Needed to vent...

[willingtotry]

Even after splitting up with my ex (6 years), I continued to keep in contact with her, although I was dating someone else. I guess I missed not being able to talk to her (we had been great friends), and I still loved her.

 

For this I paid dearly, because eventually something happened between my ex and I. We both were seeing other people at the time it happened. Although we both contributed to the mistake (we did not sleep together), I realized that it wasn't a good idea for the both of us to continue as we had been from that point on. When I told her that we needed to stop communicating and could not see each other, she ruined it for me with the person that I was dating at the time by sticking herself in the middle of that situation. She was and is still with the same guy...

 

Anyway, I cannot believe it has taken me this long to let go of this woman (my ex). We both used each other as a crutch. I should have stopped this a long time ago. This morning she contacted me talking about how she had to hear my voice, the basic crap about wanting to be with me, and how she wants to marry me and the BS goes on and on. She really had nothing new to say... She said she would call me back, so I told her don't bother ever calling me again.

 

After hanging up, I then text messaged her, with a little bit of spice (a few explitives) - I told her to stop lying and be true to herself, f*ck whatever we had, to f*ck off, and have a nice life!!!!

 

Ahhh, I just had to share that. I definitely want to say that I have kicked that habit for good. Damn its such a shame that it took so long, I lost someone that was good to me in the process of getting over her.

[Arabess]

The problem in staying friends AFTER you break up is that it often leads to one of the people reading into the friendship and think the previous relationship still has a chance. I think you were wise to make sure she knew it was over. Maybe you could have been more diplomatic....hahaha.....but at least you were honest in not leading her on.

 

Is she the kind who will take the hint or do you think she will continue to have the need to "hear your voice"?

[lostforwords]

Good for you dood..... ive read so many posts about people not being able to let go of the ex.... and it can be very traumatic and heart breaking...... you have done the right thing, the last thing you need is for someone meddling in your relationships now and try messing with your head!!!! kudos to you dood!!!!!!!

[willingtotry]

Maybe you could have been more diplomatic....hahaha.....but at least you were honest in not leading her on.

 

I have been more diplomatic in the past, but this morning I was fed up. It just got to me how someone will sit there and say all these things over and over again. Are they so dillusional that they don't realize that nothing has or is changing and that the other person will eventually realize this.

 

Originally posted by Arabess

Is she the kind who will take the hint or do you think she will continue to have the need to "hear your voice"?

 

Like I said, I have never really quit cold turkey when it comes to my ex. I've always been weak when it comes to her, even though I was the one who broke it off with her initially. Then someone who was good to me came into my life, but I still had to hold onto my ex (I WAS SO STUPID!!!). Now that I don't have that person anymore, I don't want to be on some see-saw type of thing with my ex. Which she obviously LOVES!!! She can have the TWO men that she CLAIMS to love in her life. I'm taking the cake and shoving it in her face and down her throat so she can choke on it. She even went as far as to say if I get involved with someone else it is going to piss her off... PLEASE!!!! I don't care anymore with regards to what she does with her life, I just don't want it to be a part of mine.

 

Do I sound bitter?

[Iamhappy]

When I told her that we needed to stop communicating and could not see each other, she ruined it for me with the person that I was dating at the time by sticking herself in the middle of that situation.

 

Warning: Dose of Reality to be administered

 

Sorry to bring this up, but if I recall correctly:

 

1. Weren't you the one who, in an attempt to evoke some sort of (jealous) response from your ex, went over to her house to tell her about how great your relationship was with this other woman (which, sadly, did not exist for her)?

 

2. You fooled around with the ex. She called and wanted to stop by the next day and all you could say was "No, I don't think it's a good idea." Way to stick to your convictions. She stopped by anyway which resulted into her bumping into the person you were seeing (who wasn't seeing you). How can you say that your ex stuck herself in the middle of that situation?

 

3. This person that you thought were dating - isn't she the same one who denied being in a relationship with you despite behaving otherwise. Isn't she also the same person who told you (co-incidentally only after bumping into your ex) that she stopped by that day to tell you she was now ready to move from friendship to a real relationship but because of the ex, she wasn't so sure again?

 

Why the need to be such a jerk here:

 

I then text messaged her, with a little bit of spice (a few explitives) - I told her to stop lying and be true to herself, f*ck whatever we had, to f*ck off, and have a nice life!!!!

 

Your visit to her served it's purpose - now she wants you back. Granted she's still with another person, but so were you when you started something up with her again.

 

Hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You're black.

