At the breaking point - Struggling to go on

[JustEmptyInside]

So it's now been 2 full months since I was tossed aside for "the other guy," and the whole rollercoaster thing is starting to wear me thin.

 

After a few weeks of begging and destroying my self respect in the beginning, i've been doing my best to maintain LC as much as possible (we own a house together and that process has not been easy, but I try to limit to only business). She is living with the new guy but still stays at home a few times a week, which kills me having to see her knowing she probably just got out of bed with him. I try not to let it show how much of a toll it's taking emotionally. For some ridiculous reason, after all I've been through, and how she's treated me like trash for two months - I still find myself with strong feelings for her.

 

The worst part, is that I went from always being the strong one emotionally to being a total wreck like this in less than 60 days. Everything in life is apparently a trigger for me now, and it's putting me into such a depressed state that I don't know how to cope anymore.

 

I've been thinking about therapy or counseling, but I worry about being put on meds for one reason or another. At the same time I wonder if that's the only way - deal with the side effects and move on?

 

I was looking for any advice from anyone that may have gone the "professional help" route, your experiences, etc. I really hesitate going through with it, but I just can't seem to get out of my own head, and its scaring the hell out of me. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I'd have thought "there's no way I could ever feel like that, no one could have that great an effect in destroying me." I guess when you go all-in with a relationship there's no way to know how much destruction is possible.

[Movingthrough]

What you are going through is not un-common, looking at it like that may help you a little bit. My situation was somewhat similar to yours where while i dont know if there was another guy at the time, she did move on very fast. The whole reason she liked me was because i was the "strong" type, and when it fell apart, i did the typical guy thing where i "changed" who i was by trying to get her back (probably like you did).

 

Usually when someone feels that they are done with someone or meet someone else, they get nasty, its their way of justifying the breakup and making themselves "feel" better. My ex blamed most of it on me, but then later admitted that it was a combination. With your ex being with someone else, its going to be very easy to think she is moved on, done with you, and doesnt give two sh i ts about you, i will tell you that even if she is living with another guy, she is thinking about you. Not saying you will get back together but people dont forget that easy.

 

Being rejected will make you want a person more, but the other day i sat down and actually asked myself if she walked in the door right now if i would feel the same, or would it solve my problems - the answer is no, and it would be the same for you. We yern for that person because we want the pain to stop, to fill the void but the reality is its not what it was and the void wont be filled.

 

As far as the therapy, im going now. Should have gone years ago but its something that will help. You usually leave with some sort of "hmm i never looked at it like that", and it helps. I wouldnt be scared of the meds or anything i mean you have to do what you have to do. Also realize that the break up is probably not the main issues here, there is probably deeper issues that cause you to be so hurt about this, thats what the therapists bring out, and just by idenifying them will make you feel better.

 

I would say go check one out, just moving forward and working on your stuff will make you feel better.

 

Remember, we all have been there, im there now...so dont think this is abnormal what you are feeling, and your ex is hurting too trust me.

[stopthemadness]

Hi ,so sorry for your pain and heart ache. Your only 2 months out of your breakup and thats not that long at all. Its very normal to still be feeling this way and the fact that she still stays there smtimes isnt helping either one of you. I am 8 months now out of my breakup. I was the dumpee. I Took it very hard. But its only been about a month and a half of No Contact. In the beginning i did just what you did, begging him not to leave.Still keeping contact in hopes he'd change his mind. I was soo very broken..I started seeing a therapist at first every 2 weeks. It seemed to be helping me, but progress seemed slow. So i started seeing her once a week for about a month. Thats when i really started to feel like i was healing. I also started going bk to church and started working on my relationship with God. Sence the breakup am closer with my family and friends again and that feels great. Last week I joined a gym too. Am not gona say i dont still have bad days. But these days it more like just a bad few hours then it passes. At the end of your post you say , you think this is what happens when you go all-in in a relationship. That part made me smile, cause you know what? When you get past all this and you will. You will one day "go all-in" again. And it will be awesome. So I say yes, A therapist is a great idea!! And i dont take any meds. But if she thought I needed it for a little while, I would. Good luck..keep posting its helps too.....

