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Made it Through the 1 Year Mark - but Why Do I Still Feel Wretched?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 25th March 2011, 4:19 AM   #1
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Made it Through the 1 Year Mark - but Why Do I Still Feel Wretched?

I was thinking I'd actually be posting this on the actual anniversary of the break-up - which was on tues.

Fortunately I was out with a friend and managed to have a good time.

But this morning I woke up, plagued with thoughts about him - and her. Images of them being initimate, doing the things him and I used to do and just being totally ga-ga for each other just made me feel like crying inside.

All this time I've been telling myself to stay strong; to work on my internal issues; to avoid dating until I could push him out of my (conscious) mind. But now, I just feel like giving in and just getting with the next guy that shows interest in me. I'm currently in contact with someone at work who is a potential 'frend-with-benefits', and another I'm getting to know socially but everytime I stop and think about it, I feel disgusted with myself.

I just feel so empty inside at the moment and I know getting with someone - anyone - who looks remotely decent (even when I know they won't make suitable partners for me in the long-term) will set me back on my recovery.
But I can't help it.

I know I've got several things going for me: upcoming holidays; friends, old and new; my sis and mum; a hobby I love. But no-one 'special' in my life to share this all with.

Is there anyone else who feels like this? I just want someone to knock some perspective into me as I feel like I'm losing the strength to believe in myself...
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Old 25th March 2011, 11:20 AM   #2
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sounds like you need a bit more time, just chill out try and enjoy being single.

if your not ready to date again then dont, its up to you.

friends with benefits is not a good idea, its not worth the hassle. have more respect for yourself and make a guy work hard for your affections.

really, its not meant to sound nasty but dont just get with someone for the sake of it.

im in the same boat, (but male) im not ready and i miss female company/attention like mad but im just trying to learn to live with myself being sinlge and happy for now until i am ready to start dating again.

if it takes 1,2 or 3 years, thats what it takes

its not all bad being single, you can watch what you want on the tv.

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Old 25th March 2011, 6:43 PM   #3
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Thank you SWFC.

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I want/need to hear. I DO want to get to a point of being happy by myself.

It's a long, hard road but I know I'll be much better for it in the long run.

Today, I went to my first healing experience (Reiki) and even got chatting to one of the healers. I came away feeling so much better; so much tension literally just melted away.

It's experiences like this that make the journey so much worth it.
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Old 25th March 2011, 7:24 PM   #4
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I think you should stop looking at the time it takes you to get over it and focus on try to work on improving yourself and your life. I mean, there's no time limit to the heart's healing. It took me 3 yrs to get over a guy I fell in love with. I'm not saying it is going to take you that long. But during that time I was a mess. I quit my job, Sept 11 happened, and I stayed at home depressed doing nothing for one year sleeping my life away! This time with this new breakup, I am determined I won't let him rob me of that time. You can't let it happen to you either!

You sound like a real sweetheart and I'm sure God is working on an extra special man for you, just like he is for me. I think when you think about your ex, you're only thinking about the good times and not the bad. The way I think of it is, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's been 9mos NC for me and it's hard but I'm dealing. I try to get myself out there! I try to just say F*ck it! and then go out there and explore the world! Hell once my confidence even attracted a celebrity! You'll be surprised what's out there for you honey. This world is very big and there's tons of ppl out there. I understand the pain you're going thru b/c I'm going thru the same thing so don't feel like you're alone. A lot of ppl are going thru this pain. I feel empty too. But things happen for a reason and life will always get better for u. It could have been so much worse but it wasn't! I mean just the other day on tv they showed a man who lost his wife and entire fam in the tsunami and he was breaking down. Think about how that man feels. We are just dealing with stupid as$holes who broke our heart but didn't even deserve it in the first place.
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Old 25th March 2011, 7:56 PM   #5
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Something I was thinking a little while ago, when I was reading the OW and Infidelity board. All of these people going through grief after they are married. At least we were not married to these people. We found out beforehand.
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Old 26th March 2011, 5:43 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by NoEnd_Mary View Post
I think you should stop looking at the time it takes you to get over it and focus on try to work on improving yourself and your life. I mean, there's no time limit to the heart's healing. It took me 3 yrs to get over a guy I fell in love with. I'm not saying it is going to take you that long. But during that time I was a mess. I quit my job, Sept 11 happened, and I stayed at home depressed doing nothing for one year sleeping my life away! This time with this new breakup, I am determined I won't let him rob me of that time. You can't let it happen to you either!
NoEnd_Mary, I think this is where I'm going wrong.