 

I lost someone that was good to me in the process of getting over her.

 

First of all, this person wasn't good to you. She didn't even want to be with you and told you so from the beginning. She only wanted to have a relationship with you when she thought she was losing you. And when that didn't happen, all of a sudden she's back to not being sure about being anything more than friends with her.

 

Secondly, you were rebounding and you used her to make your hurt and pain go away. Furthermore, you used her to get back at your ex and to make your ex jealous.

 

You need to go back and read your original post.

 

I know I'm being really harsh here, but it does you no good to paint a distorted version of reality.

 

You need to accept your share of responsibility for that which has transpired here.

[willingtotry]

Originally posted by lostforwords

Good for you dood..... ive read so many posts about people not being able to let go of the ex.... and it can be very traumatic and heart breaking...... you have done the right thing, the last thing you need is for someone meddling in your relationships now and try messing with your head!!!! kudos to you dood!!!!!!!

 

Hey it took me a year!!! Unbelieveable, a whole year , to realize that she does nothing good for me. I have friends, but not the type of friends that I can always rely on to be there for me, because everyone else is doing their own thing. I'm so glad I found this forum. This is such a helpful tool when we all need someone to talk to. It may not be an immediate response, but you usually get not ONE, but a FEW ears.

[Iamhappy]

Here is your original post (my reply and your follow-up reply are included):

 

willing to try:

 

Advice about winning her back... Post: 1 | Quote:

 

I'm going to try and sum this up as short and sweet as I can. Its really been a long year...

 

Been dating a girl (K), who works for the same company as myself for a year now. I had previously been with my ex for 6 years (we lived together). K and I have had our ups and downs, but it was mostly due to my stupidity with regards to my ex. K has always stated that she did not want a relationship with me, and was not looking for one. We behaved like a couple, everyone else thought we were one, but I kept hearing the same thing - WE ARE NOT A COUPLE!! I hated not knowing where we were going, especially with spending so much time together (5 out of 7 days a week).

 

Now I'll just get to the point of why K and I are where we are today. I had continued to communicate with my ex on and off. In July, I went to go see my ex to let her know how happy I was, that this new girl was really special to me and to tell her that we should just be friends. I don't know what prompted me to do this. I guess I also wanted to see if I still had strong feelings for my ex. While visiting my ex, something happened! It was not totally terrible, but it was bad.

 

The following day, my ex contacted me and asked to come over. I told her that I did not think it was a good idea due to what happened yesterday. K came over that day, and my ex showed up at my door a few minutes later. Let us just say that what was said was not pretty, and what happened the previous night was let out. I know it was extremely embarassing for K. I know that K was hurt. K told me later that she actually came over that day to let me know she was ready to step up our friendship to a true relationship.

 

Of course I was put on punishment by K. Things have never returned to their original level between us, because K thinks that I cannot let go of my ex. It has gone up a little, and then back down. Here we are in November, and we had a big fallout, and she told me its still really hard for her to trust me. She did say we will take it one day at a time. I try to do this, but it is so hard, especially wnen I know I am ready to completely give all of myself to her. I know I don't want to push her away by being too much.

 

What am I to do? I am so willing to give all of myself for K. I know I messed up, but my ex is a thing of the past. Do you think it is too late for I and K. It is so hard for me, not only do I think about K all the time, she also works in the same building with me. I really do love this girl. All throughout the time that K and I have dated I have been so unsure of where it was going, but there is one thing I am so sure of ---> I LOVE HER...

 

Iamnotnothing:

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think things are going to work out between you and K.

 

I think she was your rebound and whether she was aware of it or not, she was using you to fill some void in her life.

 

She told you from the very beginning that she didn't want a relationship with you. I understand how confusing this message must have been considering how you both engaged in behaviour that had you and everyone else around you believing otherwise. However, her ambivalence about being in a relationship with you speaks volumes about her willingness (or lack thereof) to engage in something more meaningful with you.

 

Though I am inclined to agree from the way that you described things that the two of you were a couple, I think your partnership with K was based on deception - on both your parts.

 

I don't think you were over your ex when you started up with K. Why did you feel the need to tell your ex that you were so happy in your non-relationship with K? What kind of response were you looking for? To me, that sounds like a guy who's trying to make his ex jealous.

 

You yourself admit that you wanted to see if you still had strong feelings for ex and that something happened between the two of you. I'm guessing sex and if not, pretty darn near close to it.

 

Did you put a stop to it? My money's on no, not really. If you had, I hardly think the ex would have called you the following day asking to come over. If you were really serious about your non-relationship with K, I think your answer would have been much stronger than, "I don't think it's a good idea."

