40 days for what?!!!!

[wmrjw82]

40 ****ing Days of NC.

 

For what? I'm beginning to realize that you never just get over someone you loved that leaves you....you just get USED TO IT. Until that pain dwindles more and more as the days, weeks, months and years go by. And what does she get to feel? NOT A DAMN THING! She gets to go on with her life like nothing happened!!!!

 

Here iam still feeling like she has ALL the power. Like I meant nothing to her. It's not fair that she doesn't get to feel like this every single day for the last 2 months.

 

How do you trust love or anyone from this point on? The things she told me...."i want you to be the father of my children", "I can't imagine my life without you", etc. etc. etc. It's all BULL****!!!! A month after she invites me and my 12 mo old son to live with her she kicks us out saying, "i just wasn't ready for a family, i found myself interested in another guy" How can a person live with themselves when they do this to someone!!!??

 

And the kicker of it all is....THERE'S NOTHING I CAN SAY! I can't speak to her... I can't express how I feel. I can't tell her how wrong I think she was! All of it will just make me look even more pathetic and she would probably get a laugh out of it at this point. I'm expected to hold my head high and walk on gracefully. All the while acting like it didn't phase me!!!!!

 

My son still does things everyday that SHE taught him. "Peek a boo", whenever he sees a dog he says "awww"... stuff she taught him and I have to see everyday as a reminder of that selfish bitch!!!

 

**** love. It's all bull****. People are so flaky with their feelings it's no damn wonder that 1 out of every 2 marriages end in divorce. We are pathetic, wicked things.

[RomoGuy]

I agree, and we are also selfish! very.... I know what you mean. My ex told me the same things yours did, then broke up with me overnight. She had a new bf almost instantly and life is "perfect" for her... the funny part is, she told me the exact same thing.. " you are Perfect" every day she would tell me that, look where that got me, LOL... Life isn't always as good for these exes as they act like it is... they just do it to make themselves think they are happier and try to confirm that their decision to break up was correct and they are better off without you... not in all cases of course, but Im sure it happens alot in these GIGS type breakups

[Layzie89]

Hey seems like the three of us are all in the same boat! Day 40 NC for me as well...she told me all the same things, now I know everything was BULL****!!!!!!! The one that I still hold onto though and probably always will, is she used to tell me "You'll always be my home." What does that mean?!?! That she can break up with me, go **** around with other guys and then when she feels like it come home? That sucks. On the same token though, maybe I should be happy that she thinks of me as her 'home'? Idk...

 

 

We just gotta stay strong guys...someone will come along soon that'll take our minds completely off our ex's for good. And it'll happen at the time we least expect it!

 

wmrjw don't crack brother...you and I are both 40 days NC today...I take comfort knowing that there's someone else out there going through the same thing, feeling the same emotions as I am. We need each other bro!!!

[LoveBug1989]

Yes I am having the same exact feelings as well. I've played over and over in my head what I would say to him if he ever called me. He told me that I was the only one for him, the only one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life, how I was his inspiration in life...I agree, all bull$hit. I do remember him telling me "you're my crutch"....I see now that that was not a good thing, because what does one do when they don't need crutches anymore?...Put them away in a closet and forget about them, which is what happened to me.

[aeren944]

I'm going to venture to say that I've felt all the things you guys are talking about. I was cheated on by my ex-fiancee, and I was crushed. I questioned that over and over and over in my head, but you know the conclusion I came to? I think she actually meant those things at the time, but then she changed. Therefore, it's important for me to remember that those 8 years were not a waste of time... the feelings felt were real at the time. I didn't hate her back then and I meant it when I said I loved her. But that's all changed now.

 

So, just keep in mind, the bull***t now, was real back then. Maybe it will help ease the pain a bit.

[DustySaltus]

This is not the type of person you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Unfortunately, the ways of finding this out are usually by us going through a period of pain and heartache.

 

It's going to take time but there's a great quote that says, "One day someone will walk into your life, that makes you realize why it didn't work with anyone else". I know it may not offer much solace right now, but really think about this concept.

 

She quit on you. It's on her, not you. You can't ever control someone elses actions. Your idea of love is much greater than hers...and you'll find someone to share that with in time. Sorry you had to go through this, but stick with NC...

[Layzie89]

Come to think of it, you're right aeren. I too believe that she meant all those things when she said it...but things changed, the feelings were no more. I guess it's just the abruptness of it all that makes us believe all those times they sweet talked us were lies.

 

Thanks for the encouragement Dusty. "She quit on you. / Your idea of love is much greater than hers...and you'll find someone to share that with in time."

 

Absolutely.

[wmrjw82]

Thanks guys... I really appreciate the positive feedback and the backing. I'm not going anywhere.

 

Layzie, I read your 40 day thread and you seem so positive and you pointed out that the reason you have progressed is that you found out your ex has a new guy. I just want to say that you are lucky you know. You're able to get over the hump and maybe that's what i'm missing.

 

Here's the thing...

 

when she first broke the news to me on the BU she said she was interested in another guy but nothing has happened and probably won't. My mind immediately went into a withdrawl from her. I unfriended her on facebook as well as all her friends. We live 45 minutes away from each other so the day I dropped her key off was the last day i talked to her. I have no way of knowing if her life is going great or if she's found a new relationship with this guy or not. It's eating me alive!

 

I am still friends w/ her ex roomate on facebook and i've been tempted to ask her if my ex is dating anyone but I feel as though she might tell my ex and she would know i was thinking of her! I dont want this to happen! And also wouldn't that be considered breaking NC? I dont want to break this NC because it's all I have left of my dignity.

