enjoy my freedom and my independence. I met a man last November and we hit it off immediately. We developed an intense friendship and sexual relationship. After about 6 months we decided to become exclusive, although he seemed hesitant for awhile, claiming it was because he was busy with his own children and didn't like the "label" of relationship. We spent almost every waking moment together.

 

My children were gone visiting family for 3 weeks, which was the first time i'd had that much alone time in YEARS! During that time we of course spent every night together. In 3 short weeks, after a late night phone call in which he told the caller that "nobody" was home with him, I did a little investigating...come to find out he's been hooking up with strange women online for sex, and then I find him in bed with a woman who also claimed to be his girlfriend. The man has been living a double, if not triple, life.

 

It was horrifying, devastating, etc....he begged for me back, and told lies back and forth between myself and the other woman. I have never found myself in such a sick situation, and I didn't know what to do. He is so convincing and says allllll the right things. He called me and asked me to call him on his home line; he gives me the number (i had since erased it) and the other woman answers the phone! He mistakenly gave me HER number....we talked for about 10 hours and discussed the horrifying revelations.

 

Well of course you would think I'd never take him back....but...temporarily, I did. All my strength went out the window, because it was such a horrible nightmare I didn't want to believe any of it had happened....I couldn't accept the fact that I fell in love with a SOCIOPATH! So I denied every feeling to myself and pretended everything was going to be OK. That didn't last long, as I come to find out he kept continuing to see the other woman, as well as continuing to meet other women online. This time I dumped him without an explanation.

 

Cut forward to 2 months later....where he has been trying to contact me. I would hang up, log off IM or do whatever I had to do to not utter one word. However, he somehow lured me back into conversation and somehow I ended up missing him and feeling weak. He said he wanted to be everything I deserved, that if he ever came back he would have to do some serious changing (no kidding). Sunday out of the blue I decided to show up at his house to talk...and there he was with the other woman. I have remained calm, cool and collected this entire time, and even when i found her in bed with him I did not start throwing knives or punching anyone out. However, when I saw him with her, and her wearing the shirt I had bought him.....I lost it. I marched right up to him and said he needed to make a decision....he said, please come in the house and let's talk...I thought, my goodness, a chance to redeem himself by telling the actual truth...so I went in.

 

Next thing I know, he is screaming every obscenity at me and got within an inch of my face telling me he didn't want me, but wanted her...I was in total shock, because I had never seen this disgusting rage before. I stood up and was calmly trying to speak...next thing I know he is dialing 911 to get me to leave!! I took the phone out of his hand and threw it against the wall. Next thing I know, he lunges at me and has slammed me up against the wall. Now, you may think because I have been delusional and thought this guy was even worth considering taking back, that I would be OK with him physically hurting me....well..WRONG!! I used my tae kwon do training and kicked the living sh** out of him, clocked him a few times in the face and walked out! This was the only good thing that came out of this whole sick disaster!!!!!!!!!!

 

I was sick, stunned, disgusted....the police show up...I calmly tell them everything....nobody presses charges and I leave to go home.

 

That evening I wrote an e-mail apologizing for showing up unannounced and trying to control a situation where I had no control, and said goodbye (I felt so sick and wanted my own closure, I felt that is what I had to do). He popped up on my IM the next day at work, to apologize and ask some questions he said he needed to be answered. Turns out the other woman was sitting right there with him and he was manipulating my answers. He lied about making contact with me and of course lied about everything else. When he told me she was there I said goodbye and logged off.

 

Now, I'm done....forever. I actually have started going to therapy because of MY sick attachment to this guy. I hadn't opened myself up fully to any man after my divorce, and although I have no problem dating or meeting men...this is the one I chose to involve myself with. Even as I'm writing this post it makes me want to vomit. My problem now is healing from thinking everything was right in the universe, to something out of Jerry Springer. I am an educated woman, attractive, loving....how this happened I will never quite understand.

 

I know from experience that this was all a lesson, and that I will be better off without him...but I feel like I wasted an entire year of my life on a lie. That thought keeps me in a mild stupor for most of the day. I'm not stupid enough to think that my life is over, that this is the last time I will love....but I'm afraid because I allowed so much to happen. There were tons of warning signs but I chose to ignore all of them.

 

Well I got to vent. Actually writing this makes me feel much better...and I hope that anybody who reads this and is in a similar situation will learn and run for the hills. Women, especially....trust your instincts!!!!!!!!!!

[moimeme]

Women, especially....trust your instincts!!!!!!!!!!

 

You are SO right!!!

 

What an awful situation! Poor you! Thank heavens you weren't hurt badly. I hope he didn't give you any diseases!!!

 

It's good of you to tell your cautionary tale. Your story is exactly why we have to be so careful when meeting new people - you just never know what sort of oddball someone might be!

[Arabess]

Rose,

 

I don' t think there is a time frame involved in finding out the person you love has a Jeckle-Hyde character flaw. Some people don't find out until years into the relationship or marriage that their loved one has a nasty dard side. The only redeeming part in all this....is that you found out he was a lying cheating A$$ early on.

 

I think you handled it very well. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, you allowed him time to clarify...and when he didn't.....you kicked him in the balls. GOOD JOB!!!!

 

Arabess

[trying]

Some people stay in such situations for many years.

I think it is great that you got out after only a year!

Focus on you.

I hope you never contact this man ever again.

No phone calls, no emails, no letters, nothing.

[ramble on rose]

Thank you all for your replies. I have been walking around so humiliated, I can't tell you the tears I've cried and how sick I've been in the pit of my stomach since all this began. I still go to work every day, take care of my kids...I know it will subside and I certainly know that any form of contact is emotionally dangerous. I have no desire to say one word but I'm disappointed in myself for even thinking I would find some answers or some redeeming qualities.