 

I think K is self-delusional as well. For an entire year she's been giving you mixed messages about whether or not you're in a relationship with her. And it was only later, "coincidentally," after the confrontation with your ex, that all of a sudden she is ready to step up the relationship from friendship to a true relationship. This is laughable since the two of you have been behaving like a couple for the last year.

 

And now, she's not ready to move to that next level. I have news for you buddy, I don't think she ever will be. The thing with your ex shook her up and she didn't want to lose you. At the same time, she doesn't really want to be with you.

 

I'm sure your feelings for K are real, but you sound like a guy who has nothing left and just wants to hold on to something. The ex is now gone so the only one left is the one yanking your chain.

 

willingtotry:

 

I will have to agree with you completely... I just posted this on here to re-affirm what I expected to happen. I know that there was like a .0001% chance that things could work out between K and myself. I just felt like I wanted to vent since I know that I would have to work around this individual at some point. Lessons have been learned. I have seen myself at my best, and at my worst - seen quite a few of my weaknesses.

 

It is not a total loss, just one of the learning experiences that life has to offer. If I look at it from the beginning I was already rebounding, so basically the whole thing was a mess from the start because I did not give myself enough time to get over my ex. She was also very confusing in her actions and words which did nothing but complicate matters for either of us.

 

I will lay low for a while and if I do date, its going to be totally casual. Definitely nothing serious.

[willingtotry]

Originally posted by Iamnotnothing

Warning: Dose of Reality to be administered

 

Sorry to bring this up, but if I recall correctly:

 

1. Weren't you the one who, in an attempt to evoke some sort of (jealous) response from your ex, went over to her house to tell her about how great your relationship was with this other woman (which, sadly, did not exist for her)?

 

I did NOT go over to see my ex with the intention of making her JEALOUS. That was someone's ASSUMPTION of the situation. At the time we both talked to each other occasionally, we were both dating other people. If you are implying that I was trying to make her JEALOUS, then obviously I would have had to be JEALOUS of her relationship myself, which I am not. I was happy for her, and I sincerely thought she would be happy for me. My intentions were to see if we could build a friendship. I knew I still loved her, but not seeing her for so many months, I wanted to actually see how I would feel when I saw her.

 

2. You fooled around with the ex. She called and wanted to stop by the next day and all you could say was "No, I don't think it's a good idea." Way to stick to your convictions. She stopped by anyway which resulted into her bumping into the person you were seeing (who wasn't seeing you). How can you say that your ex stuck herself in the middle of that situation?

 

I told my ex what happened the previous night was a mistake, and I don't' think it would be a good idea for her to come over. Not because the other girl was there, she didn't even call me yet to ask to stop by, but because I knew my ex would try and come on to me if she came over there, so I felt it was pointless. Didn't want to make the SAME MISTAKE AGAIN. The other girl later called and came over. My ex showed up at the door and I went outside to talk to her. Pulled the door behind me, but did not close it. I asked her why she still came, after I told her not to and if she would respect my wishes and leave. I told her I had company and now was not a good time to discuss this and I would call her later. This happened all by the door, which was as I said, pulled, but not locked. I stood to the side of the door facing her, and it was possible for her to open the door, which she DID, and proceeded to introduce herself. She went as far as to let the person know what happened the previous night as well... (this is where I get my STUCK HERSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT SITUATION).

 

 

3. This person that you thought were dating - isn't she the same one who denied being in a relationship with you despite behaving otherwise. Isn't she also the same person who told you (co-incidentally only after bumping into your ex) that she stopped by that day to tell you she was now ready to move from friendship to a real relationship but because of the ex, she wasn't so sure again?

 

To be honest, my ex had always tried to be a part of my life since I met this girl, so she had every right to feel the way she did. Sometimes I would be talking to her late at night or early morning around 1am, in my living room, and my ex would come banging on the door. Loud enough so neighbors could hear. Of course that would set someone thinking "Hey whats going on here?". This was not the first time the girl felt on edge about the whole situation... Yes she said she didn't want a relationship and her actions showed different. I bet she even thought I was probably sleeping with my ex... with all the stuff that happened, who knows what was running through her mind...

 

Why the need to be such a jerk here:

 

 

Your visit to her served it's purpose - now she wants you back. Granted she's still with another person, but so were you when you started something up with her again.

