How to deal with this? Im so broken!

[Gibster]

Ok guys, I really hope someone can help me out because I swear I dont understand anything and Im so broken I havent managed to do anything in the last few weeks other than sit home and go around this on my head.

 

Its a pretty long story but I think writing it will maybe help me to see it with a little perspective...

.... So I meet this girl over a year ago, she was dating this guy at the time. Her relationship with him was the most horrible relationship one can possibly have. He abused her both physically and psychologically. He pushed her around, spat on her FACE on public, insulted her, accused her of cheating on him (falsely, while he was cheating on her) throw her to the ground....Im sure u can all imagine.

She stayed in this relationship for close to two years, They would break up and get back together, break up again and so on.

Fast forward to May last year, they broke up and she came to a dinner party I had. We had a great time, laughed, talked and hit it off in a crazy way. We made out too and she fall sleep with me though we didnt have any sex. Next day we meet for lunch, watched a film and again she fall sleep with me, I remember that night like one of the best nights of my life, we would wake up in the middle of the night to kiss each other and then we would hug and fall sleep again. She told me about her previous relationship and I felt the strongest "puppy love" ever. I took it as my duty to make her the happiest girl in the world, being the "prince charming" I always thought girls need. One week or so after she came to me and said, look; I really like you, you are an amazing person, but I just finished a really messed up relationship and I cant jump into a new one just like this ( we got together merely a week after she and her ex broke up). It sucked, but deep inside I realized that she was right, that she needed to "heal" before she could start a new relationship. I gave her all her space and few days later she texted me saying how she wasnt able to stop thinking about me... So we reunited and kiss and it was all good for another week. But then, she had the same "Guilt trip" and broke it off again... I was kinda sad, I know two weeks are not that long at all but sometimes thats all U need to fall head over heels for someone. Few days later she called me and wanted to talk so she came to my place. We were home and I had to run to the store to buy some stuff (this is maybe at midnight) so I took a taxi and left her waiting watching a movie or something. When I was coming back I see her psycho exboyfriend in my door steps, while I was paying for my taxi, this moron came straight to me and tried to sucker punch me. He failed, we danced for a little and then some people got in the middle and separated us. I went upstairs and told her what had just happened, she got really nervous and we kissed and again, we got back together and had the best time for maybe another week.. Then, surely enough, her confusion set in and again she wanted to break up. I told her this is the third time you are doing this, I wont come back again so you must think what you really want to do. She said she didnt know, we both cried and kissed goodbye. She left me and it was the worst time ever for me. This was in early June and we are both medical students so U can imagine the workload I had in front of me with exams and whatnot. I was so hurt and so angry that I just packed my bag and took a train the same day to go visit my best friend, skipped maybe 2 weeks of class and came back devastated to try and pass my finals. We exchanged some messages in which she said she missed me, but she didnt know whether to trust her heart or her head.

One day, I was walking down the street and saw her coming towards me, and when she saw me, she jumped into the hotel she was walking by, and didnt say hi or nothing. Im sure U can imagine my WTF face :-(

Then, two days later, she deleted me from facebook out of the blue, and when I texted her being like what the hell is wrong with you, she deleted her facebook account altogether.

One day maybe a week later I was at a friends place and she called and I didnt feel like speaking to her so I didnt pick up the phone , but sent her a message right away saying something like "I dont feel there is nothing we should say to each other bc the way you have been acting, im sorry :-("

The summer came and i managed to get the most important exams out of the way and flew home. I missed her everyday and thought of her all the time. I live in one Spanish Island which is worldwide known for its beaches and its clubs and fun, but I couldnt enjoy any of it because whenever a girl would come and talk to me her face would just come to my head and I just missed her terribly and would have given anything to be with her. Her bday was on the summer and I sent her an email wishing her a nice one and all the best and all this crap and she never replied, so I sent her a pretty angry message the day after telling her to be normal and to stop acting like if she was 13... needless to say, she didnt reply to that text either.

So the summer came to an end and it was time to fly back to uni. I came and I worked my a** and managed to pass the finals I didnt do in June.

