So very lonely

[dng]

Hi folks,

 

Life really sucks right now.

 

She's been gone for 6 months. I went NC ages ago, she never really stopped trying to come back.

 

She doesnt really mean it, as soon as I break NC she's relieved, and then she runs in the other direction, as soon as I close that door again, she comes back running.

 

We had a long conversation on monday and she told me she left because I wasn't being a good boyfriend anymore, I spent more time outside than inside and at 28, she wanted to start family planning and I wasnt responding. All of this is true.

 

I guess I expected we would continue to exist in our own little vacuum forever.

 

I'm coming to the realization that she doesn't love me as much anymore. Yes, I'm family now and its hard to let it go.

 

But when you really want someone in your life, you make yourself available, you're there at the first occasion, you show your best sides as often as you can?

 

Of course, she denies all of this, and says she wants everything I want, but is afraid I'll never change.

 

It would help if I wasnt so lonely. I have friends, but most of the time I feel alone in the crowd.

 

I'm so not over my ex that I can't connect with people. At least, that's what I think the problem is. I'm a good looking guy, always get compliments, but people are afraid of me, call me mysterious, unsettling.

 

I used to pick alot of women up with that quality but it doesnt seem to be working anymore, I hook up often, get it to where I want rapidly but can never seem to get a callback. Maybe something in my eyes?

 

I feel so dead inside.

 

Meanwhile, my ex was already hooked up 3 weeks after she left, spending whole weeks with the guy. I wish I could at least compete on her level, I would feel a little less ****ty.

[dng]

What also doesnt help is that I'll take a call from her and right away she wants to come and see me.

 

Then I realize I can't get over the fact she left on a break but hooked up with a guy and all the entourage, including family, met him.

 

I'm reading articles about jealousy and possessiveness to try and figure myself out, I'm not a small person.

 

Slowly, I convince myself that it is nothing and it means nothing, and open that door for her a little and then she always flakes out but she's learning now, she flakes out in a way that she can pin on me.

 

Then I go NC again until I receive a 2 pages long email about how she can't eat, sleep, breathe.

 

This has been going on for 6 months.

 

I blocked her on my cell and everywhere else. I filter her emails out but then I mess up and check in my trashcan and find them later.

[reknown29]

Congrats on understanding what going on as far as her contacting you when you ignore her... Hearing this just helped me understand what is going on with me. I am nearly in the same exact position as you.

 

She contacts me consistently, even spends the night at my house. We kiss and stare in each others eyes like before, and then she stop it when it gets too far. I finally figured out she is dating another guy, and this is the reason why this happens. Same thin gwith him it seems, they spend alot of time together... She is never alone. She is a professional model... I always seem to be alone and have the same kind of hookups that you describe. Dont hear back... I figured out that this is because I always mention my ex, without even realizing it. Or I am just not putting in all the effort to make it happen. Naturally, one becomes somewhat self -centered after being dumped. Its an ego defense mechanism.

 

As far as our exes still contacting us. It is sooo hard. Cause we really still want them and they are playing with us, unconsciously, for there own sake. I really dont think neither of our exes realizes this. So it seems legit to us, even though we see the pattern of push and pull that you described.

 

We both need to find someone else so we don't care so much about contact with our ex. To do this we have to see the situation from above and realize what childish, self-involved behavior we are dealing with.

 

There are women out there who want to be in relationships. Though, a lot of them are avoiding any close relationship. This is especially the case if you live in a city. Women come and go. There is so much opportunity in a big city... Even the people I know who seem happily married, are often cheating on each other. I'm believeing that this is the city life. So lets not get upset when a girl sleeps with us and they dont call back. Were in an age where girls are becoming as much of a player as guys have been.

 

Keep at it and be happy. Ignore your ex and even if you do have contact, dont let it get to you. Stop letting someone who is not wanting to be with you, or who is dating someone else, effect you emotionally. Now if I only practice what I preach. I am definitely going to try.

[dk.bnz.chi]

that something in your eyes is a true statement.the day i was gonna break up with my 6 year gf,she looked in my eyes and started crying,she saw that there's no more love.

it is something that lights up when u like a person or are interested.

[dk.bnz.chi]

how long was the relationship?

[dng]

Congrats on understanding what going on as far as her contacting you when you ignore her... Hearing this just helped me understand what is going on with me. I am nearly in the same exact position as you.

 

OH man. Ouf.

 

Reading you is like a breath of fresh air. I'm so glad someone else can relate.

 

The relationship was 6 years, she's also a pro model. I pushed her really hard to go back to school, made her understand that what she had then, she would lose eventually. She completed a master's degree right before she left.

 

I can relate to everything you are saying. I haven't spent any nights with her since september because I've never said yes to her requests to spend time together after I finally found out she had something going on.

 

She told me it was 3 weeks after she left, and it went on for a month, but I don't really believe her on either points. Hopefully, I can get over it and never find out. When we spoke on monday, she was being very secretive and cautious, and she's generally unreachable even with a small work load and 2 university classes.

 

I dont mention her on purpose to other women, there are no "a woman lived here" signs in my appartment anymore but some will ask questions and I give straight answers.

 

There was a huge, framed, round mirror on a wall in one of the living rooms. A stupid point of contention, when she came to pick up her things (back in july), the mirror - she loved it - was supposed to stay there as a token of her really meaning that this was temporary and that she was coming back.