 

When you say my visit to her SERVED ITS PURPOSE, what are you IMPLYING? I didn't go visiting her askl her to come back. After that incident we didn't speak for quite some time... That was my doing... I later called her, and we started to talk again. Throughout the situation of me dating this girl I NEVER TOLD MY EX I WANTED HER BACK. I know I still love my ex, but it is one of those situations where I can't communicate with her. Its not going to lead to anything positive down the line. All I will ever hear from my ex is how much she loves me, how much she wants to marry me and how she wants to have kids. Basically I know these are all lies. I have told her, MANY TIMES, be true to yourself about what you want. This has been going on for a WHILE NOW. So this morning I put an end to it...

 

Hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You're black.

 

 

 

First of all, this person wasn't good to you. She didn't even want to be with you and told you so from the beginning. She only wanted to have a relationship with you when she thought she was losing you. And when that didn't happen, all of a sudden she's back to not being sure about being anything more than friends with her.

 

Secondly, you were rebounding and you used her to make your hurt and pain go away. Furthermore, you used her to get back at your ex and to make your ex jealous.

 

Maybe I didn't paint the whole PICTURE. I did not use this girl to make my ex JEALOUS. I DUMPED MY EX, what the hell would I want to make her jealous for? She obviously was still interested in getting back with me, and I was telling her to MOVE ON the WHOLE TIME...

 

You need to go back and read your original post.

 

I know I'm being really harsh here, but it does you no good to paint a distorted version of reality.

 

You need to accept your share of responsibility for that which has transpired here.

[willingtotry]

We both used each other as a crutch. I should have stopped this a long time ago.

 

I dunno if you consider this me taking responsibility for what had happened, but I sure do... My ex is currently using me as a crutch as I was using her when I was with the other girl. I said I should have stopped it a long time ago. Hey I said I should have ended this along time ago... Hmm, I think I am owning up to some of this...

[Iamhappy]

I stand by what I said.

 

it does you no good to paint a distorted version of reality.

 

You need to accept your share of responsibility for that which has transpired here.

 

You are so mired in feeling sorry for yourself and having other people feel sorry for you, that you don't even realize how many times you contradict yourself.

 

It is difficult to reason with you because you aren't interested in reason. All you seem to be interested in right now is in rationalizing and blaming your ex for your current situation.

 

(Note: Edited because "There is no reasoning with you" is way too harsh.)

 

You seem to lack a sense of self-awareness that would enable you to realize or perhaps to even entertain the thought that you actively participated in this melodrama.

 

I understand that you might be feeling a wee bit sensitive right now and I do feel sympathy for you, but I still think that you need to go back and re-read your original post. It might help you gain some clarity as to your true motives.

[toots307]

This is really interesting.

 

 

TO Iamnotnothing: You have a very amazing way of making your point. AWESOME!!

 

TO willingtotry: Listen to Iamnotnothing - some really good points there.

 

'Maybe I didn't paint the whole PICTURE. I did not use this girl to make my ex JEALOUS. I DUMPED MY EX, what the hell would I want to make her jealous for? She obviously was still interested in getting back with me, and I was telling her to MOVE ON the WHOLE TIME...'

 

 

Were you telling the ex to move on while the 'bad thing' was happening between you or did you just enjoy the screwing around while it lasted and afterwards told her to move on??

 

I can't blame the ex for thinking she has a chance with you when you go over to tell her you are happy in your new relationship and then end up screwing around with her.

 

I'd let both women go and do some soul searching.

[willingtotry]

Originally posted by Iamnotnothing

I stand by what I said.

 

 

 

You are so mired in feeling sorry for yourself and having other people feel sorry for you, that you don't even realize how many times you contradict yourself.

 

It is difficult to reason with you because you aren't interested in reason. All you seem to be interested in right now is in rationalizing and blaming your ex for your current situation.

 

(Note: Edited because "There is no reasoning with you" is way too harsh.)

 

You seem to lack a sense of self-awareness that would enable you to realize or perhaps to even entertain the thought that you actively participated in this melodrama.

 

I understand that you might be feeling a wee bit sensitive right now and I do feel sympathy for you, but I still think that you need to go back and re-read your original post. It might help you gain some clarity as to your true motives.

 

When have I stated that I just sat on the sidelines and watched this whole thing happen? I stated that I should have let go of my ex along time ago, but I didn't. Why, because I didn't want to. I have now come to the realization that I need to, because its not going to amount to anything positive. I don't know how else to say it. I am not looking for anyone's pity. I don't feel sorry for myself right now. I don't have anyone, and you know what, ITS OKAY. I might not have said this about two weeks ago, but life does go on.