mbxdad2 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Hi - new to the forums and struggling with an issue. I'm male, and recently divorced from a 19-year marriage which was sexless for over 10 years and largely devoid of affection and intimacy. (My ex is/was chronically depressed and had lost interest in intimacy and sex, partially due to medication, and I stayed in the marriage so long in order to do what I thought was best for our child. In addition, we didn't really love each other for those 10 years either. Bleah!). My problem is: how can I best recover my sensual/sexual self image and gain validation as a sexual and desirable male? I'm 48 so I don't really want to wait years Also - I am fit, attractive, well employed, intelligent and I see no reason that I can't be sexually 'normal' again! Here's what I have been doing: - exercising regularly - staying in touch with friends - continuing to try to be a good father - will start therapy and group support - initial dating I'm kind of at my wit's end for what to do about my confidence level, other than: - start having sex I have started dating within the past month or so, and find it to be interesting. I have been on initial dates with 10 women, and second dates with about 5. No sex yet. I can sense that my level of confidence around dating and sexual matters is far lower than my dates', and I can come across, I think, as too eager or lacking in confidence. I hate that but it's to be expected given my lack of sex and intimacy for so long. I'd like to turn around that confidence. Several of the dates I can readily turn into sexual relationships, though none excite me for anything long term (and I would not set false expectations - the last thing I need now is a long-term relationship). So - any suggestions from the group? Is it as simple as getting out there and having some healthy sex? Any other ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
lolo1234 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Try not to build it up so much in your head. I hate to say this but I think you're going to end up feeling more comfortable having sex with someone you care about rather than with just anyone. Don't jump the gun just because you care for someone and feel really comfortable around them doesn't mean it's a guarantee that you'll end up in a long term relationship. Sex is both a mental and physical experience. Even for men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbxdad2 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 ...I think you're going to end up feeling more comfortable having sex with someone you care about rather than with just anyone. Don't jump the gun just because you care for someone and feel really comfortable around them doesn't mean it's a guarantee that you'll end up in a long term relationship. Sex is both a mental and physical experience. Even for men. Oh, I do care about the women I'm dating . Maybe it's just that I need to get used to the idea that it is possible to have sex in non-committed, non-LTR relationship. In my head I know I'm OK with sleeping with someone I've known for 3-6 dates (and who I care for to some level, obviously). But in my bones I haven't quite made that leap... perhaps this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
dng Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 Just take charge and don't be selfish. There will be hits and misses but that can be blamed on compatibility. You'll be just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
tommy.is.my.name Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 I dont know if this will help, but reading your post made me think of it. I havent done this but I think it could help. It seems like other posters have said, 'you are over thinking it." I would suggest hiring an escort. Ive met a few when I was in school, as they were students as well, and they tended to be pretty darn attractive. So, tonight hire an escort, use a condom, and get your jitters out of the way. Then, by this weekend you may no longer over think the issue. Yes, sex and intimacy is amazing when you love or care for a person. But, I have discovered that casual sex is healthy as well. As long as you arent still heartbroken over a relationship. Here's to a weekend filled with sex to you, me and everyone on this forum Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbxdad2 Posted April 1, 2011 Author Share Posted April 1, 2011 Thanks Tommy and dng - I have a few dates this weekend, and will go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
callsign Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Hi - new to the forums and struggling with an issue. I'm male, and recently divorced from a 19-year marriage which was sexless for over 10 years and largely devoid of affection and intimacy. (My ex is/was chronically depressed and had lost interest in intimacy and sex, partially due to medication, and I stayed in the marriage so long in order to do what I thought was best for our child. In addition, we didn't really love each other for those 10 years either. Bleah!). Got out of a 13 year train wreck two years ago and felt the same way. There was no intamacy for years and years with that creature. When I finally hooked up with someone it was difficult, to be sure. All of those, well how can I say it, insecurities. I'm in my 50s, so everything works, but not like when we were 19 and things were working on their own, all the time. With a bit of kindness from my girl, we worked through it and enjoyed nearly constant, well you know. Actually it was the best intamcy I had ever had. So, don't worry, you'll get through it. Then you can make up for lost time. Link to post Share on other sites
SummersEve Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) MXB, I'm in your age group but married. I think that that's great that you've had so many dates and it will take care of itself. I don't know why everyone is talking about being in a committed relationship and not using anyone. Boring. If I got divorced I would be the biggest whore in town. If I were you, to keep it from happening again, I would ask a woman you start to get serious about how she feels about sex on demand or some variation of it, about gifting you sex even when she isn't into it. Women's sex drive can be so variable and drop off so steeply after that two year or so new relationship high. So all I can figure is that would be the thing that could be controlled. Ten years without sex, I don't know if I should envy or fear for the first one who gets ahold of you. ;o) Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbxdad2 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 Ten years without sex, I don't know if I should envy or fear for the first one who gets ahold of you. ;o) Envy! Absolutely. And thanks for the supportive comments. I'm feeling much better about all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
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