[JustEmptyInside]

Thanks for the kind words... It's always good to know that I'm not alone. I guess i'm just at a point where it's been hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Posting here definitely helps, if nothing else to vent.

 

I really do appreciate the fact that this board has so many great people on it to help each other - good to know that there are still decent people in this world.

 

Now to try and get myself back on track... as coping lately has involved me reverting back to my younger days when relief from the pain could be found at the bottom of a bottle... One minute at a time.

[timchambo]

wow I feel your pain man. 2 months out from a 7 year RL. She left said she "needed to be single". Found evidence of her dating a new guy within days. She denies leaving because of him, but it is what it is.

 

These last few days have been a struggle. I was feeling like I was making progress until last weekend. I don't know what it was, but just having a down week. Luckily I have found a few new friends that have been very supportive and going the extra step to include me in other activities.

 

You say you have been doing your best to maintain LC. If you were not living together would you still try to keep LC? Would you consider taking her back if you had the chance?

[Flabbergaster]

Having a therapist help is better than the situation you're in, now. They can help you see new perspectives, hurt less, deal with the pain. You can be in therapy and not take meds; lots of people go for the 'just talk it out' and 'learn coping mechanisms' bit. If you don't want meds, they won't give you meds.

 

Having said that, I would consider the meds if the doc thinks they will help. Make it clear that you're nervous about meds, and a doc won't just hand them out like candy.

 

A mild antidepressant (or even tranquilizer) for a short period of time can have a great effect. In your situation, a doc might suggest short term use to get you past this crisis.

You ARE a strong guy. This crisis has temporarily weakened you. You'll be strong again. A therapist will definitely help you get there quicker. The meds are optional.

[brokendreamz]

Mate, I could have written most of what you have! I'm nearly 2 months out of an 8 year relationship (last two engaged), although she tells me there's no one else I'm pretty sure she's just telling me that to stop me hurting any more. In a way I wish she had come straight out and told me - these things have a way of coming out of the wood work and I know that if/when I do find out she's with someone I'll be straight back to day 1... I'm not looking forward to that!

 

I can't imagine how hard it is for you to see her regularly. We have a house to sell but she is staying at her Mums and I'm with my folks so at least I can get some distance.

 

We've been no contact for 8 days today! 8 days after 8 years of seeing each other, waking up next to each other every day. It's unbearable, but I know I'll get there eventually - as will you.

 

Looking back I can see that she'd checked out of our relationship a couple of months before Christmas - I was mostly to blame, I grew complacent, got totally out of shape and fell in love with the sofa and tv more than her. Even bought an x box... WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!

 

She seems to have moved the **** on without looking back at all which hurts the most but seeing as she had pretty much emotionally disconnected herself from us before she left, I have to look at it like she's had a 6 month head start on me! She is not a mean person, but I do think she should have had the decency to have had a 'serious chat' before walking out on me. I reckon I was in shock for a good week! Then spent the next 3 weeks chasing her and making myself look like a total mug. Nightmare!!

 

I started seeing a therapist the week after the split, I went to the doc first for some pills - I couldn't function at all - but he said what I was going through was natural and suggested therapy. I tried one guy for a couple of weeks but didn't connect, now I'm seeing a great one who really has helped me, I was nervous at first - there is a definite stigma attached to therapy in the UK and it felt like I was some sort of looney, but mate it's done good things for me - it's not a quick fix but I will stay with it for the foreseeable. I believe that if I'd gone sooner I would still be with the love of my life!

 

Someone on one of these forums said 'You haven't lived until you've had your heart broken' I can see what hey mean, I am trying to get some sort of positive from this ****ty situation - Joined the gym (recommend that), seeing the therapist, re connecting with old friends and what have you.

 

Just try to remember - 'A broken man is worth 2 unbroken!!'

 

Keep on keeping on mate - we'll get there!!

