Depression & Appearing Selfish To Others

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I have suffered from low grade depression for a while on and off, recently it has just completely engulfed me due to issues in my personal life that I have severe trouble coping with.I have been crying everyday and can barely get out of bed. The emotinal pain just feels too hard to bear for much of the time.

 

I feel the world is against me and that people are either attacking me all the time or ignoring me.

 

My family are not there for me and exclude me (well in fact I know for certain they do), and when I actually DO see them we often end up in major quarrells which just causes me untold grief. I regularly feel victimised by them which can make me defensive and further aggravates the situation, and the more horrible they are to me the more hysterical I go. One particular incident a few days ago had me collapse in pain with a migraine and I couldn't move for hours.

 

I want to feel they care about me and love me. However one of my sisters has just said to me that my depression has made me really self centred and that everyone feels that I try to make everything about me. I explained calmly and politely that I certainly do not mean to appear selfish, but she continued to give me a really hard time tonight and had a very aggressive tone with me and even kept swearing even though I kept trying to justify it by saying it is due to the depression and it must be making me appear self absorbed but only because I feel so neglected it makes me subconsciously try to draw attention to myself when I see them. They all live away from me and my sisters live together with one of their boyfriend who is like one of the family and gets involved in everything, so after an argument I am left all alone to go back to my place hundreds of miles away whilst they seem to have some sort of alliance - I would hate to be a fly on the wall when they all discuss how bad I am when I am not there to defend myself

 

It does feel like they gang up, they seem to always look for an argument, and appear to kick me when I am already down enough. I have pleaded with them many a time to just be nice to me and they go away back to theirs and just leave me to rot for weeks. It is like a cycle, they get on with me (in a false sense of security sort of way) and everything seems great, then there can be one day where everything I say to them is turned into an argument, then it just escalates from there, usually ending on us all parting on very bad terms and them leaving to go back to my own place on my own with no support. Then they carry it on by bringing up how bad I was, making me apologise and blaming me when I try to act positive and move on from things. They all honestly seem to hold grudges, like to blame and thrive on arguments and bad feeling. It must be somewhat caused by our upbringing full of domestic violence and emotional abuse.

 

I know I am depressed but at least I try to move on from things and want to get on with them, I don't get why they can't see that being nasty to me and excluding me is making my depression worse??? Surely they should be supportive of me and try to uplift me during this difficult time??? But I feel like I am trying to get water from an empty well here, they will not play ball.

 

I mean take tonight, even though we only had a brief online conversation my sister has really affected me once again, and she gets to walk away and detatch herself from it whereas I am left hurting - these things have such a major impact on me, if I told her this she would accuse me of being self centred once again Talk about beat a dead horse.

 

Ironically both my sisters have degrees in psychology/sociology - why are they not more understanding? What did they actually learn on their courses???

 

I know this is long but any feedback would be great, would be lovely to just hear from someone who understands.

[Lotus.Flower]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I understand what it's like to live with depression and to have loved ones who don't really understand. One thing I have found is that sometimes I just have to remove toxic people from my life. Yes, even family members. I know that this can be a very hard thing for some people, especially if they are close to their family or really want to have that close relationship. But for me, I found that my energy was drained and more often than not I felt much worse after communicating with certain family members so I did what was best for me. Some people may call that self-centered, but you have to be the primary guardian of your own emotional health.

 

I also know what it's like to grow up in a house with domestic violence. It is quite interesting how siblings growing up in the same household tend to handle those situations differently. For example, I have distanced myself from my family quite a bit because I just found the whole environment to be too unhealthy for me. But my siblings chose a different, and simply pretend none of it happened, and they all still live in the same area. People are so different, even within families, and we all do the best we can to cope.

 

I think that it can often be very difficult for people who don't live with depression to really understand the effects it can have on a person's daily interactions. It also sounds like you may be more sensitive than your sisters, so certain things that they do or say may affect you in ways that they don't understand (something else to which I can relate). I'm not sure exactly what behavior you're exhibiting that your sisters consider to be self-centered, but just know that speaking out when you're hurt is not being self-centered, it is actually an act of self love. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself or voicing your pain.

 

I have been called self-centered because I'm an introvert and I'm not comfortable in crowds, and I prefer small groups or being alone. So I was told that I was self-centered because I don't like being around lots of other people. See how crazy that sounds? Often times people will project incorrect and/or negative labels onto a person simply because they don't really understand them, and don't want to take the time to really learn why we are the way we are.

 

Anyway, I hope this has helped you at least a little. And please know that the whole world is not against you. I know it can feel that way sometimes, especially if you're dealing with depression and then life throws some other crap at you and you feel like you're swimming upstream by yourself. But there are other people out here who understand. I wish you well.

[Denillad]

I understand your concern and Im just offering my opinion as I don't know anything your life and all in it but there are two sides to every story. You are who are you and so are your sisters n they may honestly feel that way and you may have to accept it. You cant change them so have to change how u relate to them. This is a difficult time for u and sometimes the world seems/ is against but you have to create/ find a good place for urself cause the world just may not create that space for u.

