GiaGallery Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I am not an overly sensitive person but I am starting to question a relationship that I have. I will list some behaviors and would greatly appreciate feedback from people outside of my relationship who can see things more clearly than I at the moment. 1. Critisizes me all the time. The way that I talk, the things that I like be it colors, tv shows, weather. It doesn't matter. He used to compliment me for these things and now it is like I can't say or do anything right. 2. Gives me the silent treatment from a week to a month at times. If I disagree with him or he is angry about something he goes silent. When asked if he is angry he denies it and plays it off like he does not realize he is behaving this way. It is so strange. I tell him it bothers me so much but he still does it. He says I am crazy or over reacting. 3. Told me if we got married I can no longer be supportive of my friends with their problems. Says they cannot call me expecting me to listen to their problems because I will be married so that stops. 4. Yells at me but never name calling or cussing. Yells and still says he is not angry. Huh? There are lots of other things. I stay nice, submissive, quiet and he still does it. He compliments others but not me. It feels like he does not want me to like myself. Not to sound conceited or anything like that but all of my friends love me and men always say what a catch I am. Nobody seems to like my current bf and they say I am above this sort of thing. My question is, is this abusive behavior? Am I being abused even if he never calls me names, cusses, hits me or admits to being angry? Link to post Share on other sites
Nixx Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 call it whatever you want....I sure wouldnt want to be treated that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GiaGallery Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Nixx, I wish it were that easy. I am hoping that people who have been in the same sort of situation can shed some light on this. He was so different when we first started seeing each other and this all happened so gradually. I have been told by male and female friends of his that he is never interested in other women and I am the first he has been with in a real long time so I cant figure why he would be acting this way. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Maybe he isn't getting what he needs from you and is resentful? Certainly not excusing his behavior. And yes, that is emotional abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Abuse can come in many many forms Gia. Basically the mistreatment of another person is abuse. The level of abuse can vary - is he physically abusing you? No. Verbally? Doesn't sound like it. Emotionally? Perhaps yes, he might be. Your emotions are being messed with and he's the one doing the messing - that sounds like abuse. We all put up with some form of abuse, the levels and for how long are what we have to decide. No one and no relationship are perfect...but you have to think about whether or not you're willing to live the rest of your life like this. Take your friends and family out of the picture - don't think about what they say or think - instead look at this from your own angle. If this were your best friend or your sister, and you were sitting outside her window watching her life...what would you tell her to do? How would you feel about how she were being treated? Indignant? Defensive? Would you want to run in and rescue her? Or would you feel she could make some changes to make his behavior change? How are you different now than you were in the beginning? Did you allow his treatment to change you? Does he now resent the changes you've made in yourself? And perhaps he's not even aware you made them for him...I am not justifying his behavior - nor am I saying it's ok or that you deserve it or need to put up with it - not at all. I am just saying analyze the situation and see if there are changes that you can make to improve things...if you can't do anything to make things better and he isn't willing to make things better either then maybe it's time to reconsider the relationship...but that, my dear, is up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
fiat500 Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 (edited) this is abusive AND controlling. when a partner wants the other partner to change (not even for the better but over stupid things) it is a sign of control. abuse does not always entail the physical. verbal abuse is very real and worse than physical abuse. Are you happy being submissive? Because he's definitely walking all over you and this is far from a healthy relationship. he compliments others and criticizes you. this is not a good thing. would you want any of your friends to be in a relationship like this? if you stay with him, he will break you down and there isn't going to be anyone around to build you back up. no one can tell you to stop talking to or helping your friends. that kind of request comes from a very controlling individual. it has nothing to do with infidelity. this is real emotional abuse you are dealing with. only you can stop this. Edited February 23, 2011 by fiat500 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GiaGallery Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Flat, come to think of it, he critisizes all of my friends, even the ones he has not met yet. Link to post Share on other sites
KeyBiscayne Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Flat, come to think of it, he critisizes all of my friends, even the ones he has not met yet. Yes what you are experiencing is abuse. People who have never experienced persistent emotional/psychological abuse have no idea how painful and destructive it can be. You don't deserve it and if you have children they certainly deserve a healthier environment. Tell him he needs to get help. Research therapists who superficially deal with emotional abuse/anger management issues. This is very important. People who are emotional abusers will often turn on their "nice twin" when in front of therapists. You need a skilled therapist to get to the bottom of the issue. IF he will not seek help with you or alone. LEAVE. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Kic Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 You've described 3 out of 4 of Gottman's 4 Horsemen: Criticism (self-explanatory) Defensiveness (dismisses your concerns as "crazy or over reacting") Stonewalling (silent treatments) Contempt (not described) http://www.youtube.com/user/TheRRInstitute#p/u/0/tQOgAgfDm_8 It may not necessarily be abuse, but relationships tend to not last when these are present. If he cannot stop these behaviors then you need to end it. People act on their best behavior at the start of the relationship. You learn how they really are only months/years later. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 It may be abuse, but it depends on how and why this behaviour mainfests itself. You have told us what he does but you have not given any context? Is there a context? Or is this behaviour random and not based upon anything? I am emotionally abused by a family member, I know it's emotional abuse becasue I have been in IC and my counsellor has told me it is abusive. Here are some examples 1. On any given day I do not know what awaits me when I get up. I can be greated with "morning, cup of tea?" or "you stupid f***** girl why have you..." 2. I have no privacy, my abuser will just walk into my room, even if the door is shut and they know I am sleeping. My abuser will listen into my phone calls. 3. My abuser exercises control over where I go and when by expressing disapproval of my choices 4. My abuser controls my spending of my own money 5. My abuser will make stressful situations more stressful for me, like when I am doing exams she will deliberately target these times and start a huge name calling, screaming tirade upon me, culminating with threats to kick me out of the home. 6. My abuser will try to undermine my sense of worth, so for example, my last birthday she asked if there was anything I would like, when I told her, I got told I was inconsiderate, stupid for asking for that and that I had no regard for her finances. I hadn't asked for anything expensive. 7. My abuser criticises my friends and accuses me of caring more about them than about her. 8. She tells me to shut up all the time, even when I am just making conversation. 9. She tells me I am stupid, ungrateful, that my ex partner of 20 years was right to leave me because I wasn't good enough for him etc 10. She swears at me constantly 11. My friends will not come ot my home anymore because they got so upset by the way she speaks to me 12. She slams doors, throws things and does the silent treatment over nothing, just because I looked at her "funny" It's hard to explain abuse to someone who hasn't experienced it but it essentially comes down to this, if they constantly put you down and there is NO BASIS OF TRUTH in why and you walk on egg shells all the time because you know no matter what you do or don't do has no bearing on whther they will erupt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GiaGallery Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 Thank you all for your replies. Willow, some of that sounds like what I deal with. As I think I mentioned the only thing left out of it is the name calling. It is always back handed kinds of things or like he will be agreeable or act as if things are fine but then a few days later, weeks or even months later bring up the very thing that he was ok with, example, he will critisize me or make sarcastic remarks to/about me or he will ignore me for days. The longest I have had the silent treatment was a month and no matter how many times I tell him that his ways hurt me he does not care. He said a woman needs to be quiet and to take orders from her man. Sometimes when we are out he will make mean remarks about women he doesnt even know. Update: I have broken up with him. I couldnt take anymore and it has become so confusing i feel like I am losing my mind. He is always leaving and coming back as if nothing has happened, it is so confusing for me. One week he loves me and wants to be with me and the next week he is cold distant and mean. Link to post Share on other sites
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