[SoleMate]

Sounds like you're beating yourself up pretty hard. I have a question: What will it take for you to forgive yourself?

 

It's so painful to hear about the load you're carrying, especially the humiliation. Well, you know what...you made some mistakes, but the mistakes don't equal YOU. Peel them off and let them drop into the flowing river under your feet. Let the real you back out. You have my permission to love and value yourself again.

 

Be well.

[gwennebe]

No need for you to feel bad about yourself at all. YOu didn't do anything wrong. He is the one that needs help just remember that. Don't beat yourself up for caring about him. He lied to you and made you fall in love with someone who didn't exist but don't let that stop you in the future. Just trust your instincts and always to make sure you take care of yourself and your kids first. Don't worry Karma always has a way of working itself out. TRUST ME ON THAT ONE!!!

[lostforwords]

omg...... you have accomplished what so many women want to do....... be very proud of yourself..... that sob got what he deserved..... you sound like a very strong woman. damn i wish i was a fly on the wall!!!! lol im proud of ya!!

[moimeme]

Rose -

 

You have a good heart; you looked for the good and redeemable in him. This is a great quality and speaks to your fundamental kindness. Never be ashamed of that.

[ramble on rose]

You are all so incredibly sweet and supportive, thank you

 

My worst feelings come from the fact that I went over there in a moment of weakness. I could have turned away and left without being seen. If I hadn't been weak in letting him try to lure me back into feelings by talking to him, it probably wouldn't have happened. However, in the back of my mind, I didn't want to prolong the pain I have been dealing with. And yes, it felt great to punch him in the face, I'm sorry to say! That was what I should've done months ago.

 

Still, I hate leaving things this disgusting. He tried to back out of it scot-free but I knew better. And I also knew he'd try to sneak back in my life again, when things went wrong with the other woman. I realized that's what I'll always be to him: back-up. I don't want to be the back-up plan for anyone, but it still hurts like hell. I know I'll get another chance to dismiss contact because I know he'll be back, this is just the kind of person he is. When that happens, I know that I will be able to turn away without a word. This other woman is pretty much as sick as he is, and enjoyed the display. Now I'm sure they're content together thinking I'm some kind of psychopath, when they both know the truth. I shouldn't care but I hate delusion, especially when I have been the victim. I liked the advice about forgiving myself my mistakes and moving on. I've never been able to do that before, usually because I try so hard not to make mistakes in the first place. I'm human though!

[Chipawaw2]

Rose-

 

Don't even feel bad about what has happened "to" you. Its not about you at all. Its all about that other persons hatred for himself. As for the other woman that liked the drama... Oh yea, she dug it, but MAKE NO MISTAKE the exact same thing will happen to her. Actually it will happen 10x's worse because he has shown her off the top how he treats his women. I too walked in on my ex doin the nasty, after enduring countless years of thinking he was cheating....him denying it...and me going back on my guy (Never again). I was then cursed out by him...and was kicked out as she sat there and smirked. She layed there butt-azz naked, didnt have any shame didnt even try to cover herself. She knew he had a girlfriend. Mattered not. All I could think about was drop kicking her in the face and then drop kicking him. But I didn't. I just walked away. I could relate to your story as if I wrote it myself. Outside of the fight breaking out, I was lead astray, cheated on and made to feel like dirt for giving a rats-azz about someone that was not worthy. Its humiliating I know, but believe it or not you got the best end of the deal. At least you can move on and heal from the mess. He has to still be him.

 

And if she chooses to do a Tammy Wynette and "Stand by her man"...then let her. Being with him will be like eating an ice-cream cone outside in NYC on a 90-degree day...Yea you can taste it....but you cant really enjoy it because you're too busy constantly cleaning up the mess. You seem too together for that. It has not been that long since my encounter ( 3 months Dec) and I still think about every day how low-down and cruddy everything was, but I am also SO thankful that I found out who he was early on (after 3 years....but hey it could have been 10, 20,30...) . I know this sounds stupid....but the BEST thing that could have happen was for you to walk in on them....because otherwise, you would have NEVER believed it for yourself, you would have always doubted yourself and always believed his lies. And I will tell you this too...The reason he wanted to fight you and then try to do the "IM" thing with the girl right there is to try to further humiliate you because he now knows his charms and magic don't work on you anymore (and how dare you not be charmed by him), and to try to soothe her a little. I said it to my ex "I know why you are mad...because for the 1st time in 3 years you found yourself in a situation you couldn't lie or charm your way out of".

 

Stand tall. You have done the hardest part (leaving). The rest is a cake walk

 

Chip

[ramble on rose]

Chip-

 

Thanks so much for your insight. Man I have been suffering by analyzing and trying to understand WHY all this happened...taking a personal beating....I'm frankly F***ing fed up with thinking about it. Some moments I miss the "good" times....others I want another chance to beat the **** out of him. It does me no good anymore to keep going over it in my head, so I've been trying to get it out of my system.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through it too. This crap all started in mid-August, so you see I've been dealing with aftermath since then. Enough!! When I start thinking in a convoluded way...I force myself to think of every rotten horrible thing he's said and done....it makes it easier to pat myself on the back for leaving his stupid ass. It's just hard for me to believe there are people in this world who would lie, cheat and use like he did. Maybe I'm naive....but I've never been around someone like this before. Maybe that's why I kept going back for answers. How can someone take your heart, be with your children, tell you he loves you....then turn around and do the exact opposite of what he says? I know that this will prepare me very well in case another one like him comes along. I am a tough cookie, you know, but my heart is so tender and fragile....and big. It can be such a good quality but can also be my demise.

 

Keep your chin up girl...if I can get through the days smiling and peaceful then I know there's hope.