 

PS. How old are you both and how long had you been together? I'm 34 and she's 28. I do wonder if we got together when she was too young.

[JustEmptyInside]

Thanks guys.

 

timchambo - i've thought about that for a while now. Fact of the matter is that if we weren't bound by the house and went our separate ways, I think that I'd still go strict NC as much as it would hurt, since even seeing her face at this point seems to reset me to day 1 every time. In my mind I know that I could never take her back after what she did to me, but somehow I still love her on some level, even to the point that I genuinely feel bad for her since I know the new guy is probably using her and will most likely hurt her in the end (friends of mine have mutual friends of his, and I've been filled in on his reputation).

 

Broken, we were together 6 years, lived together for 5. Its eerie how similar our situations are sometimes. For us, she's 35 and i'm 29. My story is in my other post "New Here".

 

Looking back I know that I wasn't perfect, and I don't think anyone is. But when it came down to it, I was always there for her, always let her know how much I loved her, went out of my way to take care of her and try to keep her happy. I don't really take serious relationships lightly, I'm actually usually reserved for fear of getting hurt, but when I knew that I was truly in love with her I made a commitment, and would have stood by her no matter what. Even if we reached a point where there was no apparent hope, I'd have had the decency to try and work it out first rather than mentally checking out.

 

She has a history of broken relationships, many serious (engagements and such), maybe its a pattern, I don't know. All I know is that I loved that girl with everything I had and its killing me to realize that she is probably gone from my life forever.

[Flabbergaster]

Don' think 'forever,' think 'till week after next, at least.' Keep resetting the clock like this, so it's always "at least not for two weeks."

Maybe you'll be with her again, maybe not...but it's not happening this week or next week, is it?

On any given day, you can hold your head up for two weeks, right? Well...today is that day (so is tomorrow, and the day after).

 

I'm not saying do this forever...you're just doing this long enough to think clearly. Then you'll be able to figure out the next step.

 

The amount of pain you're in...please get therapy if you can afford it. It will help, I promise. Your regular doctor can easily suggest some people, they will respect the fact you don't want to start with meds.

[Renard99]

After a few weeks of begging and destroying my self respect in the beginning, i've been doing my best to maintain LC as much as possible (we own a house together and that process has not been easy, but I try to limit to only business).

.

 

Mate, I could have written most of what you have! I'm nearly 2 months out of an 8 year relationship (last two engaged), although she tells me there's no one else I'm pretty sure she's just telling me that to stop me hurting any more. In a way I wish she had come straight out and told me - these things have a way of coming out of the wood work and I know that if/when I do find out she's with someone I'll be straight back to day 1... I'm not looking forward to that!

 

I can't imagine how hard it is for you to see her regularly. We have a house to sell but she is staying at her Mums and I'm with my folks so at least I can get some distance.

 

We've been no contact for 8 days today! 8 days after 8 years of seeing each other, waking up next to each other every day. It's unbearable, but I know I'll get there eventually - as will you.

 

Looking back I can see that she'd checked out of our relationship a couple of months before Christmas - I was mostly to blame, I grew complacent, got totally out of shape and fell in love with the sofa and tv more than her. Even bought an x box... WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!

 

She seems to have moved the **** on without looking back at all which hurts the most but seeing as she had pretty much emotionally disconnected herself from us before she left, I have to look at it like she's had a 6 month head start on me! She is not a mean person, but I do think she should have had the decency to have had a 'serious chat' before walking out on me. I reckon I was in shock for a good week! Then spent the next 3 weeks chasing her and making myself look like a total mug. Nightmare!!

 

My situation is some what of a joining of your two situations. I too had a place with my ex so after the initial break up but we forced to live together until plans were in place to move out. Which made going through LC awkward and NC an impossibility. Like brokendreamz I think I got complacent at a time in my ex's life when she was developing as a person. I even bought an Xbox as well! I also hurt because she's only a 5 weeks out of the 8 year relationship and she's already come to terms with it, is happy and is forging ahead with the 'new her'.... but as you quite rightly say brokendreamz... using hindsight I think she's had since at least October last year, possibly longer, to get it straight in her head and emotionally disconnect from the relationship, so she has a long head start on me.

