My experience as both a Dumper and a Dumpee

[J0N]

At the suggestion of 0hpenelope, I decided to reflect a little on two relationships that I have had previously with two different girls. I dated both of these two girls for about two years, the first one I broke up with and the second one dumped me.

 

This thread might end up turning into a novel but at least it could offer a little perspective at least for new dumpers and dumpees about what you should and should not do in each circumstance before its too late.

 

I will start with my first ex, who we will call Anne for the purposes of this. I dated Anne for about two years, we were like they say in Forrest Gump “just like peas and carrots,” everything was going great in our relationship. I was 19 at this time; I applied and got into a great college. It was close enough to home that we could have stayed together. My parents and friends started saying to me that I should consider breaking up with her, because I would get the most out of the college experience. 99% of people that go to college in a relationship do not last, after 4 years at school this is absolutely true. Anne did not get into my school; she really had no drive whatsoever, she sort of punted on the whole college thing. She planned to just baby sit for her neighbors, until she got into college, she had stopped applying though. I don’t want to sound like a snob but I think her parents liked me and my family for the wrong reasons. To be absolutely honest, I just was getting tired of the same old thing every weekend.

 

After a few weeks of thinking it over. I decided that I would break up with her. I was concerned that she would take it really hard. So I suggested meeting up in a park (neutral place), to break up with her face to face. I wanted to be nice about it. When I tried to tell her she slapped me, and started weeping. I caved and didn’t end up breaking up with her, even though I wanted to. I tried a couple weeks later, same story. I ended up trying to break up with her four or five times face to face. I eventually tried breaking up over the phone, this worked. After that she would call and text me like crazy, and even started calling my parents. I got tons of calls and texts every day for a couple weeks, begging, pleading, for me not to leave her. This is what people are referring to when they say they are victims of “text message terrorism.” Again I really never wanted to be mean, but I had her phone number blocked from my phone. I even had to go so far as to have my parents call hers, and ask for her to stop calling our house. I then blocked her on Facebook. We still haven’t spoken, 5 years later...

I felt really bad about having to use “force”, but I did not want to date a girl because I would feel guilty for leaving her. I wanted to go out and experience life.

*

The second part is my most recent ex Cathy. About 6 months ago she suddenly started acting quite cold towards me. We stopped being intimate, and she stopped talking to me like she normally did. I confronted her about it, and she said that she needed a break. I agreed, even though I knew that when girls ask to take breaks they have usually already made up their mind. I really loved her so I thought I would give it a try even though I was almost certain our relationship was doomed. After two weeks she said that she wanted even more space. She then suggested, “We go our separate ways.” I am not trying to toot my own horn here but I had learned from my previous break up that in this case the best thing to do would be to just let her go. So I that’s exactly what I did. The next morning, I sent her a message saying that I was going to take a few giant steps back and go my own way.

*

The difference between the two situations is that I let Cathy dump me gracefully, I let her do what she thought was the right thing to do FOR HER. I didn’t put up a fight or try to make her feel guilty for her decision. I have no idea what she is up to today, I have not broken NC. However, at bare minimum I bet she still respects me. If I run into her in a few years maybe we could end up striking a friendship, though I know that this is unlikely. The way that I acted will almost ensure that when she looks back on our relationship she will look on it in a positive sense. Whenever I look back on my time with Anne, especially after what happened at the end I usually think, “Thank God we are no longer together, she was a psycho!” The say that the way people carry themselves in the last few days of the relationship have a huge effect on the way that people look back on the ENTIRE relationship. You have to respect the decisions of others and the choices they make.

*

Moral of the story: If you are a dumper, don’t be afraid to break up with somebody because you will feel guilty or are comfortable. If you are a dumpee, don’t fight their decision to dump you. You will only make it worse.

*

This is my experience with both sides*

[charly26]

Totally agree with you Jon.

I'm a dumpee in my situation. I respected her decision and didn't try to convince to take me back.

 

I still have some tiny hope about getting together, tough, every days that passes by makes it fade. How about you? Do you still have hope with Cathy? are you over her?

[0hpenelope]

Bumping this.

 

Again, thanks for sharing both stories, J0N.

[J0N]

She is finishing up school here and will graduate in May. Through the grapevine a while back that she took a job in CA. So I will probably never see her again. I know that there will be a blizzard in hell before I ever see or hear from her again.

[robaday]

Well, mines over both ends as well,

 

First one, i got dumped, twice by same girl. i was besotted, probably obsessed. it destroyed me. i turned psycho, bombarded her with abuse at myself and her. hated myself for long time after. she did get in touch a few times but i lashed out. weve recently re-connected again, despite all the psycho **** she's still diplomatic and its nice, whether well ever be friends i dont know, i wouldnt want anything else, and am 99% certain nor would she.

 

Second one. amazing girl, beautiful, kind, caring. desperate for a relationship. me, rough, burnt, with a view of relationships akin to the 7 circles of hell. i was picking up women left right and centre and dropping them. for some reason i stuck with this one. she cooked for me, cleaned for me, bought me presents, amazing sex, my friends loved her, but i just really didnt want a relationship. she was on the downside, clingy, overbearing and jealous. i was horrible to her, skipped dates, neglected her etc, she liked me even more, when i was nice to her she didnt like me so much. i think i broke up with her 4 times, she kept coming back for more of the same, i couldnt let go, but couldnt break it off. Even now if we see each other we cant keep away, amazing chemistry.

 

im not good at these things.

[Beeotch]

At the suggestion of 0hpenelope, I decided to reflect a little on two relationships that I have had previously with two different girls. I dated both of these two girls for about two years, the first one I broke up with and the second one dumped me.

 

This thread might end up turning into a novel but at least it could offer a little perspective at least for new dumpers and dumpees about what you should and should not do in each circumstance before its too late.

