Iam Thinking of Mourning His Death?

[stopthemadness]

So most of you know my story. Was 2gether 8 1/2 years. Been brokeup for about 8 months. But only a little over 2 months of total N/C. I was the dumpee. He started dating smone in Jan moved in with them in Feb (so ive heard). He used to live in the next town over, but now "the happy couple" live in her and her exs house about 3 blocks from me!! Ya!! I hear "she " took her ex to court to get the house. So i guess them living down the street form me is smthing i have to get used too.Oh ya, he's a city worker and works in my town. So he's around here Mon- Fri.

For the most part I think am doing ok, with the coping stuff. I see a therapist about every two weeks and it seems to be helping me. Well about a week ago, I went down their street. BAD BAD!! Ive been kinda sad ever sence. One day last week, I was sleeping and in my dream (i guess) I heard him calling out my name two times. It sounded like he needed me. I wake myself up to hearing myself saying What? What? I know its just greif of missing the relationship. And then I dreamed of him last nite. In my dream we were happy. I used to get mad at myself for dreaming of him. But not this time as am starting to reach acceptance. Ive kinda been there for a while. But it is definitely a work in progress.

So heres where the Thinking of mourning his death comes in. Am thinking that if i just start thinking of him as gone, Like gone from this earth gone, maybe i could get through all this alot faster? You hear people say it all the time in the movies. They say 'They are dead to me". In a way he is dead to me. Well what we had is dead. And it seems to me that am mourning a loss. Thats what my therapist says am doing. So maybe if i started thinking"he is dead to me" that might be alot easier? Maybe that would free me from this anxiety ,pain and heart ache? Dont get me wrong. I dont wish him dead. I just wish he would get out of my head. Maybe i wrote this just to vent? But i think the real reason i wrote this to to hear if any of you guys ever thought"they are dead to me"? And if thinking that helped anyone? I guess am just looking for an easy way out huh? This whole thing sucks...Hurry healing hurry........Any thoughts on this?.............

Edited March 28, 2011 by stopthemadness

[0hpenelope]

It's more like a metaphorical death when we think of our exes as being dead to us. Because that's the relationship in a nutshell, too. The relationship "died" and so did the idea of the kind person we thought our exes were. The dead relationship is a loss, so mourning and grieving that loss is very important. Even if your ex gets in touch with you again, that person who contacts you isn't the same person that you knew within your relationship. Fundamentally, the ex hasn't changed but certainly there are changes, most especially your perception of your ex. The death also involves your hopes and your dreams that you had because you were planning the rest of your life with your ex. That fits mourning, too: the loss of "could've beens" and possibilities.

 

Just for some comfort to you, I think of my ex all the time still, but there's less of an emotional reaction to the thoughts. I had a pretty good break up I'd say, but there were things he said that will stay with me and he actually killed whatever little chance he had that I would consider him as a friend. I'm starting to think of him as that gross blackened gum on the sidewalk that I see everyday when I walk past it. Yeah, I'm comparing my ex to gum that's been stepped on multiple times by various feet. I'm sure there's a lot of metaphors there too.

 

So yeah, mourn for your own healing. I cried today just because I still miss that piece of gum, but I'm not beating myself up about it. I won't keep crying forever and most importantly, he doesn't know that I'm still crying because I'm not in contact with him (but he is!); eventually, he'll become dead to me, too. Treating your relationship as a death and treating the man person you thought your ex was as dead is a healthy way to mourn. Mourning is not the easy way out because it hurts. How many examples have you heard of people turning to other stuff to cover up the pain, instead of confronting the pain? And when you think you're done hurting, you'll feel the hurt again. That's mourning and 8.5 years is a long time to be together, so you already know that grieving over a relationship that long isn't easy, but it's very important.

 

Best part about the pain is it stops. Mourning helps you get there and you're on the right track. You know that, right? You're venting, you're sharing your feelings with someone, you're seeing a therapist... It sucks to keep hearing this, but it's really a matter of time. You'll feel better soon enough and I'm rootin' for you.

Edited March 28, 2011 by 0hpenelope
added more stuff

[MidnightinMadrid]

My goodness I thought your ex really died when I first read the beginning of your story. I was thinking,this is so like the movie "Le Divorcee" when the callous ex who gleefully dumped his wife for some nut job-both the nut job and him got theirs in the end. So I never thought that would happen in real life,although it would be equally sad for you if that really happen.

I'm not sure if pretending he left this Earth would help especially if theres a chance you'd run into him living in the same city and all.

I believe NC,maintaining strict NC is the best medicine, it doesnt matter if he moved in or even got married yada yada,theres one thing that always hold true,it wont be too long of a time till he will circle back and try to contact you. And by that time you wont care anymore.

That always helped me knowing that i'd hear from mine one day,and believe it or not,I did,after nearly a year! Personally Its better than pretending he died,which i always imagine myself. Because to me,thinking that wont keep your mind from thinking about him and my mind know that he's alive.

Take it one day at a time,you'll always think about him but do whatever is in your power to heal,aside from therapy,talk to others,join a group,hopefully a therapy one that you can share and know that your not alone in this.write a journal,or even travel!

 

thing is,You can try to pretend that he's dead,maybe that will work or maybe you do whatever you can to heal the hurt,till one day it wont hurt anymore so when he sheds his G.I.G.S. you'll be a new woman whose not interested bc of this.

 

Good luck

Edited March 28, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid

[DollyGirl12]

Years ago someone had commented to me that it is sometimes easier to grieve the loss of someone who has passed away, because it's final and you know they are not coming back.

But when we have to grieve the loss of a relationship it can be so much harder because the corpse is still walking around! It makes sense to me.

[stopthemadness]

Openelope-Thanks for saying that you still smtimes think of your ex.Cause even though you(we) know we shouldnt ,yet our minds still wonder to them.And what you said about crying. I cryed today for about an hour. I miss his kids too. I find myself wondering if they miss me too? Or if they are getting close to this new women. Who he really just met. I guess i just wanta hurry and get to the point when I dont care anymore ya know? What you were saying about other people turning to other stuff to cover the pain. I know what you mean drugs and drinking partying all the time. Ive seen that before too. So i guess Ill cry till i cant cry anymore huh. Thanks for responding..

 

Midnightinmadrid-So sorry that you thought at first my ex really died. Iam just trying to find a way to get through this healing process as fast as I can. Iam with you on the strict No Contact. Its the only way to really heal. Its been a little over 2 months of n/c. And iam so proud of myself because that used to be a problem for both of us.What you said about even if they get married or whatever. That you think smday he will circle back around. Iam not so sure on that? I really think he wanted to do smthing else.But what you said about G.I.G.S you hit that right on the money. Ill get better. Iam better then i used to be. Thanks for your reply.

 

DollyGirl12=Thanks for responding, this is one of the hardest things ive had to get through in my adult life..But like my mama told me"he aint crying for you" i try to remember that...

Edited March 30, 2011 by stopthemadness