 

When I came back from killing time in a museum while she was moving out, the mirror was gone. I was appalled and outraged, so I took a sharpie and wrote "I will remember" where the mirror used to be and setup a lamp to project a round shadow in the form of the mirror at the right place.

 

Childish, I hope not. I was hoping this would help me remember to not pickup that phone when it rings, to not answer that excruciating, tear inducing, total desperation email.

 

For the past month, she started calling during the night, so I had to block her on my phone before going completely off the rails. It doesnt feel good, doing that feels like I'm doing something "bad" to her. How can I snap out of this wrong line of thinking?

 

Yes there are women out there looking for relationships, of course. However, I have to say I find alot of them are unreliable and not serious? City life here too, I'm beginning to wonder if everybody is so burned as to be scared of people they could really like.

 

As for your girl, take a baby step at each occasion you get. Start by not seeing her anymore. Then emails, then texts, then calls. Eventually you'll get there.

 

I know we are over. I know it in my heart and in my mind. I know that she WANTS to have everything come back to normal, and she's trying, but can't.

 

I don't know if its like she said, that the other guy was just a bandaid to get thru the worst part, or if its like I think, the other guy gave her that edge she needed to leave but he turned out different and she ended up missing me alot, but attached to him.

[dng]

I've rehashed that whole thing so many times.

 

I think I'm looking for meaning in all the wrong places. The simple truth is hard to accept.

 

Simple: she left.

[davisc123]

I have been in this exact situation. It's a total headf*ck.

 

She left for someone else, but wouldn't leave me alone. I pushed her away on a number of occasions, and each time it induced a period of desperation from her. I fell for it a number of times, and each time I reached out she started to distance herself again.

 

Even until this day she hasn't let me be. It is total selfishness. But it is so much easier said than done to just shut her off.

 

God knows what BS she feeds her new man. From what I've heard he is head over heels in love with her. More fool him.

[reknown29]

Its inspirational to hear someone else who dating an extremely attractive model/ celbrity type with everything going on (education, career, looks, etc.) go NC. Its hard because there is that thought that she means it when she says she wants to get back together... but then, again, the distancing says otherwise. You seem to have more self esteem then I do. Mine has been severely damaged and it seems to get worse when I have another girl not call me back after I seem to have clicked with her. Its always hard but after being dumped its exceptionally hard. I'm keeping my head up though, and I recommend you do to. Send me a message or post whenever you feel yourself slipping.

 

She needs to get the rest of her things. Shes suppose to do this this weekend so I will see. I'm not going to let her get close like she has been. I keep starting from day one when she does this. F@#d up because I told her this and she continues to do it. I've been upfront with her about my feelings because I dont really want her back. Guess Im hoping to get it out of me and push her away but it does kill my self esteem. Maybe it is a mistake.

 

ps I wouldnt say the mirror thing was childish in the sense that it is a child that you are dealing with. A mature woman would be more sensitive to the other persons feelings and wouldnt lead them on for self centered reasons.

[Surfer203]

My wife LEFT ME for a model. It hurts to be on the other end of the equation.

[reknown29]

the other guy gave her that edge she needed to leave but he turned out different and she ended up missing me alot, but attached to him.

 

hmmm. just read this part again. I feel the same way in my sitch. Shes been holding on to me as a backup. ... I think the realization of this should be enough for you to not feel like you are doing something "wrong" for blocking her. I'm pretty sure if both of us got back otgether we these girls that it would be over again when someone else came along for them.

 

Everyone wants to date a model but they do not realize how difficult it is to keep other men away from them. Guys will do whatever it takes to win her over. so if we get in a petty argument she leaves the house, walks down the street to the bar and then some guy is agreeing with every thing she says about how ****ty her boyfriend is because he asked her nicely to pick up the seven dirty dishes she left lying around the place...

[dng]

Brothers, read that other part again:

 

I know we are over. I know it in my heart and in my mind. I know that she WANTS to have everything come back to normal, and she's trying, but can't.

 

As for my self confidence, it comes and it goes. I used to have alot of that when we first started. I was in my twenties back then.

 

I remember that whenever I felt like she was straying I would immediatly start hanging out with friends and with other girls and she would get the message right away. I never did anything bad or wrong, just a reminder that I could also get what I wanted.

 

Now its different. I've kinda fell into a younger crowd over the summer, a bunch of big and small time comedians that like to get high over the weekend and the pickings are slimmer around them.

 

Try to remember that you are not trying to replace her. The next one might not be as pretty but maybe her **** will be way more together.

 

As for no call backs, don't worry about it too much. People are flaky, its a fact. Think about how many girls you rejected yourself without too much afterthought. Its just life.

[reknown29]

We are in very similar boats. Im in my thirties and most my firneds are in their 20s. I'm also a part of the hip city crowd...

 

One thing I had in my relationship was my girl being completely incapable of any empathy. She could give nothing, she used me as a strong shoulder to lean on. When I get stressed over things is when she took off and found another shoulder to lean on. Whether this was tempoary or not, it is completely unacceptable and I dont think I could take her back anytime soon. Unless she completely changes a bit down the road... Whats upsetting is that she did this. She ruined a great thing that we had. Now she is realizing it but she pushed it too far and was way too cruel in the end. Shes a bit BPD...

 

I recommned working out. I'm now getting myself in sick shape. It feels good.

[dng]

reknown29 - i PM'ed you.