Dedication during NC

[is2008]

I'm circa day 3 into NC for the nth time and just wanted to share my thoughts on NC for those that might be struggling and/or not sure what it entails (from a dumpee perspective).

 

When I first read about NC, I was firmly in the I'm going to use this to get my ex back camp. I think we all go through this phase.

 

The majority of us then subsequently break NC, because we can't handle not having them in our lifes and the trauma of the usually sudden breakup (obviously after the usual begging and pleading).

 

During the initial stages of NC, we are at our most vulnerable (first 0-72 hours) and want to go back to the comfort of the relationship, no matter how toxic or dysfunctional it'd become. For me, the relationship was majorly toxic. She treated me how she wanted, lied to me to get her own way... it was just aweful but I stayed because I really wanted it to work.

 

Every time we break NC though, we get to hear about how good their life is going without us, how many people have shown interest in them. Whether this is a front or not, it's still hurtful to hear and the exact opposite of what we wanted to hear.

 

Once we finally get to the realisation that the breakup might actually be for the best (but obviously still very much in love with them) we need to stay dedicated to maintaining NC and avoiding triggers. So I've made the following list as a guideline:

 

* Phone/email: Delete their phone number and email address. If they've sent you a lot of emails, print them out and put them in a box. Delete them all after.

 

* Facebook: The most evilest of things after a breakup. You cannot be just friends with someone after you've broken up. You don't want to see their new photos or status updates. Untag every photo of you together and if you've uploaded them... delete them. Then block their profile. Trust me, you do not want to see it right now.

 

* Possessions: If it reminds you of him/her, throw it away, burn it or box it. This includes photos, clothes, gifts and especially scents. Any triggers that you have around your life will be counterproductive to healing.

 

* Stalking: Don't frequent places you used to visit. Don't drive by his/her house, or look for him/her. You will get an opportunity to reclaim these places as your own with new memories but right now it'll only delay the healing process.

 

* Keeping busy: Keep them out of your mind as much as possible. My problem is once I think about her, I don't find the motivation to do anything else, and because I'm not doing something else, I'm thinking about her. Vicious cycle.

 

* Rebounds/Porn: Don't rebound. You'll harbour feelings for your ex, compare your ex to your new partner and even lash out on your new partner for doing something your ex did. Give yourself chance to heal and improve so that you're not unfair to your new partner. As for porn, stay away from it for the short term (if you watch it). It's just going to trigger intimate thoughts that will upset you. Thoughts of your ex with someone else etc.

 

* Music: Music can be a very powerful trigger. It took me a good few weeks to desensitise myself to certain songs. I still get twangs of pain when I hear some. Try your best to avoid music that you shared or enjoyed until you're ready to start reclaiming those songs as your own.

 

There just a few things that pop into my mind. Please feel free to expand the list as I'm sure it'll come in handy to re-read ourselves or for others.

 

Remember, we want to be with someone that'll fight for us hard. Not somebody that we keep going back to for the comfort.

[petal11]

good post.is . some helpful advice.

 

i also think it is important to make some changes to your home or living space.. buy new bed linen if you can.. throw away the pillow/s he she used and reclaim your bedroom as your space..

 

move furniture/pictures around -try something new . this doesnt have to cost anything but it does feel different and different is good.

 

friends have been my lifeline.. good friends listen and help you to heal.. this site is very useful, i now realise that there are so many people out there who are experiencing similar feelings and are helpful and supportive.

 

be strong and focus on the positives .. when the emotions (wave of sadness) allow your self to feel it and grieve - try and limit the time you do this initially it can drive you crazy but it does get better and you do get stronger.

 

establishing good sleep patterns- if the breakup is very recent you are probably not sleeping and esxhausted which beings you down further..

 

healthy eating is important too -5 serves of vegies, 2 of fruit a day and some protein- if you can limit your alcohol inake.. alcolhol might give you a lift and relax you initially but it is a depressant..

 

finally the benefits of exercise (wlking get some fresh air gym is good or join a class -- yoga has helped me and i enjoy the meditation at the end of the class

[Denillad]

Thanks for ur post. I'm finally entering the acceptance part of this. I've made many mistakes but I'm ready for the future.