Everyone around me 'expects' me to be over it already - I mean a year seems like a lifetime to most people! A lot has gone on in my life since the break-up: my dad died; my mum was in a fire incident and I got attacked on public transport.

But even so, I'm still most emotionally attached to my ex.

I could have easily stayed home too (as I'm such a homebody, naturally). Instead, I've forced myself to take on much more in an effort to 'get out there'. In some respects, I feel like I'm still running away from myself by over-committing to other things and 'pretending' to the outside world that everything's fine - I think that what gets to me the most.


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Originally Posted by NoEnd_Mary View Post
You sound like a real sweetheart and I'm sure God is working on an extra special man for you, just like he is for me. I think when you think about your ex, you're only thinking about the good times and not the bad. The way I think of it is, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's been 9mos NC for me and it's hard but I'm dealing. I try to get myself out there! I try to just say F*ck it! and then go out there and explore the world! Hell once my confidence even attracted a celebrity! You'll be surprised what's out there for you honey. This world is very big and there's tons of ppl out there. I understand the pain you're going thru b/c I'm going thru the same thing so don't feel like you're alone. A lot of ppl are going thru this pain. I feel empty too. But things happen for a reason and life will always get better for u. It could have been so much worse but it wasn't! I mean just the other day on tv they showed a man who lost his wife and entire fam in the tsunami and he was breaking down. Think about how that man feels. We are just dealing with stupid as$holes who broke our heart but didn't even deserve it in the first place.
Thank you for your kind words!

Oh I think about the good. I think about the bad. I can't blame him because it was just as much my responsibility as it was his. We both weren't honest with each other because we weren't being completely honest with ourselves. I know that now. And that's what hurts the most: that we could have either saved ourselves the bother, stayed friends and not got into a relationship at all - or perhaps it could have been the most empowering relationship if only we'd both learnt from it while we were together.

Ironically, I always used to think I'd never let myself become one of those women who would mourn a guy who didn't want to be with me. But that's exactly what is happening!

I know we weren't right for each other and I HAVE learnt a lot about myself through it, so I am grateful for that. I think I'm just burdened by regrets: things I didn't do; things I did do that I shouldn't have done. I don't want him back per se, but as Alanis sung, I feel like I have a cross to bear while he gets to leave behind the mess (we both) made.

Last edited by ALonerAgain; 26th March 2011 at 5:47 AM..
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Old 26th March 2011, 5:48 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by DollyGirl12 View Post
Something I was thinking a little while ago, when I was reading the OW and Infidelity board. All of these people going through grief after they are married. At least we were not married to these people. We found out beforehand.
True. Very true.
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Old 26th March 2011, 5:58 AM   #8
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ALonerAgain I am on the page you are. Its been 6 months and im still destroyed. most people assume that I should be over it by now - but i am not.

I also over commit myself to things to fill my time, make goals for myself, complete them, but I still feel empty inside and i do not know what to do.

some friends tell me i should jsut hook up with some one new but i fail to see how that would help - i would still feel empty and used.

i am in a state of waiting. waiting for him to come back to me.

and in the mean time i am "enjoying" being single. or at least that is what it would appear on the outside when on the inside i am dying. i am fully functioning i just do not enjoy life as i once did. i am just waiting. waiting and ranting.
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Old 26th March 2011, 6:13 AM   #9
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ALonerAgain I am on the page you are. Its been 6 months and im still destroyed. most people assume that I should be over it by now - but i am not.

I also over commit myself to things to fill my time, make goals for myself, complete them, but I still feel empty inside and i do not know what to do.

some friends tell me i should jsut hook up with some one new but i fail to see how that would help - i would still feel empty and used.

i am in a state of waiting. waiting for him to come back to me.

and in the mean time i am "enjoying" being single. or at least that is what it would appear on the outside when on the inside i am dying. i am fully functioning i just do not enjoy life as i once did. i am just waiting. waiting and ranting.
Do you expect him to come back to you?
How long were you 2 together?

Mine was 4 years - 4 years of implying that he wanted to settle down with me. We'd (briefly) talked about living together and even attempted to look at a flat. But I guess all that was just a pipe dream. And I'm still sad about it. Bitter and sad.

What about therapy? If goal-setting isn't achieving much in terms of emotional fulfillment, then perhaps the problem isn't the break-up itself, but a deeper issue that you need to address.

For me, I have a problem with rejection, stemmed from low-self esteem and years of social non-acceptance from peers in my school days. I believe that it is this that is prolonging the pain for me. And I know until I can resolve this, then no matter what I do (or don't do), things will just stay the same: life will go on but the patterns will be repeated - either consciously or subconsciously.