Edited February 9, 2011 by Denillad

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I understand what it's like to live with depression and to have loved ones who don't really understand. One thing I have found is that sometimes I just have to remove toxic people from my life. Yes, even family members. I know that this can be a very hard thing for some people, especially if they are close to their family or really want to have that close relationship. But for me, I found that my energy was drained and more often than not I felt much worse after communicating with certain family members so I did what was best for me. Some people may call that self-centered, but you have to be the primary guardian of your own emotional health.

 

I also know what it's like to grow up in a house with domestic violence. It is quite interesting how siblings growing up in the same household tend to handle those situations differently. For example, I have distanced myself from my family quite a bit because I just found the whole environment to be too unhealthy for me. But my siblings chose a different, and simply pretend none of it happened, and they all still live in the same area. People are so different, even within families, and we all do the best we can to cope.

 

I think that it can often be very difficult for people who don't live with depression to really understand the effects it can have on a person's daily interactions. It also sounds like you may be more sensitive than your sisters, so certain things that they do or say may affect you in ways that they don't understand (something else to which I can relate). I'm not sure exactly what behavior you're exhibiting that your sisters consider to be self-centered, but just know that speaking out when you're hurt is not being self-centered, it is actually an act of self love. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself or voicing your pain.

 

I have been called self-centered because I'm an introvert and I'm not comfortable in crowds, and I prefer small groups or being alone. So I was told that I was self-centered because I don't like being around lots of other people. See how crazy that sounds? Often times people will project incorrect and/or negative labels onto a person simply because they don't really understand them, and don't want to take the time to really learn why we are the way we are.

 

Anyway, I hope this has helped you at least a little. And please know that the whole world is not against you. I know it can feel that way sometimes, especially if you're dealing with depression and then life throws some other crap at you and you feel like you're swimming upstream by yourself. But there are other people out here who understand. I wish you well.

 

 

Thanks Lotus!

 

Seems you are similar to me in some ways, that you grew up in a toxic house and your siblings brush the family problems under the carpet and still live in the same area yet you live away from them - that's me to a tee!!! Sorry to hear you went through it too

 

Yes I am definitely more sensitive than they are, I get very upset easily - so I guess my depression may seem like cry wolf to some extent as they must veiw me as perpetually upset about something. They definitely seem to be lacking in empathy. It probably is definitely a case of not understanding depression properly unless you have been through it yourself, hence their ignorance despite degrees in this field.

 

A lot of people have advised me to boycott my sisters and my parents as they cause me more trouble than happy times but I cannot bear to think about doing that as I feel very lonely so much of my social life revolves around seeing them so I would find myself hurt over holding a grudge and, plus becoming a hermit in the process. Not an attractive situation. The good times are seldom, but are very enjoyable when things go smoothly, it would be a shame to miss out. But when things are bad, they are dreadful. I guess I have to ask myself is it worth all the pain?

 

When they say I try to put the attention on me, it seems like they all start shouting and saying/doing nasty things which gets very overwhelming, I react, then they say I am putting on the *insert my name* show. Sometimes they even manage to upset me in very subtle ways without the others noticing, so all they see is my extreme reaction - putting on my show again.

 

They certainly know how to kick me where it hurts, for example they are fully aware that I suffer with loneliness and get extra depressed when on my own yet they choose to exclude me. They also know I am in financial difficulty, lost my job a few months ago, hate the town I am living in and wanted to feel closer to them, yet they have just moved into a house with only enough room for them after I made it clear I would have loved to live with them. I was accused of being self centred once again when I mentioned this to one of my sisters tonight. My other sister has not even contacted me at all for ages. It is just so painful how they do not care about me yet are all living together in their own little bubble. I am going through enough and the lack of support honestly makes it seem 10x harder. I feel hurt and very angry as I write this, the thought of them all playing happy families and being really fake and in cahoots is just too much. Oh well, I guess they are all very unhappy in their own lives to pick on me like they do. My fiance thinks they have control issues, oh and they are both in co-dependant relationships. I am nothing like them, I just always feel like the weak pathetic victim.

 

Yes it is very ignorant how people label other people without getting to know what is really going on. Definitely says more about the name caller than the person with the 'defect'.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I understand your concern and Im just offering my opinion as I don't know anything your life and all in it but there are two sides to every story. You are who are you and so are your sisters n they may honestly feel that way and you may have to accept it. You cant change them so have to change how u relate to them. This is a difficult time for u and sometimes the world seems/ is against but you have to create/ find a good place for urself cause the world just may not create that space for u.

 

Yes it feels like I am forcing it much of the time, and when they will not co operate and be nice back it makes me explode. I think you are right in that they are set in their ways and I need to change how I react, on a bad day you just cannot reason with any of them. I know sometimes I react extremely, another excuse to accuse me of loving being the centre of attention. Maybe I should just accept that they never will be how I want them to be, sadly.