I always feel i'm in the wrong.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I realise I do tend to clog up these forums a lot with my too-ing and fro-ing about my ex, so I really do appreciate the people who have continuously given me their help and advice with what is clearly proving to be a very difficult issue for me in many ways.

 

My last thread detailed how my ex has been told rumours about me apparantly slagging him off, when I never have. I did not enquire or question him on what was said or by who, because his attitude when he brought the issue up was so hateful, cruel and argumentative. So I simply left him to believe what he wished to and did not reply.

 

Although I know I have not said anything, I still somehow feel in the wrong.

 

Firstly there is the issue of what was said and who by. I didn't ask because I didn't want to get dragged into this nonsense but it bothers me and affects who I could trust and makes me question peoples motivations to interfere.

 

Secondly there is the fact that now things have been left on terrible terms between me and my ex. Although I know its HIS fault for believing lies and not communicating with me directly and maturely, I still feel there is something more I could have done to convince or reassure him that I did nothing wrong.

 

I don't know want him to see me as the bad guy when I did nothing wrong and though initially I was angry that he would believe these things about me and I wanted nothing to do with him, once the anger fades I simply return to guilt. I didn't want things to end on bad terms. As I said, I know thats not MY fault because although my ex has reached out many times for friendship and to be nice, he always ends up spoiling it in this way.

 

Why then do I constantly feel I am doing the wrong thing? I don't know what it is I feel that I owe him.

 

Any help would be appreciated as always! I know I am one case that is taking longer than many others, but our break-up was drawn out for a ridiculous length of time so I hope people are aware of that.

[carhill]

1. He's your *ex*. Lies, distortions, exaggerations, hurt feelings, etc are normal when a relationship ends badly. It is what it is.

 

2. IMO, the 'mature' path is for both parties to *accept* the end for what it is, process their own roles separately, and move on. No need for 'mature' talks or 'friendship'.

 

FWIW, my best friend, who loved my wife (now stbx) dearly and never spoke an unkind word to or about her during our M, shared some difficult to hear revelations since we split up. Shall I really question the veracity and motives of a man I've loved and respected for a couple decades? Nope, I accept things for what they are and I *do not* and *will not* ever expect to have a 'mature talk' with stbx about any of it. Once the seal is dry on the judgment, bye bye. Our 'break up' has been going on essentially since I joined LS some 2.5 years and 17,000 posts ago. It is what it is.

 

My advice is to see your path as *your* path, not right or wrong. Accept your path; walk it, on your terms. Other's opinions, including mine here, are essentially irrelevant to that walk. Accept advice/opinion, here and IRL (like those rumors) which rings true or has meaning for *you*; reject the rest. In the end, it's you who must live your life and love yourself. I wish you well

[mickleb]

carhill's advice is good regarding your specific situation, Nikki but this and your other current thread demonstrate you're clearly working through some big stuff right now.

 

I'm glad you value yourself enough to work with a therapist but his/her 'lie' comment is a little concerning. I think that's a dangerous word to say to a client, personally. Anyway, if you feel he/she doesn't 'get' you, consider shopping around. I know I'm basing my judgement on very little, so may be completely out of order but something about the wording you used feels questionable..

 

Anyhoo, you do give yourself a hard time. You have many wonderful qualities, Nikki and need to hold onto these and value them, unquestionably. I feel you let others dictate your value so easily. This leaves you at risk of having your sense of self worth taken from you, at any moment. Evaluate those things that can never be taken from you and really celebrate them. You deserve to.

 

You are NOT to blame for everyone else's bad behaviour. To think this is paranoid and, frankly, a little egocentric, despite the fact that you come across, mostly, as quite a humble person.

 

The point is, you are only responsible for your behaviour. Right now, you need only to take care of this (and yourself) and you will be fine.

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thankyou mickleb

 

I have a long way to go!