That's why it never pays to get a 'replacement', much as your friends are well-meaning and what most of society would have you believe. Unfortunately, there's no quick fix.
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Old 26th March 2011, 7:07 AM   #10
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In some respects, I feel like I'm still running away from myself by over-committing to other things and 'pretending' to the outside world that everything's fine - I think that what gets to me the most.
Fake it til you make it. Keep going. You are trying to reprogram your mind. The pretending feeling is normal.


Quote:

I know we weren't right for each other and I HAVE learnt a lot about myself through it, so I am grateful for that. I think I'm just burdened by regrets: things I didn't do; things I did do that I shouldn't have done. I don't want him back per se, but as Alanis sung, I feel like I have a cross to bear while he gets to leave behind the mess (we both) made.
I call that "could-have, would-have, should-have". It can be painful. Don't overanalyze. Your are where you are. Keep moving forward, the past is not changeable.

Forgive him, but most importantly forgive yourself. It doesn't sound like you have done that fully.

You sound like a well-rounded, well-thought woman. You will find a better love.
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Old 26th March 2011, 9:54 AM   #11
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Fake it til you make it. Keep going. You are trying to reprogram your mind. The pretending feeling is normal.




I call that "could-have, would-have, should-have". It can be painful. Don't overanalyze. Your are where you are. Keep moving forward, the past is not changeable.

Forgive him, but most importantly forgive yourself. It doesn't sound like you have done that fully.

You sound like a well-rounded, well-thought woman. You will find a better love.
And forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to call them up and say "I forgive you". It has to come from within in some way or another. Maybe by continually telling yourself this person was not for you and you have to allow him to move on with his life. For me, I took a long look at my ex's history, not very nice quite honestly. Part of me started feeling sad for him, because deep down inside he's truly very lonely. It didn't matter if he had five women that he was calling, texting or socializing with at one time, making them think they were the only ones. He was still lonely, inside, all the time. I then thought about how I was alone for 4 years before I met him. I wasn't corresponding with a slew of men. I was never lonely. I was doing things I wanted to do and leading a pretty full life. I was actually becoming more stressed when I was with him and didn't even realize it. I then began to feel sadness for him, because deep down I don't think people really want to be this way. Maybe things become habit when one is younger, a personality disorder, a mental condition, who knows, but I don't think many choose it. That feeling allowed me to let go of the anger for the most part.
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Old 26th March 2011, 9:55 AM   #12
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Fake it til you make it. Keep going. You are trying to reprogram your mind. The pretending feeling is normal.
I do understand the thinking behind this. And the rationality seems sound. As cynical as it may be, you could say 99% of the population are fakers.

However, I do think that this could be the exact problem too.

For some (myself included), some things need to be addressed properly, not just let time take care of it (I've begun to resent this whole notion that 'time takes care of everything': it's not time itself, but what you do within it that counts: either run to someone else or face your demons head on). This is what happened to me: I denied my past hurts: pushed them down and 'put a lid on it'. Unfortunately, they resurfaced with my ex.

I've learnt this the hard way.

That's why I don't want to run anymore. Things that I thought I'd left behind, that I'd 'gotten over' or 'faked' only came back to haunt me - this time stronger than before.


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Originally Posted by Thatguyintx View Post
I call that "could-have, would-have, should-have". It can be painful. Don't overanalyze. Your are where you are. Keep moving forward, the past is not changeable.

Forgive him, but most importantly forgive yourself. It doesn't sound like you have done that fully.

You sound like a well-rounded, well-thought woman. You will find a better love.
You are absolutely right: I haven't learnt to forgive myself (or him) yet. That's the next step for me. I've been trying to understand the 'whys' but it doesn't matter anymore. It's the letting go that I feel stuck at.

Thank you for the compliment. I hope I will, but I know that it has to come from me first.
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Old 26th March 2011, 10:20 AM   #13
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i dont expect him to come back, but every fiber in my body wishes/prays/hopes for that to happen. i guess in a way maybe i do. i keep replaying over in mind what i will say and do when he does come around. i go over hundreds of scenarios and in each one he comes back to me.

we were together for almost 2 years and it was like out of a movie. we never fought even once. when he broke up with me it came out of nowhere. we had just gotten back from a month long traveling trip together. there was stress in his life but thats not it. he never told me why. he just said he was having doubts and needed time. what does that even mean?

i can not move on until i am no longer in love with him and i cant be over him until i move on. its a cycle that i can not break. uggggg this really really sucks.
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Old 26th March 2011, 12:45 PM   #14
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NoEnd_Mary, I think this is where I'm going wrong.

Everyone around me 'expects' me to be over it already - I mean a year seems like a lifetime to most people! A lot has gone on in my life since the break-up: my dad died; my mum was in a fire incident and I got attacked on public transport.