 

JustEmptyInside - I too am in the same position as you regarding counselling or therapy. I'm reluctant to go, but at the same time i'm really having trouble quietening my thoughts and getting everything straight in my head. As good as my friends have been, I don't want to lean on then too much and sometimes I feel they're maybe a little biased in favour of me when I want to lay it all out, completely unbiased to make sense of the relationship. My honest opinion is that we should bite the bullet and go. It could be our saviour, and if not, we can always stop.

[JustEmptyInside]

You guys are probably right in that I should just go and try it. I guess part of it is me trying to get over the stigma in my own head. The upside would be me possibly working out other issues that are probably hindering my recovery.

 

I too admit to getting somewhat complacent. However I still always made it a priority to spend time together, go out together and do fun things. A lot of times I'd come home from a 10-12 hour day at work (getting ahead to position us financially to get married/start a family), make dinner, and just be exhausted on the couch. I still don't see why my not wanting to talk about how much I hated my job was grounds for leaving.

 

Now I find myself doing the worst thing possible - comparing myself to the new guy. He's got me beat - nicer house, nicer car, more money, better looking... Where we were building a life together from the start (I was pretty young when we got together), he's already settled in his life and she can just plop into it. I guess for her it was that simple to turn off her love switch for me. It was like when she fell for this guy (obviously before the dumping of me), suddenly nothing I did over the last 6 years was good enough. The way I treated her was never good enough. Such hurtful words after knowing that I really did give her, and our relationship my all.

 

I may never find someone like her again, and maybe i'll never love anyone quite as much as I loved her, but the realization I'm trying to come to is that I just need to heal for myself, and what happens from here on out - happens. I just hope I don't spend the rest of my life trying to analyze all the things that I did wrong over the years - thinking that it was completely my fault that I lost my one chance at someone great. Cause from where I sit now, I don't even believe there is a guaranteed light at the end of this tunnel.

 

Thanks for listening all - I really do appreciate the comments. Sometimes just venting on here and getting feedback helps...

[brokendreamz]

Re: Therapy.

 

What've you got to lose right?

 

I remember thinking that it couldn't possibly get any worse! And if the therapy route didn't work for me then at least I'd know that and not sit there wondering.

 

We're all different and believe me, before all this happened I WOULD NEVER EVEN HAVE CONSIDERED IT! I used to think that only the weak went to some stranger to thrash out what's eating them - I'm a ruddy bloke, surely a few beers and a chat with some mates would sort any problems!! WRONG!!!

 

Seriously just give it a try - nothing ventured nothing gained. It might do nothing for you, it might take a while but it might just open up a whole new thought process and offer you a different perspective.

 

Quote Winston Churchill 'The only way out is through' Seeing a therapist isn't going to be like waving a magic wand - we've all got a long way to go and a lot of hard graft before we emerge from this dark dark tunnel and you're right, there are no guarantees of blinding light at the end, but none of us here are in the right headspace to make any decisions about our long term future just yet. It's not going to be easy and there's no quick fix but we will all have learned a lot about ourselves in the process - I've learned that posting on an internet forum isn't just for geeks for a start!!

 

It's ****ing **** cos it really is just one day at a time at the moment and when like me you were looking forward to the whole house, kids and perfect life with your soul mate route, to have that very person rip your ****ing heart out of your chest and disappear forever it's no wonder we're in a state.

 

I can't believe how this girl has affected me and I can't EVER imagine meeting someone as perfect as her. I miss her soooo much and literally think about her every second - I was in a very important meeting at work earlier and someone mentioned that he was getting married tomorrow... I went to pieces and had to leave the room! Just as I thought I was making progress, after nearly 8 weeks of trying to cope and not crying for the last 8 days then BOOM, I'm a wreck! only this time I didn't cry for as long and managed to pull myself together.

 

Hmmmm, just realised I started to vent there - sorry!