 

She hurt me so bad (and she knows it) that any kind of contact by me, whether it be through mutual friends or not would be seen as petty or pathetic and perhaps even give her validation of what she did.

 

I guess what I mean to say is I so wish i knew if there was another guy in the picture because I, too, would feel like I would be able to move on better.

 

Something is missing though, i dont feel like i'm getting better. The days just drag on... i've picked up a 2nd job and I love seeing my son but life is just horrible right now. I want to be over this but my mind and heart isn't letting me!

Edited March 10, 2011 by wmrjw82

[GreenPolicy]

Thanks guys... I really appreciate the positive feedback and the backing. I'm not going anywhere.

 

Layzie, I read your 40 day thread and you seem so positive and you pointed out that the reason you have progressed is that you found out your ex has a new guy. I just want to say that you are lucky you know. You're able to get over the hump and maybe that's what i'm missing.

 

Here's the thing...

 

when she first broke the news to me on the BU she said she was interested in another guy but nothing has happened and probably won't. My mind immediately went into a withdrawl from her. I unfriended her on facebook as well as all her friends. We live 45 minutes away from each other so the day I dropped her key off was the last day i talked to her. I have no way of knowing if her life is going great or if she's found a new relationship with this guy or not. It's eating me alive!

 

I am still friends w/ her ex roomate on facebook and i've been tempted to ask her if my ex is dating anyone but I feel as though she might tell my ex and she would know i was thinking of her! I dont want this to happen! And also wouldn't that be considered breaking NC? I dont want to break this NC because it's all I have left of my dignity.

 

She hurt me so bad (and she knows it) that any kind of contact by me, whether it be through mutual friends or not would be seen as petty or pathetic and perhaps even give her validation of what she did.

 

I guess what I mean to say is I so wish i knew if there was another guy in the picture because I, too, would feel like I would be able to move on better.

 

Something is missing though, i dont feel like i'm getting better. The days just drag on... i've picked up a 2nd job and I love seeing my son but life is just horrible right now. I want to be over this but my mind and heart isn't letting me!

 

I am in a similar situation as you in that I was blindsided in a similar manner by a similar type of person. And like you, I've been in strict NC so I have no idea what she is up to and have to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what is going on in her life. Our exes are not coming back. Sooner or later we will be replaced, or we already have been replaced. We need to take the focus off of them and onto ourselves.

 

It's a struggle for our hearts to accept this because of how good the relationship was when we were together, but these people are just plain bad for us in the long run. Even if you got her back, you would never feel confident about the relationship or its future. You would always have to deal with the anxiety of knowing she bailed on you once and she could do it again. Without a sea-change in her emotional wellbeing, all you'd be signing up for is a second helping of heartache and pain.

 

Your ex probably did love you, but the reality is that her capacity to love is not as great as yours. She's afraid of what love is: commitment, liability, responsibilities to live up to and pressure...so she bailed. She's basically a commitment-phobe with an avoidant attachment style. Our relationships were basically beautiful houses built on a foundation of sand.

[Layzie89]

Ahh wmr, I see where you're at man. You're where I was two weeks ago before I found out my ex had a new bf.

 

Now before I say anything, keep in mind I'm only saying this with honest hope that it will help you get over your situation as it did mine. I strongly feel that facebook is absolute poison after a breakup. Which is why I deactivated mine...nothing but hurt comes out of it in my opinion. But in certain cases such as ours, getting answers from FB could be what we need first in order to move on. With that said..

 

You unfriended her from facebook, but that doesn't mean you can't still go to her profile. If her profile is private you can at least still see her profile picture, maybe you should go look at it. Is it a picture of him and her? Now, don't get me wrong someone once said on these boards that pictures don't mean **** becuase people are required to smile in pictures. But a picture, regardless, of them two together will tell you if he's in the scene or not.

 

Asking mutual friends about her is definitely a nono. Especially if it's a female friend or a gay friend..don't go there. They'll swear to you 'I won't tell her' next thing you know your ex is laughing about you still asking questions...you don't happen to have any trusted guy friends of YOURS that still might have her on their facebooks? If they're your friends I would turn to them...ask them to look around, just explain to them it's the closure you need, the closure you never got.

 

I feel for you wmr...I hope you find out what you need soon enough man. Prepare yourself prior though brother...finding out your ex has a new man will **** you up for a few days. but it gets easier, trust me.

[GreenPolicy]

I don't think there's any need to snoop on her fb. Do you want the image of her and another guy seared into your head? Accept that the breakup is permanent and sooner or later you will be replaced.

[wmrjw82]

yea... I wish I could help myself but I find myself looking at her private profile every day just to see if i see a pic of the two up there. So far it's been nothing. Yesterday she just changed her pic to one that is 2 years old. That made me feel pretty good momentarily because we both gained some weight during our relationship but i go to the gym everyday now and have worked mine off. If she's posting 2 year old pics maybe she's not looking so good these days?

 

But then I saw how beautiful she was in that picture and here iam stuck again. ugh. I could always totally block her i suppose but i dont want to do that because that will come across as bitter and once she finds out that i blocked her after all this time she would get a big kick out of it. she would know i still cared. so i'm stuck where i'm at.

 

Unfortunately, I deleted all of our mutual friends except her ex roomies (who are lesbians, btw). You're right...they would just blab to her. No luck there.