 

I will start with my first ex, who we will call Anne for the purposes of this. I dated Anne for about two years, we were like they say in Forrest Gump “just like peas and carrots,” everything was going great in our relationship. I was 19 at this time; I applied and got into a great college. It was close enough to home that we could have stayed together. My parents and friends started saying to me that I should consider breaking up with her, because I would get the most out of the college experience. 99% of people that go to college in a relationship do not last, after 4 years at school this is absolutely true. Anne did not get into my school; she really had no drive whatsoever, she sort of punted on the whole college thing. She planned to just baby sit for her neighbors, until she got into college, she had stopped applying though. I don’t want to sound like a snob but I think her parents liked me and my family for the wrong reasons. To be absolutely honest, I just was getting tired of the same old thing every weekend.

 

After a few weeks of thinking it over. I decided that I would break up with her. I was concerned that she would take it really hard. So I suggested meeting up in a park (neutral place), to break up with her face to face. I wanted to be nice about it. When I tried to tell her she slapped me, and started weeping. I caved and didn’t end up breaking up with her, even though I wanted to. I tried a couple weeks later, same story. I ended up trying to break up with her four or five times face to face. I eventually tried breaking up over the phone, this worked. After that she would call and text me like crazy, and even started calling my parents. I got tons of calls and texts every day for a couple weeks, begging, pleading, for me not to leave her. This is what people are referring to when they say they are victims of “text message terrorism.” Again I really never wanted to be mean, but I had her phone number blocked from my phone. I even had to go so far as to have my parents call hers, and ask for her to stop calling our house. I then blocked her on Facebook. We still haven’t spoken, 5 years later...

I felt really bad about having to use “force”, but I did not want to date a girl because I would feel guilty for leaving her. I wanted to go out and experience life.

*

The second part is my most recent ex Cathy. About 6 months ago she suddenly started acting quite cold towards me. We stopped being intimate, and she stopped talking to me like she normally did. I confronted her about it, and she said that she needed a break. I agreed, even though I knew that when girls ask to take breaks they have usually already made up their mind. I really loved her so I thought I would give it a try even though I was almost certain our relationship was doomed. After two weeks she said that she wanted even more space. She then suggested, “We go our separate ways.” I am not trying to toot my own horn here but I had learned from my previous break up that in this case the best thing to do would be to just let her go. So I that’s exactly what I did. The next morning, I sent her a message saying that I was going to take a few giant steps back and go my own way.

*

The difference between the two situations is that I let Cathy dump me gracefully, I let her do what she thought was the right thing to do FOR HER. I didn’t put up a fight or try to make her feel guilty for her decision. I have no idea what she is up to today, I have not broken NC. However, at bare minimum I bet she still respects me. If I run into her in a few years maybe we could end up striking a friendship, though I know that this is unlikely. The way that I acted will almost ensure that when she looks back on our relationship she will look on it in a positive sense. Whenever I look back on my time with Anne, especially after what happened at the end I usually think, “Thank God we are no longer together, she was a psycho!” The say that the way people carry themselves in the last few days of the relationship have a huge effect on the way that people look back on the ENTIRE relationship. You have to respect the decisions of others and the choices they make.

*

Moral of the story: If you are a dumper, don’t be afraid to break up with somebody because you will feel guilty or are comfortable. If you are a dumpee, don’t fight their decision to dump you. You will only make it worse.

*

This is my experience with both sides*

 

Excellent post!

 

It is true. The truth is, break ups are a part of life. Relationships teach you things and as you grow and change those relationships often change. Most people have several relationships before their final one....heck, people even marry more than once. But all in all, handling things with care and grace can help to make the inevitable better.

 

Break ups will always hurt, regardless, even when mutual. It is an ending, endings always feel uncomfortable and solemn...but if you handle it well, when the smoke clears as you've stated, you can look back at it more positively.

 

I too have learned after my last break up that brought me to LS how to surrender to it and allow things. It is of course hard and you may slip up....but for the most part I am certain that if I have to break up or be broken up with again I will handle it with way more grace and surrender than fight and fury.Things end for a reason and even if someone does it poorly, life has a way of correcting it later on....so allow it to do that versus fighting against the tide or forcing the issue.

[heel_ing]

JON, I'm curious as to your reasons why you are so sure you will never see or speak to your ex ever again.

 

Is this related to her moving? How far is she moving? You don't think you will ever communicate with her?

[J0N]

JON, I'm curious as to your reasons why you are so sure you will never see or speak to your ex ever again.

 

Is this related to her moving? How far is she moving? You don't think you will ever communicate with her?

 

I guess I can't say that I know for sure I will never hear from her again. She broke up with me somewhat suddenly and gave a bunch of BS reasons, like things from months ago that we had already worked out. I was never abusive or anything, I treated her like an angel. She is moving 3,000 miles away. I just feel she was kind of a chicken***** about it so she could never muster up the guts to contact me again. I decided a while ago that I would only respond in a genuine emergency, and nothing else. I know for a fact that there were no other guys involved. Her sister had just broken up with her serious bf and I am pretty sure she had something to do with this but that's only speculation. They are going to move out there together though.

[J0N]

I found out last night that a friend of mine hung out with my old ex (the one I dumped 5 years ago) last weekend. He said that the topic of me came up and she said "Oh, he is such an *******!" Then he told her that I genuinely felt bad (which I do/did) for being such a jerk to her all those years ago. She then started crying, and said that she still misses me and that she is glad to know how I feel. I do not want her back, at all. We broke up over 5 years ago, and she has been dating someone for a long time now. I am totally over her 100%. But I think it is good for her to know that I really felt bad about acting like that. It is something that has bothered me for some time. I thought what I did was truly awful, I feel better now that I have at least 'sort of' apologized through a friend.