 

Any way... Therapy like Nike - JUST DO IT! I'm going back tomorrow and actually looking forward to it!

 

PS. Renard99 I wonder if there's a case for suing Microsoft - These X-Box's are quite clearly ruining peoples lives!!!

[BlindRage]

Why aren't people just honest about the reasons of why they leave? I really wonder to myself that. Why play it off saying they just "need" to be single and then a few days later you find out the real reason why they left -they had someone else on the side-. Its quite astonishing, do they think that spares feelings? I think it actually just makes it more difficult. They leave you with the hope that they just want to be alone and not be with anyone and it just makes you feel extremely low when you find out they got with someone else right after.

[BlindRage]

 

Looking back I can see that she'd checked out of our relationship a couple of months before Christmas - I was mostly to blame, I grew complacent, got totally out of shape and fell in love with the sofa and tv more than her. Even bought an x box... WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!

 

At least your couch won't just up and walk away.

[JustEmptyInside]

I have no idea what possessed her to lie about her reasons, but it was active lying that's for sure.

 

She originally dumped me (on new years eve mind you) after a week of staying out abnormally late every night with "friends from work" (we're talking after bar closing time late-totally abnormal for her).

 

The reason? "it just wasn't going to work". I tried to give the benefit of the doubt when she disappeared for 2 days after to "stay with friends". I wanted so badly to believe that she would come to her senses and at least try to work it out. I even outright asked if there was someone else. She told me no, and then started the deluge of reasons why I was so bad to her for all these years, and why she had to get away for "her" etc, etc. (don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect and had my faults - but nothing that was "beyond hope")

 

After the fact I find out through mutual friends that the new guy has been sniffing around her for some time, and she basically ran to him the same night she dumped me. I called her on it and bring up the fact that I outright asked if there was someone else. She denied that I even asked the question, cause if I did she would have said yes.

 

I realize that she had it worked out in her head long before it actually happened, just pissed that I was the last one to know. In my weakest point of missing her in deep depression, I came real close to doing something stupid (maybe I should leave it at that - I've worked past this point). Thinking that after so long together she'd understand why I was so broken up - I confessed it to her (stupid) when we finally talked a little. Her reaction? A shrug and a half hearted "sorry."

 

After 6 years of dedication and commitment, there's your proof of the mindset she had. I could have been dead - and I get a f*****g shrug and one cold word.

 

People like to say its a form of personality disorder when people turn cold like that - maybe it is, maybe not. But damn - I know that I couldn't do that to someone that I truly loved. I don't care if I wound up drunk with a naked supermodel begging me to take her home, I still would have stayed committed and faithful to my ex, I know who I am and I'm true to my character.

 

I think that this type of mindset (the faithful part) is starting to be considered an "old school" principle, with the "do for yourself and f*** whoever you hurt in the process" becoming more of a societal norm.

 

Its a sad world we live in.

 

Oh and P.S. - My couch did up and walk away. It was hers.

Edited March 3, 2011 by JustEmptyInside

[Flabbergaster]

Tony friggin Soprano goes to therapy. You gonna call him a sissy, cause he has a therapist? He isn't, neither are you.

 

Lots of strong famous powerful people get therapy.

 

Many execs get it whether they need it or not, because it 'sharpens' them even further.

 

Actually, a number of professional athletes have gone to therapists, to learn more about themselves and how to 'aim at themselves' to improve performance, how to deal with issues that cause them to hold back in life.

 

To you, her departure is sudden. You think there is going to be a simple explanation. To her, it's been building a long time. She can't give you a simple explanation. Things changed slowly, she didn't tell you until the LAST change. it sucks to receive this; you didn't know about the problems until it was too late to fix them.

[Renard99]

 

Oh and P.S. - My couch did up and walk away. It was hers.

 

That made me laugh, but not in a comedic way, more a nervous laugh of familiarity.

 

I'm sat here with this computer (she took the original, this was bought about a week ago), the desk it sits on, my CDs and DVDs, my clothes, a wardrobe and a matress (but no bed) and that is it. The rest of this three room house is empty (I'm even kneeling at the desk as she took the chair!).

