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so hard to deal with

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 25th February 2011, 1:53 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 4
so hard to deal with

Hi everyone,

This might be a long one but please read all the details as i myself am very confused. Ok as every girl in high school i met this perfect guy for me and we started seeing each other at the age of 17.We use to see each other everyday n night at school,extra classes and all. Are relationship started growin and we really felt in love (atleast me). As years past we spent almost 5 yrs together and then suddenly my family decided to move to US.I couldnt help myself but then my boyfriend supported me sayin that this was happenin for good and this was chance for us to make good carreers and he will soon follow me to US in a yr or so. I was all excited as i really hoped he will make it here.There was lot to explore in this new place and i was striving hard to adjust myself so i got all busy in my life.But i regular use to chat atleast once a week with him. And he was soo good to me that when i was there (backhome) with him he'd treat me like his princess and treat me like his baby. I really thought i found the right person for me.We use to video chat online every weekend. In this i started to get insecured i never expressed it to him so i figured out ways to keep him close to me. So i started celebrating every possible day we would if i was there by sending him gifts and talking on phone.(We had physical relationship but never had sexual intercourse). I started calling him 5 times a day sometimes.And he would always pick up and talk as he used to really miss all the days n time spent with me. He use to tell me about all the places he still liked to go and see where we had spent time and missed me there.He would send me all his family and occasional pics as soon as they took place. Everything was going fine and i was just going crazy about him. He was my world and we both thought this was just a phase of are life we are seperated but its for r good as we will make money and set are carreers in future( i was 21 yrs old and he was 22yrs). Everything was fine but then he started feelin that coming to US was a lil difficult for him with finances and all. And because he was the only son in thier family his family was a lil concerned about him going away from them( traditional typical indian family). So he convinced me that he will convince his family somehow and he would make it to UK first and then US for his masters coz UK was easier and all his friends were applyin with him too. So i was fine with it as long as he makes it to me. But oneday he was all upset on phone and said everything got ruined as he flunked a yr and so he couldnt transfer to UK unless he completes his 2 yrs in india.So we both were upset and thought and he somehow convinced me that he will make it no matter what it takes. And we were spending are days just the same phones,videocalls, gifts, pics.He would always make me feel loved and missed.All of sudden i recieved an email of some girl who was trying to get hold of me. She mentioned this was regarding my boyfriend. I spoke with her as she mentioned my bf name and so i thought she wanted to talk to me or something. But she emailed the worst day of my life telling me they were dating for about a yr now. I didnt believe her and wrote back to stop all the pranks she was playin. at the same time i was tryin to get hold of my boyfriend. I got hold of him and asked him about her .. the moment he heard the name he took a pause and said "she's in are college group,not a prob" why? .. and so we ended are conversation. Next day when i had her email telling me all the details of my bf and her relationship (every dirty details was given) coz may b she was convinced i wasnt believing her. I got really upset and wrote her back again to stop all this .. at the same time i wanted to tell my Bf everything so i forwarded all those emails to him. I kept calling him to speak about all this. And he didnt pick up for a long time (doesnt happen that often, he had read all those mails). So when i got hold of him he was cryin on the phone sayin he wanted to be alone and that everything is messed n he's gonna loose me... n i wasnt able to understand coz so far i thought it was that girl claimin. But then i was devasted to know about everything. After couple of fights and emails he finally wrote about how they met at college function and he jst thought her as good friend and helped her in everything she wanted. She got all stubborn and she wanted him to be in her life and because she knew it wont happen as he loved me she got hold of me n wrote all these emails. I was all upset coz bein so far i was loyal to him .. infact i would ask him over the phone if i should go to movie with friends, outings and when he denied for no reason sometimes just because there were guys with me i 'ld never go(now i feel such a dumb i was). Coz i always thought he thought for my good and nothing was as important as him to me. But after hearing that they both use to hang around everywhere, went for long vacations together i was really upset.Felt like i had made this cutesy world for myself and i was living in it blindly trustin him. I felt betrayed and i decided to break up. I broke up and he begged to me till he puked over the phone and my mind wasnt ready to live without him as its had been 7 yrs we were together (kinda like a habbit by now). So i decided to give him another chance and he said he 'ld do anything to get me back and not lie in his life. Would stay like a slave and just follow wot i want and how i want him.With all this my mind started changing as i never wanted such relationship to boss or to keep spyin on him or even ask someone to keep an eye on him for me ( didnt felt like a relationship). I just wanted the same we were, before all the emails and the dreams we both dreamed off. At the same time i had a work place collegue who was askin me out. And i was avoiding him from long time as i loved my bf. With all this situation i really wanted someone to be with me and wake me from nightmare i was goin through.When he called me i told him i found someone and i dont want to be with him anymore (i deserve better). I started seeing my collegue to forget my pain and keep my mind busy. When i realised i will never forget my ex and i was being unfair with my present as i was just using him to forget my past. But i had no intention or feeling for him at that point. So i broke up with my collegue as well (thanks to him he was very understanding). I was never able to forget my ex as i was really in love with him but i also didnt wanted to have an unfaithful and lack of trust in relationship.My ex never called me ( i dont know y?) when i was in US .. i use to always call him but yea he would always come online and never forget or miss coming online. After i finally broke up with my ex he never called me or anything .. infact i was so restless that i would call him with some or the other reason. It was killing me to think that why doesnt he call just like i call him, doesnt it upset him jst like it does to me? did he really ever loved me? its been almost 3 months now i somehow have kept myself from calling him.. sometimes i feel like callin him with some reason and see how he is doin .. but then i feel may be he never wanted me .. cause if he did he could have called me up just with some reasons like i did. But he never ever called me after we broke up and this leaves lot of thought behind me .. thinking if he ever loved me in past 7 yrs? if i never had those emails i would never knew about his relationship with his friend or gf (dont know) and so .. or was he always a lier but he got away with it many times? its been a yr and this questions haunt me .. kill me and i keep cryin day n night. All are/his friends meet me online and keep talking about him saying that he was seeing someone from his college when i was here.But somewhere i still feel people just gossip as they now know what happendd between us .. but i somewhere with all the sincerity i loved him feel that he just lied in fear of loosing me... but i dont know may be again i am just bein unrealistic because i want too. I dont know if he really loved me in his whole life ?? if yes then why he never felt restless or felt like talkin to me and ever called me to see how i was doin? just like i feel about him?? can men be patient like this or is he expecting me to take the intiative ? but y would i when he was all wrong and kept liein to me for a yr ?infact i had few friend who told me about his behaviour they saw and warned me but i always neglected and trusted him coz when i approached him he would confidently deny them and because we were in long distance relationship i had no chance of catching him with expression,gestures or may be spyin... and now i feel like stupid.i would have may be figured at that time ? i just want to ask everyone what would you do if you were in my situation??
its hard to forget him
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