But even so, I'm still most emotionally attached to my ex.

I could have easily stayed home too (as I'm such a homebody, naturally). Instead, I've forced myself to take on much more in an effort to 'get out there'. In some respects, I feel like I'm still running away from myself by over-committing to other things and 'pretending' to the outside world that everything's fine - I think that what gets to me the most.
Hey girl I understand what you're going thru. Don't think about what other ppl say. It's easy for them to say when their hearts weren't broken. I had a friend who had a "get over it" attitude w/me and was literally yelling at me to get over it. I had another friend who got her heart broken by a guy she was in a 2 mos rel. with. Yes you heard me right, a 2 mos. rel. While mine was 5 yrs. This girl was telling me to "get it over it" too until her heart was broken and she saw how hard it was. She took it a lot harder than me. So you see, it's easy for ppl to talk sh$t. I personally stopped talking to ppl about it except for this one friend I have who is going thru a divorce. Only ppl that are going thru heartbreak will understand.

I think what you need to do is stay VERY busy. Your situation sounds like the rel has long been done but the activity is mostly in your head. You have to learn how to train your brain. Every time his thought comes up, immediately think of something else. What I do is I write out "No contact", "He's an as$hole" in script in my head over and over again when the thoughts come up and it helps me. But most of all, staying busy helps. This morning I was feeling like sh$t, depressed in the bed and I decided to just get up and start cleaning and it got me physical and stayed distracted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nowwhatnow
some friends tell me i should jsut hook up with some one new but i fail to see how that would help - i would still feel empty and used.
It doesn't sound like you are ready for this step. I would say you can go out and make new friends but don't do anything sexual. I went this route and I can tell you it's not gonna make you feel better. I hooked up w/a guy about 3 mos after my breakup. We were friends but kind of casually dating. We had a great date one night and he decided to "go for it". It was ok but I just wasn't mentally prepared for that. I felt worse afterwards. And surprisingly he caught feelings for me after that and I had to turn him away. So you can potentially be hurting someone else. This guy wanted to see me more but I just felt like I opened up a can of worms by casually hooking up. To me it was just a hook up. So you're better to just focus on yourself girl, and get yourself together. It's possible. You WILL get over this. I got over my past ex's and I was deeply in love with them so I know you will. You just gotta stay busy and keep focusing on the goal -- YOU!

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Originally Posted by ALonerAgain View Post
We both weren't honest with each other because we weren't being completely honest with ourselves.
This hits the nail on the head for me. I was not being honest with myself. And your life has to begin with being honest to yourself, otherwise you will be living a lie. I knew my ex was no good for me but yet decided to stay with him year after year, until he finally played me. Be honest with yourselves people. You must ask yourselves the difficult questions and answer them honestly and act accordingly. All rel. have red flags and you must look at these red flags and be honest to yourself. Don't be blind like I did. If I had been honest with myself and faced reality, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.
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Old 26th March 2011, 3:24 PM   #15
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i dont expect him to come back, but every fiber in my body wishes/prays/hopes for that to happen. i guess in a way maybe i do. i keep replaying over in mind what i will say and do when he does come around. i go over hundreds of scenarios and in each one he comes back to me.

we were together for almost 2 years and it was like out of a movie. we never fought even once. when he broke up with me it came out of nowhere. we had just gotten back from a month long traveling trip together. there was stress in his life but thats not it. he never told me why. he just said he was having doubts and needed time. what does that even mean?

i can not move on until i am no longer in love with him and i cant be over him until i move on. its a cycle that i can not break. uggggg this really really sucks.
How was he on your trip? Did he act strange at all? Quiet? Distant?

I think sometimes it doesn't really make a difference if you don't fight. Not that I'm advocating fighting, but sometimes it does clear the air if there's something bothering either one of you. Sometimes it doesn't. It takes a wiser, self-confident person to be able to decipher the underlying feelings behind petty arguments.

I think it's the 'quiet' ones you have to watch. My ex was the same. He too had stresses in his life - I just didn't believe that I was one of them! I did the arguing for him. He held a lot in and that just frustrated me even more (still does). Even when he was already out the door he still couldn't say how he really felt.

Yes, the 'scenarios'. I have mine on constant loop: what I wish I could have said; the questions I could have and should have asked (while we were still together and way before the break-up). I don't want my ex back, I just miss the illusion: how it was in the beginning before we both f**ked it up with our insecurities and dishonesty.

Meh. Who knows what really goes on in our exes' heads??

Last edited by ALonerAgain; 26th March 2011 at 3:27 PM..
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