That's it, I'm finished with this farce.

[Byren]

I feel like I'm running into a wall over and over, so here's a little vent that I feel I need to get out somewhere.

 

So my ex and I broke up 3 months ago today after a great 2 years and a few conflicting ideas...

 

One of the biggest things was that we both felt we weren't doing enough things together because I was too focussed on getting a job. Coincidentally I got the job a month after we split.

I'd been tearing myself up about everything afterwards, but I eventually calmed down and was finally on the road to bringing myself back up to 100%. I'd realised that with my new job I suddenly wanted to do all of the things that I felt I felt too guilty to do before (I used to want to spend all of my time training to get the job), and I then became sad that I was only a month too late and we could been doing all of these things together if we both could have held out a little longer.

 

About a month after starting my new job (about a week and a half ago) she came up to see me after a university interview. We started out fine and chatty, each of us hiding behind our walls, but eventually the walls fell and we started spouting our feelings.

We both miss each other, but she doesn't believe that I've changed in all the ways I say I have. She knows I'm not lying to her, but she thinks I'm lying to myself without knowing - which is complete bull. I know for a fact that I want everything I told her, and it sucks that she can't take that at face value, especially after everything we've been through.

 

A couple of days later we saw each other again to move the remainder of the stuff out of our old house, this gave us the whole day together - which was awesome. We were talking like old times and genuinely enjoying each other's company. Unfortunately I let my feelings get the better of me and needed to know more as to why. That conversation didn't end well.

 

It's her birthday and a mutual friend's birthday next weekend, something that I've said I'd go to. I want to go and have a good time with her... I guess it gets int he way somewhat that I still love her deeply, but she's also so interesting and fun to be around regardless, and I've been hit back enough that I know I won't try to bring this stuff up again.

 

Anyway, I'm putting this on record.

I've given her my final attempt to try and get her back. I tried to explain to her that now I'm in a job I enjoy, it's still just that - a job. I can see that she's always come first and I was a fool for seeing otherwise. This said, now I'm in a career that I can enjoy I can feel comfortable talking about the future; children, marriage, a mortgage, all that jazz... some other stuff that got int he way.

 

Despite the sadness I feel from her lack of trust in me I'm going to continue on with life, doing all of the things I've wanted to do, and even a few things I think would be interesting to try. I seem to spend most of my life in front of a screen so I want to learn snowboarding, train to run a marathon and get back into squash and badminton. I've even thought about taking part in a sky dive for charity!

 

If she doesn't want to believe me then that's unfortunate, because we would have had it so good, and we would have been so happy together.

This is herloss, because I'm going to continue to do these things anyway, but she won't be in the picture to see that I am a changed man. Perhaps by the time she realises there will still be an open slot for another chance, but then again, perhaps I'll be in another fulfilling relationship with a cute ski bunny, living in a château, working freelance.

 

Fin.