One day me and the boys went clubbing and I saw her, so went to say whats up but she just stood there looking at me with this crazy look on her eyes that was somewhere between I love you and Im sorry. She didnt say anything at all, and the dumbf*** she used to date was hovering around. I left the club pretty upset and went home and went to sleep. The day after, I was speaking to some of my friends and they told me that they had gotten together right before the summer, and she had even travel to his country to spend some weeks with him. This was so utterly unbelievable for me. She promised me she wouldnt go back to him, she promised her parents, her brother, EVERYONE! and yet, the stupid dumb girl goes back to his abusing brainless ass. Her family was so pissed off at her that they completely cut her money off and stuff. She had to cover her own school fees (and trust me, med school aint cheap) and we arent american, our countries dont have a school loan system.

I was so hurt, U can imagine. I treated her like a princess and she discarded me like I was a used sock or something, and went back to him!!!

I would see her on the street and I would ignore her. I would be on a club and she would come to me and ask me if we could talk and id tell her not now. I was a douche to her!

One day in late November she sent an sms and I replied and she called and we ended up talking on the phone for hours.

She explained to me how after I went away before the summer, he was really nice to her, he put a crazy show telling her how much he adored her and chased her and so she went back to him. While he was in his country he abused her really bad, and even punched her once or twice on the face.

She STILL stayed with him after the summer and ended up breaking up with him in october or something. She said all the right things and so we agreed to meet the next day.

We sat for coffee and had a huge conversation on what had happened and why did she return to him . She did love him a lot and wanted to give it one last chance, or so she said. She told me all the things that happened to her bacause of this and I ,like a tool, went straight in again and gave her another chance when she asked for it.

I told her I would give her a chance and never look back and so I did. This was Nov, 20th.

I again, made my life mission to please her, I was super honest to her, treated her like a princess, and for a while she reciprocated. We would meet everyday and stay together every night. I would cook for her everyday whatever she felt like eating. I would show up, not everyday but at least a few times a week with some flowers, or some chocolates, or both. I never chose a movie to watch. I stoped hanging out with my friends completely ( she never asked me though) Never once did I recriminated any of the things that happened before. She was so happy, U could see it on her face, we would say I love you all the time. It was perfect.

Then we started having sex, and boy, it was good! We started looking into birth control and she said she couldnt take the pills because the hormones on it made her crazy. Depressive, mood swings, the whole 9 yards. We decided for the spiral because they were not hormones on it. Went to the OB and he put it in but told her about this new "mirena" spiral that had some hormones but they are "non-systemic" and for sure "wont cause trouble". We trusted this guy and she put it in. This was 19th of january if im not wrong.

She went nuts! The day after this she changed. She was angry all the time. She had no energy to do anything, I would try to kiss her and it was like kissing my grandmother. I thought It was because of the Mirena so I didnt gave it a whole lot of attention. The worst she would get, the harder id try. If she wanted to stay alone, I would run home, If she wanted me, Id leave whatever I was doing to come and confort her. I tried to push her to do things, tried to take her on dates, to no avail. She would get angrier and angrier.

We had booked tickets to fly to my home to attend my first born niece's christening. This was supposed to be 3 weeks ago exactly.

The more the date close in the angrier she would get. I spoke to her ( or tried) many times, all she could say is, I dont know what is wrong, but I will get better. In FOUR dif. times I told her, If you are not happy with me, maybe we can break up, If it didnt work, its fine. LIfe keeps going and I hate to feel responsible for your misery. But she didnt want it! She would say I love you and I will take the spiral out and it all will be ok. I went and found her the best OB specialist I could find. That took me about a week of running all over town finding one she would feel confortable with.

The monday before we were supposed to go to my place, she finally got that thing removed, she send a text message thanking me for my patience and telling me she loved me. We went to sleep and the next day AGAIN she was all angry and stuff. I stayed home that night and the time we were supposed to fly to Spain came. She packed her bags and I picked her up to go to the train station. We go to the train and she is all quiet, we start speaking and se goes crazy and says she doesnt know why but she is not sure if she loves me anymore and why. She says im the most perfect boyfriend ever and even though we are a little diff in some things There is nothing about me she doesnt like, and then, she dumps me and gets of the train.

I had to go home, imagine my pain, dumped on the way to the airport after all that crap I did for her. Imagine when I came out of the plane alone my family's face. Imagine me sitting in a celebration feeling dead inside but trying to smile and be a good host to my sisters friends and to my relatives.

I havent spoken to her once since she left. I never texted her or replied the few sms she has send. She sent a beautiful email saying we share such a special bond and she would hate to loose me as a friend, but I dont want a friend, I want a normal, mature, honest relationship.