 

Her dad is wealthy so when we moved in he bought her loads of stuff for the house like the large TV, the computer, the bed, dinner plates the whole lot. So of course, when she moved out the whole lot was hers.

[BlindRage]

I was there -still am actually-. As soon as it was over she went running to this so-called "friend". And then I became old-news, trash, a pest to her. It's a mystery how they can easily check out. I really don't understand how some people can become so cold after showing you warmness and love.

 

 

After 6 years of dedication and commitment, there's your proof of the mindset she had. I could have been dead - and I get a f*****g shrug and one cold word.

 

Its a sad world we live in.

 

Oh and P.S. - My couch did up and walk away. It was hers.

 

Don't ever hurt yourself. I attempted suicide not too long ago trying to get her attention so we could talk (I guess I thought that if she felt sorry for me we could talk lol, pathetic, I know). Well the only think I achieved out of that was a lengthy hospital stay, endless tears, extreme rapid heart-rate in which they had to watch me, some nurse being next to me 24 hours a day to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself, even more depression, her completely thinking the worst of me and ending ALL contact with me.

 

Believe me its not worth it lol. Don't do that, don't even try.

 

 

Oh and notice SHE took the couch away from you. It wasn't its' choice.

[LexiArcher]

 

People like to say its a form of personality disorder when people turn cold like that - maybe it is, maybe not. But damn - I know that I couldn't do that to someone that I truly loved. I don't care if I wound up drunk with a naked supermodel begging me to take her home, I still would have stayed committed and faithful to my ex, I know who I am and I'm true to my character.

 

I think that this type of mindset (the faithful part) is starting to be considered an "old school" principle, with the "do for yourself and f*** whoever you hurt in the process" becoming more of a societal norm.

 

Its a sad world we live in.

 

 

 

I am so sorry for your experience. My heart hurts for you, because I can deeply relate to your experience. Sadly, I think your 'take' on the ruthless individualistic mentality of most people these days, is 100% true. And those of us who are left in the wake of their destruction, are nothing but casualties of these selfish, callous and indubitably RECKLESS people.

God bless. Hang in there. Many can relate, and you will find the One who DESERVES your love.

[JustEmptyInside]

Thanks Lexi, I do hope you're right. After having everything ripped out from under me, it's not easy to convince myself that there is still someone out there for me who will love me better than she did.

 

I think a lot of the struggle for me so far has been to try and repair my self-esteem, confidence, and trust - all of which have been obliterated by this whole mess.

 

I had said earlier that I realize I'm comparing myself to the new guy, and how on paper he really does have more to offer her. The more I think about that statement, the more I realize that there will ALWAYS be another guy out there who is better, has more to offer - I just hope that there's still a girl out there (somewhere) who realizes that even though the grass looks greener somewhere, that's not how relationships founded on true love should work. A real, true relationship should be able to stand up to intermittent feelings of GIGS without crumbling.

 

It's no way to be in a relationship constantly worrying that she's going to see a chance for an upgrade and drop you like a rock in an instant. This is a big issue of mine now that I have to work on so that I don't carry it into another relationship.

[fetish]

Just Empty,

 

I'm sorry for your pain and loss. 6 years is a long time and the pain you're going through right now is collosial. Just know, once you get through this tough time, you'll come out stronger than ever. That in itself will be the blinding light at that end of the tunnel, because once you've taken your life completely back, you'll be stronger, more confident, and exude a different vibe to attract even better women.

 

I'm 4 weeks in to my break up and have tried to deal with it by keeping busy. Going to the gym, working at my second job or anything. I try not to go home much, only for bedtime. It was hard at first because I'm still in the apartment that she left. I couldn't just walk out in the middle of a lease like she could. When she moved out, the apartmnet felt empty, lonley, and cold (especially at night when my thoughts would consume me the most). With me still being in the aparmtent we both shared, i just felt so.. left behind.