I cant understand how She stayed with her mother******g ex for two years but she dumped me like that. I cant understand anything. I am not a model but I am a pretty good looking guy, I work out hard and girls do hit on me pretty hard and I want nothing to do with anyone other than her. I feel like the most insignificant person in the world. She is all happy going out with her friends and for the last three weeks all I can do is sit on my ass feeling sorry for myself! She is not a bad girl and I dont think she intended any of this but she broke me so bad and I dont know how to fix it!

Please help!

 

Ps1: Sorry for the long post but I really needed to vent

Ps2: As I mentioned im Spanish and so my english can get pretty funny, For this I apologize!

 

Best regards and please, advice me how to get over this!

 

G

[ShatteredReality]

My sister used the Mirena. It made her insane. I am not kidding. She was a nutcase - she was mean and cranky - treated her husband like complete dirt and got angry at the drop of a hat. She gained 30lbs and had 2 strokes in the year she had the thing...they took it out and it took her hormones like 3 months to regulate and become normal again. She's much better now - MUCH. It's a huge difference. We all knew there was something wrong - she wasn't acting like herself - but we didn't know what it was until the second stroke and we found out that is one of the possible side effects of the Mirena that no one talks about.

 

I am not going to excuse all of her actions or anything like that at all, but I wanted to make sure you understood that. The stuff from before - the first time you two dates - that was probably all insecurities and such. This second round - I am willing to bet it was largely the Mirena...

 

Now, as far as getting over her - No Contact! That's the only way. I know it's painful and for that I am so so sorry...just try to concentrate on your studies, know you did the best that you could in the situation and eventually you will find someone who doesn't take those qualities for granted...but for now work on you and your future. I know, not a quick fix...I'm sorry...you have my sympathies.

 

By the way - your English is great!

 

Cuidate bien - llora si necesitas que llorar, pero no te olvidas de sonrisar!! (Ok so my Spanish needs work...but I try!!)

[betterdeal]

Man, I feel for you, I really do.

 

First thing's first: you are currently depressed. You have been drained emotionally. In place of your normal emotions, you have been filled with some of her pain and hurt. Physically, you are probably not eating properly and not sleeping well. We need to get you out of this depression first and foremost. So:

 

1. See your doctor and ask for some sleeping tablets to help you sleep.

2. Ask your doctor about anti-depressants too.

3. Eat well. Get lots of fresh vegetables in your food. You need the nutrients.

4. Take multivitamins.

5. Do some exercise - walking, running, swimming, yoga - anything.

6. No contact with this girl until you are healed.

7. Talk to your friends. Good company helps a lot.

8. You are not responsible for her.

9. You are responsible for you.

 

You need to do this for at least a month. When you have done this, let's talk about the relationship and how you can better handle things in the future.

 

Does this make sense?

[Gibster]

Hi guys, Thank you very much for the replies :-)

 

@ Shatteredreality:

 

I know that the stupid mirena had something to do with it, or I guessed it. I know hormones are a powerful thing that can make people simply go nuts... But doesnt help in making me feel better and I guess in three weeks she have had plenty of time to snap out of it, But she hasnt called or anything. She did send a very nice email saying she is sorry it didnt work out, that neither of us did nothing wrong, that im a great person and that she would like to stay on my life as a friend, that we share a very special bond and yadda yadda yadda. But I dont want a friend, I want my GF back :-(. I didnt reply to the email as I know CANT be her friend. I know it would kill me if she goes and starts a new relationship with someone else. I wish her all the best but I cant be around her, I love her too much for that.

 

 

 

@betterdeal:

 

Thank you!! I'll try to follow your advice as much as I can. Ive tried to push myself into working out some days but it doesnt really stick. Im forcing myself to eat and though Im not eating much at all I am getting enough for sure :-)

Fr some reason I am sleeping a lot more than normal, Most days I sleep for about ten hours because as soon as I come back from school I jump into bed so I dont have to deal with staying awake. I am convinced on the necessity of going nc with this girl so dont worry about that. I told her clearly if you walk out on me like this I wont be in ur life at all anymore and that is something I will stick to. I have suffered over this girl for the best part of a year now and I think Ive done enough. Now is time to move on. But it sucks. I love her so much and we could have the best life ever together. And she just dump me like I was nothing! And that is not even the worst part. The thing that hurts the most is that I actually actively tried to make her happy 24/7, that I did everything by the book and it meant nothing, while this guy beat her up, insulted, embarrassed her and all sorts of things and she stayed with him for two years. I feel so tiny, so useless, its disgusting.